And then it dawned on me...

All day today I've been thinking, "March 9th... three nine... three nine... Why is this date standing out to me? Did I forget someone's birthday? Anniversary? Television show premiere?"

Then it dawned on me: today is my 7 year surgiversary. It's been seven years since my gastric bypass surgery.

Seven years ago today I woke up in surgery recovery and first thought, "Okay, I didn't die." And then immediately thought, "Shit. I really did this."  (Those literally are the first two thoughts I had after waking up from my first ever medical procedure.)

That is why today's date kept ringing a bell in my head. I used to think of today as my re-birthday. I don't anymore because it isn't the huge before/after marker it was for a while. So much of the weight came back on. Then more. Then I got pregnant and barely gained weight. Then I gave birth and easily lost a bunch of weight due to thyroid medication (oh, and my 8 lb little man, of course).

And now - now I'm at a plateau, 40 lbs above my lowest adult weight and not really interested in getting all the way back down there because of the time and dedication to exercise it would take. But if I could get halfway there (so down another 20 lbs), I think I'd be quite pleased with myself.

Earlier today I wrote about how I'm giving up diet soda. Maybe that will help. However, I've found that all day long I've been craving (and eating) chocolate. Sooooo, yeah. That certainly will not help.

One thing I learned from my gastric bypass is that I was a food addict and an emotional eater. I was in complete denial about it; I really had no idea until one day, about a week after my surgery, I broke down crying because all I wanted was a chicken parm sub and I was completely certain I would never eat one again, not fully understanding yet that, yes, maybe I would never eat another full six inch one, but I could certainly have part of one and that I would indeed be satisfied by it. I've learned a lot since then and I'm still learning. One reason I hadn't attempted the soda sobriety yet was because I didn't want to slide into some other behavior, pick up some other habit... like, say, eating chocolate. (Truth is, I don't even love chocolate all that much. Sure, I like it - I'm not crazy - but most days I can take it or leave it.)

But the point is, I still have work to do. Gastric bypass didn't solve all of my problems. It didn't create any either, though. (And it doesn't - the procedure does not create something that wasn't already there - it can - and will - only shed light on it and perhaps intensify it.)

The procedure did shed light on some of my problems and helped me help myself solve some. I see my lifelong health as a journey that I'm not going to quit or give up on. As each year passes, I become more and more aware of the value of good health. It will probably always be a bit of a struggle and it will probably always involve some effort (possibly even significant effort) but I'm happy to comply.

I have a tool and am a tool

People who have WLS (weight loss surgery) often refer to it as "a tool" - as in, it's a tool to help you eat better, not a magical solution that works on its own.  And sometimes it's possible to get out of touch with the surgery.  You get so comfortable eating that you forget you have limitations.

source

My surgery was nearly six and a half years ago, so I definitely lose touch with my tool.  I eat chocolates and they have no effect on me.  I eat things that used to bother me that no longer do - often forgetting they ever bothered me.  The restrictions are never far from my mind since unless I'm eating something I eat all the time, I have to think about how it'll sit with me - especially when we eat at/from a restaurant.

This past week, though, my tool made a tool of me.  Twice this week I ate something that made me throw up (known as "dumping syndrome" in the wls world - not because your body tries to dump the contents ASAP, but because the fat "dumps" into your body too fast and you feel sick).  I won't mention the restaurants because it's not their fault, it's mine (although it kind of is their fault for making food that is SO high in fat that it makes me sick when a Snickers bar doesn't - that'll tell you something).

The first time, I really had no idea I was possibly in trouble.  I ate a great chicken wrap... but it had avocado on it.  Too much avocado, I think, and while avocado is healthy, it's high in fat - even if it's good fat - and it did a number on me.  Up it came after first feeling like I swallowed a sparkler.  (That feeling always lets me know it's time to excuse myself for some private washroom time.)

Then tonight I ate fried chicken.  I've been craving it for ages and haven't eaten it in a year... and before that, it was probably four years.  But I ate it, even though looking at it, I knew it looked greasy and dangerous.  And I was right.  Damn sparkler feeling, into the washroom.

Sigh.  Talk about a learning curve.

I wonder sometimes when this will become fully second nature.  And then I realize it just won't for me.  Eating well has to be a conscious thing for me.  It's not second nature.  I fully believe I can get to a point where it is, but it's going to take a long time because I'm surrounded by people and things that tempt me and I'm not good at resisting.  The resisting is going to have to become second nature.  I'm going to have to watch my husband eat fast food and not feel like I'm missing out.  I'm going to have to watch a chocolate commercial and not spend the next few days thinking about that chocolate until I buy it.

