The Debt That Dare Not Speak Its Name

My brother recently posted a link on his Facebook page to the FinAid - The SmartStudent Guide to Financial Aid - calculator, which allows students to calculate what their student loan monthly payments will be and what sort of salary they should have so that their student loan debt isn't a burden. Oh, goody!  I was just dying to know what I should be earning so that these student loan payments aren't a burden.  They have been feeling a bit heavy lately, you know?  This way I can find out what sort of raise I should ask for at my next annual review.

"It is estimated that you will need an annual salary of at least $128,320.80 to be able to afford to repay this loan."

Oh good - it's a totally reasonable amount.  Phew.  I was worried I'd have to ask for something obscene. /sarcasm *headdesk* My monthly loan payment is less than a hundred dollars short of my monthly rent.  Basically, we could be saving up for a house if I didn't have these loans.  We could be doing a zillion things if I didn't have these loans.

In order to battle the heart-stopping depression that my loan figures induce, I try to think about all the good things my university degrees have and can provide, like... um... oh, jobs!  Yes, I have two jobs thanks to my degrees!  Well, except that it's the amount of student loans I have that make it an utter necessity for me to maintain two jobs so that I can make my monthly loan payments. I will say, though, that I feel lucky to enjoy a lot of what my jobs entail, especially the teaching and tutoring aspects.  It would be a whole lot worse if I had these degrees and then had to work in a field or department I couldn't feel good about.  So at least there's that.

But this debt is a crushing burden and an issue far more complicated than "it's all my fault" or "it's the fault of the current US education system/government policies."  There's a lot that goes into amassing debt like this.  The only problem is now I'm stuck having to figure out how to maintain these payments while still doing all the things in life I wish to do, like have a baby and buy a home. The easiest route would be to just earn more money.  Hopefully my boss will approve my request for a 300% raise.

My man don't tell these lies (and neither do I)

No, seriously, I am one lucky wifey.  Of course, this expert knowledge of "The 13 Lies All Men Tell" is from AOL News, who is continually, astoundingly frustrating in the inaccuracies and pure idiocy of some of their "reporting".  But, regardless, I found this to be interesting and was left wondering if these are just really old stereotypes or am I truly just really that lucky that I don't have to worry about these?

The 13 Lies All Men Tell

1. What woman in the thong bikini?
I.e. All men lie about looking at other women.  Yeah, not a problem with us.  He freely admits when he's looking at some other girl, usually along the lines of, "Hey, honey, check her out.  Would she be threesome material?"  And, honestly, I don't mind.  I know he's not going anywhere with anyone else.  I can appreciate a beautiful woman, too, so I really couldn't care less if he looks at them.

2. My hair is as thick and glorious as the day I graduated high school.
Ignoring the bad grammar in that one, it's another falsehood.  My husband is thoroughly obsessed with his hair and how it's thinner and grayer than it's ever been.  However, I don't care and I don't care.  It's not thin (not that I'd care if it was) and I absolutely adore the flecks of gray.  He's not dishonest about it and I'm not either.

3. I know you would never fake it.
The idea here is that all men are too insecure to admit that sometimes they can't please their partner.  This is a particularly annoying lie because it does no one any good.  If you can't work together as partners to make sure everyone's satisfied, then how good is your partnership?  Sometimes there just isn't wind in the sails, and THAT IS OKAY.  And sometimes you need a motor boat.  Whatever gets your boat out to sea.

4. Honey, you have such superb driving skills that I don't feel the need to wear a seatbelt.
Okay, well, first - I would smack the hubby upside the head if he attempted to ride in any car without a seatbelt.  That's just plain stupid (I told you AOL News was idiotic).  But aside from that, the hubby and I are very honest with each other about our driving.  In some ways, we do drive similarly, but in the ways we don't, we love to crack on each other.  For example, for some reason, I keep parking ON the curb at our new place.  Generally, I am an excellent parallel parker, but for some reason the curb outside our house tricks me every time.  He laughs at this and I don't care.

5. Brad Pitt and George Clooney's movies are cinematic genius.
The hubby and I do not like a lot of the same movies - well, maybe half, if I'm being generous.  But we make no bones about this.  I will not watch Pineapple Express with him and I do not expect him to watch La Vie en Rose with me - and, again, we're both fine with this.  Why would you feel the need to lie about something as trivial as your reasons for seeing (or not seeing) a movie?  I told the hubby flat out that half the reason I totally loved the new Star Trek movie was because Chris Pine is soooooo damn hot.

6. What puffy undereye circles?
I.e. Men lie about their own appearances so as to not appear vain and "girly".  Yeah, my hubby is pomo (postmodern) in that way.  He obsesses about zits way more than I ever will.  He will happily obsess over any facial concern until I tell him to just get it over with and put a bag on his head.

7. I love wine and cheese night, too.
This one is based on the premise that "most men would rather crack a cold one and watch the game in a ratty pair of sweatpants than go to your best friend's for fondue."  Wrong.  1 - The hubby's "cold one" better be a Dr. Pepper or he's seriously not interested.  2 - He would never own a ratty pair of sweats.  He gets new pajama pants if his current ones get a hole.  3 - He loves fondue.  4 - He thinks I'm fun when I've had some wine.

