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Entries in things that make me sad (9)

Friday
05Mar2010

Scram Thursday, and take Friday with you

So, I was in a mood.  Already.  And really trying to fight it.  Having been diagnosed with depression in my late teens/early 20s, this is something I knew I wanted to keep an eye on when I got pregnant and post-partum.  In no way do I think I'm getting depressed, but I'm just being careful and so this mood had to go.

And then Thursday happened.  But let's back up to Wednesday.

Wednesday I get a picture message from the hubby: Buster has puked up something bright lime green.  Neither of us can figure out what he ingested that is causing him to puke up this color, but he seems fine - his normal happy, puppy self, so we weren't not too worried.  (We finally figure out it was the stuffing from one of his dog beds.  Mmm, yummy.)

But then he puked more.  And again.  And just tiny bit more Thursday morning.  Great.  So lots of cleaning up there.

Work on Thursday was annoying as well, but in ways that aren't worth going into because they're only annoying to me.  In addition, I tried to get new remote entry key fobs for my car because mine wasn't working and the hubby misplaced his... yeah, but I couldn't because the transponder seems to be broken.  So tack that on to the necessary repairs for my car.  We're going to end up paying half of what a semester at Columbia costs.

So after work I head home, ready to quick change and grab Buster and head over to puppy class (agenda: leash walking!).  Instead, I come home to a hallway full of diarrhea.  (Sorry, but there's just no good way to lead into that.)  Now it was Oreo's turn to be sick.  So the hubby and I scramble to clean up and get to puppy class (only five minutes late).  Buster does a wonderful job of appearing only semi-incorrigible and we head home... to face more diarrhea.  We clean up, go out to dinner, make a quick trip to Target, and come home... to puke.  Now Oreo is puking.  Repeatedly.  And continues to gag and dry-heave and spit up white foam until around 11pm.  Every time the hubby cleaned up, she would puke somewhere else.

I Googled the hell out of "dog diarrhea puking white foam" and called the vet's emergency number.  They said it sounded like she got into something she shouldn't have and that we could bring her in if we wanted to.  We opted not to, so instead I sat and just watched her to make sure she was breathing and not seizing.

Eventually we went to bed but after an hour, Oreo woke us up to go out - so the hubby took her out.  After that, she seemed fine but we were beyond beat.

This morning both Oreo and Buster were happy, cheery, tail wagging, treat-eating puppers.  Buster was scampering around the kitchen with a rawhide and toy in his mouth (at once) while he also batted around a tennis ball.  (What can I say, he's a multi-tasking genius pupper.)  Oreo went out, had her morning treat, and happily retreated for her first nap of the morning.

It was like someone said, "Oh, are you worried about managing a baby?  Here, let's give you a little test run so you can see how you make it through."  Yeah, thanks, you can take your test run and shove it.

And Friday?  Well, Friday was going to be better, right?  And I suppose it was since I haven't cleaned up puke or diarrhea.  It's a pretty low bar for what makes a good day, but I guess it's something.  I suppose I'd rather deal with students asking inane questions and a chair that makes my ass go numb than clean up puke.

And if you want a bit more of what annoyed me this week, check out my latest at WeAreTheRealDeal: I'm Pregnant, I'm Fat - and I'm Okay

For now, I'm looking forward to Saturday.  It's sonogram time, time to pick up the framed pictures from our wedding, and time to get some work done around the apartment (baby prep!) - all very good things, all happy-making things.  So let's hang on to that.  And the Oscars are on Sunday; can't wait to see what everyone is wearing.  (It's honestly what I care about most about the awards these days since the awards themselves are mostly meaningless.)

So baby stuff, more baby stuff, and fashion stuff.  That will make for two good days as Thursday and Friday fade away...

Thursday
04Mar2010

Down After Up

After Tuesday's post about how pregnancy has brought on "manly" behavior, I thought about how one behavior got left out: that ability most men seem to have to just go with the flow and not get caught up in details.  Simply, the ability to enjoy life for what it is and relax about planning.  Be in a good mood.

I was going to write about that . . . and then, for the first time in nearly my entire pregnancy so far (29 weeks now), my mood tanked.  TANKED.

I've been amazed thus far by how happy I've been throughout the pregnancy.  It's been like that whole "pregnancy glow" thing isn't a joke.  At times, it's been like I could feel it emanating from me.  I've even found myself being remarkably more patient with usually frustrating students.

But Tuesday, that all hit a wall.  Not so big as to say it hit a brick wall, maybe just enough to say it hit a padded wall... but there's been a change.

I felt anxious on and off throughout Tuesday, like I was nervous and couldn't catch my breath at times.  Then in class, as the professor was just beginning to start class, I was skimming my email and Twitter on my netbook.  A classmate - a woman in her 50s, if I had to guess - said, "Could you please shut down your email?"  I was so aggravated by this that I couldn't even focus on the class discussion for the next twenty minutes.  Who was she to tell me to shut down my email?  We're in damn grad school and if I want to skim Twitter before I start taking notes, I am damn well free to do so.

