5 Day Pouch Test - completed!

I can't believe that I made it and don't feel remarkably deprived.  On top of that, I'm actually content.  It's not like I'm thinking, "Well, I'm going to go back to Combos and nachos on Saturday."  I don't want to, which feels almost miraculous.

Days 4 and 5 went fine.  The only off-plan food that appeared regularly was cheese, but I limited myself to just one piece (slice or string cheese).  Oh, and I licked mashed potatoes off the mixing spoon on Day 4.  I'm not one of those people who's all, "Oh my god I ate one thing off my plan and now everything is going to go to hell because this is a sign that I have no self control, blargh bleh schmeh blech."  I just wanted the taste, had it, and was done with it.  Will I have mashed potatoes again in my life?  But of course.  Regularly?  No. What I've gained most is some understanding about what I can and cannot have around.  Carbs are my weakness.  I'm not a fan of the "cutting carbs is the best way to lose weight zomg!" way of thinking.  I need to cut carbs the way someone else needs to cut sweets or someone else needs to cut soda.  Whether crunchy like nacho chips or soft and mushy like potatoes, rice, and bread, I love my carbs, love love love.  But they don't love me.  I end up hungry quickly and then just head for more.  I know this. 

The key now is to live my life accordingly. I feel in control, but I know this control will ebb and flow throughout life.  However, I feel like I've stemmed the lack of self-control flood that's been going on for the past 3 1/2 years.  I really want to stick with this and get back to the healthy lifestyle I had in 2005 . . . and I think I'm on track. Today I had so much energy after work that I cleaned and rearranged our second bedroom (pseudo-office, future baby's room maybe) - a project I've been wanting to do for a couple of months now.  Welcome back energy!!  I can't wait to welcome back my old clothes, but that'll take a while.  I'll accept feeling better for now because it feels great.

A fork, a fork, my diet for a fork.

One of the things I remember from early post-op life was that I missed eating with a fork.  For a couple weeks, I just drank liquids or used a spoon to eat soft boiled eggs or Jello.  Oddly, I don't remember what the first thing I ate with a fork was (maybe scrambled eggs?); it was clearly more important to me that I was actually using a fork.  It was one of those steps towards feeling normal again and not like some freak who just had her stomach stapled.

Today is Day 3 of the 5 Day Pouch Test and I'm almost scared to admit that it's going better than I expected it to.  It feels cheesy, but I really do feel more in control and am honestly surprised by how NOT hungry I am, especially today.  Yesterday was just like Monday - I was limited to liquids and soup and the only things I ate that were slightly off-plan was a yogurt in the morning and some cheese in the evening (I put shredded cheese on the soup I had for dinner). 

What's interesting to me about this is that, clearly, cheese is a concern and something I will have to be vigilant about.  I already knew I loved cheese, but to feel like I can't go without it indicates something a bit bigger (and not just my tush).  I am happy to report that the cheese intake was minimal; just enough to quiet the cheese monster. I ate so little today compared to what I would have ordinarily eaten in a normal day, yet I don't feel physically or mentally hungry. 

I had a slight altercation of sorts with a coworker today (verbally and via email) and my first thought was, "That's it, I need a snack!" but before the thought was even fully out of my head, I had reigned it in and thought, "That's ridiculous.  I'm not hungry and I can't let that asshole force me into eating when I'm not hungry."

For breakfast today I had two hard-boiled eggs mixed up with some salsa.  Then after half an hour I had a coffee/protein shake.  Then I waited another half an hour before drinking my water, treating the morning protein shake as if it were a piece of food, letting it rest in my stomach and keep me full.  For lunch I had a Parmesan tuna patty and another hard-boiled egg. Tonight might prove to be challenging, however.  The hubby, some friends, and I are going to a "Taste of the Town" event where we'll walk up and down the main street in town and sample "bite-sized portions" of the restaurants' best dishes.  For $5 you get five tastings and there's also a wine sampling.

