The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao

16. Read 30 books I haven’t read before (in addition to the above) and blog about them. (8/30)

The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao
by Junot Diaz

This is an interesting read - and I say read instead of book because that's exactly what I mean.  Reading this book is an interesting experience.  I know that it's very popular in college English courses right now - especially in New Jersey since a significant portion of the book takes place in Paterson and New Brunswick (at Rutgers) - so as I read it, I was reading it not just as a reader, but also trying to see it through the eyes of an English professor as well as a college student, trying to figure out how I'd teach this book, why I'd teach it, and how students might react to it.

Well, this was not entirely easy.  The book is a little difficult to get into and moves in and out of Spanish (which I don't know).  For an experienced reader, these are not problems.  There are plenty of books that are well worth reading that are difficult to get into at first.  And, as an experienced reader, one learns to just skim over the unrecognized words (whether in his/her native language or a foreign one) as the overall meaning of the passage should make this clear.  I see non-Spanish speaking students having difficulty with this and, as a teacher, I would definitely look up all of the Spanish so I had it notated.  It's undoubtedly important to be able to analyze what's in Spanish so we can figure why it is (there has to be a pattern as to what's in Spanish and what's not - just a hunch I have).

The narrator's identity is not confirmed until the end of the book; however, I had a hunch as to who it was (and was right).  Knowing who the narrator is and why he can tell the story tells a lot about how the story is told and arranged.  It's definitely a book that warrants a second reading because I know there is a lot that I missed the first time through. The dueling characteristics of the weight and support of family form the spine of the story.  It would be easy for students to relate to or understand this troubled, broken family, and there's a useful lesson on the troubles of colonization that could also be covered throughout the reading. 

The structure of the book is complex, moving between characters and locations, but it feels seamless - like the kind of writing any one of us could do if we just took a little time to do it.  It's truly marvelous in that respect. This is definitely a book that's going to sit with me for a few days.  You know, when you read something and it lingers in your mind like a hazy character in the shadows.  That's this book.  If I get to choose novels for my own syllabus in the near future, I will definitely give this one a space.

What was downtown is now uptown... namely me.

Yesterday I went to Teachers College (Columbia University) for some admitted students activities.  It ended up being a mixed day.  As someone who has already completed a graduate degree, the ins and outs of grad school are old hat to me by now.  However, it was great to meet some current students, hear an alumna speak, and spend some time on campus.

I had my camera with me but, unfortunately, since it was raining, the campus tours were canceled and there wasn't much of a point to walking around and taking pictures.  There's a full orientation day in September and I was told the campus tours will be done then.  One of them was a tour of Columbia's historic cultural sites; I am super excited for that one! (There's a statue of Alexander Hamilton that I haven't yet had a chance to go see!)

What struck me early in the day, though, was how this represents a shift and continuum in my life.  I used to take public transportation into the city and head downtown to NYU.  Instinctively, I almost headed for the downtown trains but caught myself and made sure I was going uptown (similarly, when heading home, I had to remind myself that Port Authority was now downtown of me, not uptown).  But NYU used to have a Morningside Heights campus and Teachers College had classroom space in the Village, so it really is like my NYC schooling is linked and circular.  (I'll add that I started kindergarten in the Bronx, so this really is like a move towards my past and a move to the future at the same time.)

The highlight of yesterday, though, was getting to meet the woman who helped create Blue's Clues and who has also worked on Oswald and Little Bill.  (She's a TC alum.)  All that history and talk of registration and student loans and nitty gritty and it comes down to a bunch of Noggin shows, which is fine by me.  Someday my nephew will be impressed that I met her.  For now I'm just happy to be a student again and on the road to what should be the last stretch of my formal education.

The Debt That Dare Not Speak Its Name

My brother recently posted a link on his Facebook page to the FinAid - The SmartStudent Guide to Financial Aid - calculator, which allows students to calculate what their student loan monthly payments will be and what sort of salary they should have so that their student loan debt isn't a burden. Oh, goody!  I was just dying to know what I should be earning so that these student loan payments aren't a burden.  They have been feeling a bit heavy lately, you know?  This way I can find out what sort of raise I should ask for at my next annual review.

