Letter to the Editors

Dear Good Housekeeping and The Nest:

I appreciate the space and purpose you attempt to inhabit in the almighty webiverse, but I am having some issues with you today.

I'll admit, you drew me in with your promise of "Advice for Newlyweds!" and "5 Things No One Ever Told Me About Married S*x".  I am feeling particularly vulnerable this week as my husband and I are newly settling in together after having only lived together for less than a year in my parents' attic.  We've never lived alone together before and, naturally, the ride is a little bumpy, there have been some harsh words, and some tears.  So, dear sites, I felt hopeful that your enticing links would provide solace, food for thought, and some practical suggestions.

I ended up not feeling any better.  Here are a few of my concerns/issues(/neuroses?):

Issue #1: The page containing marital info is labeled "Family & Pets" (I'm talking to you Good Housekeeping).  While I understand these are somewhat related - under the same roof and all - I'd rather not click on anything even partially labeled "Pets" when thinking about my marriage.

Issue #2: I understand that once a baby/child/children enter a marriage, nothing is ever the same.  Trust me, I get that.  However, there are those of us who are married but not with children.  Therefore, advice about making time for each other despite the horrendous intrusion of curtain climbers (as my cousin calls them) leaves me feeling like my marriage is unworthy of the discussion.  Those of us without kids also still have a hard time making time for each other.

Issue #3: There are multiple references to maintaining "date night".  Clearly, we must (MUST!) continue to go out, just the two of us, on a regular basis, all dressed up, just like we used to before we were dating.  But I ask, dear writers, what about those of us for whom that was never the case?  What if you had a jeans and t-shirt courtship?  What if  nearly your entire courtship was semi-long distance and you only saw each other on  weekends, which then perfectly melded dating and hanging out?  What if you almost never dressed up to go out?  What if your proposal actually wasn't the most romantic ever?  What if you've never gotten flowers or sweet cards or love notes or random presents?  Again, I am feeling like a marriage less valid.  Plus, I am still without an answer - what am I supposed to do with a husband who said, "Date night?  Why would we need that? We're married."  I've searched your sites for this but have thus far not found any help.

Issue #4: I get it - we're supposed to have common interests, namely drinking.  Every dinner recipe involves wine and a wink-nudge about dessert.  What if one or both of you don't drink?  What if what you have in common is how much you love each other but don't like the other one's movies, books, or restaurants?  Does this not happen?  I'm really beginning to feel like my marriage is an anomaly.

Issue #5: This whole "each person puts in 60% so both people feel like they're both adequately contributing and you don't have to bug each other about who does what chores."  What if one of you seems to be using the "new math" where one person's 60% is another person's 30% (leaving the aforementioned pets to pick up 10%?).  If we were both putting in 60%, wouldn't it be the case that I would no longer notice unmade beds and dirty stoves and hair in the sink?  Or is it just that his 60% covers things I likewise just don't see?  I must have some chores that involve his Blackberry that I keep forgetting since that's where most of his chores seem to be centered.

Being your semi-average, straight, suburban girl, I never thought I'd find myself in a non-traditional marriage, but clearly, that must be what I have stumbled into.  However, when I type "non-traditional marriage" into Google, I am led to: sites about polygamy (I have enough to handle with one spouse, thank you); sites about non-traditional wedding ceremonies/ invitations/ dresses/decorations, etc (I already had my wedding, thank you again) and eventually to Prop 8 (I'm all for gay marriage; I'm just not in one).  So how non-traditional is my marriage that it isn't satisfied by your sites or by non-traditional ones?

Thank you again for your time and effort... just a little bit more of both would be nice, though.

Warmest regards,

BP

Is "snooze-fest" an oxymoron?

Because I was going to say I could use a snooze-fest but then I became overwhelmingly tired at the idea of participating in a "fest" of any kind.  Yes, I am just THAT tired today.

I was off yesterday (amazingly, a holiday my job actually provided) so I spent the day organizing the apartment.  We're making progress (well, okay, I am making progress since most of the stuff is mine) but it's driving me absolutely bonkers how long it's taking to get settled in.  My sister asked if I'd be able to babysit at the apt after work tomorrow, but it's soooo NOT baby/toddler friendly right now.  I told her I'd see how much we can get accomplished tonight because I really would like to see my nephew.  The last time I saw him (moving day, so 10 days ago), he was taking 3-4 steps by himself.  Now he can walk across a whole room by himself!  I have to see this!