8. I'm not hurt, just angry.
For better or for worse, the hubby freely tells me when he's hurt.  I'm the one who tends to say I'm angry when I'm actually hurt.  I find it difficult to be vulnerable enough to say I've allowed myself to get hurt.  (Yes, we have had many discussions about how I am "the man" in the marriage.)

9. I don't care what you think.
Really?  Seriously?  I mean, duh.  What kind of person doesn't care what their partner or spouse thinks?  The article says men thrive on their partner's approval.  I think "thrive" is a bit strong.  Don't we all want our partner's approval most of the time?  Sure, there are times we go against it, but hopefully not for huge things that affect the partner.  The hubby and I have a very good understanding of when we have input and when we don't.  I'd say that 95% of decisions are open to discussion.

10. I need to go golfing, bowling, or [insert requisite man activity here]to work on my game.
The concern here is that your poor man doesn't get enough me-time.  Per AOL (and I really love quoting this one): "Men have more independent needs, and women are more relationship-oriented."  Unless we've just met, you already know that I am the one constantly looking for me-time and the hubby wants us to spend more time together.  It's a balance we're continually working on (and it's working super well right now).  But regardless of which partner it is, why aren't you just saying you need some time to yourself?  Why does this need a lie?

11. I'm not a crier.
Puh-leese.  All men cry.  I've seen the hubby cry - and not just out of pure joy at the Star Trek film.  We've both cried during arguments and after our dogs died.  Human beings cry in response to strong emotions.  Why must there be a stigma to that?

12. Primary breadwinner? Piece of cake.
This winner tells us that men feel pressure about being the primary breadwinner and how they like to have total control of the finances, but that this, too, is stressful.  *sigh*  All this with NO acknowledgment that women can be the primary breadwinner.  I am the breadwinner in our family and, while it isn't traditional, it's a situation we're both fine with.  My career is important to me and, more importantly, I enjoy it.  Does this mean that sometimes I get stressed out about what would happen if I lost my job because a larger chunk of our financial responsibilities and health insurance are my responsibility?  Most absolutely.  Do I walk around saying it's all a piece of cake?  No - but I might if it ever crossed my mind.  Sure, we're always struggling with money, but it's a work in progress between both of us and we're totally honest with one another with what we earn, what we save, what we spend, and how we feel about how the other one spends.  There's no other way for us to be.

13. I thought you were thinking that.
What?  Men can't read minds?  Men and women speak so differently that it's like, oh I don't know, men are from Mars and women are from Venus?  You don't say!  This gem tells us to say, "Give me a kiss when you come from work" instead of "You never pay attention to me."  Really?  Being straightforward and sweet instead of a bitching harpie actually works?  I'll have to try that sometime.

I think a lot of these issues have to do with confidence.  If you have confidence in yourself as someone who knows reasonably well how to interact with people and treat a partner, you shouldn't find a need to lie.  If you love your partner, you should respect them by not lying to them.  If you respect yourself as a human being, you should be able to handle all of these things (1-13) like an adult and, when you need help, admit you need help.  The thing I love most about marriage is feeling like half of a very special, exclusive team.

You do what you have to do.

For the next month and a half, I am working a lot of six day weeks.  By this I don't mean six full-time days, but that I have to show up for work six days a week, even if I get to leave early one day because I came in on Saturday.  None-the-less, it's still taxing.  I'm used to having Saturdays and/or Sundays where I can sleep in and laze around before running errands or cleaning or getting ready for a night out.  Now I have to get up six mornings a week and since we go to the hubby's parents' house every Sunday afternoon for laundry and dinner, I don't have a single day to myself.

But it's what we have to do.  I'm lucky to have my job, especially since it seems pretty secure.  I'm also lucky to have my second job, not just because it brings in income we so direly need, but because I enjoy it so much.  If you are going to have two jobs, it's incredible to like them both, especially the second one, which has the possibility of feeling like a chore.

The hubby's temp job ended Thursday and so I have been super worried about money and life plans.  My jobs alone can't cover all the bills and household expenses (we're talking just basic food and gas here, no extras) so it was imperative that he find something new.  Not long ago, he went into a fave pizza place to see if they needed any help - this would be his second job.  They recently called to ask him to pick up a few hours taking phone orders and now that they heard his job ended, they've offered him more hours and have promised him that as long as he needs the job, he has it.  It's not a lot, but it's something and it's enough to pull us through.  And now the hubby is even talking about going back to school so he can finish his bachelor's degree.  Being a school addict, this makes me incredibly happy, but it does so on a practical level, too.  The unemployment rate is higher for people without college degrees and it is indeed harder to find a job if you don't meet the basic "college degree required" part of a job listing.  (Yes, I believe that the degree doesn't necessarily mean much as far as job skills and knowledge are concerned - I've met enough people with college degrees who couldn't tell their ass from their elbow - but we live in a time where it's valued so it only helps to have one.)

It will be a lot - both of us working and taking classes, but sometimes I think a schedule like that is preferable.  Your free time becomes so much more precious and valued.  I like being busy and productive and would really like it if the hubby and I had similar levels of activity.  I can see it working out really well for us.  The unfortunate part is that we wouldn't have a lot of extended free time for friends and things like that, but we would just have to make sure we take the time to plan fun activities with everyone once in a while.