I am going to allow myself $5 of sampling and am going to try to stick to samples that at least somewhat fit into my plan for today.  That means no sampling of bread or pasta and trying to find soft proteins instead.  Even though vegetables aren't on the plan this week, they'll also do since they're better than bread and pasta.  It's going to be difficult, but not impossible.  I feel really in control so now it's time to see how in control I can be when faced with a barrage of food.  Oh, and I'm going to allow myself to sample wine.  Not sample wine?  I'm on a diet, not crazy.

It Sucked and then I Cried

16. Read 30 books and blog about them. (10/30)

It Sucked and then I Cried: How I Had a Baby, a Breakdown, and a Much Needed Margarita
by Heather Armstrong

Heather is the incredibly amusing writer of the blog Dooce. Much like Rebecca Woolf's book, Rockabye, Heather's book reads a lot like her blog. Not being an original Dooce reader, I was not along for the ride when Heather was pregnant with her first daughter and went through significant post-partum depression. I assumed the book would give a coherent picture of that experience, but I have to admit that I was disappointed. At times, she will write something like, "And I was no longer throwing one gallon milk jugs at my husband's head" but I didn't recall being told she was doing that in the first place. I feel like the depression was a glossed over in the description of the time it was occurring and I also feel that her hospital stay lacked description. I don't know if this was a conscious choice because these were details she didn't want to include, a writing error, or she doesn't actually remember all of it. I do wish I knew because otherwise, then, I feel a bit disappointed and cheated.

That isn't to say the book isn't an enjoyable read; it most certainly is. However, where I would read Rockabye again, I don't think I would read It Sucked and then I Cried again. That said, I do think it should be required reading for pregnant women. I am very grateful that we have women like Heather out there, talking about these difficult events in women's (and the men/partners' who love them) lives.

7 Quick Tuesday Takes

1. I'm still really upset by the flippant and hate-filled responses to Jon & Kate.  Maybe it's naive, but I think you can sign up to be on a television show and not expect this sort of media treatment.  Who's following the Duggars around? Anyone?  Which paparazzi are camped outside The Little Couple's home?  Hmm?  Only some people get subjected to this level of scrutiny and, frankly, harassment.  They did not ask for this or bring it upon themselves.  Why don't we have paparazzi laws?  Why is it fair for adult men with cameras to stalk five-year-olds?  Disgusting.

2. Day two of the 5 Day Pouch Test is going well so far.  My only off-plan eating yesterday was a cup of yogurt and a 1 oz. piece of cheese.  So, okay, no off-plan eating would be optimal but I'm still proud of myself.  Hunger is not an emergency.

3. I think your child is adorable, but I don't need to see 85 photos from any family event.  Can you choose maybe 5 of them if you're sending them via email?  Or post an album on Facebook so I can skim through them.

4. I got a FB messages from my ex-work husband yesterday.  It wasn't quite perfunctory, but mainly a research assistance request with a few personal questions thrown in.  I miss my grad school friends.  I miss being around people who read literature and watch the (non-Fox) news and have the skills that go along with a liberal arts education.  I'm looking forward to my new grad classes this fall.  My previous grad classmates set a pretty high bar, though - I hope my new ones are up to snuff.

5. Email is an affliction.  Do any of us really need THAT much email?  I wish the cc option was never invented.  Little by little, I'm unsubscribing from a bunch of mailing lists.  I'd rather just get real emails from people I care to hear from.

6. Yesterday's diary of a food addict post got as many hits alone as I usually get in a day.  This makes me wonder about the interest in food addiction (which I believe is under-represented and misrepresented in the media).

7. My husband's answer to all irritants is "Can I build a flamethrower?"  Today I finally agreed, but only so I can be charred to a crisp, like a snack.  I would be a Combo - crunchy on the outside and soft cheese on the inside (because, really, with all the cheese I eat, I am probably just cheese inside).  What's better than carbs outside and cheese inside?  (Combos, raviolis, manicotti, wontons, quesadillas - I could just go on and on.)  Man, I am a carb addict.

What's your favorite carb outside/cheese inside food?

Nanananana... bread.

My nephew (age 15 months) says "nana" for banana... of course, he also calls one of his grandmothers "Nana"... so is he calling her bananas (i.e. crazy)?  I guess only time will tell.

I love bananas; I could eat one every day.  However, the hubby doesn't eat them so when I buy a bunch, I always end up with one or two bananas going brown.  This, however, isn't terrible because then I can make - dun dun da dun! - banana bread! 

