Leave it and love yourself

Pouch test bonus: I lost 4.4lbs last week, yay! This puts me 1/3 of the way toward my first short term goal: to lose the approximately 15 lbs I've put on since autumn.  Nine pounds to go and then I'll set a new short term goal.  I totally believe it's helpful and great to celebrate small milestones along the way.

So what now?  Well, I'm continuing with a modified version of the plan.  I think I'm going to keep eating mainly light soups on Mondays and Tuesdays as a way to get me on track for the week.  For today I've made Hungry Girl's V10 soup (like V8 but way more veggies and lighter).  I'm already feeling a bit of snack anxiety (as in I don't have something to snack on, some crunchy little things to nibble throughout the day) but I know that that's one of my major problems and something I'm going to constantly battle, and if some super veggie soup is what's going to get me through today, then that's it.  I did put a 100 calorie pack of almonds in my bag, though, in case I'm not full enough from the soup and get lightheaded and can't concentrate at work.

The (my) relationship with food is so complicated that I just purely hate it (the relationship) sometimes.  There's an interesting article in The Daily Beast today about Disinhibited-Eating Disorder, which they describe as:

As a group, disinhibited eaters are people who are unusually tied into the world around them and, when it comes to food, are more vulnerable to the everyday temptations of the high-fat, high-calorie goodies that surround us than those lucky folks to whom a full table is just a full table . . . For these people, more than other folks, learning how to deal with our toxic food environment makes a world of difference. And by this, I mean learning how to comfortably control it rather than engage in futile battles of willpower with it. If you’re someone who tends to eat just because there is food for the taking, even if you’re not the least bit hungry, read on.

Seriously?  This is SO normal for me that I had to read it several times because I was looking for the part that stood out as the problem.  Obviously I know what the problem is, but what I mean is that it's like reading the definition for schizophrenia and going, "Oh, hearing voices - yeah, that's a big sign of bad things going on."  I read this and went, "Oh.  Right.  Um, that's just daily life." Their solution: surround yourself with a personal microenvironment that decreases opportunities for disinhibition and creates a hunger-free, more-satisfied metabolism. This is exactly what I'm trying to do.  Of course, we all have to live in the real world and work to control ourselves when out in the buffet that is that real world, but a huge part of my life is home and work - two places I do have some (although not total) control over. They go on to suggest six rules for helping keep control (I highly suggest reading the article).

As I mentioned before, my good friend My Right To Dream recently underwent gastric sleeve surgery, a type of weight loss surgery (a bit different from the gastric bypass I had) and she's having a hard time with the first week of recovery, which is significantly physically painful sometimes.  As she talks about it, I remember those times - but when asked before, I couldn't recall much of it because the mental workings of breaking up and reuniting with food was so much bigger for me.  Going into the surgery, I had no idea that I had eating issues.  I feel dumb about that now, but I just really didn't know. I don't need to be a size 10 (though a 12 would be nice).  I don't need compliments on how I look or what a good job I'm doing losing weight (from people who just see any diet as a good thing because they've been conditioned - I do appreciate the comments from the people who know how hard and what a complicated process it is).  I don't want to turn heads.  I'm not a fan of attention, really.  I just want to be happy with me.

Last night I watched the first four episodes of My So-Called Life with Delightfully Sweet.  The show was my first "Things I Miss Friday" item and I can barely describe just how influential it was and still is on me.  For me, that show is magical and I would give anything to have that same team create a new show today.  The closing voice-over of the fourth episode (which I also quoted in that first Things I Miss Friday) speaks to me today just as much as it did when I was 19:

Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison. And the crime is how much we hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in a while. And admit the truth: that when you really look closely? People are so strange and so complicated that they're actually... beautiful. Possibly even me.

5 Day Pouch Test - completed!

I can't believe that I made it and don't feel remarkably deprived.  On top of that, I'm actually content.  It's not like I'm thinking, "Well, I'm going to go back to Combos and nachos on Saturday."  I don't want to, which feels almost miraculous.

Days 4 and 5 went fine.  The only off-plan food that appeared regularly was cheese, but I limited myself to just one piece (slice or string cheese).  Oh, and I licked mashed potatoes off the mixing spoon on Day 4.  I'm not one of those people who's all, "Oh my god I ate one thing off my plan and now everything is going to go to hell because this is a sign that I have no self control, blargh bleh schmeh blech."  I just wanted the taste, had it, and was done with it.  Will I have mashed potatoes again in my life?  But of course.  Regularly?  No. What I've gained most is some understanding about what I can and cannot have around.  Carbs are my weakness.  I'm not a fan of the "cutting carbs is the best way to lose weight zomg!" way of thinking.  I need to cut carbs the way someone else needs to cut sweets or someone else needs to cut soda.  Whether crunchy like nacho chips or soft and mushy like potatoes, rice, and bread, I love my carbs, love love love.  But they don't love me.  I end up hungry quickly and then just head for more.  I know this. 

The key now is to live my life accordingly. I feel in control, but I know this control will ebb and flow throughout life.  However, I feel like I've stemmed the lack of self-control flood that's been going on for the past 3 1/2 years.  I really want to stick with this and get back to the healthy lifestyle I had in 2005 . . . and I think I'm on track. Today I had so much energy after work that I cleaned and rearranged our second bedroom (pseudo-office, future baby's room maybe) - a project I've been wanting to do for a couple of months now.  Welcome back energy!!  I can't wait to welcome back my old clothes, but that'll take a while.  I'll accept feeling better for now because it feels great.