We've also been talking a lot lately about when to have a baby.  We have vague plans about this, but it's scary to think about getting pregnant and having a baby when finances are precarious.  Those little buggers aren't cheap, after all, but I'm going to be 35 next summer, which is the big "uh oh, danger danger" age for conception and pregnancy so, if possible, I'd like to get in one pregnancy before that.  We'll see if it happens, though.  We're not trying right now.

But, if nothing else, now we get really cheap pizza.  I can definitely live with that for a while.

Growing (up)

Call me a glutton for punishment, but I've decided to do another NaBloPoMo.  This month's theme is "Growing (Up)" and I think it could prove to be interesting so I've decided to jump on board.

Even though I'm 33, I sometimes feel barely older than 25.  I actually forget my age sometimes and have to pause and think when someone asks me how old I am.  The grandmother I get my middle name from actually did forget how old she was later in life and one year, on her birthday, asked my dad how old she was.  When he told her, she said, "What?  Why didn't anyone tell me I was that old?!"  That will totally be me should I be lucky enough to make it to my 80s.

One way that I have recently been feeling more like a grown-up, though, is physically.  I've had a few aches and pains lately that I would have been able to shrug off even just a year ago.  I pulled a muscle in my neck a week and a half ago and it's still a bit sore.  Two years ago, it would have been fine after a day or two, tops.  The other day, I had some lower back pain at the end of our trip to Baltimore; I have no idea why.  I'm also tired all time - seriously, nearly ALL the time.  And I LOOK older.  Seriously.  I was looking at Mike and Tracy's wedding album this weekend.  As I mentioned, I was in the wedding party, so I was in a bunch of pictures and I couldn't get over how young and refreshed I look in the photos (and they were married in December 2007).

I had to wonder - what's done this?  My skin looks worse now; my eyes are far more tired - even though the time around their wedding was crazy busy for me.  Did my last semester in grad school (right after their wedding) just tank my youth?  That semester was craziness - I planned my sister's baby shower, took my comprehensive exam, wrote my thesis, chaired a panel in CA, and went to Ireland.  Granted, I enjoyed all of that, but it was hard work and I was very busy (I was also teaching).  Did I suddenly just age?

Perhaps.  But I think there are other factors.  I didn't eat well when I was in grad school, but I think I actually ate better than I do currently.  I also got a lot more sleep.  I didn't get much more physical activity, but I also didn't sit behind a desk for eight hours a day.  I think these factors are the largest in my sudden facial aging and constant sleepiness.

So, as a... grown-up... I guess I have to do something about this.  The hubby and I are close to breaking even on the budget; that is to say by the end of the month we shouldn't ahave to juggle bills anymore and should be able to buy groceries outside of the "10 for $10" sale.  We've been eating a lot of pasta, which is not the norm for me, and not a lot of vegetables, which is bad.  Once our finances are a stable, I'm going into menu planning mode.  We will have a weekly menu that we will shop for on the weekend and so we'll be ready for meals during the week.  This way I can also plan out some salads and things and make sure I have veggies and healthy lunches, too.  I need to buy vitamins, too.  I was doing well with my 101 list item of taking a multi, iron, and calcium daily - until I ran out and couldn't afford more.

My skin has been revolting, too.  I need to get on track with proper nutrition and drinking water so my skin clears up AND looks refreshed.  I also think I need more sleep but I'm already getting in bed at 11pm.  Going to bed any earlier will cut into the time I spend relaxing after I get home and taking care of little things.  Two nights a week I get home at 8:30 and one night at 7:30.  I'm supposed to get home at 8:30, eat dinner, do a few things around the apartment, and then go straight to bed?  As it is, I can't even find time to read lately... but something needs to change.  I think if I start eating better and drinking more water, it'll help me to start feeling less tired.  I can work on the sleep and exercise issues.  One thing to tackle at a time.

I actually care about my own personal nutrition.  How grown up.

"What we think or what we know
or what we believe is, in the
end, of little consequence.
The only consequence is what we do."

- John Ruskin

I know, I KNOW, you're never ready for kids.

Someone in an online community I read posted a question recently about whether or not it's better to have kids sooner or later in a marriage - her thinking being that if you have them sooner, you won't have a chance to miss all the things you would have developed while not having kids, like Saturday naps or sleeping until noon on Sunday or spontaneous weekends away.  You know, all the fabulous things that child-free adults get to indulge in.

A lot of the respondents stated that they believed it should have something to do with the solidity of your marriage (note: this is a community for married people, so there's no presumed judgment on unmarried couples with children - it's just the situation of the community).  Lots of folks stated that they had children fairly soon after getting married because they had lived together prior and felt their relationship was really stable.  Several even referred to it as a well-oiled machine.

I think the hubby and I are still working on putting the machine together, nevermind getting around to maintaining it's well-oiled status.  But, as I am so constantly aware, I am 33 (and a half, but who's counting) and so there is a natural tick-tock going on.  If I were 23 or even 28, I wouldn't even care much about any of these.  But when I was 23 and 28, I wasn't even interested in being married and fairly certain I'd be just fine without ever having kids anyway.  I just wasn't in a place where I would have been building a marriage.

But now I am and I feel like a juggling act with too many plates in the air.  We're living together, just us, for the first time ever - for just under seven weeks now, even though we've been married for four months.  Two-thirds of our dating was done long distance and I was in grad school, a top time-taker.  Since graduation, we lived with my parents, I spent four months looking for a full-time job, he got laid off and hasn't found anything permanent... it just seems like we have every reason possible to not think about babies... except my age, and this make me feel terrible and inadequate.