So last night I set out to make (who else's?) Smitten Kitchen's Jacked-Up Banana Bread.  Except mine turned out to be more like low-jack banana bread - but still yummy. So I got all my stuff ready (note: those are not something gross - they're just REALLY brown bananas):

This was the first time I was going to use my mini-loaf pan so I was super excited about that.  (Those of you who know me IRL can expect a mini-loaf of something yummers for the holidays.  I have two of these so I can get EIGHT mini-loaves going at a time - rock on.)  And, yes, that is the cheap vanilla I'm using.  I'm trying to use it up in recipes where the vanilla isn't the star so its quality isn't of utmost importance (I bought it in a crunch one day for emergency vanilla use). So I got to mashing and mixing and just loved how the scoops of brown sugar kept a sand-castle-like appearance as I added them to the mix:

I also love that the recipe insists that you use a wooden spoon.  I don't know enough about the science of baking to know why you should use a wooden spoon for this, but it makes it feel extra special that it's required (although I would have used one anyway just because I love them and they mix really well).

However, here is where the banana bread went from jacked-up to low-jack.  I was opting out of the bourbon (I'm not a fan of alcohol in baked goods most of the time - I just don't enjoy the taste) and then also realized that I did not have nutmeg OR clove on hand!  What?  Ugh!  What happened to all of my baking supplies??  I could have sworn I had both spices on hand.  I swear, I am usually ready for any baking situation.  So, alas, my banana bread was going to be single spice instead of triple spice.  I figured it would still be good, though, so I soldiered on.

Aren't they cute?  So teeny!  I forced myself to let them cool before I sliced into one.  The hubby hates both bananas AND cinnamon (*gasp* - I know, right?) so these are aaaaaall mine.  Yum yum.  Except that my sister-in-law's eyes lit up when I mentioned this the other day, so I'm giving one mini-loaf to her.  The other one will be fully devoured by the end of today and I really don't need to be eating two whole mini-loaves myself in the span of two days (which is exactly what would happen).

I really love to bake - and I'm really beginning to love cooking now, too - I just wish I had more occasion to do so.  Money is always an issue, but I'm contemplating making a significant change in my diet in order to eat less meat.  I don't think I could ever be a vegan because the idea of giving up cheese makes me want to just quit life, but I have a lot of issues with the contemporary diet, its affect on human health, and how the industrial farming complex in this country works, so it's something I'm pondering.  I would love to get the hubby on board, but that won't happen so this is going to take a lot of resolve, something I've never exactly been full of when it comes to food.  More thoughts on this to come, I'm sure. But for now, back to nibbling on the banana bread.

Yum, yum, give me some (more!)

From the 101 in 1001 list: 5. Learn five new healthy dinner recipes. (1/5)

Wednesday night's "Are we really going to try and have a baby?" conversation occurred over one of the yummiest homemade dinners I have had in quite a while.  One of my coworkers recently subscribed to Cooking Light and lets me peruse her issues once they come in (the cost of buying magazines really adds up).  Well, the most recent article included that yummy strawberry cake that I made into cupcakes as well as a recipe for Chicken Scaloppine with Sugar Snap Peas, Asparagus, and Lemon Salad. 

The recipe is super simple and you'll only need to buy a few things for it: chicken, sugar snap peas, asparagus, and one lemon.  You probably have everything else around (chicken broth, butter, olive oil, white wine, salt, pepper). I left the recipe and the chicken broth it calls for on the counter and gave the hubby instructions to get the dinner started while I finished up at work and then stopped at the liquor store on the way home to pick up the wine  (it needs white and I only had red and blush at home). 

I was a bit nervous about the dinner since it's a lot of vegetables and no carb/starch side.  The hubby does enjoy some healthy foods but also has a weakness for some really disastrously bad-for-you foods. However, everything about this dinner was perfect.  The chicken was utterly delicious, as were the vegetables.  I am happy that both the hubby and I enjoy steamed asparagus because now it can join our regular vegetable repertoire and will go on the list of foods we will most definitely be feeding our kids because they will watch us enjoy it.  We both gobbled up this whole dinner (although we did make a smaller portion since it was just the two of us).