Day 3 of the pouch test runs a bit off the rails

Yesterday was Day 3 of the 5 Day Pouch Test and so I was supposed to be restricted to soft proteins (eggs, fish, etc).  I did well all day, knowing that there would be an exception made that evening when I went to a "taste of the town" event.  I was going to try and stick to the plan, but not beat myself up if I didn't.

So here's how it went: for $5, we each purchased 5 samples of foods.  You got a card that they punched each time you visited a restaurant (punched as in punched a hole through - wouldn't dieting be so much easier if someone punched you every time you went to a restaurant?).  The wine tasting was an additional $10 so I opted against it.  I can bring a bottle home for less.

Restaurant 1: General Tso's chicken (spicy!!!) ... with rice, gah - and white, to boot.  This was very tasty and very spicy for me (I don't have a high spice tolerance).  I tried not to eat too much of the rice, but I did eat some.  I didn't finish the whole sample, though.

Restaurant 2: Didn't know what the choices were until I got up to the table after waiting in one of the longer lines around.  Long line = assumed it'd be good.  The choices were: pasta, rice balls, potato croquettes.  Eep!  Of course the line was long; we're a nation of white carb freaks.  I went with the rice balls, only eating one of the two they gave me (it was the size of a golfball).  Oh, and it was taaaastteeeee.

Restaurant 3: Vegan chili.  YUM YUM.  Definitely going to have more of that.

Restaurant 4: Half of a chicken empanada.  Okay, so the fried outside dough part wasn't on-plan, but it was really, really delicious.  I haven't been to that restaurant before but definitely plan to go back.

Restaurant 5: Vegan pancakes (same place I got the vegan chili).  And again - YUM YUM.  I would have never guessed they were vegan; they tasted just like their regular pancakes.  I ate three silver dollar sized ones with some sugar-free syrup.  Okay, totally off-plan but, hey, they were vegan. 

So, okay, I'm eating milk and eggs every day this week, so that doesn't count for much but it made me feel better at the time.  I don't think they were too bad. I went home, totally full and not in need of an official dinner.  I did get hungry around 10pm, though, which has been happening every night and is frustrating, especially when my husband also gets hungry around that time and opts to eat a large bowl of Spaghettios.  The funny thing was, though, that I didn't want his Spaghettios.  I wanted something (probably chips and salsa) but not the Spaghettios.  I'm missing my crunchy carbs more than anything, I think.  If he had been eating a panini, all might have been lost.

Today I can eat firm protein, like ground meat and seafood.  However, I'm allergic to shellfish and don't like ground meat lately, so I'm going to stay on the Day 3 plan and stick with soft protein.  Tonight for dinner, I believe we'll have some fish.  Tomorrow I can have firm proteins: chicken, pork, steak, etc., so I think some pork chops are on the menu for tomorrow.

So, yeah, today is Day 4 and all is going well so far.  I thought when I got to this part I'd be like, "THANK GOD tomorrow is Day 5!  I can't wait to be done with this crazy crapola!"  But I don't feel that way at all.  This feels like something I could continue to do, which I think might just be how it's supposed to feel.

A fork, a fork, my diet for a fork.

One of the things I remember from early post-op life was that I missed eating with a fork.  For a couple weeks, I just drank liquids or used a spoon to eat soft boiled eggs or Jello.  Oddly, I don't remember what the first thing I ate with a fork was (maybe scrambled eggs?); it was clearly more important to me that I was actually using a fork.  It was one of those steps towards feeling normal again and not like some freak who just had her stomach stapled.

Today is Day 3 of the 5 Day Pouch Test and I'm almost scared to admit that it's going better than I expected it to.  It feels cheesy, but I really do feel more in control and am honestly surprised by how NOT hungry I am, especially today.  Yesterday was just like Monday - I was limited to liquids and soup and the only things I ate that were slightly off-plan was a yogurt in the morning and some cheese in the evening (I put shredded cheese on the soup I had for dinner). 

What's interesting to me about this is that, clearly, cheese is a concern and something I will have to be vigilant about.  I already knew I loved cheese, but to feel like I can't go without it indicates something a bit bigger (and not just my tush).  I am happy to report that the cheese intake was minimal; just enough to quiet the cheese monster. I ate so little today compared to what I would have ordinarily eaten in a normal day, yet I don't feel physically or mentally hungry. 

I had a slight altercation of sorts with a coworker today (verbally and via email) and my first thought was, "That's it, I need a snack!" but before the thought was even fully out of my head, I had reigned it in and thought, "That's ridiculous.  I'm not hungry and I can't let that asshole force me into eating when I'm not hungry."

For breakfast today I had two hard-boiled eggs mixed up with some salsa.  Then after half an hour I had a coffee/protein shake.  Then I waited another half an hour before drinking my water, treating the morning protein shake as if it were a piece of food, letting it rest in my stomach and keep me full.  For lunch I had a Parmesan tuna patty and another hard-boiled egg. Tonight might prove to be challenging, however.  The hubby, some friends, and I are going to a "Taste of the Town" event where we'll walk up and down the main street in town and sample "bite-sized portions" of the restaurants' best dishes.  For $5 you get five tastings and there's also a wine sampling.