Organizing the apartment in itself has been tiring - mentally as much as physically.  It's not physically demanding, it's just a lot of standing when, frankly, I'm used to sitting all day - so I recognize that the moving around part is good for me.  What's been difficult is the getting rid of things part.  I took five (FIVE!!!) boxes of books to the library.  They were books I won't miss much, but will still miss (just because I love books, period).  I wouldn't have read them again or used them for any research, so why keep them?  The boxes included stuff like a bunch of chick lit and Mass Comm and News Analysis textbooks printed before the internet was everyone's main source of media and news - so, yeah, those were practically relics (and tell you about when I went to college, eep).

I also made some tough decisions and got rid of more clothing - mostly size 14, some size 12 (what was left of what I hadn't yet gotten rid of).  This was hard because there's nothing to make you feel like 1 - a weight-loss failure and 2 - a future non-success at weight loss than getting rid of your smaller clothing.  I did keep a few size 12 items, a bunch of 14, and most of the size 16 stuff... I have faith I can get into those.  If I need new clothing even after that, I'll just have to budget for it.  That's a long way off anyway.

I also threw out a bunch of knick-knacks and tchockes - again, nothing with really any significant sentimental value, just things I liked having.  It's all in the name of compromise, though.  I no longer live in "my" apartment; I live in "our" apartment and a huge part of that for me is recognizing that I literally have to share the space.  This is new to me - I've had my own room most of my life and had my own apartment for three years before moving back into my parents' house last year.  I'm used to total command over my own space; it's going to take me a while to get used to sharing.

I cooked a nice dinner and dessert on Friday and took a bunch of pictures.  I'll post that at some point (but I didn't take enough pictures for it to count as my "55. Post a blog entry about a new dinner recipe attempt (with pictures)").  Saturday (V-day) was an odd day.  The tension of unpacking was at a high, making for a very tense and moody day, but a good, honest afternoon talk (forced upon me by my husband) helped level things out and we had a really awesome Valentine's Day dinner at P.F. Changs (mmmmm).  It ended up being the best day we've had in a long time.

For now I am counting the hours and minutes until I get to leave (2hrs, 14 mins) so I can go home and do even MORE unpacking and arranging.  It'll be worth it if it gets me some time with my nephew tomorrow, though.

32. Move into an apartment.

Well, we are moved in; we may not be settled in, but we are moved in. I just went and picked up Oreo from my parents house - the last important thing to come over.  Sure we have some odds and ends at both our parents houses still, but who doesn't?  (Seriously, so many people I know have stuff at their parents' house - it seems so weird to me.)  Anyway, Oreo is currently walking around the apartment, seemingly confused.  No wonder, though, since this is the fourth place she's lived in the past three years, just like me.  Her beds are here, though, and so are her dishes, so she knows this is where she now lives.  She'll settle in soon, especially when Tom comes home.

I called out from work today to stay home and do some additional unpacking and arranging.  I've been at it all day but I feel like I've barely gotten one hour's worth done.  I hate how long it takes to unpack and arrange things, especially when you have very limited space (which we do here).

The move itself went great.  Our friends Dave and Keith were a great, great help, as was my brother-in-law, who let us borrow one of his trucks from work (he's a mason) and drove my furniture from the storage place to the apartment.  My friend Danielle was a great help in unpacking the kitchen stuff (although we did it for hours and yet I'm STILL unpacking kitchen stuff!  I'm almost wondering how much I really need!).

Today's cleaning and unpacking was not without incident, though: my toaster oven punched me.  The result:

{result of domestic appliance violence}

(Yes, that is a huge zit on my chin; I can't seem to get it to go away, so just ignore it.)  I was scrubbing the toaster oven and balancing it on the dish rack when it slipped and the door flipped open and caught me in the mouth.  For a second I thought I chipped a tooth, but thankfully I only cracked my lip open.  It is a true sign of committment to domesticity (for the day) that I went on scrubbing and cleaning for half an hour before going to check out my lip in the bathroom.

I hope when I go back to work tomorrow people don't think I was out because someone hit me.

Hooo wants

1. I have become obsessed with owls lately.

2. Even though I've opted not to officially participate in February's NaBloPoMo, I find myself spending a lot of time talking (both online and irl) about things I want.

