A woman's life through her clothes

16. Read 30 books I haven't read before. (11/30)

Love, Loss, and What I Wore
written and illustrated by Ilene Beckerman

This is a truly charming little book. Ms. Beckerman traces her life from the 1940s to the present through her clothing, from her Brownie uniform to the clothes her granddaughter plays dress-up in. There is something so magical about women's clothing from the 40s and 50s; her descriptions are absolutely enthralling (if you're interested in the history of women's fashion). She talks about her t-strap shoes and Revlon nail polish, her crinoline and her 70s pantsuit.

This book made me wish I had such a personal relationship with my clothing (her mother made most of her clothing when she was a child) and I couldn't help but think about how we are now so removed from the clothing we buy (just like we're so removed from the food and other necessities we buy). I borrowed this book from the library and read it while I did laundry at the laundromat tonight - and I only needed half the time at the laundromat to read it. It's definitely the sort of book you read and the re-read slowly, perhaps not even in order, finding your favorite outfits again and letting them spur you on to remembering some of your favorite outfits and where you were and what happened when you wore them.

Leave it and love yourself

Pouch test bonus: I lost 4.4lbs last week, yay! This puts me 1/3 of the way toward my first short term goal: to lose the approximately 15 lbs I've put on since autumn.  Nine pounds to go and then I'll set a new short term goal.  I totally believe it's helpful and great to celebrate small milestones along the way.

So what now?  Well, I'm continuing with a modified version of the plan.  I think I'm going to keep eating mainly light soups on Mondays and Tuesdays as a way to get me on track for the week.  For today I've made Hungry Girl's V10 soup (like V8 but way more veggies and lighter).  I'm already feeling a bit of snack anxiety (as in I don't have something to snack on, some crunchy little things to nibble throughout the day) but I know that that's one of my major problems and something I'm going to constantly battle, and if some super veggie soup is what's going to get me through today, then that's it.  I did put a 100 calorie pack of almonds in my bag, though, in case I'm not full enough from the soup and get lightheaded and can't concentrate at work.

The (my) relationship with food is so complicated that I just purely hate it (the relationship) sometimes.  There's an interesting article in The Daily Beast today about Disinhibited-Eating Disorder, which they describe as:

As a group, disinhibited eaters are people who are unusually tied into the world around them and, when it comes to food, are more vulnerable to the everyday temptations of the high-fat, high-calorie goodies that surround us than those lucky folks to whom a full table is just a full table . . . For these people, more than other folks, learning how to deal with our toxic food environment makes a world of difference. And by this, I mean learning how to comfortably control it rather than engage in futile battles of willpower with it. If you’re someone who tends to eat just because there is food for the taking, even if you’re not the least bit hungry, read on.

Seriously?  This is SO normal for me that I had to read it several times because I was looking for the part that stood out as the problem.  Obviously I know what the problem is, but what I mean is that it's like reading the definition for schizophrenia and going, "Oh, hearing voices - yeah, that's a big sign of bad things going on."  I read this and went, "Oh.  Right.  Um, that's just daily life." Their solution: surround yourself with a personal microenvironment that decreases opportunities for disinhibition and creates a hunger-free, more-satisfied metabolism. This is exactly what I'm trying to do.  Of course, we all have to live in the real world and work to control ourselves when out in the buffet that is that real world, but a huge part of my life is home and work - two places I do have some (although not total) control over. They go on to suggest six rules for helping keep control (I highly suggest reading the article).

As I mentioned before, my good friend My Right To Dream recently underwent gastric sleeve surgery, a type of weight loss surgery (a bit different from the gastric bypass I had) and she's having a hard time with the first week of recovery, which is significantly physically painful sometimes.  As she talks about it, I remember those times - but when asked before, I couldn't recall much of it because the mental workings of breaking up and reuniting with food was so much bigger for me.  Going into the surgery, I had no idea that I had eating issues.  I feel dumb about that now, but I just really didn't know. I don't need to be a size 10 (though a 12 would be nice).  I don't need compliments on how I look or what a good job I'm doing losing weight (from people who just see any diet as a good thing because they've been conditioned - I do appreciate the comments from the people who know how hard and what a complicated process it is).  I don't want to turn heads.  I'm not a fan of attention, really.  I just want to be happy with me.

Last night I watched the first four episodes of My So-Called Life with Delightfully Sweet.  The show was my first "Things I Miss Friday" item and I can barely describe just how influential it was and still is on me.  For me, that show is magical and I would give anything to have that same team create a new show today.  The closing voice-over of the fourth episode (which I also quoted in that first Things I Miss Friday) speaks to me today just as much as it did when I was 19:

Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison. And the crime is how much we hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in a while. And admit the truth: that when you really look closely? People are so strange and so complicated that they're actually... beautiful. Possibly even me.