I am going to allow myself $5 of sampling and am going to try to stick to samples that at least somewhat fit into my plan for today.  That means no sampling of bread or pasta and trying to find soft proteins instead.  Even though vegetables aren't on the plan this week, they'll also do since they're better than bread and pasta.  It's going to be difficult, but not impossible.  I feel really in control so now it's time to see how in control I can be when faced with a barrage of food.  Oh, and I'm going to allow myself to sample wine.  Not sample wine?  I'm on a diet, not crazy.

7 Quick Tuesday Takes

1. I'm still really upset by the flippant and hate-filled responses to Jon & Kate.  Maybe it's naive, but I think you can sign up to be on a television show and not expect this sort of media treatment.  Who's following the Duggars around? Anyone?  Which paparazzi are camped outside The Little Couple's home?  Hmm?  Only some people get subjected to this level of scrutiny and, frankly, harassment.  They did not ask for this or bring it upon themselves.  Why don't we have paparazzi laws?  Why is it fair for adult men with cameras to stalk five-year-olds?  Disgusting.

2. Day two of the 5 Day Pouch Test is going well so far.  My only off-plan eating yesterday was a cup of yogurt and a 1 oz. piece of cheese.  So, okay, no off-plan eating would be optimal but I'm still proud of myself.  Hunger is not an emergency.

3. I think your child is adorable, but I don't need to see 85 photos from any family event.  Can you choose maybe 5 of them if you're sending them via email?  Or post an album on Facebook so I can skim through them.

4. I got a FB messages from my ex-work husband yesterday.  It wasn't quite perfunctory, but mainly a research assistance request with a few personal questions thrown in.  I miss my grad school friends.  I miss being around people who read literature and watch the (non-Fox) news and have the skills that go along with a liberal arts education.  I'm looking forward to my new grad classes this fall.  My previous grad classmates set a pretty high bar, though - I hope my new ones are up to snuff.

5. Email is an affliction.  Do any of us really need THAT much email?  I wish the cc option was never invented.  Little by little, I'm unsubscribing from a bunch of mailing lists.  I'd rather just get real emails from people I care to hear from.

6. Yesterday's diary of a food addict post got as many hits alone as I usually get in a day.  This makes me wonder about the interest in food addiction (which I believe is under-represented and misrepresented in the media).

7. My husband's answer to all irritants is "Can I build a flamethrower?"  Today I finally agreed, but only so I can be charred to a crisp, like a snack.  I would be a Combo - crunchy on the outside and soft cheese on the inside (because, really, with all the cheese I eat, I am probably just cheese inside).  What's better than carbs outside and cheese inside?  (Combos, raviolis, manicotti, wontons, quesadillas - I could just go on and on.)  Man, I am a carb addict.

What's your favorite carb outside/cheese inside food?

The (afternoon) diary of a food addict

1:19pm  I can do this.  Food should not cause panic.  Soup does not require crackers.  Summon memory of smashing crackers in a restaurant as a toddler as a way to keep busy while the parents tried to enjoy a meal.  (Bad crackers!  *fist pound*  Bad crackers!)

1:42pm  I'm not sure how I'm supposed to complete a thought if I keep having to get up and go to the bathroom - and I'm only halfway through my water consumption for the day.  I hope I can sleep tonight without getting up 5x to pee.

1:45pm  Ow, what is that headache?  Caffeine withdrawal?  Hunger?  Pee pain?

1:48pm  Now that I peed, I feel hungry again... and I think the soup spice is burning in my ears.

1:59pm  I hate Audrina Patridge.

2:04pm  No, I hate all celebrities who say dumb things and reinforce bad body images and poor eating habits - like Fergie, who said, "I don't have a perfect figure, but I'm working with what I've got."  I think her body is pretty damn perfect, nevermind the fact that there is no such thing as a perfect figure.  Shame on her for all the girls and women who will look at her and then feel bad about themselves because Fergie is gorgeous but makes herself sound disfigured and ugly.

2:19pm  Pee.

2:20pm  Just remembered that I have to work until 6pm today instead of my usual 5pm.  Should have gone out for an hour at lunchtime.  I work right across the street from the mall; I could have gone there!  No, the mall has food.  Where am I supposed to go - everywhere has food?  There is no place for me.

2:27pm  Wow, just realized I'm not hungry!  Wow!  Awesome!

2:28pm  Realizing this has made me hungry.  Grrr brain.

2:40pm  I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Just half of one.

3:00pm  Looking at my bracelet, I just realized this past March was my five year surgiversary.  I didn't even remember and definitely didn't have anything about it to celebrate.  That's bad - the five year marker is the biggee.  If you're good at five years, you're likely to be good for life.  Okay, so not yet for me.  Let's be happy on the six year surgiversary.

3:15pm  Pee.

3:16pm  I wish my brain would stop flashing pictures of cheese.

3:34pm  The iPod is playing "Everybody Hurts."  I want to make a sarcastic comment about the pain involved in a cheese and carb-free day, but the song is actually affecting me.  What I told Amy yesterday is so true: it's just not fair that some of us have to work this hard.  But we do it.

3:35pm  I need to start wearing waterproof mascara.

3:55pm  I'm almost out of water.  Oh crap.

3:57pm  Pee.

4:12pm  Suddenly FUCKING STARVING.  Stomach grumbling, mouth salivating, hungry.

4:14pm  Mm, soup.  I want to filter out all the barley and lentils and just eat them by themselves and pretend they're baked ziti.