I sat there, plotting out just how rude I planned to be to her when we had to do our small group discussions - but of course, I wasn't rude to her at all.  I regret not saying something, though - not asking if it was distracting her or something, just to see if that was the case or if she was just feeling condescending and judging me for not being 100% into the opening discussion.

In short, I spent way too much time being upset about her request (even if I still think it was condescending and rude).  I couldn't shake it when I went home, either.  It was like something was teetering all day and that just pushed it off the edge.  And I hadn't gotten much sleep Monday night (five hours) so I figured that was contributing.

But then yesterday wasn't much better.  I felt the same sadness and general funk.  I moped my way to the lab to get blood drawn before work and then, as I was leaving, a woman stopped to ask me directions to a particular street.  I pointed the way and she then asked specifically if a certain pharmacy was there - the pharmacy that my grandparents used to go to when they lived in the nursing home on the same block.  For some reason, having her ask that and then thinking about them made me burst into tears when I got in my car.  I wasn't particularly close to my grandparents (they didn't speak any English, so that makes it hard to build a relationship) but I loved them and do miss them sometimes.  However, I don't think that's what this was about.

What it is about, though, I'm still not sure.  I was fine throughout most of the day.  Not necessarily perky, but occasionally cheery and functional overall.  But after work, I felt sad again - and I do this morning, again.  It seems to be a morning/night thing.

If I had to guess, I'd vote hormones and nerves.  I'm starting to get nervous about actually having a baby.  Not the birth itself, but the actual responsibility... the LIFE-LONG RESPONSIBILITY THAT OMG NEVER ENDS that comes with having a baby.  I keep worrying about how we have nothing set up for The Force, even though he's due in 11 weeks - and, you know, babies can come early and OMG WHAT IF HE'S BORN AND HE HAS NO WHERE TO SLEEP.  Those are the thoughts racing through my head.

These are the times I'm a bit jealous of the hubby for actually being the man and not having to carry around The Force all day.  He has the option to actually forget about all of that now and again.  I can't because either I'm getting kicked or having to adjust my clothing at all points of the day.  I don't get to stop thinking about what we're entering into and I think I'm starting to feel overwhelmed.

I'm really not sure how to calm down, either.  I don't have much available quiet time, especially with Buster around, and I can't cozy up to a glass of wine.  I'm not sure what else there is.

I still feel the general good mood, though.  It's there; it pops up when I smile at an extremely annoying student - and actually mean the smile.  It's there when I look at our baby registry and can't wait to have our little boy use all those things.  So I think there's still plenty of up mood to come.  I don't want The Force to feel this sadness - I feel like that will contribute negative things to how he's forming right now.  He deserves to feel happiness and excitement and joy.  So, for one of the few times in my life, I'm actually working at being cheery.  At focusing on the positive.  At NOT wallowing in a sour mood, but instead working to kick it to the curb.

Tuesday
22Dec2009

Pondering the death of Brittany Murphy

My latest post at We are the Real Deal, Are we all just bricks in the wall?, is up.

It's all speculation right now as to why she died, but there is little doubt that her health needed more quality (i.e. not tabloid) attention than it was getting.  Even if she had a congenital heart problem and her death truly was due to natural causes, the fact that everyone automatically leaps to blame eating disorders and drug use is telling.  Is this the new norm?  Do we just expect this now?  Are we not supposed to actually care?  What can we do?

Tuesday
24Nov2009

7 Quick Tuesday Takes - gratitude edition

For Thanksgiving dinner, my family goes around the table and says what they're thankful for.  There are always some laughs and always some tears.  It was particularly hard the past few years while my brother was away at law school and couldn't come home for the holiday because it was right before final exams.  My sister is hosting this year, but the hubby and I are going to his parents' house for dinner and then to my sister's for dessert.  (What to make, what to make??)

On Thursday I'll post what I'm thankful for this year (as if it wouldn't be easy to figure out) but today I wanted to note some less obvious things I'm thankful for - things inspired by the students I work with.

I may harp on some of the ideas they have or less-than-brilliant things they do or say, but I don't acknowledge often enough what some of them go through.

1) Yesterday one student was telling her friend she just found out she's pregnant, but she can't tell her mother because her mother would probably push her down the stairs.  The reason for this?  "She thinks kids ruin your life; like, she's always telling me how I ruined hers."  That just broke my heart.  I'm grateful that everyone I know is happy and positive about my pregnancy.

2) The same newly-pregnant student was telling her friend how she was so relieved that her fiance reacted happily to the news.  I never thought twice about how the hubby would react to this pregnancy.  I knew he'd be happy and nervous and somewhat scared, just like me.  I'm so grateful, so very grateful, that I already knew I had him to count on for this.

3) One student I know very well was recently evicted from his home - he, his mom, and his brother - and he's in charge of arranging things like that, so he had to quickly find a new home for his mom and brother, meet with landlords, sign the lease, and so on.  It's a lot of responsibility for someone who's 21 or 22.  I'm grateful that he's wise enough and mature enough to shoulder that responsibility.  I'm not sure I could have at that age.