"It is estimated that you will need an annual salary of at least $128,320.80 to be able to afford to repay this loan."

Oh good - it's a totally reasonable amount.  Phew.  I was worried I'd have to ask for something obscene. /sarcasm *headdesk* My monthly loan payment is less than a hundred dollars short of my monthly rent.  Basically, we could be saving up for a house if I didn't have these loans.  We could be doing a zillion things if I didn't have these loans.

In order to battle the heart-stopping depression that my loan figures induce, I try to think about all the good things my university degrees have and can provide, like... um... oh, jobs!  Yes, I have two jobs thanks to my degrees!  Well, except that it's the amount of student loans I have that make it an utter necessity for me to maintain two jobs so that I can make my monthly loan payments. I will say, though, that I feel lucky to enjoy a lot of what my jobs entail, especially the teaching and tutoring aspects.  It would be a whole lot worse if I had these degrees and then had to work in a field or department I couldn't feel good about.  So at least there's that.

But this debt is a crushing burden and an issue far more complicated than "it's all my fault" or "it's the fault of the current US education system/government policies."  There's a lot that goes into amassing debt like this.  The only problem is now I'm stuck having to figure out how to maintain these payments while still doing all the things in life I wish to do, like have a baby and buy a home. The easiest route would be to just earn more money.  Hopefully my boss will approve my request for a 300% raise.

My brother, the lawyer

74. Attend my brother’s law school graduation.

I spent the last four days in Miami.  Le sigh.  I have never been a big fan of Florida, but this was the best mini-vacation I have ever had.  Part of the reason for that, though, was all the time I got to spend with my brother AND the fact that he graduated with his law degree (J.D.).

This was not an easy road.  For the past three (plus) years, my brother has suffered from daily migraines and accompanying nausea, making it nearly impossible for him to ever study for more than 20-30 minutes at a time (something, oh, just vaguely necessary in law school).  Sometimes it was even difficult to just get out of bed. 

So, taking all of that into account, it is remarkably amazing that he was able to complete his law degree.  If you know me well, it is practically unnecessary to tell you that I cried through the graduation.  I think what my brother accomplished is greater than anything I will ever do.  I am so incredibly proud of him.

Next up: he spends the next two months studying, moves back to NJ sometime in July, and takes the NJ Bar Exam sometime near the end of July.  Of course, that is any hopeful lawyer's last big hurdle, and it's no walk in the park, for sure, but I have all the faith in the world in my brother.

And now, I am exhausted.  It has been a long first day back home (oil change, laundry, no time for a nap) and I must go back to work in the morning.  Oh, Miami, how I miss your warm air and cool breezes right now.

It's not easy, quoth the grandmother.

There was an interesting article in the NY Times a couple of days ago about how Michelle Obama's mother, Marian Robinson, is adjusting to life in Washington D.C.  I believe there are so many families in this country who rely on grandparents to help them make ends meet, both financially and in their daily lives, and that the idea is not really discussed often enough.  I like that Ms. Robinson is becoming more of a national talking point, or that grandparents in general are.

My little fur baby, Oreo, was quite sick last week.  I still don't know what it was, but starting on Monday she had diarrhea and it lasted through the week, actually getting worse throughout the weekend.  I brought her to my parents' house on Sunday while I did laundry and asked if they could watch her for us while we went to see the Wolverine movie.  They did and then offered to watch her for another day or two since my mother is home all day and could keep an eye on her (Oreo was going outside nearly every hour on Sunday so I was very worried about her dehydrating).  She seems to have fully recovered now, thankfully - but it made me realize how glad I am that both the hubby and I have our parents around in the event that we need help.  Granted, right now, that help mainly entails offering up a free meal and laundry machine usage once a week, but even that is nothing to sneeze it; we appreciate it greatly.

