Goodbye maternity leave, hello work
Monday, August 23, 2010 at 7:41PM Today, after 15 weeks of maternity leave, I went back to work. And, more than anything, I would classify the day as interesting, with all the vagueness and lack of negativity that word can hold.
I cried leaving the house. Thankfully, I was the only one awake, which actually made that much easier. I touched Nate's knee really lightly before I left, but that was it - I didn't want to wake him up early. It wouldn't have been good for either of us.
I brought three pictures of him to work, but I knew I'd have trouble putting them out, so I put them in a bag under my desk until I was ready. I had to teach from 8am to 11:30am, so I wasn't going to be at my desk anyway and wouldn't even have to think about him or the pictures or anything. In fact, teaching at 8am is probably the best thing about returning. If you've never taught, you've probably never thought about the energy it takes. It can take a lot of energy to bring up a classroom of students - especially 18 year old, first time college students taking a non-credit summer course. Trust me, they're not thrilled to be there. So I have to harness up my energy and then some to make it look like I really, really, really want to be there and also make that energy contagious. (It actually works.) In the meantime, I don't have a moment to feel down or sad or let my thoughts wander. After three hours of this, the whole issue of being sad getting in the way of work had passed. I was doing okay and actually really enjoyed my class (looks like they'll be great students to have).
But back at my desk, I wasn't ready for the pictures. Every time I thought about them, I pictured them and my eyes would well with tears. So I set myself a goal: put the pictures out by the end of the workday. This way, I'd have accomplished it today and they'd be out when I got here the next day, not turning this into a two day issue.
At 3pm, I was ready. I put out the smallest picture first. Gave it a few minutes. Then I put out the framed 2x3. That was okay. Then I put out the framed 3x5. Then my eyes welled up, but I held it together. (I work in a communal space so I can't just sit and cry behind a closed door. In fact, I sit behind a glass wall; it's like being in a fishbowl.) But I did okay. I didn't look at the pictures too much, but they're there and I'm glad they are.
It was strange being at work today. Every thing I did, I kept thinking, "The last time I did that here, I was pregnant." "The last time I did that, I wasn't a mom yet." It honestly felt so strange - a true lifetime passed in the time I was off. The life I had on my last day at work in May is not the life I have now and will never again be the life I have. Through and through, I am a different Candice than the one who said, "See you in August!" to everyone at work in May.
The part I feel is most interesting is the lack of guilt that I feel. I did not feel guilty being at work today. Not at all. Whenever I left the house to get a few minutes alone or spent a few hours doing work at a coffeeshop, I felt guilty. I could have been home but I chose to go out and do work. I felt like I should have been able to manage planning my syllabi at home. I always felt (as wrong as it was) that I shouldn't have needed a few hours out of the house and away from my baby.
But I have to be at work. I can't just up and leave and I certainly can't quit. And we couldn't afford for me to extend my maternity leave any more (that 2/3 pay is painful, especially when they don't send the checks in a timely manner). I have to be at work - and that felt completely freeing. I didn't feel guilty about finishing not just a thought, but many, many strings of thoughts. I didn't feel guilty being able to read a few blog posts on my lunch break. Maybe I feel a bit guilty about how not guilty I feel, but that will pass.
Financially, I need to go to work. For health insurance for my family, I need to go to work. Personally, I need to be there. I can't not work. I can't not have somewhere to go several days a week where I get to push my brain and feel good about all the things I've worked for up until now. I love to teach. There were several moments in class today where I felt I was really connecting to the students and that maybe, just maybe, they'll leave this course enjoying reading more than they did when they entered my class today. (Today's class was a reading skills course.) Hopefully they'll have more confidence in themselves and their abilities. Tomorrow I teach writing skills and I strongly suspect I'll feel the same way after that class.
I don't often boast about what I do (in fact, when pressed, I have a hard time thinking of things I do well), but I remembered today that I am a good teacher. After months of feeling like I might not be as good of a mom as I'd like to be 100% of the time, I was reminded that I'm never as good of anything as I'd like to be 100% of the time - and that's one of my strengths. I always want to be more, do more, do better. Working reminds me of who I am in my core, of things about myself that don't change simply because I've had a baby.
In every aspect I can imagine, today was a success. Well, okay, getting a surprise raise would have been nice (okay, more than nice) but let's not get crazy. My sister told me last night that the anticipation of going back to work is far worse than actually going back - and she was completely right. It might not be that way for other parents - I recognize that - but it is for me. The various aspects of parenting we all have to decide based on our personal beliefs (breastfeeding vs formula, cloth diapers vs disposable, sleep training, co-sleeping, and so on), we have to take those beliefs and remember who we are as individuals, too.
I'm sure it's hard for men, but I can only speak from the perspective of a woman and I feel as though viewing myself as an individual has been a challenge simply because, for nearly a year, I wasn't an individual. I carried Nate. We were two in one. Just because I'm no longer carrying him doesn't mean he doesn't still feel like a part of my being.
But he's his own person and, little by little, that personality is starting to come through and, as his mom, I need to recognize that we are both individuals with our own needs. Sure, those needs overlap (especially now) but parenting is a lifelong process, with lessons every step of the way and I feel like I learned a huge one today.
I am myself. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a teacher. In many different orders, I am all of those things, all of the time. And I absolutely love it that way.
Candice |
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