I swore I wouldn't change...

But I've got some necessary revision to do.  Hell, I'm a writing teacher - revision is my life.

1. Lose 45 pounds (3/45) is now....  1. Lose 60 pounds (0/60).

I have not been in control of my eating and have made no attempt what-so-ever to get any sort of exercise or do any kind of physical activity, so more pounds are creeping on.  I got on the scale this morning and was absolutely horrified by what I saw, even though I just weighed myself two or three days ago.  I am out of control - meaning, I have relinquished control of my food intake and body's well-being... and I must do something about this.

There are a lot of reasons why I want to lose weight.  I can't fathom getting pregnant and putting on another 30 lbs and then having to lose ALL of that.  I want to be able to shop for semi-normal pregnancy clothes.  I want to currently fit into my old clothes.  I want to stop feeling tired.  I want to feel attractive and cute and sexy again.  I want to be proud of the shape that I'm in.  I want to be proud of the control I have over this lifelong habit and addiction.

Once again, I find Rebecca Woolf to be inspirational.  She is regularly 5'8" and a size 8 (damn lucky).  By the end of her first pregnancy, she was over 200 lbs.  She got up at 6am and went hiking every day to help work off the pregnancy weight (which was in the 190s by the time she got home from the hospital).  All that in the L.A. sun and heat.  Why can't I get off my ass and do something - anything! - when I don't have a newborn to take care of?

So this is it, intarwebs.  I'm making a change.  A revision.  I hate apologizing to myself every day.  I hate looking in my drawers and feeling depressed about the clothes I have and how they fit.  I hate how my back fat has grown back when, for a little while, I had a sloped back that I loved to look at. Without my snacks, I'm going to be mean.  Angry.  Sad.  Pissed.  Cranky.  But so is a junkie going through detox, which is really how I feel about this.  I have a habit that is detrimental to my health and plays with my brain chemistry and thought system.  No one but me can get it under control.

7 Quick Things... or Takes... or the Tuesday Seven, whatev.

I'm taking this idea from These Little Moments who, in turn, took it from Not That You Asked (which I think is one of the best blog titles I've ever heard - it's so simple yet SO perfect for nearly any blog - because, really, who's asking?).

7 Quick Things (it's more things than takes today) is perfect for me today because my head is utterly swimming with issues and concerns and preoccupations.  (And now I'm really interested in unpacking the word "preoccupation" - it's a job before a job or something that prevents a job... and my preoccupations prevent my work for sure.  Hm.  But I digress.)

One

My sister's dog died yesterday.  He was a stray that my brother-in-law rescued.  When he found the dog abandoned in a warehouse, he was all dusty so they named him Dusty.  The vet told them he was pretty sure Dusty had been significantly abused as a puppy and his jaw had definitely been broken, so for years they cooked soft foods for him like scrambled eggs and boiled chicken.  With time, he grew stronger and grew to love his daily cookies, even asking for them by saying, "I want one."  I swear, the dog talked.  "I want one" sounded like, "Ah wahn wun."  Honest.  He was sweet and loving, letting all the family kids flop all over him and play with his toys. TJ won't remember him but definitely missed him this morning.  He walked around the house with Dusty's regular morning cooking with his hand on his head, which is his sign for, "Where is it (he)?" We'll miss you Dusty.

Two

I feel unqualified to understand what is going on in Iran.  Yes, there was an election.  Yes, the results seem questionable.  Yes, people are rioting and protesting and lives are being lost.  But I feel like the lies told to the American people over the past decade have made us incapable of addressing this intelligently.  Lumping someone into an Axis of Evil doesn't really lead one to understanding.  All I know is that what is going on there both worries and frightens me and I can only hope that the Obama administration is being seemingly quiet on the issue for a good reason.

Three

Candidate Obama stated he was a "fierce advocate" of gay rights.  Soooo... whattup with that?  Yesterday his administration defended the Defense of Marriage Act.  I do not understand what's going on here and really hope they step up on this very soon, like... oh, well, like immediately.  This action and their general inaction is unacceptable.