My grandmother is a legend in our family (but whose isn't, right?).  Many years ago, after my grandfather died of cancer, my grandmother declared that, "Everyone has cancer in them - it just matters how you live."  Not many years later, scientists theorized the same thing - that we all have the potential for cancer in our DNA but that it's our life circumstances and habits that determine whether or not it's expressed.  Now, for a woman who grew up in the Ukraine and never went to school a day in her life, that's pretty incredible.

 

But nothing tops her most used and well-loved phrases:  "It's not easy" (sometimes also known as "Life's not easy") and "You do what you can."  Often these are used in tandem, for example:

Grandmother: How's school? Me: Good.  I like it a lot.  It's a lot of work and I don't get to see my friends a lot, but it's good. Grandmother: Yeah, it's not easy but you do what you can.

Bingo, bam, slam dunk.  The phrases work in so many situations and we have all found ourselves using them on occasion and giggling when we hear other people use them.

But they're both remarkably true and that's the simple beauty to them, the sort of simplistic, truthful beauty that can't be learned in school.  Yes, life is not easy.  Nothing worth something is.  And, yes, you do what you can.  Of course, that one could almost be overlooked - of COURSE we all do what we can.  But the beauty is deeper.  What constitutes can?  As an educator, I am frequently faced with students who think they're doing all they can but once you show them how just a little bit more effort pays off, they realize they can do so much more.

My grandmother marched through Europe during WWII, moving from country to country with my grandfather, with nearly nothing to their name, picking up five languages along the way, although she knew how to read none.  They moved to Argentina and then later to the U.S. when my mother was a baby.  Perhaps that's why I have a broad view of what one can do - because my grandmother showed me a whole world of can.

When my grandfather died, she was 63 years old and still did not know how to read.  My mother set her up with a literacy teacher and, with help and time, she learned to read for herself.  Now nearly 85, she has been living on her own for twenty years, managing her house, shopping, medications, and daily life.

I feel like what I can do pales in comparison to what her generation was able to do.  My family history drives me to do what I can because that's what you do: you do what you can because it's not easy.

What can you do?

No, really - a list can make you a better person.

I love lists.  I cannot grocery shop without my list; if I try, I forget at least one thing (if not two or three).

I fully believe that part of the reason I love teaching college so much is because I get to write syllabi.  As a student, I have always been a total syllabus junkie.  It got so bad that half way through grad school, I started trying to get the syllabus before the first day of class, even if it was just a few hours before the first class meeting. I really was like a junkie who needed a fix.

This is why I am enamored with the 101 in 1001 project and, now, the 31 Days to Build a Better Blog project.  I don't recall how I found the 101 project, but my dear friend Delightfully Sweet turned me on to the 31 Days project.  Since I can't turn away from any kind of self-betterment project (I think self-betterment is one of the keys to a good life), I had to sign up.

Yesterday was Day One for me and the task was to write an elevator pitch: i.e. a sentence that can sell your blog in the length of time that elapses in an elevator ride.  Since my blog already has a tag line (I dream of having the time to read all the books I own), I didn't go out of my way to create a new one.  However, I realized that while I think that accurately sums up my life - wanting lots of free time to read but being overwhelmed (sometimes happily) with too much to do - it maybe doesn't accurately do the job in layman's terms.  I don't want to change my tagline, though, because I feel it captures me in a very succinct and appropriate way for the blog.  I do have a longer description about me on the, you guessed it, "About Me" tab, though - so I feel those are sufficient for now.

Day Two's assignment is to "Write a List Post."  Well, with my 101 in 1001 tab and follow-up posts, I am already working on this.  However, I haven't ever written a true list post - a post whose title is "X ways in which to do Y" (or something similar).  So that is what I'm going to work on today.  This way it is a challenge for me and I have an idea that I think will be beneficial to me (so it has a true purpose).  Stay tuned!

The end of growing up

Today is my last post for April's NaBloPoMo, the theme of which was "Growing (Up)."  Like January's theme (change), I feel like it's a topic that is naturally occurring in my life and not one I have to really force myself to think about. Today, however, I am taken by how many of the students I come into contact with on a daily basis still have some significant growing up to do. 