Women stop being able to procreate at a certain age for evolutionary reasons.  You want to be healthy and produce healthy offspring; you need to have the energy to chase after your kids; you need to be around long enough to care for them into adulthood; and, ideally, you want to be around to see your grandchildren and enjoy that range of life's moments.  So, if by 33 you are newly married with a barely functioning marriage, a career that is sputtering, and a long list of goals that don't involve having children, is evolution telling you that you're not one of the chosen ones?  Have I done everything to take myself out of the race at this point?  Have my life choices dictated that I'm just not going to be a mom?

The hubby and I aren't ready to add someone new to our marriage; we're still putting the machine together.  We haven't even gotten around to working out the kinks yet because it's not really up and running. (Machinery metaphors are so useful.)  So now I find us in this balancing act:

One side: build a well-functioning, solid marriage; get hubby a FT job; get me a better job/higher pay; continue more grad school (me); finish undergrad (hubby); pay down debt; build a modest savings/emergency fund

Other side: have two kids before too old and my machinery no longer works.

I don't know what will happen and there really is no litmus test for marriage solidity - it's just something you have to know/feel.  I know we're not there yet.  I know a baby right now would do crazy things to our relationship.  It's not that I think we wouldn't make it through; I just think it would be terrible and that we have a responsibility to raise our children in the best environment we can possibly manage.

So, hopefully waiting another year or two before having our first isn't the worst thing we'll do.

How do you slog through the day?

Last night I thought I lost $5 and it threw me into a fifteen minute crying jag.  I started the day with a heartbreaking email from my brother about how much he's struggling with daily headaches and nausea (ongoing illness), spent all day trying to figure out how I was going to manage to pay my bills and put gas in my car, only to go home with my last $6 (seriously, the only cash I had available to me) so I could spend it at the laundromat, washing our comforter.  Realizing that we are so broke that something as simple as losing FIVE DOLLARS could derail my plans and cause us to have to sleep with a less-than-clean comforter was just too much for my psyche yesterday.  The tears flowed and I was powerless to stop them.  Thankfully I was able to get a little bit of money out of our joint account and use that.  Then, this morning, I found the $5.

I've never been the sort to try and be chipper.  I do have a "glass half full" tendency in that I can usually find something positive about anything going on, but I'm not all smiles and sunshine (in fact, the color yellow and bright, sunny days sometimes make me want to run and hide).  I was even Eeyore for Halloween once... in my mid-twenties (so this was after I escaped the perma-funk of my teens and early 20s).  But I feel like, even for me, there is just too much to handle and juggle right now.

It's not a lie to say I have relished unhappiness in the past.  I spent a lot of time being unhappy and so while it may seem counterintuitive, being unhappy is often a more comfortable state of mind for me.  However, I am now mature enough to recognize how unhealthy and unproductive it is.  I enjoy being happy and productive in ways that I didn't fifteen years ago.  I'm not one to force myself to be happy, but I will force myself to make sure I'm not being overly unhappy, if that makes sense.

But, again, it just feels like there's too much.  The doomsayers in the media have me (appropriately, I think) scared.  What has me scared even more are the responses to our nation's current issues - the stupid and inane concerns people continue to have.  These are big plate fears - almost too big to carry because it's nothing I can fix on my own.  I can't change the economy by myself, which is probably the scariest part.  I don't trust a lot of my fellow Americans to do their part.

Then there are the small plate concerns.  Everyone in my family is struggling with money.  I know several couples unable to make their mortgage payments.  I know more people than I can count off the top of my head who are unemployed or underemployed.  Someone I know drinks too much and I don't know what to do about that.  I worry what would happen if my dog got sick because there's no way we'd be able to afford any kind of medication or treatment right now.  Mostly I worry about my brother because he is dealing with a daily health issue that's been ongoing for a few years now and can't afford to see the doctor.  It's affecting his studies and his work.  Most days I really have to try and not think about it because it's too painful; I worry about him too much.

So how do I slog through?  I'm not even sure, but I find myself laughing, despite my worries about the people I know and my own financial situation as well as my fears about our country overall.  I found myself being silly at work yesterday, despite starting the day sad.  I found myself being silly at bedtime, even though I had been crying about my $5 a few hours earlier.  Today I started the day crying again, as I found out that a friend had to put their young dog to sleep... but now I find myself with a smile on my face.  I'm happy to go teach tonight; I'm happy the week is half over; I'm happy we have friends coming over for a game night on Friday; I'm happy to have a job and a home, even if holding on to both is tough these days; I'm happy that my brother is moving back to NJ in three months; I'm happy to have a husband I love more than I could have imagined.

I don't know if I'd ever describe myself as a happy person but my life sure does include a lot to be happy about and I think that is what helps me slog through the muck that brings us down.

Brain feeling full and squishy

Sometimes you have problems that are so overwhelming that you don't even want to think about them or don't know how to think about them.  Sometimes you have problems that are so distressing that you don't want to deal with them.  Sometimes you have problems that are such a blessing, but even still, you don't know what to do or where to start.

