Things I Miss Friday - King of Pop edition

Today's "Things I Miss Friday" is both easy and difficult.  Easy because the subject is almost a given, but difficult because it's a controversial given. Kendra from Pop Trash Radio put it this way: "The Michael Jackson I loved died a long time ago in my opinion.  This still makes me somewhat sad."  I believe there are a lot of people that feel that way today, and I am one of them. 

His life and significance are a bit difficult to parse, but so far I see people falling in three camps: 1) those who can only make pedophile jokes today; 2) those who only talk about his great achievements in music; and 3) those who recognize his achievements but also recognize his personal difficulties.  #1 and #2 are laypeople.  I've only seen #3 in newscasters so far.  I believe the #3 is really the only way to go.

How do we give credit to an alleged pedophile for anything he accomplished?  I have always firmly believed that people who commit such heinous crimes are genetically programmed for that sort of behavior.  However, I read something yesterday that I think is an even better description: genetics loads the gun but environment pulls the trigger.  What would have become of this boy genius had there been someone in his life with some knowledge about the special needs and concerns of child stars and the dangers of celebrity?  The abuse of Jackson's childhood is fairly well-documented and not really disputed.  That already creates a particular type of sensitive and possibly troubled child.  Put that child in a fishbowl and continue to have him work in an industry where both your employers and fans fawn over you and it's a recipe for destruction.

I'm not sure we'll see anything quite like Jackson's level of fame for a long time to come.  We are already a much more jaded society and would scrutinize someone similar so much earlier.  For all of his own personal failures and destructive problems, we must hold ourselves partly accountable.  As I stated recently with the Jon & Kate phenomenon, we love to lift people up and then watch with joy as they crumble and fall, all the while still partaking of whatever entertainment it is they provide us (for Jackson, the music).  If genetics loads the gun, then fame and the public's habit of lifting up and tearing down bought the gun, the ammunition, taught him how to shoot, and then pulled the trigger.

This level of fame will also be hard to reach again because Jackson was a rare talent; I don't believe that can be denied.  To Gen Y or the Millenials, it may be hard to believe, but MTV used to be kind of revolutionary.  They had a sort of punk rock attitude when they started and were very much giving the finger to the traditional music industry and cable programming.  They were navigating only semi-charted waters.  However, they didn't play videos by black artists.  It's such an odd feeling for me to think how in my lifetime this was even possible - how segregated the music industry still was during my childhood. However, Michael Jackson changed that.  His music was so good and so broad in its influence that MTV had no choice but to show him.  To do otherwise would have been the equivalent of making people sit in the back of the bus.  With millions of Americans of every race and background buying Jackson's albums, it only made sense that they show his videos.

And then, we can't ignore those videos.  I can't imagine what the world of music videos would look like if it weren't for Michael Jackson.  Maybe the Gen Y/Millennial folks have no idea, but he truly was a visionary.  As the footage rolled on every cable news network yesterday, my brain kept flashing with even more videos (because, of course, the news mainly showed clips of the Jackson 5 and "Thriller").  If you really want to see how amazing he was, watch those early Jackson 5 clips.  He is the standout and nearly mesmerizing to watch. But what about "Smooth Criminal", "Bad", "The Way You Make Me Feel", "Rock With You", "Beat It", "Dirty Diana", "Black or White", and a hundred more.  Who doesn't recognize the lit sidewalk in "Billie Jean"?  Who hasn't seen (and tried) the Moonwalk?  (And that was before the internet - imagine today what would have happened with that moment.)  What about "Scream", with his sister Janet - when they had to actually show some people they weren't the same person.  What about Say Say Say, with Paul McCartney?  How sad that they had that terrible falling out (I'm wondering if Sir Paul will release a statement.)  What about "Man in the Mirror" and "Leave Me Alone, which let us in to a bit of his troubles.  Do you remember "Remember the Time" with Eddie Murphy as an Egyptian king and Iman as his queen?  Because of his extreme amounts of money, he could afford the best special effects available, often before the ordinary public had any idea something like that existed.  I think videos like "Black or White" and "Remember the Time" out-do the late 90s/early 00s Star Wars films.

And then there's "We Are The World."  Sure, there have been other similar projects, but that one stands out - I think everyone owned a "USA for Africa" t-shirt.  I vividly remember standing on stage for one of my fifth grade school recitals and singing that song and how the audience of parents and teachers joined in at the chorus.  Who could pull together that array of celebrities and musicians today without it turning into a horrendous ego-fest AND accomplish a beautiful piece of music that also worked to bring a world problem to light?  I am at a loss to think of anyone who could achieve that today.

People will be tempted to look at him as a divided human being: in one part, an extraordinary artist who has made lasting contributions to the world of music, art, and charity.  And the other part, a troubled and possibly sick human being who allegedly molested young boys and was an all-around weirdo: a pet chimp, a home amusement park, an obsession with Peter Pan, the skin lightening, the plastic surgery.  However, I insist we must work to recognize that this is all the same human being and that this is all intertwined. Artists are often troubled people. 