The most troubling remarks I heard today were in reference to Rhianna and Chris Brown.  A group of girls was talking about how sad it is that they broke up because they had "a real fairy tale."  Not even considering the missing word "relationship" at the end of that, this was already a problem for me.  I have a real issue with little girls being raised to hope for fairy tales and Prince Charmings. The most troubling part was yet to come, though.  One of them said, "Yeah, and I don't get why it's everyone's business whatever happened between them."  (Never mind the irony that she's violating her own concern by taking part in this conversation.) 

Then the other girl said, "Seriously - cuz, you know, like sometimes a bitch needs a beat-down."

I was aghast.  This is beyond troubling to me.  Here is a group of girls that I feel are fairly representative of a good section of the current Millennial generation (generally those born between 1982-2001, although I see a difference between those born before 1990 and after, generally).  Having just finished Whatever It Takes and now almost being done with The Tipping Point, I really believe that this attitude has seeped into and pervaded the culture and will take a strong, similar force to turn it around.  Because I deal with a lot of young adults between the ages of 18 and 25, sometimes I want to believe that it's too late, that we will not be able to turn them around, that we should just give up on them and work on the kids growing up now. But we can't give up; these misguided young adults are going to be working members of our society and we can't allow these attitudes to continue to spread.  I just don't know what to do, frankly.  I hope someone does and I hope that I can help in some way.  I know that, ideally, I should have said something to those girls today.  I didn't, though, because I don't think they would have really heard me; I'm not an authority figure to them.  I'm just the girl who tells them to quiet down all the time. My brain is muddled and troubled about this today.  I know it's going to be on my mind for a while.

Whatever It Takes

16. Read 30 books I haven’t read before (in addition to the above) and blog about them. (6/30)

Whatever It Takes
by Paul Tough

This is a book I've been wanting to read ever since I first heard about it last year.  It's about Geoffrey Canada, the head of Harlem Children's Zone and the creator of Baby College, a program in Harlem that teaches new and upcoming parents about contemporary parenting techniques.  The grand scope of Canada's goal is to solve the problem of poverty (how's that for ambitious?) and he determined that the best way to go about this is the "conveyor belt" scenario.  When low-income, inner city young adults are pregnant, he enrolls them in Baby College and they learn about things that middle-class families seem to find out about on their own: why reading to your baby/child is important, nutrition for pregnant women, nutrition for babies and children, the importance of an intact family unit (i.e. two parents), the importance of attending school, the argument against corporal punishment, etc. The conveyor belt continues throughout the child's life (in theory): they (and their parents) are enrolled in the Three Year Journey (like Baby College but with three-year-olds), and then preschool, and then kindergarten and up in the related charter school.  These children would then go on to college, graduate successfully, and bring their success and initiative back to Harlem and other cities.  The idea behind all of this is that low-income children do not have models of success in their lives.  More than half the men they know have been in jail, almost no one they know has gone to college, many haven't completed high school, and many are unemployed and underemployed.  Canada calls it "infection theory" - if he can "infect" the neighborhood with models of success, they will then spur more success, and so on, until Harlem is no longer an impoverished neighborhood. I think his work is brilliant and am happy that President Obama is a fan of this program and wants to expand it to twenty other urban areas (including Camden NJ).  I hope that the expansion can be approved and funded, which will be hard in these times, I recognize - but what better thing is there to invest in than the education of the future leaders and citizens of this country? I highly, highly recommend this book to anyone interested in childhood education.

You do what you have to do.

For the next month and a half, I am working a lot of six day weeks.  By this I don't mean six full-time days, but that I have to show up for work six days a week, even if I get to leave early one day because I came in on Saturday.  None-the-less, it's still taxing.  I'm used to having Saturdays and/or Sundays where I can sleep in and laze around before running errands or cleaning or getting ready for a night out.  Now I have to get up six mornings a week and since we go to the hubby's parents' house every Sunday afternoon for laundry and dinner, I don't have a single day to myself.