4:28pm  I want a soft pretzel.  This might be the first time I'm glad there are no Wawa's around.

4:47pm  Doing okay.  Hunger and cravings are not an emergency.  Can wait for the next meal.  Feeling strangely powerful.

4:56pm  I feel like my brain has been turned on.  Good eating takes time, planning, and patience.  Duh.  I knew that!  Now I know it again.

Purpose - it's the fire under your ass.

Purpose. It's that little flame that lights a fire under your ass. Ha! Purpose. It keeps you going strong like a car with a full tank of gas. Everyone else has a purpose, so what's mine?

(Any Avenue Q fans out there?  Luuurve that show.) My dear friend Amy over at My Right To Dream is having gastric sleeve surgery today, which is a form of weight loss surgery (wls).  As I've mentioned before, I had gastric bypass surgery and, a year and a half later, corrective plastic surgery to remove loose skin (abdominoplasty) and complete a breast reduction/lift (most wls patients bemoan the loss of their boobs - nope, not me - I still had DDs, even after losing over a hundred pounds, lucky me). As can be expected with any major surgery, especially a life-changing one that someone is undergoing by choice, Amy is incredibly nervous and a bit scared.  WLS involves such a roller coaster of emotions - joy at being approved, depression and guilt and sadness and anger about needing the surgery in the first place, fear of failure, fear of success (because it changes everything in your life), and so much more.

I was at my lowest weight in September 2005, following my plastic surgery.  In the nearly four years since then, I have gained about 18 pounds per year, which I shouldn't have to point out is NOT GOOD.  Really not good.  Not good for anyone, but especially not good if you've had WLS.  This means you are defeating the surgery and "the tool" (i.e. the stomach pouch).  I got a scope done early last year to see if I had stretched out my pouch and it turned out that my pouch was perfect BUT that my stoma (the opening between my pouch and my intestines) had stretched and so food moved really quickly from my pouch into my intestines, leaving me hungry more quickly than it should.  In a fully working pouch, the food sits in there for a long time so you feel full for a while.  Immediately post-op, the stoma is the size of a pencil eraser.  I don't know how big mine is now, but it's definitely not small and apparently I would be eligible for stoma revision surgery, but that would involve doctors and bills and insurance approvals, blah blah blah.  I can't afford a dime of it right now if it's not covered 100%, so I haven't followed up on it. 

Instead, I'm going to work on this on my own. Amy's surgery today has lit a fire under my ass.  I was supposed to be a good example.  I was supposed to be a success story.  I was not supposed to become a raging snack addict.  I was not supposed to regain OVER SEVENTY POUNDS.  I'm not supposed to feel sad that my husband met me at my thinnest and most athletic and now has to live with a wife who continually gains weight, which makes her unhappy.  He continues to support me at any size and does not/would not care if I stayed my current size for life, but my unhappiness upsets and concerns him.

I spent over an hour on the phone with Amy yesterday, trying to calm her fears and reassure her that this will be wonderful.  One of the main points I wanted to make was that everything she'll go through is valid; all of her feelings and emotions and reactions are valid.  If she's mad that her husband can eat half a pizza and not care, that's fair.  It's not fair that some of us have to work better at maintaining a healthy lifestyle than others and it's fair to say that.  All's fair in food and weight.  I was told that it was "stupid" to miss food or pigging out and that people with food addictions had the real problems and that anyone who cried over missing food was laughable - so I cried in secret and became ashamed.  I know this is a part of my current food issues.

After my plastic surgery, my mother bought me a bracelet to commemorate the occasion (my apologies for the cheesy camera phone pic):

The idea was that the engraved dates are my birthday and my rebirthdays.  My WLS and plastics dates were my rebirth.  It was almost like a do-over.  I got to be me again (or, really, for the first time) - the me that I thought I could be but felt I couldn't be because of my weight. I haven't been able to wear the bracelet for a long time because I was ashamed of no longer meeting the criteria that the bracelet represented.  When I took it out today, it was tarnished because I haven't worn it or even touched it for so long.  So I buffed and polished it and put it on my wrist.  There are spots of tarnish I couldn't buff out, but that's okay.  I have spots of tarnish I will never buff out. 

This bracelet represents my goal.  I need to get back to the me of those rebirthdays.  I will continue to wear the bracelet as a reminder of what I am trying to achieve for myself. So today I have started the 5 Day Pouch Test.  So far today I had a coffee protein shake for breakfast (minus the cocoa because I didn't have any at home), a yogurt (which is off-plan but I didn't want it to go to waste), and am about to dig into some lentil and barley soup for lunch.. which I will also have as a snack... and as dinner... and repeat tomorrow.  So far I'm feeling okay, though.  No snacking anxiety yet (although that always tends to come later in the day) and really not any hunger pangs, surprisingly.  They suggest you cut caffeine, but can have one cup if cutting it completely will throw you into withdrawal, so I put one cup of coffee in my shake this morning.  There was no way I was going without coffee.  But other than that, I have just been sip-sip-sipping my water and I'm even going back to the "no drinking 30 minutes before or after meals" post-op rule.  If one of my problems is an open stoma that lets food slide through easily, then I need to make sure I don't make my meals into a slurry that leaves me hungry soon thereafter.  Not drinking while I eat is really difficult for me, and will be since I made my soup really spicy (I didn't have all of the spices the recipe called for so I just winged it and I think I over chili peppered it).  I'm also trying to eat more mindfully - slowly, thinking about what I'm eating.  My whole life, I've read while I ate and now I often watch TV and/or read online while I eat, so I'm not paying attention to how much I eat or how it tastes or, probably, when I'm full.  I've been living in fear of food and I can't do it any longer. So my purpose is to help Amy succeed and to drag myself back on the road to success.  My failures can be some of her keys to success.  I can take all that I've learned and help my dear friend avoid the same mistakes.  My failure will not be for nothing.  I can help her and I can help myself not do it all again.