Like a lot of people these days, the hubby and I have money issues.  We're barely scraping by, meaning we barely even bought groceries the past two weeks - just milk for cereal and bread for sandwiches, etc - the staples.  We're not eating PB&J every day but we're not eating a lot of meat or vegetables, unfortunately, because the budget is that tight.  It should get better soon as we pay some bills and get a hold on our expenditures, but we have at least another month of this ahead of us.  This is something I think about every day.

Then yesterday I received amazing news: I was accepted to an outstanding graduate program to pursue my Master of Education (I already have a Master of Arts in English).  The problem?  I'm actually not sure I want to go; I'm not sure the program I applied to is the right fit for me.  In fact, I think another one would be a better fit and so I have written to the school to find out if I can join that program instead.  The nerve, right?  But the other (new) program feels so much better; I get tingly looking at the required courses and their descriptions.  For the program I was accepted to, I feel dread and a distinct lack of excitement.  I LOVE being a student so I know I have to go with my gut on this.  I hope I can apply for the other program and not delay my admission at all.

I also hope that I can handle going back to school AGAIN (if I do go).  But that's the next level of worrying - I have to finish this level first.

Edit 4:24pm: I can resubmit my materials for the other program and it seems my admission (if I AM admitted to this second program) would be still for this fall.  However, I have to write a new personal statement!  Gah!  As anyone who's ever applied to grad school (or even college) knows, that is the worst, most difficult part of the application process.  Those essays don't really mean too much for college applications, but for grad school applications, they really can make or break you.

Oh lordy.  My stomach is doing somersaults about this.  Last year I spent months on my personal statement and didn't get into a single PhD program.  This year I spent about 30 minutes on it and got accepted.  Perhaps I just do better when I think less (since I overthink everything).

Going to go right now and get crackin' on the new personal statement!

36. Participate in two community service activities a year (2009, 2010, 2011). (1/6)

My parents' church works at a local homeless shelter a couple of times a year; the shelter has a number of local churches come in and serve dinner there regularly.  The church is responsible for setting the menu and having church members make all the food and buy all the supplies (coffee, sugar, salt, pepper, plastic forks/spoons, cups, etc).  Whenever it's our church's turn, my family jumps at the chance.  Other church members are happy to make the food but don't necessarily have the time to go serve (or, sometimes, don't want to go serve; unfortunately, there are a few folks who "don't like" to be at the facility - fine by me, though, because I love going and smiling for people).

This time the menu was meatloaf, mashed potatoes, gravy, and green bean casserole (with apples and cookies for dessert). My sister's friend Krystal was on mashed potato duty (it was her first time participating); my sister was on green bean casserole duty and, as always, quite entertaining.  Whenever someone didn't want green beans, my sister would say, "Oh, come on, it's flu season!  You need your greens!"  She's too much.  My hubby was doling out the meatloaf and I was on gravy duty.

Every time we go, the experience is sadly similar and sadly different.  It's sadly similar in that we see some of the same people we've seen for years and years now.  It's sadly different this time that there were so many new faces and, in particular, people I would guess were not homeless but down enough on their luck that a free meal was something they needed.  There are times I see people my age and people with children, which is always the saddest.  There were no children there yesterday, though.  There was one woman, though, who was asking the supervisor if he had any information about a women's shelter in the area.  She was clean, well put together, and basically looked like she just left her home.  My family's best guess is that perhaps she left an abusive husband or similar bad living situation.  Whatever the situation, it couldn't have been good.

It doesn't take much for one's life to hit the skids.  The husband and I are really only one missing paycheck from not being able to afford any groceries what-so-ever right now.  This was my husband's first time participating in the activity and I think it was really good.  As my dad said on the way home, it always puts things in perspective.  You're not going to go home from this and complain about your download speed or an annoying phone call at work.  I'd like to think I'm always fairly aware of everything I have to be grateful for, but it never hurts to be reminded.  But more than that, I feel very, very lucky to have the life I have and I would like to do more to spread good fortune and good luck, especially in these hard times, but, really, any time.

I hope I'm able to not only do this event again soon, but other events, too.  I put this goal on my 101 list because I wanted to do other activities beyond this one.  It's one of those things that's so easy to put aside and say, "Oh, I don't have time for community service" but most of us do.  I need to do some web research and see what else is available in my area.

A golden sign of the times

I just got an email from my mother about how a friend of hers is doing "gold parties".  It's like a Pampered Chef party except instead of spending money, you bring your gold jewelry and sell it, going home with money.  While I understand that many of us overspent over the past decade (or several decades) and now need to part with many unnecessary belongings, there's a pang in my core over the flip-flop of the party purpose.  Instead of getting together to talk about the wonderful things we create in the kitchen and really how rewarding it is to have a bundt cake that doesn't fall apart when you flip it over, we're now getting together to share, "Oh, this piece?  Yeah, fifth anniversary.  No, I suppose I don't wear it much anyway.  The money will be good."

What made me the saddest was that my mom said she really liked the idea, but would more so if she hadn't just sold all her jewelry yesterday.  It's when parents make such seemingly throw-away side comments that you get a glimpse into what it is that they don't tell you every day, even when you've been living with them for nearly a year.

This email was quickly followed by one from Williams-Sonoma, reminding me that I really need their panini press.  For a mere $99.95 ($50 off the suggested price!), melty sandwich goodness with grill lines can be mine:

I wonder how many bracelets I'd have to sell for a sandwich.