One scientist found that 20% of poets commit suicide, compared to 4% of other professions, and poets have nowhere near the fame Jackson did.  He was troubled because he was great and because his greatness thrust him into a life and lifestyle that was more than he could manage.  I find it utterly disturbing that he was preparing for a huge tour when, clearly, he had to have been significantly troubled and in poor health.  Shame on his handlers. I have yet to see that side of this mentioned; I hope someone picks up on it and starts asking questions.  Anna Nicole Smith's handlers are being held accountable for their role in her death; his should be, as well.

But that brings me back to us - the video-watching, album/MP3-buying, tabloid magazine reading public.  We are complicit as well.  Nothing grabs our attention more than when a side show takes the main stage. Well now, Mr. Jackson has left the building and it's time for us to find a new show.  Let's try not to destroy the next one, but instead let's work to treasure our artists; we can lift up their work while keeping the person grounded.  We're in this together.  We are the world. I do not believe in an afterlife, but I do believe that there is peace to be had today, both for the people who were troubled by Jackson (the boys, their families, his handlers) and for Jackson himself. I think it's worth taking some time to reflect on all of this.  But I hope it's also possible to take some time to just enjoy some of Jackson's work on the YouTube Michael Jackson channel.  Remember the time.

I'm pretty sure there will be a memorial service for Jackson.  I think what they should try to do is reunite everyone from "We Are the World" and have them sing that in tribute.  It's sad to think how most of them outlived him, but it would remember the best of his life and the best of his work and would be an amazing show of support.  I can dream.

Edited to add: If you want to read similar, much more concise thoughts on this from a far better writer, check out Andrew Sullivan's post on The Daily Dish.  He's got it right.

Jon & Kate plus divorce

I have to admit I'm a bit heartbroken.  I really believed in their relationship and, as stated before, the hubby and I often considered our relationship a lot like Jon & Kate's.  I do not think Kate is a power hungry mean mommy with a terrible hairdo (really, her hair does not bother me - her tanning does, though) and I do not think Jon is weak or wishy-washy.  Not everyone needs to be a bulldozer; some people can be laid back.  Some people are the yin and yang and find their own unique balance.

I believed in them; I really did.  I believed that if you were good enough, you could defeat the destruction of reality television.  I believed that if you really loved each other, you could close ranks and fight a swirling storm.  I know I can be naive sometimes, but I prefer to think of it as being optimistic.

And now I think about the children, particularly the sextuplets.  Without them, Jon & Kate could have managed - having two children is perfectly reasonable.  However, TLC expressed interest in them after two specials and Jon & Kate decided that this show would be a great way to earn enough money to provide for their family.  This show and all the implications of the fame and money led to this divorce (despite Kate insisting otherwise - of course she has to tell herself that and I don't blame her at this point; it would be a lot to live with).  So, one day, one or more of the sextuplets will put it all together and think, "They did the show because of us.  They divorced because of the show.  Therefore the divorce is our fault." Maybe there's still room for a Jon & Kate reconciliation.  Maybe?  Probably not.  But I can't not keep hoping.

Purpose - it's the fire under your ass.

Purpose. It's that little flame that lights a fire under your ass. Ha! Purpose. It keeps you going strong like a car with a full tank of gas. Everyone else has a purpose, so what's mine?

(Any Avenue Q fans out there?  Luuurve that show.) My dear friend Amy over at My Right To Dream is having gastric sleeve surgery today, which is a form of weight loss surgery (wls).  As I've mentioned before, I had gastric bypass surgery and, a year and a half later, corrective plastic surgery to remove loose skin (abdominoplasty) and complete a breast reduction/lift (most wls patients bemoan the loss of their boobs - nope, not me - I still had DDs, even after losing over a hundred pounds, lucky me). As can be expected with any major surgery, especially a life-changing one that someone is undergoing by choice, Amy is incredibly nervous and a bit scared.  WLS involves such a roller coaster of emotions - joy at being approved, depression and guilt and sadness and anger about needing the surgery in the first place, fear of failure, fear of success (because it changes everything in your life), and so much more.

I was at my lowest weight in September 2005, following my plastic surgery.  In the nearly four years since then, I have gained about 18 pounds per year, which I shouldn't have to point out is NOT GOOD.  Really not good.  Not good for anyone, but especially not good if you've had WLS.  This means you are defeating the surgery and "the tool" (i.e. the stomach pouch).  I got a scope done early last year to see if I had stretched out my pouch and it turned out that my pouch was perfect BUT that my stoma (the opening between my pouch and my intestines) had stretched and so food moved really quickly from my pouch into my intestines, leaving me hungry more quickly than it should.  In a fully working pouch, the food sits in there for a long time so you feel full for a while.  Immediately post-op, the stoma is the size of a pencil eraser.  I don't know how big mine is now, but it's definitely not small and apparently I would be eligible for stoma revision surgery, but that would involve doctors and bills and insurance approvals, blah blah blah.  I can't afford a dime of it right now if it's not covered 100%, so I haven't followed up on it. 