Four

I nearly devoured a book last night: Rockabye by Rebecca Woolf of Girls Gone Child.  After one evening of reading, I am on page 177 of 283. (I will be done tonight; I'd be done now if I wouldn't get in trouble for reading at work.)  There will be a longer post about her forthcoming, but long story short: she is my current girl-crush.  Like, if she was in BOP magazine, I'd have her picture all over my wall.  I think she is smart, gutsy, beautiful, stylish, funny, and truly inspirational - but really, more on her to follow.  (I am obsessed!) Have I mentioned that her kids' names are Archer and Fable?  Couldn't you just fall over?  I want to name my daughter Fable.

(BTW - check out her current blog post about gun control and the ensuing comments.  Good for her for standing up for gun control and the idea of keeping violent entertainment out of one's children's lives.  It's a shame that she had to close comments.  She even had to take down her Google ads because the posts caused them to switch to ads about guns and gun lessons.)

Five

I wish the ASPCA and State Farm weren't so adept at creating commercials that make me cry.  The woman who lost her home to a storm?  Crying.  The disheveled shih-tzu?  Crying.  They get me every time.

Six

Stuff about my job is going to change and I'm looking forward to it.  That's all I can say about that, though.  I'm not changing jobs, really - just the focus will be shifting and it's a positive move.  That's always a good thing.

Seven

I have a pear and a banana to eat as snacks today.  This makes me happy. Over and out.

Nanananana... bread.

My nephew (age 15 months) says "nana" for banana... of course, he also calls one of his grandmothers "Nana"... so is he calling her bananas (i.e. crazy)?  I guess only time will tell.

I love bananas; I could eat one every day.  However, the hubby doesn't eat them so when I buy a bunch, I always end up with one or two bananas going brown.  This, however, isn't terrible because then I can make - dun dun da dun! - banana bread! 

So last night I set out to make (who else's?) Smitten Kitchen's Jacked-Up Banana Bread.  Except mine turned out to be more like low-jack banana bread - but still yummy. So I got all my stuff ready (note: those are not something gross - they're just REALLY brown bananas):

This was the first time I was going to use my mini-loaf pan so I was super excited about that.  (Those of you who know me IRL can expect a mini-loaf of something yummers for the holidays.  I have two of these so I can get EIGHT mini-loaves going at a time - rock on.)  And, yes, that is the cheap vanilla I'm using.  I'm trying to use it up in recipes where the vanilla isn't the star so its quality isn't of utmost importance (I bought it in a crunch one day for emergency vanilla use). So I got to mashing and mixing and just loved how the scoops of brown sugar kept a sand-castle-like appearance as I added them to the mix:

I also love that the recipe insists that you use a wooden spoon.  I don't know enough about the science of baking to know why you should use a wooden spoon for this, but it makes it feel extra special that it's required (although I would have used one anyway just because I love them and they mix really well).

However, here is where the banana bread went from jacked-up to low-jack.  I was opting out of the bourbon (I'm not a fan of alcohol in baked goods most of the time - I just don't enjoy the taste) and then also realized that I did not have nutmeg OR clove on hand!  What?  Ugh!  What happened to all of my baking supplies??  I could have sworn I had both spices on hand.  I swear, I am usually ready for any baking situation.  So, alas, my banana bread was going to be single spice instead of triple spice.  I figured it would still be good, though, so I soldiered on.

Aren't they cute?  So teeny!  I forced myself to let them cool before I sliced into one.  The hubby hates both bananas AND cinnamon (*gasp* - I know, right?) so these are aaaaaall mine.  Yum yum.  Except that my sister-in-law's eyes lit up when I mentioned this the other day, so I'm giving one mini-loaf to her.  The other one will be fully devoured by the end of today and I really don't need to be eating two whole mini-loaves myself in the span of two days (which is exactly what would happen).

I really love to bake - and I'm really beginning to love cooking now, too - I just wish I had more occasion to do so.  Money is always an issue, but I'm contemplating making a significant change in my diet in order to eat less meat.  I don't think I could ever be a vegan because the idea of giving up cheese makes me want to just quit life, but I have a lot of issues with the contemporary diet, its affect on human health, and how the industrial farming complex in this country works, so it's something I'm pondering.  I would love to get the hubby on board, but that won't happen so this is going to take a lot of resolve, something I've never exactly been full of when it comes to food.  More thoughts on this to come, I'm sure. But for now, back to nibbling on the banana bread.

Flame... Flames... on the sides of my face...