In honor of both obsessions, I present this from The Yumi Yumi Shop on Etsy:

For some reason, I like anything that presents all four seasons.  In fact, experiencing all four seasons fully is one of the things I love most about living in the Northeast (probably second only to proximity to NYC).  So this then combines that AND my current love of all things owl.  I think I would even have an owl-themed nursery if I were to get pregnant (no, we're not trying any time soon, it's just a topic that's kind of fun to think about - it's more fun to think about the decorating of a nursery than the actual work involved once a baby arrives).  To make it even better, owls are often pictured with books.  I decided to do a little faux research (i.e. Wikipedia reading) about owls to see if I could find the reason for this connection (i.e. owls = knowledge).  Interesting facts:

1. Owls are far sighted.  They can't see anything within a few inches of their eyes (the exact opposite of me before LASIK).  This could be why they're often pictured with reading glasses.

2. Owls kill their prey with their sharp beak and talons and then swallow their prey whole (eww, 1).  They then regurgitate the indigestible parts of their prey (bones, scales, fur) in the form of pellets (eww, 2).

3. In Hindu mythology, owls are associated with the goddess of wealth so it is considered lucky if an owl resides near your house.

4. In Greek mythology, the owl was often associated with Athena, the goddess of wisdom, the arts, and skills.  It seems this is where their association with knowledge and wisdom comes from.

5. The owl is the official mascot of Mensa.  (I've been meaning to apply to Mensa for years.  Maybe after I move I'll finally get on that.  I should have put it on my 101 in 1001 list.)

There are a lot of bad omens and meanings also associated with owls, seemingly mainly due to the way they screech and the fact that most of them are nocturnal.  Nocturnal screeching and wisdom?  Sounds like perfectly appropriate decoration for a nursery.

And, really, how could I not want these stuffed owls from bdelicious.com:

I just realized: I have to live with a boy?

In all the rah-rah happiness of getting engaged, getting married, and finally finding an apartment, it only really occurred to me last night what moving in with my husband means: I have to live with a boy.

I've never lived with someone of the male persuasion before other than my father and my brother.  I certainly haven't moved with one before and I haven't really shared my space before.  Even in my parents' house, I always had my own space - an area I did not have to share.  As my husband and his brother and I moved things into the apartment last night, I realized that I don't get to call all the shots.  I don't know where my clothes will go because ALL the closets aren't mine.  I can't tell my husband that he has to get rid of his entirely hideous desk because the 2nd bedroom/office is his room, too (though, trust me, I have tried many times to convince him of the desk's ugliness but unfortunately he chooses function over form).  I think we need to have a baby soon so that 2nd bedroom becomes the baby's room and we have no choice but to get rid of the desk.

I, however, have to get rid of my desk, the matching printer cart, and bookcase because there is no room for them.  Even though I don't foresee needing the desk (it was a grad school purchase), I'm bitter about it.  It's MY desk.  It's MY apartment.  No, wait, it's our apartment.  I can't just dictate the way things will be; I have to discuss them.  This is all very new to me and I think it's going to be difficult.

It is going to definitely take some time to get used to this.

Weighing in

My workplace is doing a "Biggest Winner" competition for the next three months.  Even though the idea of even one coworker knowing my weight is horrifying, I signed up because I know accountability will help push me to work on this.

So I kicked off my shoes and stepped on the scale, totally pretending like I wasn't crying inside.  And then the number came up - seven pounds higher than the last time I weighed myself at home.  I felt terrible but just smiled, as I've been doing my whole life whenever I've had to share my weight with someone (although it's usually a healthcare professional).

I need to lose weight for me.  I felt better, both physically and mentally, when I weighed less.  I was more outgoing and had more energy and stamina.  Even my skin was better.  I felt better about myself and my lifestyle.  I need to get back to that place again.  I will not judge someone of any size and am not saying any particular size is preferable.  I am doing this for me, knowing what feels best for me.  I was in that place and I let it slide away, pound by pound, snack by snack, hour by hour on the sofa.

Today after work the hubby and I are moving more boxes with the help of his brother (yay, help!).  I can't wait until we're moved in and can hook up the Wii Fit.  It won't make me thin, but it'll get me moving and it'll get my butt off the sofa.  My best friend has one now (just got it a week or so ago) so I have a buddy to do this with, to talk about it with.  That plus the weekly weigh-ins at work have got to help me get moving.  I miss being strong, energetic, and healthy.

Celebration Sphere

I think I want to light the apartment with celebration spheres:

Every day would be like a party!  "Good morning!  It's party time!"  "Dinner's ready!  It's party time!"

Or I might have just lost it and really need it to be the weekend (party time?).

Yesterday... all my troubles... something.