Instead, I'm going to work on this on my own. Amy's surgery today has lit a fire under my ass.  I was supposed to be a good example.  I was supposed to be a success story.  I was not supposed to become a raging snack addict.  I was not supposed to regain OVER SEVENTY POUNDS.  I'm not supposed to feel sad that my husband met me at my thinnest and most athletic and now has to live with a wife who continually gains weight, which makes her unhappy.  He continues to support me at any size and does not/would not care if I stayed my current size for life, but my unhappiness upsets and concerns him.

I spent over an hour on the phone with Amy yesterday, trying to calm her fears and reassure her that this will be wonderful.  One of the main points I wanted to make was that everything she'll go through is valid; all of her feelings and emotions and reactions are valid.  If she's mad that her husband can eat half a pizza and not care, that's fair.  It's not fair that some of us have to work better at maintaining a healthy lifestyle than others and it's fair to say that.  All's fair in food and weight.  I was told that it was "stupid" to miss food or pigging out and that people with food addictions had the real problems and that anyone who cried over missing food was laughable - so I cried in secret and became ashamed.  I know this is a part of my current food issues.

After my plastic surgery, my mother bought me a bracelet to commemorate the occasion (my apologies for the cheesy camera phone pic):

The idea was that the engraved dates are my birthday and my rebirthdays.  My WLS and plastics dates were my rebirth.  It was almost like a do-over.  I got to be me again (or, really, for the first time) - the me that I thought I could be but felt I couldn't be because of my weight. I haven't been able to wear the bracelet for a long time because I was ashamed of no longer meeting the criteria that the bracelet represented.  When I took it out today, it was tarnished because I haven't worn it or even touched it for so long.  So I buffed and polished it and put it on my wrist.  There are spots of tarnish I couldn't buff out, but that's okay.  I have spots of tarnish I will never buff out. 

This bracelet represents my goal.  I need to get back to the me of those rebirthdays.  I will continue to wear the bracelet as a reminder of what I am trying to achieve for myself. So today I have started the 5 Day Pouch Test.  So far today I had a coffee protein shake for breakfast (minus the cocoa because I didn't have any at home), a yogurt (which is off-plan but I didn't want it to go to waste), and am about to dig into some lentil and barley soup for lunch.. which I will also have as a snack... and as dinner... and repeat tomorrow.  So far I'm feeling okay, though.  No snacking anxiety yet (although that always tends to come later in the day) and really not any hunger pangs, surprisingly.  They suggest you cut caffeine, but can have one cup if cutting it completely will throw you into withdrawal, so I put one cup of coffee in my shake this morning.  There was no way I was going without coffee.  But other than that, I have just been sip-sip-sipping my water and I'm even going back to the "no drinking 30 minutes before or after meals" post-op rule.  If one of my problems is an open stoma that lets food slide through easily, then I need to make sure I don't make my meals into a slurry that leaves me hungry soon thereafter.  Not drinking while I eat is really difficult for me, and will be since I made my soup really spicy (I didn't have all of the spices the recipe called for so I just winged it and I think I over chili peppered it).  I'm also trying to eat more mindfully - slowly, thinking about what I'm eating.  My whole life, I've read while I ate and now I often watch TV and/or read online while I eat, so I'm not paying attention to how much I eat or how it tastes or, probably, when I'm full.  I've been living in fear of food and I can't do it any longer. So my purpose is to help Amy succeed and to drag myself back on the road to success.  My failures can be some of her keys to success.  I can take all that I've learned and help my dear friend avoid the same mistakes.  My failure will not be for nothing.  I can help her and I can help myself not do it all again.

I don't know how I know, but I'm gonna find my purpose. I don't know where I'm gonna look, but I'm gonna find my purpose.

I swore I wouldn't change...

But I've got some necessary revision to do.  Hell, I'm a writing teacher - revision is my life.

1. Lose 45 pounds (3/45) is now....  1. Lose 60 pounds (0/60).

I have not been in control of my eating and have made no attempt what-so-ever to get any sort of exercise or do any kind of physical activity, so more pounds are creeping on.  I got on the scale this morning and was absolutely horrified by what I saw, even though I just weighed myself two or three days ago.  I am out of control - meaning, I have relinquished control of my food intake and body's well-being... and I must do something about this.

There are a lot of reasons why I want to lose weight.  I can't fathom getting pregnant and putting on another 30 lbs and then having to lose ALL of that.  I want to be able to shop for semi-normal pregnancy clothes.  I want to currently fit into my old clothes.  I want to stop feeling tired.  I want to feel attractive and cute and sexy again.  I want to be proud of the shape that I'm in.  I want to be proud of the control I have over this lifelong habit and addiction.

Once again, I find Rebecca Woolf to be inspirational.  She is regularly 5'8" and a size 8 (damn lucky).  By the end of her first pregnancy, she was over 200 lbs.  She got up at 6am and went hiking every day to help work off the pregnancy weight (which was in the 190s by the time she got home from the hospital).  All that in the L.A. sun and heat.  Why can't I get off my ass and do something - anything! - when I don't have a newborn to take care of?