I am the problem with the economy... but, ooh, new stuff.

So, it's mid-month bill paying time and so the hubby and I are scraping together the pennies to pay credit cards, student loans, and a part of our security deposit.  Money is always on my mind, even when I'm not the most responsible about it.

I.E. - I should not be allowed in Williams-Sonoma without an escort and a wallet lock.

I went there on my lunch hour to exchange the bundt cake carrier I got at my bridal shower (it had several cracks on the bottom). (Btw, am I the only one who still thinks of My Big Fat Greek Wedding every time she hears the word "bundt"??)

Anyway, since I recently unpacked all my kitchen stuff, I was fully aware that I had no baking/cookie sheets to speak of (the ones I had were wretched, cheap, and got thrown out).  Well, why wouldn't I want to invest in some ultra great WS ones?  They'll last a lifetime!  And while I was tempted to get both baking sheets AND cookie sheets, I was good and refrained from getting the cookie sheets.  I've been baking cookies on baking sheets since I started baking; I can keep on doing so until I have the money for cookie sheets.

Especially since I got this nifty spatula to help maneuver cookies off the baking sheets (I got the small one, but in red):

And an additional silpat (I only got one at my shower but always use two baking sheets at a time):

{yay, no stick!}

See?  Totally useful and practical.  I needed baking sheets - can't live without them - and saved myself a $50+ purchase by getting a new spatula instead of cookie sheets.  Brilliant!  And the silpat will help ensure that my baking sheets stay in optimum condition.

At my shower, I also got a super awesome full set of Calphalon pots and pans (I mean, seriously, pots and pans I don't even fully know what to do with yet!).  Well, these pots and pans are far better than any I've ever used or owned before, so I want to make sure I use them properly and take the best care of them so I read all the instructions that came with them.  Apparently, they are so awesome that you don't need to use non-stick spray in them.  In fact, using non-stick spray could actually harm them!  gasp But I have this serious fear of food sticking to cookware, especially meats, and the instructions said that if necessary, you can use a spritzer of cooking oil (veg, olive, etc).  Well, golly, then I need a spritzer!  So I picked that up (can't find a picture of it).

I also didn't own a sifter!  Now I do.  I also didn't have a 9 inch square pan.  Now I do:

Since we had/have a registry at WS, we get a discount for six months following the wedding on anything we buy off the list (and I think a discount off stuff we get off the list, too, but I'm not sure) - so, really, this was relatively smart shopping for things I need.  It went on a card that isn't being paid until over a month from now, so it's just something I have to budget into next month.  And, really, I do think of these as investment pieces.  These are things I don't foresee having to replace for a very, very long time.

Why do I need a 9 inch square pan?  Ah, such things I cannot yet share just in case my hubby finally decides to take a look at this blog.  With my luck, I'd write a whole entry on here about the dinner I'm planning for Friday night, only to have him decide this is the week he'll start reading my blog.  (Note: No, he hasn't ever read this even though I've mentioned it a bunch of times.  Yes, I find it odd that he doesn't care what his wife writes online; however, I also know it just means that he trusts me and doesn't expect that I'm writing anything that will embarrass either myself or him.)

Friday I get out of work early because I am working a long day today, so I am taking that opportunity to take my first crack at our new kitchen and make the hubby a yummy pre-Valentine dinner and dessert.  I canNOT wait to use all my new pots and pans and utensils.

Yesterday... all my troubles... something.

Yesterday was one of those weird days where one has great highs and great lows.  After work, my husband and I were going out to sign the lease and get the keys for our new apartment, but right before we left, I was sobbing in the kitchen over something else entirely.  So, yeah, one of those kind of days.

My family isn't always great with money.  The way I have this blog, I won't say anything here that I wouldn't say to someone if they were standing in front of me... so I can confirm that no one in my immediate family would deny that we're not great with money.  Not dumb, necessarily, just not great and not always lucky.  Right now, all parts of my immediate family are struggling a bit.  Our struggles are mild in comparison to what some other people are experiencing in this economy, but it's still been difficult.  My husband was laid off in September, right before our wedding, and has been temping since.  My mother hasn't had a permanent job in over a year, I believe, and has had some temp jobs here and there.  My parents are constantly struggling with their mortgage.  My sister and her husband bought their new house right before she got pregnant (unplanned) and so they're more strapped for cash than they intended to me.  We've all had significant car repairs recently.  I have a mountain of grad school debt that I was certain would be paid by the fabulous job my Master's degree would get me after graduation, having no idea I'd earn less now than I did before I even had my B.A..

My brother is in his last semester of law school and it's been a tough ride for him all along.  He has some health issues he's been battling and has been living the "poor grad student" life all along.  He takes excellent care of himself, but no doctor has been able to figure out completely what's wrong and they're costing hundreds of dollars a visit, so he can't always go.  The issue this month was that his student loans were late and so he couldn't pay his bills, including his car loan, and so they were threatening to take his car - even though this was his only missed payment (tough crowd).  So my husband and I lent him the money so he could wire it today, but his student loan money came in this morning so everything is okay anyway.