4) It's a commuter campus (no dorm) and some students spend all day on campus, even when they don't have class, because they don't have anywhere else to go.  They don't want to be home because it's not a pleasant situation and they don't have any friends or family they can rely on.  They don't have a place they can call "home."  In addition, some of these students also don't have cars and so they are at the mercy of the public transportation system and their friends' availability for rides.  I haven't always had the most reliable cars, but I always had friends to help me out and I always, always had somewhere I could go.  I always had a home I could count on and several other "homes" I could go to in case I didn't want to be at my own.

5) Their comments and conversations often indicate just how sheltered their life has been - and I don't mean sheltered in the privileged, everything handed to them kind of way.  I mean sheltered as in not given enough opportunities to learn about and explore the world beyond their hometown.  Last week two students (not mine) were talking about the food donation box at school and wondering why someone would donate mac 'n cheese.  "How is a homeless person going to make mac 'n cheese?  It's not like they have water to boil it.  What are they going to do, crunch on the shells and lick the powdered cheese?"  I was really aggravated to hear this, but I also felt sad because clearly the students had no idea that a large number of people who frequent food pantries and soup kitchens these days do have jobs AND homes; they just can't afford their home and food, so they pay the rent but there's nothing in the refridgerator.  I thought about saying something to the students, explaining this to them, but I didn't . . . and every day since, I wish I had.  I'm glad my parents raised me to be aware of the varying levels of hardships there are in the world and to know that it's not black and white.  It's not that you're homeless and poor or you have a home and you're set.  You can have a home and still be struggling and hungry.  I'm sure some of my other students know that personally.

6) I wrote once before about how a couple of female students were discussing the Chris Brown/Rihanna abuse (around the time it happened) and I was shocked to hear them say it was a shame because their relationship was "a real fairytale" and that what happened between them was nobody's business but their own because "you know, like, sometimes a bitch needs a beat-down."  It makes me so immensely sad that these girls believe this.  I can't help but think it's something they learned growing up and I'm so glad I was taught to have respect for myself and it was nobody's place to touch me without my permission.

7) I'm grateful these students are in college.  I don't work at top tier schools, but that's okay by me.  In fact, I actually like it better that way. I know college isn't for everyone and it's clearly not for some of the students I know/have known.  But they're trying.  They know they need to work hard and have goals, whether the path to those goals is through college or not.  I'm glad that despite the other hardships or misinformation in their lives, they have come away with this much.

Monday
05Oct2009

Does this post make me look fat?

Both the hubby and I hate the "Does this make me look fat?" question.  His response when he hears the question: "No, your fat makes you look fat."  Basically, you are who you are.  Sure, certain clothing items are more flattering than others, but why is it always fatness that is a concern?  How about shortness? (Not that being short is bad, but it seems to bother some people.)  Or sallow?  Some stuff makes my skin tone look terribly unflattering.  But you don't often hear those questions.

The number one item on my 101 in 1001 list is was "Lose 60 pounds."  I have decided that I am going to revise this, but haven't yet come up with the exact new wording.  The spirit of the goal will remain the same - to be healthy and happy about my body - but less prescriptive and stringent.

Lately I've heard too many friends and acquaintances, male and female, say negative things about items they ate or lazy days they allowed themselves.  This is hard for me to hear because I believe in everything in moderation and that you can't push and drive yourself all the time.  I believe there's more harm done in denying yourself a cupcake or pasta at all times than allowing yourself one/some once in a while.  Should you have a cupcake every day?  Well, that's up to you.  You're certainly free to.  I wouldn't because there are other things I'd rather eat and if I eat a cupcake in place of or in addition to those items, I won't feel well and will probably gain weight that I don't want to gain.  But those are my reasons and preferences and they don't need to be anyone else's.

Did you know that there was a survey not long ago where researchers showed a group of Americans and a group of French a picture of chocolate cake and asked them to come up with one word to describe it?


What would you call me?

The number one American answer?  Guilt.  The number one French answer?  Celebration.  Do I even need to lay out the point there?

It's so easy to criticize the choices we make and so hard to accept them unapologetically.  I ate a cupcake yesterday.  So there.  And I had some pasta on Saturday.  Double so there.  But they were part of my scope of eating for those days.  And now?  I have half a tray of cupcakes at home and I don't even want one.  If I hadn't eaten that one yesterday, I'd probably be sitting here thinking about them nonstop.

But, again, that's me.  That's my relationship with food - something I am slowly working at learning and understanding more about.  All the energy and time we spend hating ourselves can be used so much more productively if we love ourselves and speak more positively about ourselves.  (I'm not usually so hippie-ish with the "we should love ourselves" stuff - writing that just made me gag a little - but in this case it's the only phrasing that feels true.)

I don't profess to have all the answers - far from it, really.  But I'm actively seeking and learning.

PS - As a point of humor, the spellcheck system on here does not recognize "cupcake" but suggests "cupcakes" as a substitute.  Even the blog editing system has issues. ;)