The Frick

88. Go to the Frick

Yesterday was going to be a two-part 101 day; my friend Kate and I were going to try and get tickets for Shakespeare in the Park and then go to the Frick in the afternoon.  The Shakespeare tickets were a no-go, though.  We had a string of things delay us that morning (Kate's car wouldn't start, we missed the bus by a minute, got on the wrong subway - which I *NEVER* do!! - chose the wrong path in Central Park - the list goes on an on), but none of it mattered in the end because when we got to the end of the verrrrrry long line for the tickets, we were told that there was no way we'd get any because the last people to get any are the folks who got in line at 6:45am.  Ooookay, that was just when we were both getting up, so it would have never worked.  Next year we have to do the whole "get up at 3am" plan if we want to see the show. It's craziness.

However, we had a lovely day in the city, none-the-less, and had a great time chatting.  It's not often that I get to sit and just talk with a longtime friend - you know, that friend who really knows you, knows all your references, who you don't have to explain anything to, knows your family, and so on.  It was really great.  We spent the whole day together, from about 8:30am to 4:30pm and I don't think we stopped talking the whole time. After failing to get tickets, we stuck with our plan to get lunch and go to the Frick. 

The Frick Collection is housed in the former residence of Henry Clay Frick, on 5th Avenue and 70th Street in NYC.  The residence was built in 1913-1914 (Frick only lived until 1919 so he didn't live there long).  After Frick died, he bequeathed the residence and his art collection to a Board of Trustees, who opened the residence to the public in 1935 (after some alterations and extensions were made to the building).  Some additional areas were completed in 1977. The building is amazing.  Walking through it, Kate and I just kept talking (well, whispering) about what it would be like to live there.  It is really just such a beautiful building and it allows for such an intimate experience with the art because very little is behind ropes or glass or protected in any way (which is probably why the museum does not allow children under 10 years old).  You can get up close to the chairs and vases and paintings - so much so that it's really hard not to touch them sometimes, but there are guards everywhere. It's a beautiful place. 

Museums in NYC have gotten more expensive than they used to be (at $15 this is a cheaper one) so plan ahead, but it's a great place to visit; all in all, it would take you about two hours to go through in its entirety.

one view from the Central Park reservoir

another great view

the best running path in NYC

garden outside The Frick

The Frick main entrance

frog fountain

Note: You are not allowed to take pictures anywhere in the Frick.  However, in this water garden area, we saw people taking pictures together in front of the fountain so we figured it must be okay just in that one room.  Yeah, no.  The guard came over and told us it wasn't allowed.  So those people could take pictures of each other but we can't photograph this frog?  Hrmph.  I understand no photos in museums, though - it's fine by me.  I just really wanted the frog.

5 Day Pouch Test - completed!

I can't believe that I made it and don't feel remarkably deprived.  On top of that, I'm actually content.  It's not like I'm thinking, "Well, I'm going to go back to Combos and nachos on Saturday."  I don't want to, which feels almost miraculous.

Days 4 and 5 went fine.  The only off-plan food that appeared regularly was cheese, but I limited myself to just one piece (slice or string cheese).  Oh, and I licked mashed potatoes off the mixing spoon on Day 4.  I'm not one of those people who's all, "Oh my god I ate one thing off my plan and now everything is going to go to hell because this is a sign that I have no self control, blargh bleh schmeh blech."  I just wanted the taste, had it, and was done with it.  Will I have mashed potatoes again in my life?  But of course.  Regularly?  No. What I've gained most is some understanding about what I can and cannot have around.  Carbs are my weakness.  I'm not a fan of the "cutting carbs is the best way to lose weight zomg!" way of thinking.  I need to cut carbs the way someone else needs to cut sweets or someone else needs to cut soda.  Whether crunchy like nacho chips or soft and mushy like potatoes, rice, and bread, I love my carbs, love love love.  But they don't love me.  I end up hungry quickly and then just head for more.  I know this. 

The key now is to live my life accordingly. I feel in control, but I know this control will ebb and flow throughout life.  However, I feel like I've stemmed the lack of self-control flood that's been going on for the past 3 1/2 years.  I really want to stick with this and get back to the healthy lifestyle I had in 2005 . . . and I think I'm on track. Today I had so much energy after work that I cleaned and rearranged our second bedroom (pseudo-office, future baby's room maybe) - a project I've been wanting to do for a couple of months now.  Welcome back energy!!  I can't wait to welcome back my old clothes, but that'll take a while.  I'll accept feeling better for now because it feels great.