So this is it, intarwebs.  I'm making a change.  A revision.  I hate apologizing to myself every day.  I hate looking in my drawers and feeling depressed about the clothes I have and how they fit.  I hate how my back fat has grown back when, for a little while, I had a sloped back that I loved to look at. Without my snacks, I'm going to be mean.  Angry.  Sad.  Pissed.  Cranky.  But so is a junkie going through detox, which is really how I feel about this.  I have a habit that is detrimental to my health and plays with my brain chemistry and thought system.  No one but me can get it under control.

7 Quick Things... or Takes... or the Tuesday Seven, whatev.

I'm taking this idea from These Little Moments who, in turn, took it from Not That You Asked (which I think is one of the best blog titles I've ever heard - it's so simple yet SO perfect for nearly any blog - because, really, who's asking?).

7 Quick Things (it's more things than takes today) is perfect for me today because my head is utterly swimming with issues and concerns and preoccupations.  (And now I'm really interested in unpacking the word "preoccupation" - it's a job before a job or something that prevents a job... and my preoccupations prevent my work for sure.  Hm.  But I digress.)

One

My sister's dog died yesterday.  He was a stray that my brother-in-law rescued.  When he found the dog abandoned in a warehouse, he was all dusty so they named him Dusty.  The vet told them he was pretty sure Dusty had been significantly abused as a puppy and his jaw had definitely been broken, so for years they cooked soft foods for him like scrambled eggs and boiled chicken.  With time, he grew stronger and grew to love his daily cookies, even asking for them by saying, "I want one."  I swear, the dog talked.  "I want one" sounded like, "Ah wahn wun."  Honest.  He was sweet and loving, letting all the family kids flop all over him and play with his toys. TJ won't remember him but definitely missed him this morning.  He walked around the house with Dusty's regular morning cooking with his hand on his head, which is his sign for, "Where is it (he)?" We'll miss you Dusty.

Two

I feel unqualified to understand what is going on in Iran.  Yes, there was an election.  Yes, the results seem questionable.  Yes, people are rioting and protesting and lives are being lost.  But I feel like the lies told to the American people over the past decade have made us incapable of addressing this intelligently.  Lumping someone into an Axis of Evil doesn't really lead one to understanding.  All I know is that what is going on there both worries and frightens me and I can only hope that the Obama administration is being seemingly quiet on the issue for a good reason.

Three

Candidate Obama stated he was a "fierce advocate" of gay rights.  Soooo... whattup with that?  Yesterday his administration defended the Defense of Marriage Act.  I do not understand what's going on here and really hope they step up on this very soon, like... oh, well, like immediately.  This action and their general inaction is unacceptable.

Four

I nearly devoured a book last night: Rockabye by Rebecca Woolf of Girls Gone Child.  After one evening of reading, I am on page 177 of 283. (I will be done tonight; I'd be done now if I wouldn't get in trouble for reading at work.)  There will be a longer post about her forthcoming, but long story short: she is my current girl-crush.  Like, if she was in BOP magazine, I'd have her picture all over my wall.  I think she is smart, gutsy, beautiful, stylish, funny, and truly inspirational - but really, more on her to follow.  (I am obsessed!) Have I mentioned that her kids' names are Archer and Fable?  Couldn't you just fall over?  I want to name my daughter Fable.

(BTW - check out her current blog post about gun control and the ensuing comments.  Good for her for standing up for gun control and the idea of keeping violent entertainment out of one's children's lives.  It's a shame that she had to close comments.  She even had to take down her Google ads because the posts caused them to switch to ads about guns and gun lessons.)

Five

I wish the ASPCA and State Farm weren't so adept at creating commercials that make me cry.  The woman who lost her home to a storm?  Crying.  The disheveled shih-tzu?  Crying.  They get me every time.

Six

Stuff about my job is going to change and I'm looking forward to it.  That's all I can say about that, though.  I'm not changing jobs, really - just the focus will be shifting and it's a positive move.  That's always a good thing.

Seven

I have a pear and a banana to eat as snacks today.  This makes me happy. Over and out.

They're not haters, actually - you might just not be all that.

Source: flickr.com/photos/lunchbreath

Every morning, I check the same websites: my email, LiveJournal, Wordpress, Google Reader, The Daily Beast, and Huffington Post.  I skim through, reading bits here and there, and often full articles if I have the time and inclination (I would love to read more full articles, but it's just not always possible).

Well, there was a really interesting piece posted on The Daily Beast on Sunday titled "Do Narcissists Have Better Sex?"  The thrust of the article is that we have created a generation of narcissists (we're looking at you Gen Y/Millenials) thanks to all the "Don't let anyone tell you you're wrong" "You can do anything you want" parenting and pop culture incentives that have happened over the past two decades or so.  This has lead to a whole generation of people who feel entitled to feel good about themselves at all times and who believe that anyone who tries to intimate that they might, just might, have things they might want to work on is a hater and the sort of person who likes to make other people feel terrible, just for sport.

I often read articles that I semi-agree or semi-disagree with, but every now and again I go, "Yes!  This!  Exactly this!"  This is one of those times.  I think the article's author, Hanna Seligson, has hit a very big nail right on its shiny, glaring head.  There might be a sentence or two that I take issue with, but I agree with her overall idea and postulations. I have been frustrated by this phenomenon but her article was able to put it into words in a way that I have found myself unable to do. 