But it's what we have to do.  I'm lucky to have my job, especially since it seems pretty secure.  I'm also lucky to have my second job, not just because it brings in income we so direly need, but because I enjoy it so much.  If you are going to have two jobs, it's incredible to like them both, especially the second one, which has the possibility of feeling like a chore.

The hubby's temp job ended Thursday and so I have been super worried about money and life plans.  My jobs alone can't cover all the bills and household expenses (we're talking just basic food and gas here, no extras) so it was imperative that he find something new.  Not long ago, he went into a fave pizza place to see if they needed any help - this would be his second job.  They recently called to ask him to pick up a few hours taking phone orders and now that they heard his job ended, they've offered him more hours and have promised him that as long as he needs the job, he has it.  It's not a lot, but it's something and it's enough to pull us through.  And now the hubby is even talking about going back to school so he can finish his bachelor's degree.  Being a school addict, this makes me incredibly happy, but it does so on a practical level, too.  The unemployment rate is higher for people without college degrees and it is indeed harder to find a job if you don't meet the basic "college degree required" part of a job listing.  (Yes, I believe that the degree doesn't necessarily mean much as far as job skills and knowledge are concerned - I've met enough people with college degrees who couldn't tell their ass from their elbow - but we live in a time where it's valued so it only helps to have one.)

It will be a lot - both of us working and taking classes, but sometimes I think a schedule like that is preferable.  Your free time becomes so much more precious and valued.  I like being busy and productive and would really like it if the hubby and I had similar levels of activity.  I can see it working out really well for us.  The unfortunate part is that we wouldn't have a lot of extended free time for friends and things like that, but we would just have to make sure we take the time to plan fun activities with everyone once in a while.

We've also been talking a lot lately about when to have a baby.  We have vague plans about this, but it's scary to think about getting pregnant and having a baby when finances are precarious.  Those little buggers aren't cheap, after all, but I'm going to be 35 next summer, which is the big "uh oh, danger danger" age for conception and pregnancy so, if possible, I'd like to get in one pregnancy before that.  We'll see if it happens, though.  We're not trying right now.

But, if nothing else, now we get really cheap pizza.  I can definitely live with that for a while.

Tiptoeing into the Ivy

So remember how I got into one grad school program but really wanted another one?  Well, I got into that other one.  This fall I will be working on my Master of Education (Ed.M.) at Columbia University-Teachers College.

Part of me thinks I'm plum crazy to get back on the grad school train, but I do have my reasons for this.  I do want more of an education credential.  Wherever my career ends up going, it's going to involve some sort of education administration; I don't doubt this.  Whether I stay with my current job for a while (which is education administration) or whether I decide to try teaching full-time (if I could ever get such a gig), there would always be administration involved.  The program I'm attending is Teaching of English, so I'll be studying the methods and theories behind teaching composition and literature.  This is absolutely perfect for me because I'll get to continue studying literature but I'll also learn how to be a more effective teacher - something I plan to continue working on for as long as I'm teaching.

When the hubby and I were deciding on wedding photographers, I narrowed it down to two.  The one we ended up not going with does some work for Columbia University and so he had us meet him at a coffee place right by the campus.  We walked through the campus to get there and I totally fell in love; I even dragged Tom into the bookstore and bought myself a sweatshirt.  As of late, I have worried about that sweatshirt; I knew that if I didn't get in, I wouldn't be able to wear the shirt anymore because it would make me too sad.  I just heard from Columbia last night so I haven't yet worn the sweatshirt since being accepted, but I know that when I put it on, it's going to feel different than the last time I wore it.

The email from Columbia came in at 5:21pm yesterday; I was still at work and, thankfully, alone.  My heart was pounding and my hands were sweating as I opened the email.  After I read the first line of the letter: "I am pleased to inform you that you have been admitted..." I let out a "WOO!" and pounded on my desk, like a drum roll.