Day 3 of the pouch test runs a bit off the rails

Yesterday was Day 3 of the 5 Day Pouch Test and so I was supposed to be restricted to soft proteins (eggs, fish, etc).  I did well all day, knowing that there would be an exception made that evening when I went to a "taste of the town" event.  I was going to try and stick to the plan, but not beat myself up if I didn't.

So here's how it went: for $5, we each purchased 5 samples of foods.  You got a card that they punched each time you visited a restaurant (punched as in punched a hole through - wouldn't dieting be so much easier if someone punched you every time you went to a restaurant?).  The wine tasting was an additional $10 so I opted against it.  I can bring a bottle home for less.

Restaurant 1: General Tso's chicken (spicy!!!) ... with rice, gah - and white, to boot.  This was very tasty and very spicy for me (I don't have a high spice tolerance).  I tried not to eat too much of the rice, but I did eat some.  I didn't finish the whole sample, though.

Restaurant 2: Didn't know what the choices were until I got up to the table after waiting in one of the longer lines around.  Long line = assumed it'd be good.  The choices were: pasta, rice balls, potato croquettes.  Eep!  Of course the line was long; we're a nation of white carb freaks.  I went with the rice balls, only eating one of the two they gave me (it was the size of a golfball).  Oh, and it was taaaastteeeee.

Restaurant 3: Vegan chili.  YUM YUM.  Definitely going to have more of that.

Restaurant 4: Half of a chicken empanada.  Okay, so the fried outside dough part wasn't on-plan, but it was really, really delicious.  I haven't been to that restaurant before but definitely plan to go back.

Restaurant 5: Vegan pancakes (same place I got the vegan chili).  And again - YUM YUM.  I would have never guessed they were vegan; they tasted just like their regular pancakes.  I ate three silver dollar sized ones with some sugar-free syrup.  Okay, totally off-plan but, hey, they were vegan. 

So, okay, I'm eating milk and eggs every day this week, so that doesn't count for much but it made me feel better at the time.  I don't think they were too bad. I went home, totally full and not in need of an official dinner.  I did get hungry around 10pm, though, which has been happening every night and is frustrating, especially when my husband also gets hungry around that time and opts to eat a large bowl of Spaghettios.  The funny thing was, though, that I didn't want his Spaghettios.  I wanted something (probably chips and salsa) but not the Spaghettios.  I'm missing my crunchy carbs more than anything, I think.  If he had been eating a panini, all might have been lost.

Today I can eat firm protein, like ground meat and seafood.  However, I'm allergic to shellfish and don't like ground meat lately, so I'm going to stay on the Day 3 plan and stick with soft protein.  Tonight for dinner, I believe we'll have some fish.  Tomorrow I can have firm proteins: chicken, pork, steak, etc., so I think some pork chops are on the menu for tomorrow.

So, yeah, today is Day 4 and all is going well so far.  I thought when I got to this part I'd be like, "THANK GOD tomorrow is Day 5!  I can't wait to be done with this crazy crapola!"  But I don't feel that way at all.  This feels like something I could continue to do, which I think might just be how it's supposed to feel.

A fork, a fork, my diet for a fork.

One of the things I remember from early post-op life was that I missed eating with a fork.  For a couple weeks, I just drank liquids or used a spoon to eat soft boiled eggs or Jello.  Oddly, I don't remember what the first thing I ate with a fork was (maybe scrambled eggs?); it was clearly more important to me that I was actually using a fork.  It was one of those steps towards feeling normal again and not like some freak who just had her stomach stapled.

Today is Day 3 of the 5 Day Pouch Test and I'm almost scared to admit that it's going better than I expected it to.  It feels cheesy, but I really do feel more in control and am honestly surprised by how NOT hungry I am, especially today.  Yesterday was just like Monday - I was limited to liquids and soup and the only things I ate that were slightly off-plan was a yogurt in the morning and some cheese in the evening (I put shredded cheese on the soup I had for dinner). 

What's interesting to me about this is that, clearly, cheese is a concern and something I will have to be vigilant about.  I already knew I loved cheese, but to feel like I can't go without it indicates something a bit bigger (and not just my tush).  I am happy to report that the cheese intake was minimal; just enough to quiet the cheese monster. I ate so little today compared to what I would have ordinarily eaten in a normal day, yet I don't feel physically or mentally hungry. 

I had a slight altercation of sorts with a coworker today (verbally and via email) and my first thought was, "That's it, I need a snack!" but before the thought was even fully out of my head, I had reigned it in and thought, "That's ridiculous.  I'm not hungry and I can't let that asshole force me into eating when I'm not hungry."