It started back in 2003 when I was planning my sister's bridal shower and had an unpleasant run-in with one of the bridesmaids, a particularly bitchy and narcissistic blonde who accused me of overcharging them for the room rental so that I could make a profit on the shower (meanwhile, I had easily covered $1000 worth of expenses that they didn't contribute to).  What proceeded was a particularly nasty back-and-forth over email, during which I wrote things that I never believed I could actually say, especially to someone directly, and have since promised myself I would never say/write to someone again.  I insulted her commitment to her friendship with my sister and her overall intelligence... a few times over.  I don't remember most of what she said, but I clearly remember that she gave me the "People like you just like to take people like me down" line.

That line stands out in my memory because it was one of my first encounters with this sort of thinking.  First, I was put off by the binary.  People like me = older, fat, (then) dateless, loser.  People like her = naturally thin, blonde, super pretty, popular, mean because she can be.  It was simply crazy to me that someone "like me" was trying to take down someone "like her".  It was a total reverse of the standard power structure and so crazy that I couldn't understand where it was coming from. Now I know, though.  It was all that namby-pamby, give everyone a trophy for showing up stuff that's been going on for a while now and is a huge support system to the current reality show production system.  I watch some reality television, but I have very little patience for and tend not to watch the shows where when someone gets voted off, they go into the standard, "They made a mistake/they just don't 'get' me/you haven't seen the last of me/everyone will know my name/I'll be famous anyway" rant.  I'm sorry, snowflake, but odds are you won't be famous anyway unless you sell out that attitude and become a ridiculous farce of yourself. I'm so glad someone was able to put this into words. 

I hope more people take notice and there is an effort to work at reversing this trend.  Let's get back to trying to raise citizens that feel a responsibility to their communities and fellow people.

I can't believe I approve of something Sarah Palin said.

In response to the murder of abortion provider Dr. George Tiller, Sarah Palin has issued a statement: "I feel sorrow for the Tiller family. I respect the sanctity of life and the tragedy that took place today in Kansas clearly violates respect for life. This murder also damages the positive message of life, for the unborn, and for those living. Ask yourself, 'What will those who have not yet decided personally where they stand on this issue take away from today's event in Kansas?' Regardless of my strong objection to Dr. Tiller's abortion practices, violence is never an answer in advancing the pro-life message."

Considering I read other responses this morning that stated that this action was fine by the "Law of God", I'm really relieved that Governor Palin has the good sense to denounce this horrific act. As far as I've read so far, Bill O'Reilly has not yet responded.  He has been on a personal crusade against Dr. Tiller for years, calling him a murderer and "Tiller the baby killer" as well as many other horrible things. 

When are people going to realize that this crazy, raising hell sort of faux-journalism only leads to trouble and is really out of hand.  I'm interested to see what O'Reilly's response to this will be.  Will he be reasonable and say directly to his listeners that violence is NEVER the answer and that in no way should his entertainment news show be taken as instructions to commit violence?  Or will he say that his free speech rights are being threatened because he called out the doctor as he saw him to be?  Let's hope it's the former, but I'm not really hopeful.

I'm getting to a point where I really don't want to live in the country that is producing and spewing all this hatred and hate-speech.  I really need to see a turnaround.  I need to see the reasonable, intelligent people stand up and be counted.  We can agree to disagree - that's fine.  I don't need everyone to be pro-choice.  What I do need is for everyone to stop trying to impose their personal and religious beliefs on others and remember that this is a country where we support each other and applaud hard work and value a diversity of experiences and beliefs.

Flame... Flames... on the sides of my face...

Any Clue fans?  Full disclosure: I can quote the whole movie... in Cantonese.  Okay, kidding... about the Cantonese, that is.  If we watch the movie together, I will try not to quote the whole thing as it plays, I promise.

As I sit here watching and reading lots of news clips, I can only wonder why it is that EVERY SINGLE PERSON I see criticizing Sonia Sotomayor is a white man? I can't even bring myself to calm down enough to adequately address the language being used in reference to her.  It is so extremely gender and race biased that it makes me sick. 

G. Gordon Liddy saying that he hopes she doesn't have to make decisions when she's menstruating and referring to the language of Spanish as speaking "illegal alien"???  What about Glen Beck calling her "Hispanic chick lady"?  Several intimating that she only got in to Princeton because of affirmative action.  (Oh, yes, and George W. Bush got into Yale based on his stellar academics.  She won the top prize when she graduated.  What did Bushie win?  Nada - we all lost.) 

And so what that all of the judges on Obama's short list were women?  Guess what - the bench needs one.  I'm sorry old white men, but your time is up.  Time to learn how to share. In reference to the recent Prop 8 decision, my brother said that decades from now scholars are going to look back on this time period - our time period - and view it the same way that we view segregation and the ban on interracial marriages.  I'm hopeful that his guess of "decades from now" is correct because I really fear that it's going to take longer than that.  Better yet, though, I hope it happens even sooner than that.  I'm not sure how long I can bear to live in a state of constant frustration at the intolerance of my fellow citizens.

A question of marriages - gay, televised, and otherwise.