Any Clue fans?  Full disclosure: I can quote the whole movie... in Cantonese.  Okay, kidding... about the Cantonese, that is.  If we watch the movie together, I will try not to quote the whole thing as it plays, I promise.

As I sit here watching and reading lots of news clips, I can only wonder why it is that EVERY SINGLE PERSON I see criticizing Sonia Sotomayor is a white man? I can't even bring myself to calm down enough to adequately address the language being used in reference to her.  It is so extremely gender and race biased that it makes me sick. 

G. Gordon Liddy saying that he hopes she doesn't have to make decisions when she's menstruating and referring to the language of Spanish as speaking "illegal alien"???  What about Glen Beck calling her "Hispanic chick lady"?  Several intimating that she only got in to Princeton because of affirmative action.  (Oh, yes, and George W. Bush got into Yale based on his stellar academics.  She won the top prize when she graduated.  What did Bushie win?  Nada - we all lost.) 

And so what that all of the judges on Obama's short list were women?  Guess what - the bench needs one.  I'm sorry old white men, but your time is up.  Time to learn how to share. In reference to the recent Prop 8 decision, my brother said that decades from now scholars are going to look back on this time period - our time period - and view it the same way that we view segregation and the ban on interracial marriages.  I'm hopeful that his guess of "decades from now" is correct because I really fear that it's going to take longer than that.  Better yet, though, I hope it happens even sooner than that.  I'm not sure how long I can bear to live in a state of constant frustration at the intolerance of my fellow citizens.

The Debt That Dare Not Speak Its Name

My brother recently posted a link on his Facebook page to the FinAid - The SmartStudent Guide to Financial Aid - calculator, which allows students to calculate what their student loan monthly payments will be and what sort of salary they should have so that their student loan debt isn't a burden. Oh, goody!  I was just dying to know what I should be earning so that these student loan payments aren't a burden.  They have been feeling a bit heavy lately, you know?  This way I can find out what sort of raise I should ask for at my next annual review.

"It is estimated that you will need an annual salary of at least $128,320.80 to be able to afford to repay this loan."

Oh good - it's a totally reasonable amount.  Phew.  I was worried I'd have to ask for something obscene. /sarcasm *headdesk* My monthly loan payment is less than a hundred dollars short of my monthly rent.  Basically, we could be saving up for a house if I didn't have these loans.  We could be doing a zillion things if I didn't have these loans.

In order to battle the heart-stopping depression that my loan figures induce, I try to think about all the good things my university degrees have and can provide, like... um... oh, jobs!  Yes, I have two jobs thanks to my degrees!  Well, except that it's the amount of student loans I have that make it an utter necessity for me to maintain two jobs so that I can make my monthly loan payments. I will say, though, that I feel lucky to enjoy a lot of what my jobs entail, especially the teaching and tutoring aspects.  It would be a whole lot worse if I had these degrees and then had to work in a field or department I couldn't feel good about.  So at least there's that.

But this debt is a crushing burden and an issue far more complicated than "it's all my fault" or "it's the fault of the current US education system/government policies."  There's a lot that goes into amassing debt like this.  The only problem is now I'm stuck having to figure out how to maintain these payments while still doing all the things in life I wish to do, like have a baby and buy a home. The easiest route would be to just earn more money.  Hopefully my boss will approve my request for a 300% raise.

5 thoughts (plus) on Jesus Camp

Last night I went home with the full intention of sitting on the sofa and reading some of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, but then I remembered that I Tivo'd the film Jesus Camp a couple of days ago.  The hubby wasn't going to be home until after 9pm, so this was a perfect time to settle in and watch it.  So I do not prattle on and on about this film, I am forcing myself to make five (5) succinct(ish) points.  (And then will probably prattle on following my main points.)

First, a brief synopsis of the documentary if you are not already familiar with it (source: IMDB):  Jesus Camp follows several young children as they prepare to attend a summer camp where the kids will get their daily dose of evangelical Christianity. Through interviews with camp staff, the children, and others, Jesus Camp illustrates the unswerving belief of the faithful.

1) The film runs less than an hour and a half but it felt like it was four hours along.  I was amazed that it was still light outside when I was done watching it.  This is due to the very honest and neutral way that the filmmakers present their subjects.  If you do not subscribe to this belief system, it is quite awkward to watch for an extended period of time and I can understand why several reviewers said they had to try hard not to walk out of the theater while watching it.