And then?  I proceeded to cry.  This was it.  This is what I have worked so hard for over the past ten years.  I sent those monthly payments to my first college after dropping out so I could pay off my outstanding balance to them so they could release my transcript and I could transfer to another school and finish my degree.  I took 2-3 classes per semester, including summers, at night while working full-time during the day so I could finish my B.A..  I gave up a decent-paying job and moved two hours from everyone I know (including my then new boyfriend, who is now the hubby) in order to attend grad school.  I holed up and alienated nearly everyone over those B.A./M.A. years because I was driven and dedicated to doing the best that I could at all times.  I won a Teaching Assistantship and didn't treat it like a given or a free ride or something I always knew was mine. I worked hard, learning everything I could about teaching from anyone who was willing to talk to me (I have a particular fondness for my grad school friend Nadia, who taught me so much about teaching and navigating grad school).  I studied my ass off and earned high honors on my comprehensive exam.  I wrote my ass off and earned high honors on my thesis.  Without this, those would just be personal badges of honor.  I have a friend who says he read Moby Dick just so he can drop, "Oh, well, when I was reading Moby Dick" into conversation.  That would have been the worth of those honors.  I was most definitely proud of what I accomplished, but I now feel that it wasn't just for me.  I know that putting this all together helped me get into this program.

I always joke that I wanted to go to an Ivy League school since I first understood what the Ivy League was.  I fully understand and believe that I could get an equally good education at many schools, but I'm always working to make myself proud.  The first time I felt like this was the day of my undergrad graduation:

I worked hard; I was wearing honors tassels; I was graduating from a school I loved (and still love) so much.  That photo was taken at about 6am after only 3-4 hours of sleep, but I look rested and honestly happy.

The next time I felt proud was when I found out I earned honors on my comp exam and thesis.  I didn't find out about the thesis until the booklet from graduation (which I didn't attend) arrived in the mail with my diploma and nearly had to sit down as I saw the double stars next to my name.

And then there's today.  I can't wait for Orientation - to walk onto campus and be able to say to myself, "I belong here."

Brain feeling full and squishy

Sometimes you have problems that are so overwhelming that you don't even want to think about them or don't know how to think about them.  Sometimes you have problems that are so distressing that you don't want to deal with them.  Sometimes you have problems that are such a blessing, but even still, you don't know what to do or where to start.

Like a lot of people these days, the hubby and I have money issues.  We're barely scraping by, meaning we barely even bought groceries the past two weeks - just milk for cereal and bread for sandwiches, etc - the staples.  We're not eating PB&J every day but we're not eating a lot of meat or vegetables, unfortunately, because the budget is that tight.  It should get better soon as we pay some bills and get a hold on our expenditures, but we have at least another month of this ahead of us.  This is something I think about every day.

Then yesterday I received amazing news: I was accepted to an outstanding graduate program to pursue my Master of Education (I already have a Master of Arts in English).  The problem?  I'm actually not sure I want to go; I'm not sure the program I applied to is the right fit for me.  In fact, I think another one would be a better fit and so I have written to the school to find out if I can join that program instead.  The nerve, right?  But the other (new) program feels so much better; I get tingly looking at the required courses and their descriptions.  For the program I was accepted to, I feel dread and a distinct lack of excitement.  I LOVE being a student so I know I have to go with my gut on this.  I hope I can apply for the other program and not delay my admission at all.

I also hope that I can handle going back to school AGAIN (if I do go).  But that's the next level of worrying - I have to finish this level first.

Edit 4:24pm: I can resubmit my materials for the other program and it seems my admission (if I AM admitted to this second program) would be still for this fall.  However, I have to write a new personal statement!  Gah!  As anyone who's ever applied to grad school (or even college) knows, that is the worst, most difficult part of the application process.  Those essays don't really mean too much for college applications, but for grad school applications, they really can make or break you.

Oh lordy.  My stomach is doing somersaults about this.  Last year I spent months on my personal statement and didn't get into a single PhD program.  This year I spent about 30 minutes on it and got accepted.  Perhaps I just do better when I think less (since I overthink everything).

Going to go right now and get crackin' on the new personal statement!

A day of *headdesk*

*Note: "student" represents a number of students crossing my path today.