For breakfast today I had two hard-boiled eggs mixed up with some salsa.  Then after half an hour I had a coffee/protein shake.  Then I waited another half an hour before drinking my water, treating the morning protein shake as if it were a piece of food, letting it rest in my stomach and keep me full.  For lunch I had a Parmesan tuna patty and another hard-boiled egg. Tonight might prove to be challenging, however.  The hubby, some friends, and I are going to a "Taste of the Town" event where we'll walk up and down the main street in town and sample "bite-sized portions" of the restaurants' best dishes.  For $5 you get five tastings and there's also a wine sampling.

I am going to allow myself $5 of sampling and am going to try to stick to samples that at least somewhat fit into my plan for today.  That means no sampling of bread or pasta and trying to find soft proteins instead.  Even though vegetables aren't on the plan this week, they'll also do since they're better than bread and pasta.  It's going to be difficult, but not impossible.  I feel really in control so now it's time to see how in control I can be when faced with a barrage of food.  Oh, and I'm going to allow myself to sample wine.  Not sample wine?  I'm on a diet, not crazy.

It Sucked and then I Cried

16. Read 30 books and blog about them. (10/30)

It Sucked and then I Cried: How I Had a Baby, a Breakdown, and a Much Needed Margarita
by Heather Armstrong

Heather is the incredibly amusing writer of the blog Dooce. Much like Rebecca Woolf's book, Rockabye, Heather's book reads a lot like her blog. Not being an original Dooce reader, I was not along for the ride when Heather was pregnant with her first daughter and went through significant post-partum depression. I assumed the book would give a coherent picture of that experience, but I have to admit that I was disappointed. At times, she will write something like, "And I was no longer throwing one gallon milk jugs at my husband's head" but I didn't recall being told she was doing that in the first place. I feel like the depression was a glossed over in the description of the time it was occurring and I also feel that her hospital stay lacked description. I don't know if this was a conscious choice because these were details she didn't want to include, a writing error, or she doesn't actually remember all of it. I do wish I knew because otherwise, then, I feel a bit disappointed and cheated.

That isn't to say the book isn't an enjoyable read; it most certainly is. However, where I would read Rockabye again, I don't think I would read It Sucked and then I Cried again. That said, I do think it should be required reading for pregnant women. I am very grateful that we have women like Heather out there, talking about these difficult events in women's (and the men/partners' who love them) lives.

7 Quick Tuesday Takes

1. I'm still really upset by the flippant and hate-filled responses to Jon & Kate.  Maybe it's naive, but I think you can sign up to be on a television show and not expect this sort of media treatment.  Who's following the Duggars around? Anyone?  Which paparazzi are camped outside The Little Couple's home?  Hmm?  Only some people get subjected to this level of scrutiny and, frankly, harassment.  They did not ask for this or bring it upon themselves.  Why don't we have paparazzi laws?  Why is it fair for adult men with cameras to stalk five-year-olds?  Disgusting.

2. Day two of the 5 Day Pouch Test is going well so far.  My only off-plan eating yesterday was a cup of yogurt and a 1 oz. piece of cheese.  So, okay, no off-plan eating would be optimal but I'm still proud of myself.  Hunger is not an emergency.

3. I think your child is adorable, but I don't need to see 85 photos from any family event.  Can you choose maybe 5 of them if you're sending them via email?  Or post an album on Facebook so I can skim through them.

4. I got a FB messages from my ex-work husband yesterday.  It wasn't quite perfunctory, but mainly a research assistance request with a few personal questions thrown in.  I miss my grad school friends.  I miss being around people who read literature and watch the (non-Fox) news and have the skills that go along with a liberal arts education.  I'm looking forward to my new grad classes this fall.  My previous grad classmates set a pretty high bar, though - I hope my new ones are up to snuff.

5. Email is an affliction.  Do any of us really need THAT much email?  I wish the cc option was never invented.  Little by little, I'm unsubscribing from a bunch of mailing lists.  I'd rather just get real emails from people I care to hear from.

6. Yesterday's diary of a food addict post got as many hits alone as I usually get in a day.  This makes me wonder about the interest in food addiction (which I believe is under-represented and misrepresented in the media).

7. My husband's answer to all irritants is "Can I build a flamethrower?"  Today I finally agreed, but only so I can be charred to a crisp, like a snack.  I would be a Combo - crunchy on the outside and soft cheese on the inside (because, really, with all the cheese I eat, I am probably just cheese inside).  What's better than carbs outside and cheese inside?  (Combos, raviolis, manicotti, wontons, quesadillas - I could just go on and on.)  Man, I am a carb addict.

What's your favorite carb outside/cheese inside food?