It's hard to explain why this in particular hit me so hard since money problems like this aren't new.  I think the biggest part of it is that I hate that my "little" brother is a thousand miles away.  I have hated it the entire time he's there.  My brother and I have the same habit of not asking for any help until the very last, dire minute, so it's been impossible to know exactly what's going on with him because he'll never say anything.  Without his car, he couldn't go to class or his clerkship, so his law school semester would be over, there would go graduation, his degree, everything.  Thankfully it's worked out, but it was tough.

On top of that, my dad fell on the ice Wednesday night and bruised his lower back.  Again, he won't say anything about it; my mom had to tell me.  He slipped on the front walkway and hit the small of his back on the bottom step of the front steps.  That can't be good so now I'm worried he didn't just bruise himself.  I'm trying to get my mom to take him for x-rays.  My dad is young for his age - no one ever believes how old he is - but he is still over 60, no matter if he looks like he's barely 50.  I hate that he still does all the shoveling and yard work.  I hope my parents can move into a place where they don't have those responsibilities anymore.

So from there the hubby and I went to sign our lease and get our apartment keys.  We picked up some things from the storage facility (might as well not go to the new place empty-handed!) and went to the apartment to measure the rooms for painting (if we paint all the rooms - I'm not sure; I had no idea paint was so expensive!  Why do they always say paint is the cheapest way to redecorate a room?  At $25/gallon?  Seriously?).  We're at least painting the bedroom - goodbye yellow.

I often have a problem feeling how I'm "supposed" to feel on a particular event.  It's why I was surprised by how purely happy I was on our wedding day.  Usually I just feel like, "Okay, it's a day" about things.  I know I should have felt something extra getting our apartment keys yesterday, but I didn't.  My mind was on my family and what would come next.  I know I'll feel the happiness when we lock the apartment door behind us on the first night we sleep there.  Then it's ours; then it's home.

We are moving!!

We decided to take the apartment and are going to get the keys later this week!  Crazy fast, right??  Because I know the building owner, it's all very casual.  He's letting us pay the security over several payments (he said we can take a few months but the hubby and I agreed we'll have it done by the end of March, if not sooner).  He's going to copy the keys today and we'll get them tomorrow or Friday.  He has to fix a light in the living room, but in the meantime, we can start moving stuff in.  I forgot to ask if we're allowed to paint, but I'll ask when we get the keys.  I'm assuming we will be able to, no problem.  The owner is really low-key (but super organized and neat, so it's not like the place isn't in tip-top shape) so I don't think painting will be a problem, especially since one of the rooms is already yellow (the rest are white).  We're planning on a light blue with grey undertones for the bedroom (that's the room that's currently yellow - and I simply cannot abide yellow).  Maybe we'll even paint the other rooms, I don't know.  Something to think about!

This is really fantastic because now we don't have to have one BIG moving day.  Instead, we can move some things every single day so it's not this huge, monumental, back-breaking task.  I have a love/hate relationship with moving.  I love to move and live in new places but I hate actually packing and carrying the boxes.  I don't mind unpacking as much because I'm like, "Oooh, I love this!  I forgot I had this!!" even if I just packed it two weeks earlier (I'm special like that).  I'm especially looking forward to unpacking all of the stuff from my bridal shower, which I opened at the shower and then promptly put into storage so I barely remember what's there.

Tom and I can now also finally get to returning a few of the bridal shower items.  We only got three sets of china (we registered for twelve) and two sets of glasses so we're going to return it all and put the credit toward our luggage.  China and expensive stemware weren't really a priority for us (how many fancy dinners are we going to host?) and we agree that the luggage is a better investment, especially since we're flying to Florida in May for my brother's law school graduation.  The funny thing was that I was thinking this for a while but didn't say anything because I was worried Tom would say, "But then what will the people who bought us the china and glasses think?"  But then the other day he brought this up himself and suggested we just return the china since we can't afford to buy the remaining nine sets!  It was a great moment.  We do that a lot, too, and I love feeling like we're just naturally in sync.  I think places like Target and Crate & Barrel have awesome plates and glasses and flatware; I'm so totally happy to have that kind of stuff rather than china.  Maybe one day we'll have so much money that we'll go out and buy it all for ourselves... or maybe we'll just never care about it.  I think I'd like to own china one day, but I really have no good reason for it other than I like what it represents, a certain lifestyle.  Of course, it's a lifestyle we probably will never have so, yeah - there goes my china.  I'm not meticulous enough for china and silver anyway.  Give me Target plates and Bed, Bath, and Beyond flatware any day.  (They really do make such nice stuff!)

The new apartment has a dishwasher, which is great because I hate washing dishes.  It, the stove, and the fridge are all only three years old.  There is no laundry facility, which is the main down point about the location, but we'll survive.  We can do laundry at the laundromat and/or my parents' house (which, of course, is cheaper).  It seems like there may be an available connection in the basement, though, so maybe it's a possibility for the future.

There are two bedrooms, which is nice.  We're going to use the second bedroom as an office.  Eventually, I want to get a new bed so then maybe our current bed would go in there as a guest room (I also have a sofa-bed, which will be a bitch to move because it is super heavy).  The unspoken idea is that maybe one day it'll be a baby's room (and by "unspoken" I mean I have kept this thought entirely to myself)... but that opens a zillion scary thoughts like, "Us?  Have a baby?" and "In that apartment?" and "Sometime soon?  Like within the next ten years?"  The bedrooms are small, so there isn't a lot of room for a lot of furniture, but that's okay.  It'll help stop us from thinking we should buy any.