Even if you do not enjoy asparagus, I would strongly recommend trying this recipe.  The lemon and olive oil dressing on the chilled steamed vegetables is scrumptious, I promise.  I definitely plan on having this dinner at least several more times throughout the summer.

5 Ways to Love My Body by the End of Summer

Yes, most people strive to make their bodies summer-ready.  That is not my style.  One of the best parts of losing weight previously was feeling like I blended in when I started my M.A. program.  Now that I'm starting my new Ed.M. program this fall, I want to recapture that (and so much more). 

So here is my summer plan:

1. Be fresh (in my food choices, that is).
I always laugh when my sister tells her son that he's "being fresh" because it's such an old-fashioned phrase and notion to me.  But when it comes to diet, we really could use some more old-fashioned notions.  I have not been eating as I should be based on my previous surgery, dietary restrictions, and overall health and environmental concerns.  Specifically, I am going to: cut back on carbs, increase fruits and vegetables, and avoid packaged and processed food.  I had more energy, felt better, and my skin looked better when I lived this way before.

2. Drink more water.
I'm pretty good at drinking calorie-free beverages (iced tea mixes with Splenda, etc) but I think I need to decrease my caffeine intake and also continue to limit the number of chemicals going in my body.  If I'm going to drink tea, I should make it from actual tea bags. I had a plastic reusable bottle that I used regularly for the past year, but now I lost it.  However, that's a great excuse to buy a new reusable container and stop worrying about the plastic leeching into my water.  I have read that the creation of reusable aluminum bottles isn't any better for the environment (alas), but at least I won't be thinking about the chemicals leeching into the water.

3. Get on board with Jillian's 30 Day Shred.
I can't afford to join a gym and usually hate working out at home because the idea of the hubby seeing me do this just makes me want to shrivel up under the carpet (I embarrass easily).  The hubby and I are keeping the tightest of lids on the budget, but this retails for about $10 and so it has been deemed a reasonable purchase by joint decree. When I work out, I need a trainer who's a bit mean, but only because s/he cares and is passionate about his/her work... and that's Jillian.  I can't wait to go pick this up and get started on it.  Now that the hubby works a lot of nights, I can do this when I get home from work and shower before he even knows I looked like a gross mess a few hours earlier.

4. Detox to get back in touch.
No, I'm not going to be drinking some nasty lemon and maple syrup concoction.  This is not the diet version of a get-rich-quick scheme (one friend calls these "Crap Yourself Thin" diets). I will be going on the 5 Day Pouch Test.  As a gastric bypass patient, I have my stomach pouch as a dietary tool that I can either use or abuse.  As of late, I have not been kind to my poor little pouch and this pouch test will help me get back in touch with how it feels to be full and to treat my pouch gently.  It will have the added benefit of acting like a cleanse, starting to clear my system of the processed foods I've been eating. Ideally, I'd do this first but, unfortunately, life circumstances deem that I can't (too many family events in the next two weeks).  So, I will start this at the end of May and will repeat as necessary throughout June - August if I feel it's been helpful.  This will also have the added benefit of completing item #6 on my 101 in 1001 list.  If a friend of mine who also had WLS (weight loss surgery) is still willing to do this, I may even have a partner for it (which is always helpful).

5. Be present. (I.e. Treat my body like the gift that it is.)
One of the very best things about feeling healthy was feeling in tune with my body, like I was truly living in it for the first time in my life.  I knew its capabilities and limits, and how to push and extend those limits - and I did so, regularly.  I was also happy - not because I weighed under 200 lbs for the first time since I was 15, but because I felt good and because I was proud of what I accomplished and how I lived. The hubby and I bought the Wii Fit back in January but have yet to set it up and try it out!  I plan to set it up (err, well, have the hubby set it up) and then start using it regularly.  I have yet to do any yoga this year and I had hoped to do some at least once per month, so I'm quite behind - and I could use the relaxation and focus. So those are the five ways I'm going to be sure I love my body by the end of the summer.  In short, I'm going to be good to my body, treat it with respect, nourish it as it desires, and not let it languish. What do you do in order to love your body?