The (afternoon) diary of a food addict

1:19pm  I can do this.  Food should not cause panic.  Soup does not require crackers.  Summon memory of smashing crackers in a restaurant as a toddler as a way to keep busy while the parents tried to enjoy a meal.  (Bad crackers!  *fist pound*  Bad crackers!)

1:42pm  I'm not sure how I'm supposed to complete a thought if I keep having to get up and go to the bathroom - and I'm only halfway through my water consumption for the day.  I hope I can sleep tonight without getting up 5x to pee.

1:45pm  Ow, what is that headache?  Caffeine withdrawal?  Hunger?  Pee pain?

1:48pm  Now that I peed, I feel hungry again... and I think the soup spice is burning in my ears.

1:59pm  I hate Audrina Patridge.

2:04pm  No, I hate all celebrities who say dumb things and reinforce bad body images and poor eating habits - like Fergie, who said, "I don't have a perfect figure, but I'm working with what I've got."  I think her body is pretty damn perfect, nevermind the fact that there is no such thing as a perfect figure.  Shame on her for all the girls and women who will look at her and then feel bad about themselves because Fergie is gorgeous but makes herself sound disfigured and ugly.

2:19pm  Pee.

2:20pm  Just remembered that I have to work until 6pm today instead of my usual 5pm.  Should have gone out for an hour at lunchtime.  I work right across the street from the mall; I could have gone there!  No, the mall has food.  Where am I supposed to go - everywhere has food?  There is no place for me.

2:27pm  Wow, just realized I'm not hungry!  Wow!  Awesome!

2:28pm  Realizing this has made me hungry.  Grrr brain.

2:40pm  I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Just half of one.

3:00pm  Looking at my bracelet, I just realized this past March was my five year surgiversary.  I didn't even remember and definitely didn't have anything about it to celebrate.  That's bad - the five year marker is the biggee.  If you're good at five years, you're likely to be good for life.  Okay, so not yet for me.  Let's be happy on the six year surgiversary.

3:15pm  Pee.

3:16pm  I wish my brain would stop flashing pictures of cheese.

3:34pm  The iPod is playing "Everybody Hurts."  I want to make a sarcastic comment about the pain involved in a cheese and carb-free day, but the song is actually affecting me.  What I told Amy yesterday is so true: it's just not fair that some of us have to work this hard.  But we do it.

3:35pm  I need to start wearing waterproof mascara.

3:55pm  I'm almost out of water.  Oh crap.

3:57pm  Pee.

4:12pm  Suddenly FUCKING STARVING.  Stomach grumbling, mouth salivating, hungry.

4:14pm  Mm, soup.  I want to filter out all the barley and lentils and just eat them by themselves and pretend they're baked ziti.

4:28pm  I want a soft pretzel.  This might be the first time I'm glad there are no Wawa's around.

4:47pm  Doing okay.  Hunger and cravings are not an emergency.  Can wait for the next meal.  Feeling strangely powerful.

4:56pm  I feel like my brain has been turned on.  Good eating takes time, planning, and patience.  Duh.  I knew that!  Now I know it again.

Purpose - it's the fire under your ass.

Purpose. It's that little flame that lights a fire under your ass. Ha! Purpose. It keeps you going strong like a car with a full tank of gas. Everyone else has a purpose, so what's mine?

(Any Avenue Q fans out there?  Luuurve that show.) My dear friend Amy over at My Right To Dream is having gastric sleeve surgery today, which is a form of weight loss surgery (wls).  As I've mentioned before, I had gastric bypass surgery and, a year and a half later, corrective plastic surgery to remove loose skin (abdominoplasty) and complete a breast reduction/lift (most wls patients bemoan the loss of their boobs - nope, not me - I still had DDs, even after losing over a hundred pounds, lucky me). As can be expected with any major surgery, especially a life-changing one that someone is undergoing by choice, Amy is incredibly nervous and a bit scared.  WLS involves such a roller coaster of emotions - joy at being approved, depression and guilt and sadness and anger about needing the surgery in the first place, fear of failure, fear of success (because it changes everything in your life), and so much more.

I was at my lowest weight in September 2005, following my plastic surgery.  In the nearly four years since then, I have gained about 18 pounds per year, which I shouldn't have to point out is NOT GOOD.  Really not good.  Not good for anyone, but especially not good if you've had WLS.  This means you are defeating the surgery and "the tool" (i.e. the stomach pouch).  I got a scope done early last year to see if I had stretched out my pouch and it turned out that my pouch was perfect BUT that my stoma (the opening between my pouch and my intestines) had stretched and so food moved really quickly from my pouch into my intestines, leaving me hungry more quickly than it should.  In a fully working pouch, the food sits in there for a long time so you feel full for a while.  Immediately post-op, the stoma is the size of a pencil eraser.  I don't know how big mine is now, but it's definitely not small and apparently I would be eligible for stoma revision surgery, but that would involve doctors and bills and insurance approvals, blah blah blah.  I can't afford a dime of it right now if it's not covered 100%, so I haven't followed up on it. 