Student: The printer isn't working.

Me: Okay, what does it say?

Student: Load Tray 2, plain letter.

Me:  Okay?

Student: I don't know what that means.

Me: *headdesk*

~~~

Student: I don't believe that Chris Brown did all the stuff to Rihanna that they're saying he did.  I mean, like, who really bites people?  No one would really bite someone.  And he choked her unconscious?  Then why wasn't she screaming?  If someone choked me unconscious, I'd sure as hell be f'ing screaming.

Me: *headdesk*

~~~

Student: *singing*

Me: *glaring* . . .  to no effect.

~~~

Me: *opens tasty salad for lunch, puts on light Italian dressing, starts eating*

Student: OH MY GOD!  IT SMELLS LIKE ASS IN HERE!

Other students: *poke her and point to my salad*

Me: Or it could smell like my salad.

Student: *says nothing, turns back to computer*

Me: *thinking* "Sure, I accept your apology, thanks."

~~~

Me: Sorry, but we require that you use headphones in here when you listen to music or watch a video on the computer.

Student: *stares at me blankly*

Me: *noticing earbuds* Oh you have earphones on? You might want to turn them down.

Student: You can hear this all the way over there?

Me: Yes, loud and clear, actually.

Student: *rolls eyes, goes back to computer, does not lower volume on earphones*

Me: *tries not to smack student upside head*

~~~

I am earning my paycheck today.  I wish I was home unpacking instead.

Yesterday... all my troubles... something.

Yesterday was one of those weird days where one has great highs and great lows.  After work, my husband and I were going out to sign the lease and get the keys for our new apartment, but right before we left, I was sobbing in the kitchen over something else entirely.  So, yeah, one of those kind of days.

My family isn't always great with money.  The way I have this blog, I won't say anything here that I wouldn't say to someone if they were standing in front of me... so I can confirm that no one in my immediate family would deny that we're not great with money.  Not dumb, necessarily, just not great and not always lucky.  Right now, all parts of my immediate family are struggling a bit.  Our struggles are mild in comparison to what some other people are experiencing in this economy, but it's still been difficult.  My husband was laid off in September, right before our wedding, and has been temping since.  My mother hasn't had a permanent job in over a year, I believe, and has had some temp jobs here and there.  My parents are constantly struggling with their mortgage.  My sister and her husband bought their new house right before she got pregnant (unplanned) and so they're more strapped for cash than they intended to me.  We've all had significant car repairs recently.  I have a mountain of grad school debt that I was certain would be paid by the fabulous job my Master's degree would get me after graduation, having no idea I'd earn less now than I did before I even had my B.A..

My brother is in his last semester of law school and it's been a tough ride for him all along.  He has some health issues he's been battling and has been living the "poor grad student" life all along.  He takes excellent care of himself, but no doctor has been able to figure out completely what's wrong and they're costing hundreds of dollars a visit, so he can't always go.  The issue this month was that his student loans were late and so he couldn't pay his bills, including his car loan, and so they were threatening to take his car - even though this was his only missed payment (tough crowd).  So my husband and I lent him the money so he could wire it today, but his student loan money came in this morning so everything is okay anyway.

It's hard to explain why this in particular hit me so hard since money problems like this aren't new.  I think the biggest part of it is that I hate that my "little" brother is a thousand miles away.  I have hated it the entire time he's there.  My brother and I have the same habit of not asking for any help until the very last, dire minute, so it's been impossible to know exactly what's going on with him because he'll never say anything.  Without his car, he couldn't go to class or his clerkship, so his law school semester would be over, there would go graduation, his degree, everything.  Thankfully it's worked out, but it was tough.

On top of that, my dad fell on the ice Wednesday night and bruised his lower back.  Again, he won't say anything about it; my mom had to tell me.  He slipped on the front walkway and hit the small of his back on the bottom step of the front steps.  That can't be good so now I'm worried he didn't just bruise himself.  I'm trying to get my mom to take him for x-rays.  My dad is young for his age - no one ever believes how old he is - but he is still over 60, no matter if he looks like he's barely 50.  I hate that he still does all the shoveling and yard work.  I hope my parents can move into a place where they don't have those responsibilities anymore.