I've come far.  I have no doubt I physically and mentally feel better when I eat healthfully.  I love how it feels to be energized after a meal instead of sluggish.  What I have to do is really connect the knowledge and experience of those feelings with the part of me that just wants to give in all the time.  I'm fine with giving in sometimes.  Strict dieting is a sure recipe for binging for me.  I know my food tendencies, weaknesses, and strengths so well.

So why is this all still so hard?

But I have faith it won't be one day.  I know it.  I feel it in my soul.  That person who's happy when healthy is in there.  And she's not unhappy now, but it could be significantly better.  We'll get there.

Somehow I'm now referring to myself as two distinct people.  Um... I should probably go check what was in that decaf tea I just drank.

Crossposted to WeAreTheRealDeal

An Anniversary Journey

I forgot my anniversary.

No, not that one - although I wouldn't be surprised if I did forget my wedding anniversary one year.  The hubby is much better at remembering those types of dates than I am.  (He always remembers it's our dating anniversary before I do.)

All day yesterday I was thinking, "3/9.  3/9.  Why does that sound so significant?  What's March 9th?"  Finally, around 5pm as I headed into class I remembered - it's my surgiversary.

Surgi-wah?  Surgiversary - the anniversary of my gastric bypass surgery.  Aren't we WLS (weight loss surgery) people funny?  Usually I hate made up/combined words like that (like recessionista or shoppurtunistic) but surgiversary has stuck with me.

I had my gastric bypass on March 9, 2004 - so this year was my 6th anniversary - and I suppose the reason it slipped my mind is that 1 - I am not a post-surgery success so I don't count those milestones anymore and 2 - it's really not the same daily part of my life that it was before.  I can pretty much eat 90% of foods with only minor repercussions for some of them (and I've found that while pregnant, I actually have increased food tolerance - must be some biological directive for that).

Ordinarily, a WLS patient posts something that looks like this: 350/250/150.  350 being their pre-surgery weight, 250 being current, and 150 being goal (those are just made-up numbers, by the way).  I hate discussing weight in terms of numbers, though.  Visual representations always seem to be much better.

This is me, 5 1/2 months pre-surgery:

That's me and my dad at my sister's wedding in September 2003.  I was my sister's maid of honor; her bridesmaids were three of the thinnest girls I've ever known.  (Seriously - they were all a size 2.)  It was a joyous day, but a tough one.  I pretty much felt bad about myself the entire day.

This is me at my thinnest, Fall 2005, post plastic surgery.  I'm posting this picture even though the style of it is controversial:

Even though most of us are used to the "look how big I used to be because my pants were huge!" photos, they're really frowned upon because it's very judgmental of the people who wear that size currently.  For me, though, it really represented what I had lost.  I actually fit in one leg of those shorts.  By the pounds, I wasn't half my size - but by the size on my pants, I was actually less than that.

I still have those shorts.

This is me six months later, attending a friend's wedding (February 2006):

The dress is a size 14 (I think) from White House/Black Market.  Even though I can no longer fit into it, I still have it.  I'm not usually one to save clothing, thinking, "One day..." but that dress is the exception.  At that point I had gained about 10-15 lbs from my lowest weight.  I felt remarkably self-conscious about it, sure everyone would be able to tell I was failing at my weight loss.   Obviously, I looked great and should have felt great.

This is me the following summer (July 2006):

I hated this picture when I first saw it because I looked huge compared to how I had looked just a year prior.  Now?  Now I wish those capris fit.

This is me this past October:

Am I happy with that?  No, clearly not.  In that photo, I am about 60 lbs heavier than I am in the White House/Black Market lace dress photo above.  I'm pregnant in the photo, but only about two months, so I hadn't gained any pregnancy weight yet.

I don't have any really recent photos, including no pregnancy photos, actually.  I thought about doing the weekly photo thing but by the time I thought about it, we had missed so many weeks... and then I was nearly 25 weeks before I could see a difference and 28 weeks before other people could, so I've just been a bit "eh" about the whole idea.

This is actually the first week I feel like I look pregnant - like, if someone were to look at me, they'd think I was pregnant and not just carrying extra weight.  It's an extremely odd (and I have to admit, uncomfortable) feeling; one I haven't quite reconciled with yet.

It's not really a weight loss journey I'm on.  I thought it was, but it's not.  It's a body journey, a self journey - and it's never going to end.  There's this baby and maybe (hopefully?) there'll be another in a few years.  There's pregnancy recovery, aging... all sorts of life factors.  I don't plan on having any further surgical procedures to alter my body, but I guess I can't really know about that now.  If money is no object, perhaps I would have some nipping and tucking done post-kids.  Who knows.