I don't know how I know, but I'm gonna find my purpose. I don't know where I'm gonna look, but I'm gonna find my purpose.

I swore I wouldn't change...

But I've got some necessary revision to do.  Hell, I'm a writing teacher - revision is my life.

1. Lose 45 pounds (3/45) is now....  1. Lose 60 pounds (0/60).

I have not been in control of my eating and have made no attempt what-so-ever to get any sort of exercise or do any kind of physical activity, so more pounds are creeping on.  I got on the scale this morning and was absolutely horrified by what I saw, even though I just weighed myself two or three days ago.  I am out of control - meaning, I have relinquished control of my food intake and body's well-being... and I must do something about this.

There are a lot of reasons why I want to lose weight.  I can't fathom getting pregnant and putting on another 30 lbs and then having to lose ALL of that.  I want to be able to shop for semi-normal pregnancy clothes.  I want to currently fit into my old clothes.  I want to stop feeling tired.  I want to feel attractive and cute and sexy again.  I want to be proud of the shape that I'm in.  I want to be proud of the control I have over this lifelong habit and addiction.

Once again, I find Rebecca Woolf to be inspirational.  She is regularly 5'8" and a size 8 (damn lucky).  By the end of her first pregnancy, she was over 200 lbs.  She got up at 6am and went hiking every day to help work off the pregnancy weight (which was in the 190s by the time she got home from the hospital).  All that in the L.A. sun and heat.  Why can't I get off my ass and do something - anything! - when I don't have a newborn to take care of?

So this is it, intarwebs.  I'm making a change.  A revision.  I hate apologizing to myself every day.  I hate looking in my drawers and feeling depressed about the clothes I have and how they fit.  I hate how my back fat has grown back when, for a little while, I had a sloped back that I loved to look at. Without my snacks, I'm going to be mean.  Angry.  Sad.  Pissed.  Cranky.  But so is a junkie going through detox, which is really how I feel about this.  I have a habit that is detrimental to my health and plays with my brain chemistry and thought system.  No one but me can get it under control.

In my next life...

Serena and Blair... err... I mean Blake and Leighton...

I will be able to wear short shorts without my thighs hanging out like extra groceries or suffering the hobble-inducing effects of chub rub.

I will have the hair of a goddess (or the team of people it takes to create it).

I will be able to wear heels without wanting to cut my feet off at the ankles to stop the pain.

I will have boobs that stand at attention without the help of surgery.

I will not cover up my hotness with a long sleeved blazer in summer (or maybe ever).

I will have sultry eyes and a knowing smile.

But mostly, I will have those legs.  God, what I wouldn't give...  I'd wear hotpants to the supermarket.

Disclaimer: Yes, I know better than this.  I know to be happy with what I have.  I know that what I have is not inherently wrong just because the media says the picture above is the only correct way to look.  I am very well aware of that, but it doesn't stop me from wishing for all those things just like I wish for more money, a new puppy, and a diet Slurpee.

5 Ways to Love My Body by the End of Summer

Yes, most people strive to make their bodies summer-ready.  That is not my style.  One of the best parts of losing weight previously was feeling like I blended in when I started my M.A. program.  Now that I'm starting my new Ed.M. program this fall, I want to recapture that (and so much more). 

So here is my summer plan:

1. Be fresh (in my food choices, that is).
I always laugh when my sister tells her son that he's "being fresh" because it's such an old-fashioned phrase and notion to me.  But when it comes to diet, we really could use some more old-fashioned notions.  I have not been eating as I should be based on my previous surgery, dietary restrictions, and overall health and environmental concerns.  Specifically, I am going to: cut back on carbs, increase fruits and vegetables, and avoid packaged and processed food.  I had more energy, felt better, and my skin looked better when I lived this way before.

2. Drink more water.
I'm pretty good at drinking calorie-free beverages (iced tea mixes with Splenda, etc) but I think I need to decrease my caffeine intake and also continue to limit the number of chemicals going in my body.  If I'm going to drink tea, I should make it from actual tea bags. I had a plastic reusable bottle that I used regularly for the past year, but now I lost it.  However, that's a great excuse to buy a new reusable container and stop worrying about the plastic leeching into my water.  I have read that the creation of reusable aluminum bottles isn't any better for the environment (alas), but at least I won't be thinking about the chemicals leeching into the water.

3. Get on board with Jillian's 30 Day Shred.
I can't afford to join a gym and usually hate working out at home because the idea of the hubby seeing me do this just makes me want to shrivel up under the carpet (I embarrass easily).  The hubby and I are keeping the tightest of lids on the budget, but this retails for about $10 and so it has been deemed a reasonable purchase by joint decree. When I work out, I need a trainer who's a bit mean, but only because s/he cares and is passionate about his/her work... and that's Jillian.  I can't wait to go pick this up and get started on it.  Now that the hubby works a lot of nights, I can do this when I get home from work and shower before he even knows I looked like a gross mess a few hours earlier.

