I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed. ~George Carlin
Friday, January 2, 2009 at 11:01AM NaBloPoMo's theme for January is change. The reasons for this are obvious - New Year's resolutions and all. I'm sure there are millions of bloggers trudging their way through the ways they will improve themselves this year. I have mixed feelings about New Year's resolutions. I feel that some of those who rail against them doth protest too much and fear failing. Others, I believe, are lazy. Others, possibly, feel they don't need to consciously improve themselves. Kudos to them, I suppose (although I would be highly sceptical of anyone who did not feel they could improve in several ways).
Change isn't easy. Nearly five years ago, I underwent a significant change: I had gastric bypass surgery (laparoscopic RNY for those in the know) and the changes it forces have not been easy. Even the parts one would think would be easy weren't always. For example, shopping - one might think it'd be such an extreme joy to go shopping after losing a significant amount of weight, say 60 or 70 lbs (I believe that's about how much I lost when this occurred). What I found was that shopping, previously an activity that I enjoyed immensely, had become trying and taxing. I no longer intuitively knew the dimensions of my body and clothing shapes that were previously flattering (or at least acceptable) now hung in the wrong places and clung in other wrong places. I wandered around the store incredibly frustrated and unhappy, nearly in tears because the picture I had of the perfect shopping trip was disintegrating further with every article of clothing I tried on.
Skip ahead to today, where I still struggle with this because after losing approximately 115 pounds, I have regained 60. That is not a small failure. It's not ten pounds, not twenty pounds. It's not the grad school version of the "freshman 15" or too many holiday cookies. It is a failure to change. I HAD changed - I went to the gym for 1-3 hours at a time four or five days a week, usually (and definitely never less than three). I followed the wls (weight loss surgery) diet of eating protein forward and avoiding most carbs, sweets, and fats.
Then my life changed and these changes were left behind. I moved for grad school, stopped working out, stopped following the wls diet, started letting myself eat less-smart food choices, started a terrible habit of snacking often, and lived an entirely sedentary lifestyle. What makes this harder is knowing every day that my husband did not marry the woman he met. We met in 2005 when I was at my thinnest and healthiest and while I know he loves me more now than he ever did before (because it seems we love each other more every day), it hurts me to feel like I didn't keep up my end of some kind of bargain - a bargain I made with myself, my surgeons, and my future. I promised myself that if I was given this awesome opportunity, I would do my best to succeed - and I have not done that.
There's a great article in the NY Times today about why people's attempts to change fail more than half the time. The main point I take away from it is that we're not hard-wired to accept change quickly and that "the only thing that convinces the brain that it is O.K. to change is to see it change" (Dr. Marion Kramer Jacobs, clinical psychologist). Well, I've seen myself succeed at this before. So, hopefully, I will see myself succeed at this again.
Reader Comments (2)
I'm here via NaBloPoMo (I signed up too), trying to meet some of the others taking part. Love the quote in the title of this post! I know what you mean about change being difficult to maintain - I'm trying to make some changes at the moment and lose some weight. And I'm trying to make this time the time it sticks. I've done it before and kept it up for months and I've done it before and kept it going for nearly two years. But long term, permanently, forever, I've never managed that and the thought of failing again is sort of scary. The article you link to is interesting reading too - the point it makes about self acceptance is very true and useful to read. Reading the article made me think of the saying "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got." too.
It goes along with the Einstein quote: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Good luck on your list! It looks interesting and fun!