Right now I'm working on owning this journey - and it's not easy.  It's not easy for me to look at these photos, much less post them.  But it's a part of the process.  I can't hide what I've looked like, what I've done and not done - least of all from myself.  I'd like to think I won't ever inhabit either one of the extremes posted in the photos above.  I hope not to ever reach my heaviest weight again, but I'm also fairly certain I won't ever reach my lowest again.  But I'm okay with somewhere in the middle.  If my journey ends up just middle-of-the-road, I'll happily rest there.

(cross-posted to WeAreTheRealDeal)

The Glucose Test Debacle (Part 1?)

Today was my big "test for gestational diabetes" glucose test.  Ordinarily, a post about this test would include an "ew yuck" description of the liquid women have to drink for the test and possibly a complaint about having to be stuck with needles twice in one morning.

But that goes out the window when you're the exception.  Since I had gastric bypass surgery (weight loss surgery or WLS), I can't drink the sugar solution they ordinarily give you.  I have friends who had WLS who were allowed to eat jelly beans or a Snickers bar instead, but when I suggested those options to my OB, he wasn't a fan of the idea.  Instead he determined I would do a regular fasting glucose test, where I fast for 8-12 hours before the test, have blood drawn, then eat my normal breakfast, wait an hour, and have blood drawn again.

Seems simple, right?  I thought so.  But you'd think I was asking the lab to reinvent the needle.

First, they assumed he wrote the RX wrong and meant a TWO hour wait, not ONE.  I explained that I was pregnant, so this was to mimic the "normal" one hour glucose test.  Well, then they asked me if I was sure I couldn't drink the sugar solution.  Yes, I'm sure.  I can't even drink orange juice, which has half the sugar of the test solution.  Then they asked if I could eat jelly beans.  I said yes, depending on how many, but that when I had made that suggestion to my OB, he didn't want to go that route.

So I got a lecture about how the lab has procedures and rules and doctors can't just make up their own tests and they "don't have a test" to run for something like this.

Perhaps I'm naive, but isn't testing blood for sugar levels just testing blood for sugar levels, regardless of what the patient ate or drank or how long they've been sitting around?  Yes, I understand those things affect the results, but that's really the doctor's concern, not the lab's . . . or at least that's how I see it.

But at that point of the lecture I was hungry and tired... and so I started crying, which I immediately felt bad about because I didn't want to be crying.  It just happened.  (Ask the hubby, I'm either angry or weepy when I'm hungry.  Weepy is probably preferable.)  So I apologized and explained that I was hungry and tired and that I couldn't wait two hours because I had to go to work.  The lab tech called her supervisor, who first railed against the idea (I could hear her loud and clear) but then said to just do the test the way the doctor asked and they'd figure it out later.

So she drew blood and then set me up in a little room with a super comfy chair so I could eat breakfast and read for an hour (yay reading).  She asked what I had for breakfast and when I said a yogurt and a banana, she said, "That's it?" So I had to explain that I was told to eat my normal breakfast and that I can't eat a lot for breakfast because I'm not that hungry early in the day.

Seriously. This should not have involved all of this explanation.  I was really feeling like a freak at this point, like some huge exception to the norm, and it really got on my nerves (still is on my nerves).

So they marked the time after I ate (I was just happy she didn't stand there and watch me eat) and then I read for an hour.  They drew blood a second time (not easy since they used my one easy vein the first time, so she had to dig around a bit this time, ouch) and then I headed to work.

The lab called my OB's office.  I know this because the lab accidentally called me first and asked for the doctor.  Five minutes later, my OB's office called me and asked exactly what I did this morning.  So I explained that I did exactly what my OB instructed.  The nurse said, "Okay, and that's all you have to answer for" and hung up before I could even ask her if that was okay.  I had a feeling they had been aggravated by the lab, as well.

I don't know how this is going to turn out, hence the "Part 1?" of the title.  I'm hoping the lab runs the tests as my OB hopes and that the results are just fine, but I won't be surprised if for some reason I need to do this again - either with jelly beans or with that sugar solution that will make me sick.  In the end, I'll do whatever I have to do in order to make sure The Force is okay, but I would like to not have to go through this ordeal again. 

It sucks to feel that your judgment or opinion isn't valued or trusted - and then, on top of that, to be told that your doctor is just making things up as he goes along.  1 - I trust my doctor (I wrote a whole post at WATRD yesterday about my good experience with him and his office so far) and 2 - doctors have had to make stuff up since there have been doctors.  New situations or concerns appear and doctors do what they think is right until they get the results they want.

It is frustrating to me that there's no set go-to instructions about how to check the gestational glucose in a WLS patient.  There are recommendations, but no known authority that I'm aware of.  This seems unfair and a bit unsafe.  It's not like WLS is new and I personally, in my relatively small life, know several WLS women who have had babies.  Somehow we're all managing, so where's the person or group putting the data together?

My first hope is that the test and The Force are fine.  My second is that someone else doesn't have to fight for their test like I did today.