Recently I wrote about both gay marriage and Jon & Kate Plus 8.  Today I find myself thinking about both topics again as the Jon & Kate season premiere aired last night and then, today, the California Supreme Court announced it will uphold Proposition 8, banning gay marriage, but - but - upholding the gay marriages that took place before Prop 8.

Where to begin, right?

How about we start with John Tomicki of the New Jersey Coalition to Preserve and Protect Marriage, who stated that since NJ gay couples already have civil unions with all of the benefits, protections, and responsibilities of marriage, there's no need to change the terminology from civil union to marriage "other than to change the 'traditional' meaning of the term" (Fuchs, NJ.com).  If it's all the same, then why does the title matter to you?  And why is your organization's goal to "preserve and protect" marriage?  Would you like an arranged marriage?  Or perhaps you would like your wife to stay home, you know, as women should.  I hope she's not a high earner who is providing a significant portion of your household income.  And how about that dowry you paid to her father when you asked him for her hand in marriage?  How did that go?  Oh, oops, you didn't pay one?  If you're on board to preserve and protect marriage, you better be ready to have someone else define marriage for you.  Why do you get to define which stage of marriage gets protected and preserved?  I hope no one against gay marriage is in a biracial or multicultural marriage; you might just find yourself in the same place as the upheld gay marriages in CA today.

How do we get to Jon & Kate from here?  Well, it's clear to me that this is a specific marriage that needs protection and preservation.  Yes, when you sign up for a reality show, you invite a bit of speculation into your life.  But what I do not understand is how it remains legal for adult photographers (i.e. the dreaded paparazzi) to pursue, follow, and film children.  Wouldn't that get them questioned about child porn in some places?  And, to me, I do not understand how this "profession" is allowed to exist.  It clearly seems like harassment and I do not understand why there are no laws in the pipeline aiming to curb this (if there are and you are aware of this, please feel free to comment and correct my assumption).

The Jon & Kate Plus 8 season premiere made me remarkably sad.  As I stated previously, the hubby believed that the whole situation was probably made to look worse than it was and the episode would show that it's not as bad as the commercials were "dramatizing" it to be.  However, his silence and focused concentration during last night's premiere makes me think that he agrees that he was proven incorrect.  Jon and Kate seem to be barely speaking to each other and seem to not spend a lot of time together at home (or even in the same house together). 

Significantly, they both seem to be struggling with the care that eight children require.  Jon resents being left home with them while Kate goes on her book tour.  However, Kate took care of the kids by herself (well, with some help) for years while he worked (and he did state that he has help).  Kate then goes on to bemoan over and over (and over) how she has to plan the sextuplets' birthday party by herself.  Do you want an award for this?  Plenty of parents, both single and married, plan children's birthday parties by themselves.  You are not writing The Great American Novel or planning a Presidential Inaugural dinner.  This is a party, in a park, with cake and pinatas, for a group of five year olds.  Get a friggin' grip.

I believe they are both steeped in a lot of anger, but also a lot of fear.  I do not believe that either one of them has checked out of the marriage, as some people have intimated (specifically of Jon).  I believe they are both scared of feeling that possibility, especially in each other.  It seemed to me like neither one wanted to step up and admit that they might possibly want to work on their marriage.  Kate said this a bit, but more in the "I've done all I can and I'm now spent" kind of way - not in the "I'll go down fighting" kind of way.  They saved all of that for their kids, which is somewhat fair, but I really hope they take a step back and work on the marriage.

The fact that the downfall of their marriage is being pitched as entertainment disgusts me, as does the CA Supreme Court's decision today.  I don't believe that marriage is for everyone or every relationship, but I have found a lot of comfort in the support and security mine offers me.  I only wish that everyone else has the same opportunity if they want it and that, if they do so sign up, that they can endure marriage's ups and downs without a slew of photographers or hate speech following them.

Jon, Kate, Eight, and Us

The commercial for the season premiere of Jon & Kate Plus 8 makes me really sad (disclosure: okay, I've shed a few tears over it), but even more so when it's shown in conjunction with the past episode marathons that have been on recently.  It's painful to watch the progression of Jon & Kate as people, as a couple, as parents, and as celebrities. 

It's particularly worrisome to me because the hubby and I have always considered ourselves to be a lot like Jon and Kate and now it feels like if they could fail and possibly divorce, so could we. I know, they're a television couple.  But they're not fictional.  They had a real meeting, not unlike ours.  When asked when their relationship became serious, their answer is, "After the first date" which is also what we say.  They had a real engagement and a wedding that now makes me cry as I watch them promise things to each other that they seem to no longer be following through on.

I stood up for Kate long after people started bashing her parenting and attitude toward John.  The hubby and I have always found their relationship to be really amusing and, truth be told, the way they interact was extremely helpful for me in developing an understanding of how the hubby and I interact AND understanding that it's okay - that it won't all fall apart if you snipe at each other sometimes, even in front of the kids, or - gasp - in public.  And if they could handle eight, we could certainly handle one or two, seriously!

