Nitpicking other people's marriages and words

I love the blogging world.  I think LiveJournal and Wordpress and Blogger, etc etc, are a wonderful addition to and expansion of our idea of community and that they provide a source of support and information to people who may have otherwise felt isolated or too shy to ask certain questions.

However, what I've seen too many times is people gang up on someone for asking something a certain way or attempting to flesh out an idea.  Sure, I may think something might be a good idea, bring it up, and proceed with a discussion about it and then later decide it's a terrible idea.  However, if someone has that notion before me, I'd rather they say, "I don't think that's going to work/is a bad idea" rather than, "Are you serious?  This post must be a joke" or "You have got to be kidding."

I've been reading about a woman who has a hard time getting her husband to do any chores (gosh, gee, now there's a rarity).  The responses to her ranged from helpful suggestions, to sympathy with no suggestions, to statements that this problem is unfixable, to criticism that her ideas were stupid.  She was thinking of putting together a chore chart and several respondants ripped her apart for this idea saying that it was childish and if she didn't want to mommy her husband, why was she going to treat him like a child with a chore chart.  Another person asked her what a chore chart could accomplish that her own words out of her mouth couldn't.  Several suggested a list instead of a chart.

This is usually a fairly reasonable community, but I was truly taken aback by the responses here.  First of all (just because it's easiest), couldn't a chart and a list be the same thing?  I have a chore list that I really call a chart because it has little checkmarks next to items (not that we've started using said chore chart yet, but we will, soon!).

Second, a chart/list clearly accomplishes things that speaking wouldn't.  I can tell my husband a dozen times to shut off lights when he's not in a room, but if I have a list showing that he did not check off that he completed that task, I have proof that 1 - I've reminded him to do it and 2 - he didn't do it.  This prevents me from having to nag him (something he actually doesn't mind but that I detest and refuse to do).  It's also a visual reminder.  If he doesn't "see" the overflowing garbage, maybe he'll see the chore list.  If he sees that 3/4 of the chores are marked off with my pen, he'll realize I'm doing more than him and he needs to chip in more.  I have a hard time seeing why these benefits aren't evident.

Third, I seriously take issue with the people (who, admittedly, are mostly women) who say that she should just leave him be because he won't change.  So if he leaves dirty dishes in the middle of the floor where their baby crawls, she can't expect him to value that that needs to change?  If he likes to go drinking every night instead of spend time with her, she can't expect that to change?  I believe that all people need to continue to evolve and change - sometimes the change happens on its own and sometimes it has a catalyst or instructor or guide.  I refuse, REFUSE, to join the chorus that says, "Oh, that's just how men are."  I believe that is dangerous and defeatist.  If marriage makes you a team, then you have to be a team player and that means contributing as equitably as possible to the marriage and living situation.  Expecting your husband to contribute to your marriage is not mothering him; it's actually treating him like an adult.  And, if you do have children, it sets a useful example for them so they don't grow up thinking chores are one person's domain.

The other day it was my husband's first day of having to walk the dog after work because I'll be teaching.  However, when I got home from school, the dog hadn't been walked yet because he decided to "quickly stop by" his parents' house for something before coming home.  That turned into a nearly 2 hour delay, leaving the poor puppers to do the pee-pee dance in the living room (no accidents, though, good dog!).  When he got home he said, "I know, it was my mistake.  I should have come home first; I know that.  It was just a mistake."  I didn't have to say anything - and that was the end of it.  To most things there is a learning curve.

Lastly - your marriage is not 100% like anyone else's.  What works for you may not work for someone else.  Also, what you deem acceptable may not be deemed acceptable by someone else.  I won't put up with underwear on the floor; that's fine for you if you do.  I love the open exchange of opinion, but I hate seeing people be ripped apart when asking for help.

Okay, I'll get down now.