2) I made the conscious decision to not automatically judge the film's subjects.  I do believe "to each their own" even though I have seriously strong objections to a lot of what is said and occurs during the film.  I am related to some people who consider themselves born-again Christians and my grandmother is a Jehovah's Witness, so I am used to hearing views that do not match my own.  However, I am grateful that no one in my life is as involved in this sort of church life as the documentary participants.

3) My forced patience with the film did lead me to some increased understanding.  As someone who is strongly, vehemently pro-choice, I have a very difficult time understanding part of the pro-life argument.  I understand the part about thinking abortion is wrong (see: to each their own).  However, the part I have never understood is why some people think it's their business to stop anyone else's abortion.  In this film, the participants talk about how God has a plan for each person from the moment of conception.  That, for me, was like a big "Oh, duh!" moment.  If you think about God as having a plan for each and every life from the moment of conception, well then clearly you are going to be even more vehemently pro-life than I am pro-choice.  In no way do I agree with the "there's a plan for everyone from the moment of conception" idea, but it has really helped me understand where the pro-life folks are coming from.

4) That said, that was the only useful piece of understanding I gained from the film.  Beyond that, I still just do not comprehend much of this lifestyle and belief system.  I don't understand why they see themselves as warriers in a worldwide holy war.  I believe that religion and faith is personal and that if you wish to congregate with others who share your beliefs, that's wonderful.  However, I do NOT agree that you should take it upon yourself as a god-given mission to convert those that do not believe as you do, especially if they have been exposed to Christianity their whole lives, as most Americans have.  I recognize that wanting people to agree with me on this could be construed as trying to convert their thinking to mine, but is wanting everyone's faith to be respected really a radical point of view?  (See: to each their own.) Note: I do not believe that just because I don't understand the lifestyle and beliefs that they shouldn't exist; I'm just stating that I do not comprehend it all.  (Again, see: to each their own.)

5) To end, the film left me really troubled, almost in a way that is still too complicated for me to parse, even the next day.  While the scenes about abortion did lead to some new understanding, I find it quite troubling that they are discussing this with children.  I do not believe children need to know what abortion is and that there's even a battle over it.  That is not a part of childhood.  Then to have them whipped up into a frenzy, screaming "Righteous judges!  Righteous judges!" in the prayer that God will lead then-president George W. Bush to appointing judges that will overturn Roe v. Wade - I find that incredibly inappropriate.  I don't even want adults praying for that, much less children.  The utter denial of the separation of church and state among the subjects was, at best, disheartening and, at worst, terrifying. I believe that conservative politicians saw this group as a potential voting bloc if they hooked them correctly and have worked to do so without fully considering the long-term ramifications. The level to which church and state now mix, or a group of people want it to mix, is extremely troubling.  We should no longer even be discussing the idea of creationism in a public school and yet it comes up over and over again. If you want your children to learn creationism, send them to Sunday School and/or parochial school.

I do not believe there should be prayer in school.  If you want to pray in school, you can easily find the time.  (Who didn't mutter a few, "Oh please, God, please" right before some tests in high school?) I do not believe your Bible belongs in my bedroom or my doctor's office. I believe marriage is a religious institution for you and you only if you so desire. This is the house of to each their own.

An email made me pause

A couple of days ago, I received an email that seemed normal, then startling, then fear-inspiring, then weird, then hopeful and happy.

What was it?

My regular tri-monthly reminder that it was time to renew my birth control prescription.

Totally on autopilot, I started thinking about what was in the bank and if I could afford to file the renewal at that moment.  Then it dawned on me: I wasn't going to be renewing the Rx because we're actually going to TRY and conceive instead of actually working to AVOID conception. Whoa.

So over dinner last night, I started with, "Uh, so, I got this email..." and ended with, "So, uh, are we really going to start trying?  Like, do I really not renew the prescription?"  And it turns out, after all this time of the hubby being more sure about this than me, now I'm the one who's more sure and he's the one who's a bit scared - not scared in the "no, we should wait" way but in the "wow, having kids at any time is going to be scary" way. 