So from there the hubby and I went to sign our lease and get our apartment keys.  We picked up some things from the storage facility (might as well not go to the new place empty-handed!) and went to the apartment to measure the rooms for painting (if we paint all the rooms - I'm not sure; I had no idea paint was so expensive!  Why do they always say paint is the cheapest way to redecorate a room?  At $25/gallon?  Seriously?).  We're at least painting the bedroom - goodbye yellow.

I often have a problem feeling how I'm "supposed" to feel on a particular event.  It's why I was surprised by how purely happy I was on our wedding day.  Usually I just feel like, "Okay, it's a day" about things.  I know I should have felt something extra getting our apartment keys yesterday, but I didn't.  My mind was on my family and what would come next.  I know I'll feel the happiness when we lock the apartment door behind us on the first night we sleep there.  Then it's ours; then it's home.

Outliers

16. Read 30 books I haven’t read before (in addition to the above) and blog about them. (#2)

Outliers
by Malcolm Gladwell

I would read anything Malcolm Gladwell writes.  That said, I haven't read The Tipping Point yet (but I will eventually).  Blink, however, is one of my all-time favorite books.  I didn't enjoy Outliers as much as I enjoyed Blink, but it was still remarkably fascinating.

The thesis is basically that success is a result of lucky timing, opportunity, and hard work.  Intelligence isn't as important as these three factors.  It makes so much sense and is something I already believed, although without any of the research and without the strong influx of information about timing (specifically, when you were born - both year and time of year, depending on the field).  Sometimes even your heritage plays a factor.  The book does not clearly come down on either side - success is luck/opportunity/timing OR hard work - but instead demands that it is all of the above.

So what does this mean for us regular folks?  As I read it, I could only think, "What can I do to make sure my children are a success?"  (Well, my imaginary future children.)  It seems that I should foster their interests, make sure they have ample educational opportunities, don't let them while away their summer vacations, and make sure they develop a good work ethic (i.e. they work hard).  Good - all stuff I'm a fan of anyway.

I can't wait to see what Gladwell's next topic is.

38. Join the library

Since I didn't have to be at work until 10:30am today, I stopped at the library to pick up the library card that I ordered online the other day.  The town library has a whole host of meanings for me.

1. My hometown is the hometown of the poet William Carlos Williams.  His brother, Edgar, designed the library (as well as the post office).  The library has a good amount of WCW memoribilia and tries to maintain and honor WCW's legacy (although I often find the town's efforts to do that lacking).

2. When I was in middle school, I was fat (just as I was in elementary school, high school, college, and now, but I digress).  My parents took me to a nutritionist who said I needed to exercise more (fair enough).  My mother signed me up at a women's only gym in town.  I was supposed to go on my own after school several days a week (it was sort of on my route home).  I didn't want to go, but was worried that my mother would call the gym to find out if I was going so I would go to the gym, sign in (this is before they had those bar codes they would scan in), and then leave and go to the library.  I would sit in the YA (Young Adult) section and read for an hour and then go home.

3. In high school, the library was no longer a refuge since more of my fellow students had to go there to do research for papers and I basically couldn't go anywhere that my fellow students were because I would be made fun of (see: I was fat) or just generally felt unwelcome to share the same breathing space they did.

I love the library, though, and saw three books I want to read just within arm's length of the counter when I picked up my card.  I didn't check any out, though, since I have a few books at home that I want to read first.  I'm looking forward to taking out many books from there, though (and am also looking forward to fewer and smaller Barnes and Noble expenses).  The library even rents movies so maybe I'll be able to find some of my AFI list films there!

It is unlikely that the hubby and I will get an apartment in this same town because it's a bit expensive, but if we somehow are able to, I would definitely like to do some work for the library.  I don't know what kind of help they need (if any) but I'd like to do something.  Libraries are wonderful and I'd like to do my part to support them.