Instead, I'm going to work on this on my own. Amy's surgery today has lit a fire under my ass.  I was supposed to be a good example.  I was supposed to be a success story.  I was not supposed to become a raging snack addict.  I was not supposed to regain OVER SEVENTY POUNDS.  I'm not supposed to feel sad that my husband met me at my thinnest and most athletic and now has to live with a wife who continually gains weight, which makes her unhappy.  He continues to support me at any size and does not/would not care if I stayed my current size for life, but my unhappiness upsets and concerns him.

I spent over an hour on the phone with Amy yesterday, trying to calm her fears and reassure her that this will be wonderful.  One of the main points I wanted to make was that everything she'll go through is valid; all of her feelings and emotions and reactions are valid.  If she's mad that her husband can eat half a pizza and not care, that's fair.  It's not fair that some of us have to work better at maintaining a healthy lifestyle than others and it's fair to say that.  All's fair in food and weight.  I was told that it was "stupid" to miss food or pigging out and that people with food addictions had the real problems and that anyone who cried over missing food was laughable - so I cried in secret and became ashamed.  I know this is a part of my current food issues.

After my plastic surgery, my mother bought me a bracelet to commemorate the occasion (my apologies for the cheesy camera phone pic):

The idea was that the engraved dates are my birthday and my rebirthdays.  My WLS and plastics dates were my rebirth.  It was almost like a do-over.  I got to be me again (or, really, for the first time) - the me that I thought I could be but felt I couldn't be because of my weight. I haven't been able to wear the bracelet for a long time because I was ashamed of no longer meeting the criteria that the bracelet represented.  When I took it out today, it was tarnished because I haven't worn it or even touched it for so long.  So I buffed and polished it and put it on my wrist.  There are spots of tarnish I couldn't buff out, but that's okay.  I have spots of tarnish I will never buff out. 

This bracelet represents my goal.  I need to get back to the me of those rebirthdays.  I will continue to wear the bracelet as a reminder of what I am trying to achieve for myself. So today I have started the 5 Day Pouch Test.  So far today I had a coffee protein shake for breakfast (minus the cocoa because I didn't have any at home), a yogurt (which is off-plan but I didn't want it to go to waste), and am about to dig into some lentil and barley soup for lunch.. which I will also have as a snack... and as dinner... and repeat tomorrow.  So far I'm feeling okay, though.  No snacking anxiety yet (although that always tends to come later in the day) and really not any hunger pangs, surprisingly.  They suggest you cut caffeine, but can have one cup if cutting it completely will throw you into withdrawal, so I put one cup of coffee in my shake this morning.  There was no way I was going without coffee.  But other than that, I have just been sip-sip-sipping my water and I'm even going back to the "no drinking 30 minutes before or after meals" post-op rule.  If one of my problems is an open stoma that lets food slide through easily, then I need to make sure I don't make my meals into a slurry that leaves me hungry soon thereafter.  Not drinking while I eat is really difficult for me, and will be since I made my soup really spicy (I didn't have all of the spices the recipe called for so I just winged it and I think I over chili peppered it).  I'm also trying to eat more mindfully - slowly, thinking about what I'm eating.  My whole life, I've read while I ate and now I often watch TV and/or read online while I eat, so I'm not paying attention to how much I eat or how it tastes or, probably, when I'm full.  I've been living in fear of food and I can't do it any longer. So my purpose is to help Amy succeed and to drag myself back on the road to success.  My failures can be some of her keys to success.  I can take all that I've learned and help my dear friend avoid the same mistakes.  My failure will not be for nothing.  I can help her and I can help myself not do it all again.

I don't know how I know, but I'm gonna find my purpose. I don't know where I'm gonna look, but I'm gonna find my purpose.

I swore I wouldn't change...

But I've got some necessary revision to do.  Hell, I'm a writing teacher - revision is my life.

1. Lose 45 pounds (3/45) is now....  1. Lose 60 pounds (0/60).

I have not been in control of my eating and have made no attempt what-so-ever to get any sort of exercise or do any kind of physical activity, so more pounds are creeping on.  I got on the scale this morning and was absolutely horrified by what I saw, even though I just weighed myself two or three days ago.  I am out of control - meaning, I have relinquished control of my food intake and body's well-being... and I must do something about this.