We talked about our plans for the apartment and I told him about the recent Momversation episode about birth plans and what I think mine would consist of.  We talked about how a baby would fit into our lives - or what I think our lives will look like a year from now - all while kind of laughing in my head because I know it's not that you fit a baby into your life - it's that you fit your life around the baby. I definitely think there's something to timing and feeling that you're ready.  I used to hate shows like A Baby Story and mommy blogs... and now I can't get enough of mommy blogs and have caught myself watching an episode or two of A Baby Story.  Meanwhile, I no longer have the patience for wedding/bridal-related shows and sites, something I couldn't get enough of this time last year.

Life is a beautiful, scary, awe-inspiring journey.  There are so many great things one can do in life: travel, learn, explore, ponder, love... but there's nothing as unretractable (is that a word?) and permanent as having a child, which is probably why it's so fear-inspiring to those not yet initiated and such a constant and glowing topic of conversation amongst those who have.  We're not trying yet (really, not yet - I promise) but I'm definitely more excited about the prospect than I ever have been before.  Still scared, but kind of in a good way.

The end of growing up

Today is my last post for April's NaBloPoMo, the theme of which was "Growing (Up)."  Like January's theme (change), I feel like it's a topic that is naturally occurring in my life and not one I have to really force myself to think about. Today, however, I am taken by how many of the students I come into contact with on a daily basis still have some significant growing up to do. 

The most troubling remarks I heard today were in reference to Rhianna and Chris Brown.  A group of girls was talking about how sad it is that they broke up because they had "a real fairy tale."  Not even considering the missing word "relationship" at the end of that, this was already a problem for me.  I have a real issue with little girls being raised to hope for fairy tales and Prince Charmings. The most troubling part was yet to come, though.  One of them said, "Yeah, and I don't get why it's everyone's business whatever happened between them."  (Never mind the irony that she's violating her own concern by taking part in this conversation.) 

Then the other girl said, "Seriously - cuz, you know, like sometimes a bitch needs a beat-down."

I was aghast.  This is beyond troubling to me.  Here is a group of girls that I feel are fairly representative of a good section of the current Millennial generation (generally those born between 1982-2001, although I see a difference between those born before 1990 and after, generally).  Having just finished Whatever It Takes and now almost being done with The Tipping Point, I really believe that this attitude has seeped into and pervaded the culture and will take a strong, similar force to turn it around.  Because I deal with a lot of young adults between the ages of 18 and 25, sometimes I want to believe that it's too late, that we will not be able to turn them around, that we should just give up on them and work on the kids growing up now. But we can't give up; these misguided young adults are going to be working members of our society and we can't allow these attitudes to continue to spread.  I just don't know what to do, frankly.  I hope someone does and I hope that I can help in some way.  I know that, ideally, I should have said something to those girls today.  I didn't, though, because I don't think they would have really heard me; I'm not an authority figure to them.  I'm just the girl who tells them to quiet down all the time. My brain is muddled and troubled about this today.  I know it's going to be on my mind for a while.

I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.

One of the things I love most about poetry is how it can seamlessly intersect with my day, even when I'm not looking for it to do so.  The poem below caught my eye today and I've been puzzling over it on and off, between tasks:

Before the World Was Made
by William Butler Yeats

If I make the lashes dark
And the eyes more bright
And the lips more scarlet,
Or ask if all be right
From mirror after mirror,
No vanity's displayed:
I'm looking for the face I had
Before the world was made.

What if I look upon a man
As though on my beloved,
And my blood be cold the while
And my heart unmoved?
Why should he think me cruel
Or that he is betrayed?
I'd have him love the thing that was
Before the world was made.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can't quiet my mind enough to develop a theory as to what this poem is getting at, which is probably why it's continuing to stick in my head.  But I've also been thinking a lot about someone very dear to me who is suffering from chronic pain and various daily life difficulties.  I can't say much about it because I would prefer to keep it private, but also because I will not be able to avoid crying at work, which would not be good. So I will just go on to say that I think there is something now connecting in my head about that poem and about wanting that person to hang on and not give up - not give in to the seemingly overwhelming prospect of ongoing pain.  Hang on and remember the you that was there before the world was made. This troubles me so much that I am having trouble breathing and am beginning to get a stress-induced headache.  There are people I can be there for and there are those that I absolutely need to be there for me, ones I cannot live without.  This person is the latter but needs me to be the former and I really don't know what to do and how to do it.  Hopefully just doing whatever I can do is enough.