That said, it was apparent to me in the last (fourth) season that things had shifted.  Their bickering seemed less amicable and there was less apparent romance between them.  In addition, their life seemed increasingly less real.  They went on all these spectacular trips and no longer seemed to have any monetary concerns.  Part of the charm of the show was how they budgeted and managed on Jon's salary and how Jon balanced his job with his family life.  All of a sudden, though, that all disappeared - as well as any extraneous friends and family members who had been on the show, reportedly due to several falling outs.

The hubby thinks more has been made of Jon & Kate's problems than there really are, but I can't agree with him.  I think they have some serious problems right now and I hope they are able to reconcile their difficulties.  People scoff when one becomes concerned about a television or celebrity couple, but there's something about Jon & Kate that's always seemed extraordinarily real.  They made for great television because they weren't hiding anything, but it seems to me that they got caught up in their own celebrity and have been hiding behind those personas.  But now, as it crumbles all around them, I hope they find themselves again and the marriage I always admired so much.

The end of growing up

Today is my last post for April's NaBloPoMo, the theme of which was "Growing (Up)."  Like January's theme (change), I feel like it's a topic that is naturally occurring in my life and not one I have to really force myself to think about. Today, however, I am taken by how many of the students I come into contact with on a daily basis still have some significant growing up to do. 

The most troubling remarks I heard today were in reference to Rhianna and Chris Brown.  A group of girls was talking about how sad it is that they broke up because they had "a real fairy tale."  Not even considering the missing word "relationship" at the end of that, this was already a problem for me.  I have a real issue with little girls being raised to hope for fairy tales and Prince Charmings. The most troubling part was yet to come, though.  One of them said, "Yeah, and I don't get why it's everyone's business whatever happened between them."  (Never mind the irony that she's violating her own concern by taking part in this conversation.) 

Then the other girl said, "Seriously - cuz, you know, like sometimes a bitch needs a beat-down."

I was aghast.  This is beyond troubling to me.  Here is a group of girls that I feel are fairly representative of a good section of the current Millennial generation (generally those born between 1982-2001, although I see a difference between those born before 1990 and after, generally).  Having just finished Whatever It Takes and now almost being done with The Tipping Point, I really believe that this attitude has seeped into and pervaded the culture and will take a strong, similar force to turn it around.  Because I deal with a lot of young adults between the ages of 18 and 25, sometimes I want to believe that it's too late, that we will not be able to turn them around, that we should just give up on them and work on the kids growing up now. But we can't give up; these misguided young adults are going to be working members of our society and we can't allow these attitudes to continue to spread.  I just don't know what to do, frankly.  I hope someone does and I hope that I can help in some way.  I know that, ideally, I should have said something to those girls today.  I didn't, though, because I don't think they would have really heard me; I'm not an authority figure to them.  I'm just the girl who tells them to quiet down all the time. My brain is muddled and troubled about this today.  I know it's going to be on my mind for a while.

I measure every Grief I meet...

I measure every Grief I meet
With narrow, probing, Eyes
- Emily Dickinson

Last night I found out that someone dear to me recently suffered a miscarriage in her fifth month of pregnancy.  When they investigated why the fetus died, they discovered tumors on the umbilical cord and elsewhere in her uterus and she was informed that she has cancer, so now she's in treatment for that.  She has a very happy outlook on it all, though, which I believe will help her through.

Then I found out that a former coworker died in a traffic accident.  She was only three years older than me (proximity of age always make death even harder for me) and the article I found about the accident makes it sound as though she stepped into traffic on the highway, which I find terribly difficult to believe.  But these days, isn't that always the line?  "S/he would never do something like that."  There's always someone saying the serial killer next door was such a nice person or that there were no signs before someone killed herself.  I tend to think this might just be poor journalism.  Either way, she leaves behind a husband and two year old daughter.  It doesn't matter how she went; it's just that she's gone.

I made it through teaching last night by basically being out of my own body.  Teaching is actually really wonderful for distracting oneself from other issues and concerns.  However, as soon as I got to my car afterwards, I broke down and cried all the way home, totally overwhelmed by all the sadness and suffering and loss.

Today I feel better, but a bit on edge.  I'm not sure how much more I want to bear.  I know I could bear more; in fact, I realized yesterday that there is quite a lot I can handle - but some of this is teetering on what is beyond my ability to bear.  Thankfully I have wonderful friends - friends who alternately comfort, calm, distract, amuse, and reason.  They provide logical reasons why everything will be okay, not empty promises that it all will just be okay somehow, which is something I really appreciate. The NY Times posted an article on Monday about how friendship leads to longer life, even if they're not friends you see in person regularly, but still keep in touch with (via email, phone, Facebook, etc).  It concludes that friends make your life better; I could not agree more.

I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.

One of the things I love most about poetry is how it can seamlessly intersect with my day, even when I'm not looking for it to do so.  The poem below caught my eye today and I've been puzzling over it on and off, between tasks:

Before the World Was Made
by William Butler Yeats

If I make the lashes dark
And the eyes more bright
And the lips more scarlet,
Or ask if all be right
From mirror after mirror,
No vanity's displayed:
I'm looking for the face I had
Before the world was made.