There are a lot of reasons why I want to lose weight.  I can't fathom getting pregnant and putting on another 30 lbs and then having to lose ALL of that.  I want to be able to shop for semi-normal pregnancy clothes.  I want to currently fit into my old clothes.  I want to stop feeling tired.  I want to feel attractive and cute and sexy again.  I want to be proud of the shape that I'm in.  I want to be proud of the control I have over this lifelong habit and addiction.

Once again, I find Rebecca Woolf to be inspirational.  She is regularly 5'8" and a size 8 (damn lucky).  By the end of her first pregnancy, she was over 200 lbs.  She got up at 6am and went hiking every day to help work off the pregnancy weight (which was in the 190s by the time she got home from the hospital).  All that in the L.A. sun and heat.  Why can't I get off my ass and do something - anything! - when I don't have a newborn to take care of?

So this is it, intarwebs.  I'm making a change.  A revision.  I hate apologizing to myself every day.  I hate looking in my drawers and feeling depressed about the clothes I have and how they fit.  I hate how my back fat has grown back when, for a little while, I had a sloped back that I loved to look at. Without my snacks, I'm going to be mean.  Angry.  Sad.  Pissed.  Cranky.  But so is a junkie going through detox, which is really how I feel about this.  I have a habit that is detrimental to my health and plays with my brain chemistry and thought system.  No one but me can get it under control.

Rebecca Woolf is my Oprah (but like new and improved)

16. Read 30 books I haven’t read before and blog about them. (9/30)

Rockabye
by Rebecca Woolf

I promise to make a concerted effort not to squee all over this post.  As stated in my previous post, I have a massive girl-crush on Rebecca Woolf.

Rebecca, long story short:
*Living the cool life in L.A., party girl, scenester
*Pregnant at 23 by guy she'd been dating for a few months
*Kept the baby, got married at 5 months pregnant
*Named son Archer (such a cool name and such a cute kid)
*Writes an awesome blog, Girl's Gone Child, and writes/participates in other sites (Babble, Momversation, HuffPo)
*Now married around five years and has a second child, an overwhelmingly cute daughter named Fable

I said to a friend the other day that Rebecca Woolf is about five years younger than me but I want to be her when I grow up.  Unfortunately, some of it is too late.  It's too late to have a wild time that I won't regret later.  It's too late to pursue everything I want, throwing caution to the wind - and I'm cautious by nature, so that would have never worked.  But I envy that ability of hers. She's naturally beautiful, but also impeccably stylish.  She even posted a makeup tutorial on YouTube (confession: I've been trying her eyeshadow technique over the past two days and love it so far; I even bought new mascara and am going to try some MAC stuff when I have a bit of cash to spare).  It's unfair how pretty she still is when she doesn't yet have any makeup on.  I always feel beautiful when my husband says the same thing about me, but I think he just hasn't seen her without her makeup on (and I'm not sharing).

I found Rebecca through Momversation, which I found through Dooce (whose book, It Sucked And Then I Cried,  I will begin reading tonight).  Rebecca so intrigued me that I went back in her blog archives and read through her whole blog, starting at the first post.  This took a few days and when it was over, I was sad that I couldn't get a new Rebecca fix anytime I wanted. 

So, I read her book. The book reads just like the blog.  If you don't like blogs or Rebecca's in particular, you will not like this book.  She's the type of writer who is totally relatable and who you don't feel bad about agreeing or disagreeing with.  For example, I have always hated the idea of L.A.  I've never been there - drove by it once, but that's it.  As a die-hard NYC fan, I do not have a pleasant opinion of L.A.  Rebecca changed that, though.  I have a respect for the city and those who live there that I didn't before.  I still don't love it, but can really understand why some do.

Rebecca's struggle is the balance of motherhood and individuality and independence - a struggle I have always anticipated myself having.  Her words have quieted many of my fears about wanting to have it all, although I take issue with her claim at the end of the book that one can have it all.  I think that it's been a bit easy for her (though she would laugh heartily at that claim) because she's driven, resourceful, and mainly a really talented writer who's had professional experience writing since she was a teenager.  Not everyone is lucky enough to have their one great talent be one that allows them to work from home - AND not everyone who has a talent like that has the luck or opportunity to make it work out that way.  It helps when you're beautiful and young, too.

But it all only makes me love her more.  She doesn't take anything for granted and feels very lucky to have what she does.  (Did I mention yet that her husband is hot, too?  Yeah, the luck.)  I even envy the names she chose for her children: Archer and Fable.  I'm seriously considering stealing the name Fable because it is the best female name I have heard in a long time.  I worry, though, that I'm just not cool enough to have a daughter named Fable... or that one day, should I be so lucky as to meet Rebecca, I'd have to fess up to stealing the name.  That would suck and ruin any chance at friendship, I'm sure.  (But in this instance, I swear to all that exists, imitation really would be the sincerest form of flattery.)