Fahrenheit 451

16. Read 30 books I haven’t read before (in addition to the above) and blog about them. (5/30)

Fahrenheit 451
by Ray Bradbury

This book has been on my "to-read" list for a very long time.  I never read it in high school or college and it's one of those books that I feel everyone should read.  It's a little hard to get into in the beginning, but I was really into it after about 40 pages.  It also felt quite timely to read as I watched a video online the other day about one woman at a protest saying we need to get back to burning books, especially "those evolution books".  Eeep.

The main point to the book is really obvious and could be extremely simplistic and overstated but Bradbury does a really excellent job of not oversimplifying his point, instead letting the reader fill in some blanks while he explains other points that one might miss (like how the outcasts "are" certain books - I particularly liked that idea).  The book is definitely a clear warning about where entertainment is heading and how it can be used to keep the general population dulled to the world.  Bradbury's vision of personalized entertainment is quite prescient; I think we truly could be heading to a time where our living room walls are full-sized televisions with characters that we see as members of our family. I've been reading a lot of non-fiction, so taking a fiction break was good.  I'm going to read more non-fiction next, but I'm looking forward to my next dalliance with fiction.

We've got style, how 'bout you?

My friend Danielle at Delightfully Sweet reads/skims many, many blogs and websites (so many that I wonder how she has time to do all the things she does - I'm beginning to think she has a Harry Potter time turner):

(Remember, Hermione uses it to get to more classes?  You find out about it in book/movie three, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.)

Anyway (before I go on a Harry Potter tangent), I, too, look at a lot of sites and some blogs (although not nearly as many, it seems).  I find myself too disparaged at times by other people's style and abilities.  I wonder why I can't dress like that, why I don't have the money for certain things, why I don't have the time to cultivate the hobbies and activities that other people do.  I love that people share so much of themselves and their lives online, but I'm always curious for more information.  Just how do they manage to look so good, have that picnic, write that book, raise that kid, film that show, take those pictures, cook those dinners.  I don't have time to cultivate a photography habit, write a book, go food shopping, cook a nutritious and inexpensive dinner, have a kid, raise that kid, dress him or her cutely, dress me cutely, have great hair, be witty, relax, read great books - and on, and on, and on.  These are all things I want to do, but I'm wondering if everyone has to pick and choose.

It reminds me of those birth control commercials where the family has several kids, goes skiing, moves to Memphis and the mother hopes to "finish a book, finish a sentence!"  And then they go on to have a very cute little girl after going off the birth control.  There should be other types of control.  I don't have time to perfect my dinner making, so I should be on "dinner control" - what I do for dinner shouldn't count towards my weight and nutrition until I'm ready to direct my energy toward it.  Or "hair control" - my hair will always look good (just not great) until I have the time and money to get my color done and spend a little more time on my hair in the morning.

I'll admit it: I'm a control freak.  There, I said it.  Type A, all the way.  Perhaps that's why I feel like I should be able to have it all and do it all, even though I recognize that's nearly impossible.  But the promise of it keeps me striving, keeps me working at being a better wife, cook, friend, sister, daughter, and most importantly, a better me.

I will keep avoiding certain websites, though, because they make me feel too inadequate... and I'm not going to stop wishing for a time turner.

Things I have to deal with today...

Things I have to deal with today that I never envisioned as part of my adult life (especially my 30s)...

1. Sharing a hotel room with my boss.

2. Nodding off and painfully smacking and re-smacking my head on an airplane window.

3. Having to think about every single little tiny expenditure because every bank account is empty and every credit card is nearly maxed or overdue for payment.  Add: worrying about trying to pay for something in front of my boss and having the card denied.

4. Constant spousal employment worries (the hubby's temp job ends this Friday).

5. Wondering if my hotel-room-sharing boss will mind watching two hours of Dancing With the Stars after dinner.

6. Having TSA throw away my facial moisturizer and hair wax because the containers were too big.  I explained that I didn't believe lotion and wax counted as liquids but I was assured that they do.  I want to appeal that definition.

Growing (up)

Call me a glutton for punishment, but I've decided to do another NaBloPoMo.  This month's theme is "Growing (Up)" and I think it could prove to be interesting so I've decided to jump on board.