I didn't think we'd be moving this soon; I just didn't think it was feasible.  It's a little scary to move when the hubby only has a temp job, but he's had good luck at getting continual assignments (and the current one is particularly promising) so we just have to hope it keeps going - and do everything we can to make sure it does.  No turning back now: full responsibility, here we come.

Suffering a lack of motivation

I cannot bring myself to do much work today.  As I have stated many times before, I am very grateful to have a job (one that I believe is quite secure) and I really should do all I can to make sure I am the best employee I can be.  Usually I am a very good employee; once someone hires me, I often do quite well and receive many commendations and promotions.  Today is just one of those days where I don't feel like that person, though.  Today is a day where I am just waiting until 5pm comes so I can get in my car and go home.  It doesn't help that tonight my husband and I are going to look at an apartment.  I'm so excited about that and really can't concentrate on much else.

The apartment is in the next town over from where we are now, so that's good.  It's the first floor of a two floor house, has two bedrooms AND has a fenced-in backyard, which is great so we have room for guests and our computers plus a yard for Oreo.  The landlord is a family friend of my sister's and I've known him for years.  He's a great guy and would be an excellent landlord to have.  We would have the first floor; the second floor is occupied by my sister's husband's former sister-in-law (got that?) and her two daughters, all of whom I know and like.  It would be a really ideal situation.  I'm just nervous about being able to afford the first month and security all up front since we had to use over half the money we had saved for that for bills in the past two months.  But I'm hopeful and really excited to see the place tonight.  I love looking at apartments and houses, even if I'm not interested.  I always find it interesting... but this one I have a huge stake in.  Keep your fingers crossed for us!

I just want an apartment... I don't need a "commode on legs".

From The Daily Beast today comes a list of 16 things John Thain, the outgoing head of Merrill Lynch, bought to redecorate his office, etc:

1) $2,700 for six wall sconces.
2) $5,000 for a mirror in his private dining room.
3) $11,000 for fabric for a "Roman Shade.”
4) $13,000 for a chandelier in the private dining room.
5) $15,000 for a sofa.
6) $16,000 for a "custom coffee table.”
7) $18,000 for a “George IV Desk.”
8) $25,000 for a "mahogany pedestal table.”
9) $28,000 for four pairs of curtains.
10) $35,000 for something called a "commode on legs.”
11) $37,000 for six chairs in his private dining room.
12) $68,000 for a "19th Century Credenza" in his office.
13) $87,000 for a pair of guest chairs.
14) $87,000 for an area rug in Thain's conference room and another area rug for $44,000.
15) $230,000 to his driver for one year’s work.
16) $800,000 to hire celebrity designer Michael Smith, who is currently redesigning the White House for the Obama family for just $100,000.

As I'm reading that, the other three tabs in my Firefox window are: this, my email, and Craigslist apartments in North Jersey.  The email is to stay in touch, this is to stay sane, the Craiglist window is to dream.  The hubby and I literally cannot afford an apartment right now.  One of these days we have to sit down and do a budget, crunch numbers, look at our bills (see 101 in 1001 list item #29: Develop a bill paying strategy with my husband), and see how far we are, exactly, from being able to afford an apartment (i.e. rent, utilities, cable/internet, groceries/toiletries, and gas - just the basics, ma'am).  I don't know how far we are, but I suspect we're far.  I have very little leftover money each month but of course I pay for the storage unit currently holding 90% of my belongings (oh, belongings, how I miss you so).  What I pay towards that can move towards rent, which is helpful... but nowhere near enough.

But, seriously - $87,000 for a pair of guest chairs?  They don't have an IKEA near him?  $15,000 for a sofa?  I have two great sofas (in storage, sniffle) that I got at Bob's Furniture for not probably 10% of that.  (I honestly forget what I paid.)  I have an armchair that I loooooove that I bought for just a couple hundred dollars on clearance.  (I probably don't need to tell you where it is now; you get the point - I miss my stuff.)  $230,000 to a driver?  Hell, I'll be a driver for half that!

This guy is a crook.  I can't believe he was allowed to do this and then allowed to "resign" today.  They should have fired his ass and then literally set fire to it.  (Well, okay, maybe not so much with the setting on fire part.)  But he is a crook and needs to be held accountable.  You're an ass and an idiot if the President of the United States gets that much of a better deal than you do.  You know who his customers are?  Us, the American people.  Some of us were also your customers; you're lucky you don't have to answer to the public with an election in several years.  I hope you do have to answer to a court of law, though.  You most certainly should have to answer to your conscience, but that clearly seems to be failing you.

For now, I'll go back to gazing at this listing for a 1br for $1280 that includes utilities and cable/Internet.  It doesn't have a custom coffee table, but I have a good IKEA one in storage.

My own era of fiscal responsibility: 25. Consolidate all possible consumer debt.

PRESIDENT (!!!) Obama today spoke a lot about personal responsibility, something I have been thinking about for a while now.  It's only fitting that today was my first payment to my new debt consolidation plan.  I've worked with this vendor before (had a debt payment plan in the early 2000's) and really like them.  I hate that I've gotten myself back in a place where I need to do this again, though.  This is it, though.  I am paying off and CLOSING my credit cards.  I will keep one Amex and one Visa, that's it.  Never again will I jeopardize my life with consumer debt.