The thing about Rebecca is that she's truly inspirational.  This is going to sound crazy and beyond cheesetastic, but I feel like I've become a better person just in time since I read her blog and her book.  I feel funnier and kinder and happier.  I feel like she has so much gratitude for everything that it can't help but seep out and that some of it landed on me.  And what, for a writer, could be better than to be able to create change and affect a person?  Not much (other than maybe massive book sales).  And it's not that type of icky, annoying "I keep a gratitude journal" gratitude.  It's naked and honest and sometimes raw, but always beautiful.

So, you know, I know she and I aren't ever going to become BFF or something, but she's changed my outlook in a way that only those types of people can, which is incredible.  And she friended me on Facebook, so yeah, we're like already on the road to being BFF anyway.

One last thing... The last line of Rockabye: I twist my ring and it sparkles in the light of Archer's bedroom and everywhere I look there are rainbows. I don't know if she did this on purpose - she is a writer, so I do suspect she knows this poem - but, for me, this totally chimed of the last lines of Elizabeth Bishop's poem, "The Fish": everything was rainbow, rainbow, rainbow! (Full text of the poem here.  Do yourself a favor and read it; it's incredible.) Rebecca Woolf creates rainbows.

The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao

16. Read 30 books I haven’t read before (in addition to the above) and blog about them. (8/30)

The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao
by Junot Diaz

This is an interesting read - and I say read instead of book because that's exactly what I mean.  Reading this book is an interesting experience.  I know that it's very popular in college English courses right now - especially in New Jersey since a significant portion of the book takes place in Paterson and New Brunswick (at Rutgers) - so as I read it, I was reading it not just as a reader, but also trying to see it through the eyes of an English professor as well as a college student, trying to figure out how I'd teach this book, why I'd teach it, and how students might react to it.

Well, this was not entirely easy.  The book is a little difficult to get into and moves in and out of Spanish (which I don't know).  For an experienced reader, these are not problems.  There are plenty of books that are well worth reading that are difficult to get into at first.  And, as an experienced reader, one learns to just skim over the unrecognized words (whether in his/her native language or a foreign one) as the overall meaning of the passage should make this clear.  I see non-Spanish speaking students having difficulty with this and, as a teacher, I would definitely look up all of the Spanish so I had it notated.  It's undoubtedly important to be able to analyze what's in Spanish so we can figure why it is (there has to be a pattern as to what's in Spanish and what's not - just a hunch I have).

The narrator's identity is not confirmed until the end of the book; however, I had a hunch as to who it was (and was right).  Knowing who the narrator is and why he can tell the story tells a lot about how the story is told and arranged.  It's definitely a book that warrants a second reading because I know there is a lot that I missed the first time through. The dueling characteristics of the weight and support of family form the spine of the story.  It would be easy for students to relate to or understand this troubled, broken family, and there's a useful lesson on the troubles of colonization that could also be covered throughout the reading. 

The structure of the book is complex, moving between characters and locations, but it feels seamless - like the kind of writing any one of us could do if we just took a little time to do it.  It's truly marvelous in that respect. This is definitely a book that's going to sit with me for a few days.  You know, when you read something and it lingers in your mind like a hazy character in the shadows.  That's this book.  If I get to choose novels for my own syllabus in the near future, I will definitely give this one a space.

I need a new House... M.D., that is.

87. Watch every episode of House.

I was reviewing my 101 in 1001 list today since I have been talking with a friend about going to see Twelfth Night at Shakespeare in the Park.  As I was looking at the list, I realized that it's been a while since I caught an episode of House that I hadn't seen before.

So off I scurried to the list of House episodes on Wikipedia.  And, guess what - I've seen every one!  I got into this show last year after my sister-in-law had it on at my in-law's house.  It's a really great show and I wanted to make sure I caught up on it so I started Tivo'ing every re-run and watching every episode I could catch.  And now, done.  All caught up. But now I have to wait until the fall for the next installment.  Booooo.

Grounds for Sculpture

92. Visit 5 places in New Jersey Day Trips. (1/5)

If you're a Bank of America customer, you get free admission to certain museums the first weekend of every month.  As stated previously, the hubby recently bought himself a Nikon D40 so I figured this was a perfect time to visit the Grounds for Sculpture in Hamilton, NJ.  As a bonus, it's one of the trips in my New Jersey Day Trips book so it contributes to my 101 in 1001 list.

If you live in the area, I highly recommend going.  It makes for a wonderful few hours (and you could spend even more time if it's not too hot and you have some snacks to hold you over until your next meal).  Here are a few photo highlights: