I know, I KNOW, you're never ready for kids.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009 at 10:06AM Someone in an online community I read posted a question recently about whether or not it's better to have kids sooner or later in a marriage - her thinking being that if you have them sooner, you won't have a chance to miss all the things you would have developed while not having kids, like Saturday naps or sleeping until noon on Sunday or spontaneous weekends away. You know, all the fabulous things that child-free adults get to indulge in.
A lot of the respondents stated that they believed it should have something to do with the solidity of your marriage (note: this is a community for married people, so there's no presumed judgment on unmarried couples with children - it's just the situation of the community). Lots of folks stated that they had children fairly soon after getting married because they had lived together prior and felt their relationship was really stable. Several even referred to it as a well-oiled machine.
I think the hubby and I are still working on putting the machine together, nevermind getting around to maintaining it's well-oiled status. But, as I am so constantly aware, I am 33 (and a half, but who's counting) and so there is a natural tick-tock going on. If I were 23 or even 28, I wouldn't even care much about any of these. But when I was 23 and 28, I wasn't even interested in being married and fairly certain I'd be just fine without ever having kids anyway. I just wasn't in a place where I would have been building a marriage.
But now I am and I feel like a juggling act with too many plates in the air. We're living together, just us, for the first time ever - for just under seven weeks now, even though we've been married for four months. Two-thirds of our dating was done long distance and I was in grad school, a top time-taker. Since graduation, we lived with my parents, I spent four months looking for a full-time job, he got laid off and hasn't found anything permanent... it just seems like we have every reason possible to not think about babies... except my age, and this make me feel terrible and inadequate.
Women stop being able to procreate at a certain age for evolutionary reasons. You want to be healthy and produce healthy offspring; you need to have the energy to chase after your kids; you need to be around long enough to care for them into adulthood; and, ideally, you want to be around to see your grandchildren and enjoy that range of life's moments. So, if by 33 you are newly married with a barely functioning marriage, a career that is sputtering, and a long list of goals that don't involve having children, is evolution telling you that you're not one of the chosen ones? Have I done everything to take myself out of the race at this point? Have my life choices dictated that I'm just not going to be a mom?
The hubby and I aren't ready to add someone new to our marriage; we're still putting the machine together. We haven't even gotten around to working out the kinks yet because it's not really up and running. (Machinery metaphors are so useful.) So now I find us in this balancing act:
One side: build a well-functioning, solid marriage; get hubby a FT job; get me a better job/higher pay; continue more grad school (me); finish undergrad (hubby); pay down debt; build a modest savings/emergency fund
Other side: have two kids before too old and my machinery no longer works.
I don't know what will happen and there really is no litmus test for marriage solidity - it's just something you have to know/feel. I know we're not there yet. I know a baby right now would do crazy things to our relationship. It's not that I think we wouldn't make it through; I just think it would be terrible and that we have a responsibility to raise our children in the best environment we can possibly manage.
So, hopefully waiting another year or two before having our first isn't the worst thing we'll do.
marriage, money, things that make me worry in life, marriage 
Reader Comments (3)
I don't blame you. Getting the machine is working order is pretty important!
I feel you on this. I found this post looking for information on exactly this issue, as I've been thinking about it a lot and I've started a little film project all about it - what else could I do with all the mental static? Gotta get it out...
It's really difficult to make this decision, and once you have a child, it's something you can never take back.
I hate that stupid biological clock thing, making things harder.
For myself I often wonder if we end up waiting till it's too late to have one biologically, and we really want one then, maybe it's a sign that we are meant to adopt?
But I don't know how I'd handle it if heaven forbid I actually reached that point and had regrets. Of course I'm scared to death of having children and regretting THAT so clearly I have no answers. :)
Sounds like your decision to wait makes the most sense in your life right now.
I have definitely considered adoption for a long time. My husband definitely wants at least one child of our own, though, so for me, that's a point of compromise. But maybe we would have one of our own and then adopt one. I don't know. I have to see where life takes us, but adoption is definitely something I have always been interested in.
I'd love to hear more about your film.