4. Detox to get back in touch.
No, I'm not going to be drinking some nasty lemon and maple syrup concoction.  This is not the diet version of a get-rich-quick scheme (one friend calls these "Crap Yourself Thin" diets). I will be going on the 5 Day Pouch Test.  As a gastric bypass patient, I have my stomach pouch as a dietary tool that I can either use or abuse.  As of late, I have not been kind to my poor little pouch and this pouch test will help me get back in touch with how it feels to be full and to treat my pouch gently.  It will have the added benefit of acting like a cleanse, starting to clear my system of the processed foods I've been eating. Ideally, I'd do this first but, unfortunately, life circumstances deem that I can't (too many family events in the next two weeks).  So, I will start this at the end of May and will repeat as necessary throughout June - August if I feel it's been helpful.  This will also have the added benefit of completing item #6 on my 101 in 1001 list.  If a friend of mine who also had WLS (weight loss surgery) is still willing to do this, I may even have a partner for it (which is always helpful).

5. Be present. (I.e. Treat my body like the gift that it is.)
One of the very best things about feeling healthy was feeling in tune with my body, like I was truly living in it for the first time in my life.  I knew its capabilities and limits, and how to push and extend those limits - and I did so, regularly.  I was also happy - not because I weighed under 200 lbs for the first time since I was 15, but because I felt good and because I was proud of what I accomplished and how I lived. The hubby and I bought the Wii Fit back in January but have yet to set it up and try it out!  I plan to set it up (err, well, have the hubby set it up) and then start using it regularly.  I have yet to do any yoga this year and I had hoped to do some at least once per month, so I'm quite behind - and I could use the relaxation and focus. So those are the five ways I'm going to be sure I love my body by the end of the summer.  In short, I'm going to be good to my body, treat it with respect, nourish it as it desires, and not let it languish. What do you do in order to love your body?

Can we stop making Anne Hathaway say she's fat?

This past weekend I watched Rachel Getting Married, the movie that Anne Hathaway was nominated for an Oscar for.  The hubby was working and I was enjoying a rare night at home alone with nothing to do so I borrowed this from the school library (free!) and settled in for the evening. 

(Side note: I'm so used to having a hundred things to do that I actually couldn't sit and watch the movie straight through.  I got up, cleaned the bathtub, baked cookies, cleaned the kitchen, and a few other small things, all while going back and watching a few moments of the movie, then pausing it to do something else.  I really need to learn how to just SIT and do one thing at a time, but that's not the main point today.)

In the film, Hathaway's character is fresh out of rehab and makes a point of saying several times how she's fat because rehab makes you fat.  Considering she's probably a size 6 (4?), this was annoying and aggravating.  Similarly, in The Devil Wears Prada, she is made fun of for being the "fat, ugly" girl because she's a size 6 (not 0/2) and doesn't wear designer labels daily.  Yes, this is a commentary on that particular realm and how a size 6 is nightmarishly fat for fashionistas like that, but it's still disconcerting and aggravating. 

Later in the film, she beams with pride as she informs Stanley Tucci's character that she's now a size 4.  In Bride Wars, Kate Hudson (!!) is the fat (!!) one.  *sigh* For the filming of The Devil Wears Prada, Hathaway said, "I was thin for my height. I basically stuck with fruit, vegetables and fish. I wouldn’t recommend that. Emily Blunt and I would clutch at each other and cry because we were so hungry."  That's pathetic - utterly sad and pathetic.  But she's also said, "I've had directors say to me, 'You're the best actress for the role, but you've put on weight recently.' If people can't understand you've put on five pounds, I don't want to deal with them." 

I hope she expands this idea to no longer taking rolls that force her to say she's fat, even if the film is trying to make a point (because I don't think either Rachel or Prada accurately make the point that she's NOT fat). Can we please recognize that actresses who are thinner than one of my thighs are NOT fat?  Can we please write films for them that don't ask them to state that they are?  Can we please write films that don't explain fat as a state that comes about from eating too much chocolate or going off of drugs?  Can it not be an automatic personal failure?

By the way, as I type this and have Hathaway's IMDB page open, there is a Slim Fast ad running down it's side proclaiming that you, too, can kick your cupcake habit if you join the Slim Fast plan.  Oh, yes, of course - why didn't I think of that?  A small shake in a can would be SO much more fulfilling than a hearty salad or bowl of soup or light sandwich for lunch.  That must be why I'm fat.  Or maybe it's the drugs I quit taking or all the chocolate I eat. I don't mind commentary about what is/is not fat in films.  In fact, I welcome it.  However, what I object to is clearly thin actresses having to play the fat role because they're a size 6 instead of a 2.  I know we're not used to looking at normal sized women on screen, but how about we use a size 10 as the normal woman, even though size 14 is the norm?  Or wait, I know - how about we properly represent the full range of sizes and shapes women come in?  If I lined up all the women I see regularly, you would see a full range of heights, weights, and fitness.  You'd see thin and out of shape and you'd see plus-sized and in shape.  You'd see tall, short, thin, heavy, average, pudgy, slouchy, insecure, bold, casual, dressy, stylish, and style-challenged women.  And I hate when people say things like this and then close with, "But they're all beautiful" - but guess what?  They are.  They are beautiful on the inside AND the outside.  They are all loved and treasured by the people who know them.  They do wonderful things for people.  They work hard at their jobs.  They raise precious, loving children.  They are fierce competitors.  They're nerds and geeks, shopaholics and spendthrifts, great cooks and kitchen disasters.  What they are not are women who need to be continually told that a size 6 is fat.  They ARE beautiful, so there.

Fat is a Feminist Issue and Bodies

16. Read 30 books I haven’t read before (in addition to the above) and blog about them. (3 & 4)

#3 - Fat Is a Feminist Issue by Susie Orbach

I decided to read this book because I wanted to read Orbach's new book, Bodies (#4 below).  Orbach is a renowned feminist author and scholar, although I have to admit I was not specifically familiar with her work.  However, after reading this book, I realized that I was so familiar with it that it was actually all a given in my life.  This book was initially published in 1978 and hailed as revolutionary at the time.  As I'm reading it, all I could think was, "Really?  This is new?"  It's hard for me to think that during my own lifetime, some/all of what was written in this book was true.  There's a lot about how women are raised to be subservient and quiet and not plan to work.  I read that and thought, "Ha!  Like who?"  But as I read on, I realized that I am fortunate enough to be raised in the evolution and aftermath of this scholarship.  I was not raised to be subservient to a man - quite the opposite, actually.  I was raised to expect not just to work, but to have a career. The book talks about how being fat is a symptom of how women are treated in American/British society, and for certain this is true, but a lot has changed since this book was written.  At times, it was hard to get through because it is just that dated.  However, I was reading it as a foundation for the new book, so it worked perfectly for that purpose.

#4 - Bodies by Susie Orbach

This book talks about how the idea of the body has changed and continues to change in contemporary society.  It talks about how biology is no longer destiny, how people believe cosmetic surgery can fix any aspect of their lives, and how the urge to "fix" one's body is really a symptom of so much more.  This was a really interesting read for me since I have taken drastic steps to change my body - and I have failed to maintain the change, even though I thought I knew what I was signing on for.  This book really led me to think a lot about how I think about my body, why I want to change it - specifically why do I want to lose weight.  It also made me think a lot about the bridal industry (although it's not really specifically mentioned, but who doesn't know a dozen women who all lost or tried to lose weight for wedding) and about how people I know treat their bodies and the food they intake.

It's hard for me not to be judgmental about the way people fuel and feed themselves (and their families, if they have them).  But perhaps a lot of that judgmental energy is because I feel I am unable to fuel and feed myself the way I know I would like to.  But I still feel that there are a good number of people I know who would strongly benefit from some of the knowledge and ideas in this book (and in Michael Pollan's In Defense of Food, another favorite of mine that I read before starting the 101 project).

In the end, I can only be responsible for myself and, at best, lead by example.  I know that I feel better - happier - when I am in control of my diet; and by "in control" I don't mean the sort of control that is restrictive and harmful.  I often feel out of control in regards to food, like it is this feature in my life that has a shadowy power over me.  When I am confident that I am eating a healthy diet - one that is balanced and helps me build and maintain a strong body and energy - I feel better overall.  This is my food goal.  I was there once, briefly.  I can get there again.

Growing (up)

Call me a glutton for punishment, but I've decided to do another NaBloPoMo.  This month's theme is "Growing (Up)" and I think it could prove to be interesting so I've decided to jump on board.

Even though I'm 33, I sometimes feel barely older than 25.  I actually forget my age sometimes and have to pause and think when someone asks me how old I am.  The grandmother I get my middle name from actually did forget how old she was later in life and one year, on her birthday, asked my dad how old she was.  When he told her, she said, "What?  Why didn't anyone tell me I was that old?!"  That will totally be me should I be lucky enough to make it to my 80s.

One way that I have recently been feeling more like a grown-up, though, is physically.  I've had a few aches and pains lately that I would have been able to shrug off even just a year ago.  I pulled a muscle in my neck a week and a half ago and it's still a bit sore.  Two years ago, it would have been fine after a day or two, tops.  The other day, I had some lower back pain at the end of our trip to Baltimore; I have no idea why.  I'm also tired all time - seriously, nearly ALL the time.  And I LOOK older.  Seriously.  I was looking at Mike and Tracy's wedding album this weekend.  As I mentioned, I was in the wedding party, so I was in a bunch of pictures and I couldn't get over how young and refreshed I look in the photos (and they were married in December 2007).

I had to wonder - what's done this?  My skin looks worse now; my eyes are far more tired - even though the time around their wedding was crazy busy for me.  Did my last semester in grad school (right after their wedding) just tank my youth?  That semester was craziness - I planned my sister's baby shower, took my comprehensive exam, wrote my thesis, chaired a panel in CA, and went to Ireland.  Granted, I enjoyed all of that, but it was hard work and I was very busy (I was also teaching).  Did I suddenly just age?

Perhaps.  But I think there are other factors.  I didn't eat well when I was in grad school, but I think I actually ate better than I do currently.  I also got a lot more sleep.  I didn't get much more physical activity, but I also didn't sit behind a desk for eight hours a day.  I think these factors are the largest in my sudden facial aging and constant sleepiness.