Even though I'm 33, I sometimes feel barely older than 25.  I actually forget my age sometimes and have to pause and think when someone asks me how old I am.  The grandmother I get my middle name from actually did forget how old she was later in life and one year, on her birthday, asked my dad how old she was.  When he told her, she said, "What?  Why didn't anyone tell me I was that old?!"  That will totally be me should I be lucky enough to make it to my 80s.

One way that I have recently been feeling more like a grown-up, though, is physically.  I've had a few aches and pains lately that I would have been able to shrug off even just a year ago.  I pulled a muscle in my neck a week and a half ago and it's still a bit sore.  Two years ago, it would have been fine after a day or two, tops.  The other day, I had some lower back pain at the end of our trip to Baltimore; I have no idea why.  I'm also tired all time - seriously, nearly ALL the time.  And I LOOK older.  Seriously.  I was looking at Mike and Tracy's wedding album this weekend.  As I mentioned, I was in the wedding party, so I was in a bunch of pictures and I couldn't get over how young and refreshed I look in the photos (and they were married in December 2007).

I had to wonder - what's done this?  My skin looks worse now; my eyes are far more tired - even though the time around their wedding was crazy busy for me.  Did my last semester in grad school (right after their wedding) just tank my youth?  That semester was craziness - I planned my sister's baby shower, took my comprehensive exam, wrote my thesis, chaired a panel in CA, and went to Ireland.  Granted, I enjoyed all of that, but it was hard work and I was very busy (I was also teaching).  Did I suddenly just age?

Perhaps.  But I think there are other factors.  I didn't eat well when I was in grad school, but I think I actually ate better than I do currently.  I also got a lot more sleep.  I didn't get much more physical activity, but I also didn't sit behind a desk for eight hours a day.  I think these factors are the largest in my sudden facial aging and constant sleepiness.

So, as a... grown-up... I guess I have to do something about this.  The hubby and I are close to breaking even on the budget; that is to say by the end of the month we shouldn't ahave to juggle bills anymore and should be able to buy groceries outside of the "10 for $10" sale.  We've been eating a lot of pasta, which is not the norm for me, and not a lot of vegetables, which is bad.  Once our finances are a stable, I'm going into menu planning mode.  We will have a weekly menu that we will shop for on the weekend and so we'll be ready for meals during the week.  This way I can also plan out some salads and things and make sure I have veggies and healthy lunches, too.  I need to buy vitamins, too.  I was doing well with my 101 list item of taking a multi, iron, and calcium daily - until I ran out and couldn't afford more.

My skin has been revolting, too.  I need to get on track with proper nutrition and drinking water so my skin clears up AND looks refreshed.  I also think I need more sleep but I'm already getting in bed at 11pm.  Going to bed any earlier will cut into the time I spend relaxing after I get home and taking care of little things.  Two nights a week I get home at 8:30 and one night at 7:30.  I'm supposed to get home at 8:30, eat dinner, do a few things around the apartment, and then go straight to bed?  As it is, I can't even find time to read lately... but something needs to change.  I think if I start eating better and drinking more water, it'll help me to start feeling less tired.  I can work on the sleep and exercise issues.  One thing to tackle at a time.

I actually care about my own personal nutrition.  How grown up.

"What we think or what we know
or what we believe is, in the
end, of little consequence.
The only consequence is what we do."

- John Ruskin

I know, I KNOW, you're never ready for kids.

Someone in an online community I read posted a question recently about whether or not it's better to have kids sooner or later in a marriage - her thinking being that if you have them sooner, you won't have a chance to miss all the things you would have developed while not having kids, like Saturday naps or sleeping until noon on Sunday or spontaneous weekends away.  You know, all the fabulous things that child-free adults get to indulge in.

A lot of the respondents stated that they believed it should have something to do with the solidity of your marriage (note: this is a community for married people, so there's no presumed judgment on unmarried couples with children - it's just the situation of the community).  Lots of folks stated that they had children fairly soon after getting married because they had lived together prior and felt their relationship was really stable.  Several even referred to it as a well-oiled machine.

I think the hubby and I are still working on putting the machine together, nevermind getting around to maintaining it's well-oiled status.  But, as I am so constantly aware, I am 33 (and a half, but who's counting) and so there is a natural tick-tock going on.  If I were 23 or even 28, I wouldn't even care much about any of these.  But when I was 23 and 28, I wasn't even interested in being married and fairly certain I'd be just fine without ever having kids anyway.  I just wasn't in a place where I would have been building a marriage.