Yesterday was one of those weird days where one has great highs and great lows.  After work, my husband and I were going out to sign the lease and get the keys for our new apartment, but right before we left, I was sobbing in the kitchen over something else entirely.  So, yeah, one of those kind of days.

My family isn't always great with money.  The way I have this blog, I won't say anything here that I wouldn't say to someone if they were standing in front of me... so I can confirm that no one in my immediate family would deny that we're not great with money.  Not dumb, necessarily, just not great and not always lucky.  Right now, all parts of my immediate family are struggling a bit.  Our struggles are mild in comparison to what some other people are experiencing in this economy, but it's still been difficult.  My husband was laid off in September, right before our wedding, and has been temping since.  My mother hasn't had a permanent job in over a year, I believe, and has had some temp jobs here and there.  My parents are constantly struggling with their mortgage.  My sister and her husband bought their new house right before she got pregnant (unplanned) and so they're more strapped for cash than they intended to me.  We've all had significant car repairs recently.  I have a mountain of grad school debt that I was certain would be paid by the fabulous job my Master's degree would get me after graduation, having no idea I'd earn less now than I did before I even had my B.A..

My brother is in his last semester of law school and it's been a tough ride for him all along.  He has some health issues he's been battling and has been living the "poor grad student" life all along.  He takes excellent care of himself, but no doctor has been able to figure out completely what's wrong and they're costing hundreds of dollars a visit, so he can't always go.  The issue this month was that his student loans were late and so he couldn't pay his bills, including his car loan, and so they were threatening to take his car - even though this was his only missed payment (tough crowd).  So my husband and I lent him the money so he could wire it today, but his student loan money came in this morning so everything is okay anyway.

It's hard to explain why this in particular hit me so hard since money problems like this aren't new.  I think the biggest part of it is that I hate that my "little" brother is a thousand miles away.  I have hated it the entire time he's there.  My brother and I have the same habit of not asking for any help until the very last, dire minute, so it's been impossible to know exactly what's going on with him because he'll never say anything.  Without his car, he couldn't go to class or his clerkship, so his law school semester would be over, there would go graduation, his degree, everything.  Thankfully it's worked out, but it was tough.

On top of that, my dad fell on the ice Wednesday night and bruised his lower back.  Again, he won't say anything about it; my mom had to tell me.  He slipped on the front walkway and hit the small of his back on the bottom step of the front steps.  That can't be good so now I'm worried he didn't just bruise himself.  I'm trying to get my mom to take him for x-rays.  My dad is young for his age - no one ever believes how old he is - but he is still over 60, no matter if he looks like he's barely 50.  I hate that he still does all the shoveling and yard work.  I hope my parents can move into a place where they don't have those responsibilities anymore.

So from there the hubby and I went to sign our lease and get our apartment keys.  We picked up some things from the storage facility (might as well not go to the new place empty-handed!) and went to the apartment to measure the rooms for painting (if we paint all the rooms - I'm not sure; I had no idea paint was so expensive!  Why do they always say paint is the cheapest way to redecorate a room?  At $25/gallon?  Seriously?).  We're at least painting the bedroom - goodbye yellow.

I often have a problem feeling how I'm "supposed" to feel on a particular event.  It's why I was surprised by how purely happy I was on our wedding day.  Usually I just feel like, "Okay, it's a day" about things.  I know I should have felt something extra getting our apartment keys yesterday, but I didn't.  My mind was on my family and what would come next.  I know I'll feel the happiness when we lock the apartment door behind us on the first night we sleep there.  Then it's ours; then it's home.

We are moving!!

We decided to take the apartment and are going to get the keys later this week!  Crazy fast, right??  Because I know the building owner, it's all very casual.  He's letting us pay the security over several payments (he said we can take a few months but the hubby and I agreed we'll have it done by the end of March, if not sooner).  He's going to copy the keys today and we'll get them tomorrow or Friday.  He has to fix a light in the living room, but in the meantime, we can start moving stuff in.  I forgot to ask if we're allowed to paint, but I'll ask when we get the keys.  I'm assuming we will be able to, no problem.  The owner is really low-key (but super organized and neat, so it's not like the place isn't in tip-top shape) so I don't think painting will be a problem, especially since one of the rooms is already yellow (the rest are white).  We're planning on a light blue with grey undertones for the bedroom (that's the room that's currently yellow - and I simply cannot abide yellow).  Maybe we'll even paint the other rooms, I don't know.  Something to think about!