So, as a... grown-up... I guess I have to do something about this.  The hubby and I are close to breaking even on the budget; that is to say by the end of the month we shouldn't ahave to juggle bills anymore and should be able to buy groceries outside of the "10 for $10" sale.  We've been eating a lot of pasta, which is not the norm for me, and not a lot of vegetables, which is bad.  Once our finances are a stable, I'm going into menu planning mode.  We will have a weekly menu that we will shop for on the weekend and so we'll be ready for meals during the week.  This way I can also plan out some salads and things and make sure I have veggies and healthy lunches, too.  I need to buy vitamins, too.  I was doing well with my 101 list item of taking a multi, iron, and calcium daily - until I ran out and couldn't afford more.

My skin has been revolting, too.  I need to get on track with proper nutrition and drinking water so my skin clears up AND looks refreshed.  I also think I need more sleep but I'm already getting in bed at 11pm.  Going to bed any earlier will cut into the time I spend relaxing after I get home and taking care of little things.  Two nights a week I get home at 8:30 and one night at 7:30.  I'm supposed to get home at 8:30, eat dinner, do a few things around the apartment, and then go straight to bed?  As it is, I can't even find time to read lately... but something needs to change.  I think if I start eating better and drinking more water, it'll help me to start feeling less tired.  I can work on the sleep and exercise issues.  One thing to tackle at a time.

I actually care about my own personal nutrition.  How grown up.

"What we think or what we know
or what we believe is, in the
end, of little consequence.
The only consequence is what we do."

- John Ruskin

Being blonde is not the same as being fat

So there's this recent dust-up between Meghan McCain, Ann Coulter, and Laura Ingraham.  Meghan doesn't like Ann so Laura came to Ann's defense and called Meghan "plus sized" (among other things) which is as PC as you can get right now for calling someone fat, still a viable insult in the U.S.  Meghan McCain, by the way, is a size eight and admits that she went up to a size ten during the campaign.  Most women I know would be remarkably happy to be a size eight and I'm glad that Meghan McCain has said she is fine with how she looks.

Ingraham continued:

The left's indignation in this instance is manufactured and totally phony. If any off-the-cuff remark about a woman's size was condemnable, then where was the outrage when President Obama made a passing reference to Jessica Simpson's "weight battle" during his Super Bowl interview with Matt Lauer? And of course they look the other way when obvious personal attacks are levied against conservatives. Remember when Al Franken was the toast of all media for his book "Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot"? Last month The View's Joy Behar called him a "fat guy"; and when I was a guest on The View a few years back she ridiculed Ann Coulter and me as "peroxide" blondes on Fox.

1. When Obama made that remark, he was commenting on the gossip magazines making a big issue out of how Simpson's high-waisted jeans looked on her, NOT on her alleged weight gain itself.  It's called metacommentary, sweetie; you might want to know that.

2. Rush Limbaugh IS FAT.  He IS.  Whether or not he's an idiot, each of you can believe what you wish, but you can't deny he's fat.  You also can't deny that it's entirely different for a woman to be fat in this country than it is for a man to be fat.  Did you see any women of Limbaugh's size speaking at CPAC recently?  No.  Is it a coincidence that both Coulter and Ingraham are very thin, blonde women?  I don't think so.  The double standard is alive and well (I won't even get into the comments and coverage of Hilary Clinton; it's too early to boil my blood).

3. Calling you a peroxide blonde is barely an insult.  If anything, I'm insulted that Behar couldn't come up with something cleverer.  Women dye their hair blonde because being blonde is still considered enviable and desirable.  At what point in recent history has being fat been considered enviable and desirable in our society?  Oh, that's right, IT HASN'T.  Being fat is still considered one of the worst things a woman could be.  In nearly any women's magazine survey I've read since I was ten years old, at least 60% of readers would rather [fill in the blank with terrible event like losing life savings or a limb] than gain TEN POUNDS.  That's right, TEN POUNDS is usually the standard bearer for horror.  Ten pounds?  I gain that when I PMS, please.

I am, by far, no expert on the fat acceptance movement.  In fact, I struggle with the idea a great deal.  I can't shake the feeling that my life would be significantly better and I would feel significantly better if I could lose 40-50 pounds.  The thing is, the reason I feel this way is because my life DID feel better and I DID feel better when I was that weight.  So maybe the truth of it is that you really do have to do what feels right for you, within reason.  Maybe someone else would be overjoyed to be my current size.  That's great and I would have absolutely no judgement for them.  I know for a fact that many women would be horrified to be the size that I wish I could be - that, even if they gained the weight while pregnant, they would feel like horrible failures of womanhood because they weighed so much, even though it was all in the service of creating and sustaining life.  Okay, for them I have a little bit of judgment.

But I don't want to concern myself with judging others and their weight battles or issues or concerns.  I don't want to, but I do - it's an endless source of fascination and thought for me, which is probably what happens when you are obese most of your life.

I know what it's like to be the grossly overweight person who gets stared at, pointed at, and called names by strangers.  I know what it's like to be the "acceptably" overweight (but still obese) person who is basically invisible to strangers.  I also know what it's like to be the newly "thin" (i.e. acceptable weight) person who suddenly has doors held open for her and strangers smiling at her and saying hello.  The funny thing is that none of these scenarios is comfortable.  Negative attention, lack of attention, or positive attention that has a painfully clear cause - it's all uncomfortable.  What have we done to women in our society so that they can't just rest in their bodies, no matter what size they are?

1. Lose 45 pounds. (3/45)

insert Count voice

ONE POUND!  AH AH AH AH!

So, yeah, one pound lost this week - and it was probably water weight since last week I was PMSing and now my period's over.  So, yeah.  I need to get crackin' on this.