But now I am and I feel like a juggling act with too many plates in the air.  We're living together, just us, for the first time ever - for just under seven weeks now, even though we've been married for four months.  Two-thirds of our dating was done long distance and I was in grad school, a top time-taker.  Since graduation, we lived with my parents, I spent four months looking for a full-time job, he got laid off and hasn't found anything permanent... it just seems like we have every reason possible to not think about babies... except my age, and this make me feel terrible and inadequate.

Women stop being able to procreate at a certain age for evolutionary reasons.  You want to be healthy and produce healthy offspring; you need to have the energy to chase after your kids; you need to be around long enough to care for them into adulthood; and, ideally, you want to be around to see your grandchildren and enjoy that range of life's moments.  So, if by 33 you are newly married with a barely functioning marriage, a career that is sputtering, and a long list of goals that don't involve having children, is evolution telling you that you're not one of the chosen ones?  Have I done everything to take myself out of the race at this point?  Have my life choices dictated that I'm just not going to be a mom?

The hubby and I aren't ready to add someone new to our marriage; we're still putting the machine together.  We haven't even gotten around to working out the kinks yet because it's not really up and running. (Machinery metaphors are so useful.)  So now I find us in this balancing act:

One side: build a well-functioning, solid marriage; get hubby a FT job; get me a better job/higher pay; continue more grad school (me); finish undergrad (hubby); pay down debt; build a modest savings/emergency fund

Other side: have two kids before too old and my machinery no longer works.

I don't know what will happen and there really is no litmus test for marriage solidity - it's just something you have to know/feel.  I know we're not there yet.  I know a baby right now would do crazy things to our relationship.  It's not that I think we wouldn't make it through; I just think it would be terrible and that we have a responsibility to raise our children in the best environment we can possibly manage.

So, hopefully waiting another year or two before having our first isn't the worst thing we'll do.

I wince and squint when I like

Maybe this is all a part of being a post-Watergate American, but I can't help but think it's uniquely 21st century American: when there's a politician I really, really like, I find myself squinting and wincing when I read things about them, like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop - like there aren't any clean politicians left.  How many Obama appointees dropped out due to issues over paying their taxes?  Seriously?  Everyone I know pays their taxes (well, okay, I know one woman who didn't file for seven or eight years, but she's an anomaly to me).  In fact, most of us pay our taxes UP FRONT, i.e. in our paychecks, and then get a smidgen of money back the following year.  Meanwhile, the people running the system we pay our taxes to can't get it right?  Either they're dumb (which worries me) or they're liars (equally worrisome).

I have high hopes for Obama, but I just wish people would give him a little breathing room.  The problems in our country are so huge right now; just let the man do his job.  How would you like to start a new job and have everyone on the news commenting on how you hadn't gotten anything done yet, even though you'd only been there for a month and a half?  Most of us would have stress-induced illnesses at that point.

But back to liking politicians.  One person I think is an up-and-coming star is Cory Booker, the mayor of Newark.  He's smart; he's well-spoken; he seems to be very level-headed and bipartisan.  The more I read about him, the more I like him: he went to Stanford and to Yale Law.  He was a Rhodes Scholar, where he became friends with Rachel Maddow (yay!) and Rabbi Schmuley (crazy, but seemingly true).  He's lived in the projects in Newark, so he knows of what he speaks.  When he ran for mayor of Newark in 2002, he was defeated - but he ran again in 2006.  He's a senior fellow at Rutgers (rah rah) and on the Board of Trustees for Teachers College (dream school).  He's a vegetarian (interesting) and totally straight-edge (also interesting).

He's exciting to me the way Obama was when he made his keynote address at the 2004 Democratic convention - when I turned to my dad and said, "I think we just saw the first black president speak."  (I would have never guessed it would be soo soon, though.)  I think Cory Booker has that same level of promise and he certainly seems determined.

Yet... I find myself wincing, waiting for something to go wrong - waiting to hear something terrible about him that will ruin his political career, like he hides thirsty puppies in his closet or has an addiction to scratch-off cards... or any other meaningless (or, worse, meaningful) error or indiscretion on his part that makes him less of a superstar.  I hope I'm not wrong about him.  Very few people are as great as they might initially seem, but I hope he is.