What if I look upon a man
As though on my beloved,
And my blood be cold the while
And my heart unmoved?
Why should he think me cruel
Or that he is betrayed?
I'd have him love the thing that was
Before the world was made.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can't quiet my mind enough to develop a theory as to what this poem is getting at, which is probably why it's continuing to stick in my head.  But I've also been thinking a lot about someone very dear to me who is suffering from chronic pain and various daily life difficulties.  I can't say much about it because I would prefer to keep it private, but also because I will not be able to avoid crying at work, which would not be good. So I will just go on to say that I think there is something now connecting in my head about that poem and about wanting that person to hang on and not give up - not give in to the seemingly overwhelming prospect of ongoing pain.  Hang on and remember the you that was there before the world was made. This troubles me so much that I am having trouble breathing and am beginning to get a stress-induced headache.  There are people I can be there for and there are those that I absolutely need to be there for me, ones I cannot live without.  This person is the latter but needs me to be the former and I really don't know what to do and how to do it.  Hopefully just doing whatever I can do is enough.

How do you slog through the day?

Last night I thought I lost $5 and it threw me into a fifteen minute crying jag.  I started the day with a heartbreaking email from my brother about how much he's struggling with daily headaches and nausea (ongoing illness), spent all day trying to figure out how I was going to manage to pay my bills and put gas in my car, only to go home with my last $6 (seriously, the only cash I had available to me) so I could spend it at the laundromat, washing our comforter.  Realizing that we are so broke that something as simple as losing FIVE DOLLARS could derail my plans and cause us to have to sleep with a less-than-clean comforter was just too much for my psyche yesterday.  The tears flowed and I was powerless to stop them.  Thankfully I was able to get a little bit of money out of our joint account and use that.  Then, this morning, I found the $5.

I've never been the sort to try and be chipper.  I do have a "glass half full" tendency in that I can usually find something positive about anything going on, but I'm not all smiles and sunshine (in fact, the color yellow and bright, sunny days sometimes make me want to run and hide).  I was even Eeyore for Halloween once... in my mid-twenties (so this was after I escaped the perma-funk of my teens and early 20s).  But I feel like, even for me, there is just too much to handle and juggle right now.

It's not a lie to say I have relished unhappiness in the past.  I spent a lot of time being unhappy and so while it may seem counterintuitive, being unhappy is often a more comfortable state of mind for me.  However, I am now mature enough to recognize how unhealthy and unproductive it is.  I enjoy being happy and productive in ways that I didn't fifteen years ago.  I'm not one to force myself to be happy, but I will force myself to make sure I'm not being overly unhappy, if that makes sense.

But, again, it just feels like there's too much.  The doomsayers in the media have me (appropriately, I think) scared.  What has me scared even more are the responses to our nation's current issues - the stupid and inane concerns people continue to have.  These are big plate fears - almost too big to carry because it's nothing I can fix on my own.  I can't change the economy by myself, which is probably the scariest part.  I don't trust a lot of my fellow Americans to do their part.

Then there are the small plate concerns.  Everyone in my family is struggling with money.  I know several couples unable to make their mortgage payments.  I know more people than I can count off the top of my head who are unemployed or underemployed.  Someone I know drinks too much and I don't know what to do about that.  I worry what would happen if my dog got sick because there's no way we'd be able to afford any kind of medication or treatment right now.  Mostly I worry about my brother because he is dealing with a daily health issue that's been ongoing for a few years now and can't afford to see the doctor.  It's affecting his studies and his work.  Most days I really have to try and not think about it because it's too painful; I worry about him too much.

So how do I slog through?  I'm not even sure, but I find myself laughing, despite my worries about the people I know and my own financial situation as well as my fears about our country overall.  I found myself being silly at work yesterday, despite starting the day sad.  I found myself being silly at bedtime, even though I had been crying about my $5 a few hours earlier.  Today I started the day crying again, as I found out that a friend had to put their young dog to sleep... but now I find myself with a smile on my face.  I'm happy to go teach tonight; I'm happy the week is half over; I'm happy we have friends coming over for a game night on Friday; I'm happy to have a job and a home, even if holding on to both is tough these days; I'm happy that my brother is moving back to NJ in three months; I'm happy to have a husband I love more than I could have imagined.

I don't know if I'd ever describe myself as a happy person but my life sure does include a lot to be happy about and I think that is what helps me slog through the muck that brings us down.

She wore a greeeeen (not raspberry) beret.

Me: reading NY Times articles about obesity

Coworker: "Hey, Candice, the Girl Scout cookies you ordered are here!"

Me: heart swells with joy

At least I can tell myself that two of the boxes I ordered are for my brother; I'm going to mail them to him as a surprise.  He's a total Thin Mint junkie and while he's very health conscious, I know he'll enjoy these in moderation.

Did you know the Girl Scouts are mostly doing away with badges?  This makes me sad.  I understand they're trying to modernize but I think small achievements like badges are good for girls.  I know I still treasure mine (I have my juniors badge sash in a box in the basement - and, yes, I'm old enough that we had sashes, not those vests they got later).

So now I shall finish out my afternoon, trying to get some work done while not eating the eight boxes of Girl Scout cookies sitting to my right.