This is really fantastic because now we don't have to have one BIG moving day.  Instead, we can move some things every single day so it's not this huge, monumental, back-breaking task.  I have a love/hate relationship with moving.  I love to move and live in new places but I hate actually packing and carrying the boxes.  I don't mind unpacking as much because I'm like, "Oooh, I love this!  I forgot I had this!!" even if I just packed it two weeks earlier (I'm special like that).  I'm especially looking forward to unpacking all of the stuff from my bridal shower, which I opened at the shower and then promptly put into storage so I barely remember what's there.

Tom and I can now also finally get to returning a few of the bridal shower items.  We only got three sets of china (we registered for twelve) and two sets of glasses so we're going to return it all and put the credit toward our luggage.  China and expensive stemware weren't really a priority for us (how many fancy dinners are we going to host?) and we agree that the luggage is a better investment, especially since we're flying to Florida in May for my brother's law school graduation.  The funny thing was that I was thinking this for a while but didn't say anything because I was worried Tom would say, "But then what will the people who bought us the china and glasses think?"  But then the other day he brought this up himself and suggested we just return the china since we can't afford to buy the remaining nine sets!  It was a great moment.  We do that a lot, too, and I love feeling like we're just naturally in sync.  I think places like Target and Crate & Barrel have awesome plates and glasses and flatware; I'm so totally happy to have that kind of stuff rather than china.  Maybe one day we'll have so much money that we'll go out and buy it all for ourselves... or maybe we'll just never care about it.  I think I'd like to own china one day, but I really have no good reason for it other than I like what it represents, a certain lifestyle.  Of course, it's a lifestyle we probably will never have so, yeah - there goes my china.  I'm not meticulous enough for china and silver anyway.  Give me Target plates and Bed, Bath, and Beyond flatware any day.  (They really do make such nice stuff!)

The new apartment has a dishwasher, which is great because I hate washing dishes.  It, the stove, and the fridge are all only three years old.  There is no laundry facility, which is the main down point about the location, but we'll survive.  We can do laundry at the laundromat and/or my parents' house (which, of course, is cheaper).  It seems like there may be an available connection in the basement, though, so maybe it's a possibility for the future.

There are two bedrooms, which is nice.  We're going to use the second bedroom as an office.  Eventually, I want to get a new bed so then maybe our current bed would go in there as a guest room (I also have a sofa-bed, which will be a bitch to move because it is super heavy).  The unspoken idea is that maybe one day it'll be a baby's room (and by "unspoken" I mean I have kept this thought entirely to myself)... but that opens a zillion scary thoughts like, "Us?  Have a baby?" and "In that apartment?" and "Sometime soon?  Like within the next ten years?"  The bedrooms are small, so there isn't a lot of room for a lot of furniture, but that's okay.  It'll help stop us from thinking we should buy any.

I didn't think we'd be moving this soon; I just didn't think it was feasible.  It's a little scary to move when the hubby only has a temp job, but he's had good luck at getting continual assignments (and the current one is particularly promising) so we just have to hope it keeps going - and do everything we can to make sure it does.  No turning back now: full responsibility, here we come.

Suffering a lack of motivation

I cannot bring myself to do much work today.  As I have stated many times before, I am very grateful to have a job (one that I believe is quite secure) and I really should do all I can to make sure I am the best employee I can be.  Usually I am a very good employee; once someone hires me, I often do quite well and receive many commendations and promotions.  Today is just one of those days where I don't feel like that person, though.  Today is a day where I am just waiting until 5pm comes so I can get in my car and go home.  It doesn't help that tonight my husband and I are going to look at an apartment.  I'm so excited about that and really can't concentrate on much else.

The apartment is in the next town over from where we are now, so that's good.  It's the first floor of a two floor house, has two bedrooms AND has a fenced-in backyard, which is great so we have room for guests and our computers plus a yard for Oreo.  The landlord is a family friend of my sister's and I've known him for years.  He's a great guy and would be an excellent landlord to have.  We would have the first floor; the second floor is occupied by my sister's husband's former sister-in-law (got that?) and her two daughters, all of whom I know and like.  It would be a really ideal situation.  I'm just nervous about being able to afford the first month and security all up front since we had to use over half the money we had saved for that for bills in the past two months.  But I'm hopeful and really excited to see the place tonight.  I love looking at apartments and houses, even if I'm not interested.  I always find it interesting... but this one I have a huge stake in.  Keep your fingers crossed for us!