How do you slog through the day?
Wednesday, March 11, 2009 at 4:35PM Last night I thought I lost $5 and it threw me into a fifteen minute crying jag. I started the day with a heartbreaking email from my brother about how much he's struggling with daily headaches and nausea (ongoing illness), spent all day trying to figure out how I was going to manage to pay my bills and put gas in my car, only to go home with my last $6 (seriously, the only cash I had available to me) so I could spend it at the laundromat, washing our comforter. Realizing that we are so broke that something as simple as losing FIVE DOLLARS could derail my plans and cause us to have to sleep with a less-than-clean comforter was just too much for my psyche yesterday. The tears flowed and I was powerless to stop them. Thankfully I was able to get a little bit of money out of our joint account and use that. Then, this morning, I found the $5.
I've never been the sort to try and be chipper. I do have a "glass half full" tendency in that I can usually find something positive about anything going on, but I'm not all smiles and sunshine (in fact, the color yellow and bright, sunny days sometimes make me want to run and hide). I was even Eeyore for Halloween once... in my mid-twenties (so this was after I escaped the perma-funk of my teens and early 20s). But I feel like, even for me, there is just too much to handle and juggle right now.
It's not a lie to say I have relished unhappiness in the past. I spent a lot of time being unhappy and so while it may seem counterintuitive, being unhappy is often a more comfortable state of mind for me. However, I am now mature enough to recognize how unhealthy and unproductive it is. I enjoy being happy and productive in ways that I didn't fifteen years ago. I'm not one to force myself to be happy, but I will force myself to make sure I'm not being overly unhappy, if that makes sense.
But, again, it just feels like there's too much. The doomsayers in the media have me (appropriately, I think) scared. What has me scared even more are the responses to our nation's current issues - the stupid and inane concerns people continue to have. These are big plate fears - almost too big to carry because it's nothing I can fix on my own. I can't change the economy by myself, which is probably the scariest part. I don't trust a lot of my fellow Americans to do their part.
Then there are the small plate concerns. Everyone in my family is struggling with money. I know several couples unable to make their mortgage payments. I know more people than I can count off the top of my head who are unemployed or underemployed. Someone I know drinks too much and I don't know what to do about that. I worry what would happen if my dog got sick because there's no way we'd be able to afford any kind of medication or treatment right now. Mostly I worry about my brother because he is dealing with a daily health issue that's been ongoing for a few years now and can't afford to see the doctor. It's affecting his studies and his work. Most days I really have to try and not think about it because it's too painful; I worry about him too much.
So how do I slog through? I'm not even sure, but I find myself laughing, despite my worries about the people I know and my own financial situation as well as my fears about our country overall. I found myself being silly at work yesterday, despite starting the day sad. I found myself being silly at bedtime, even though I had been crying about my $5 a few hours earlier. Today I started the day crying again, as I found out that a friend had to put their young dog to sleep... but now I find myself with a smile on my face. I'm happy to go teach tonight; I'm happy the week is half over; I'm happy we have friends coming over for a game night on Friday; I'm happy to have a job and a home, even if holding on to both is tough these days; I'm happy that my brother is moving back to NJ in three months; I'm happy to have a husband I love more than I could have imagined.
I don't know if I'd ever describe myself as a happy person but my life sure does include a lot to be happy about and I think that is what helps me slog through the muck that brings us down.
Reader Comments (3)
Does your brother have medical insurance? Has he had an MRI? Catscan? Seen any specialists in headaches??
Please let me know if there is anything ANYTHING at all I can do to help!
*big hug*
Yeah, he's got insurance and he's run all the tests and seen probably 10 specialists, but no one was able to help him. He finally found one doctor who thinks he knows what the problem is and started treatment AND it started to work... but my brother couldn't afford to keep going b/c the doctor is out of network and he doesn't have any coverage for it (or maybe exhausted his OON benefits). However, he has an appointment with him this week so I'm hoping he gets enough treatment to make it through to graduation.
Hope everything goes ok. Thinking good thoughts for you and your brother!