Community and Beauty

For Reverb 10:

December 7 – Community.  Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010?  What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?  

I joined the community of mothers/parents.  I tend to prefer not to separate the categories of "mother" and "parent" but I will admit that I have felt a special connection with other mothers this year.  It's definitely deepened my relationship with my sister (who has two children).  And there are times I just feel this connection take over my face.  The look I give a woman with a baby or struggling toddler at the store just feels different now, like the muscles of my face have the ability to emote more/better empathy that they did before.  I always felt bad for the mother/parent with the screaming baby at the store, but now I just really feel it in my heart.  Literally, I feel a tug in my chest now when I see that familiar scene.  I definitely feel like I've gained entry to a club of sorts.

The community I miss the most is the writing/poetry/publishing world.  I'm dying to attend a poetry reading or the release of a poetry journal.  Maybe in 2011 I'll find a night to do that.

December 8 - Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.

This prompt was contributed by one of my very favorite bloggers, Karen Walrond of Chookooloonks, whose book, The Beauty of Different: Observations of a Confident Misfit, is on my not-really-real Christmas list.  (If I get a Barnes and Noble gift card for Christmas, it's the book I'm buying with it.)  I've really changed my thoughts on beauty this year by really reading and thinking about the things Karen writes.

When she recently asked, "What makes you beautiful?" I responded that I'm beautiful because my husband tells me so every day and I believe him.  I don't make excuses or contradict him (usually) and instead just say thank you.  Sure, I have my off days - days where a shirt doesn't fit right and I feel fat because of it.  But, now, I do look at the shirt and say, "Okay, it's the shirt.  I haven't changed so it's not me."  I think it takes many people, especially women, a while to get to that point and it feels really good to be here.

My unique (hubby would say "lack of") sense of humor makes me different.  My inclination to love "depressing" music over anything else makes me different.  And, I'd venture to say that these two things are related.  I was a sensitive, slightly outcast, outsider-looking-in, introspective teenager and those years still resonate so strongly with who I am and continue to be.

My past makes me different and makes me beautiful because it's created how I see and enjoy the world.

Release and Create

For Reverb 10:

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? 

This was a hard one (as evidenced by the many people saying so in their Reverb 10 entries and tweets - points to Alice of Finslippy - one of my fave bloggers - for making everyone work for their prompt).

I gave up a lot since I had a baby this year.  I gave up free time, sleeping in, shopping, most of my reading time, trips out of town... the list goes on and on.

But I think the biggest thing I let go of this year was judgment.

I'll be honest.  I truly believed that many parents just had poor time management skills.  Well, okay, if I'm really being honest, I'll admit that I do still think that is the case.  However, I now have a much better understanding of the time it takes to get anything done with a baby.  Even if I still believe certain parents have poor time management skills, I don't judge them in the way I did before.  They're still trying and to me that's all that counts now.

And when I see kids screaming in stores, I don't automatically blame the parents.  I know now - sometimes it's them, but often it's the child and it's just a part of the growing process.  (For an illustration of uncooperative children, I could post my sister's holiday card with Santa - my 2 1/2 year old nephew is screaming, crying hysterically and my 1 year old niece is completely asleep.)

Maybe it's because I don't want people judging me when I'm late for an appointment because it takes me forever to get Nate in the car seat or on that day in the future when he has a meltdown at Target, but I just have more understanding now that I'm a mom - more understanding, more patience, and more sympathy, across the board, for anyone, parent or not.

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

Well, the last thing I made, I suppose, was the chicken pot pie I made this weekend for the hubby and I to eat for lunch/dinner for a couple of days.  It's really quite delicious, if I do say so myself (and the hubby says so, too, many times over, so I know it's good).  It's helped me feel a bit proud of myself, too, because I tweaked the recipe ever-so-slightly and it's still good, not a disaster.  And I didn't have the exact ingredients on hand, so I improvised (like frozen carrots instead of fresh).  To me, it's evidence of how much more comfortable I'm becoming in the kitchen, which in turn is beginning to feel like this huge relief because I always wondered how I was going to manage to feed a family every day when I have no "regular" or "standby" recipes.  Now I'm beginning to see how I'm going to do this and how I'll still keep it interesting and provide nutritional variety for ourselves.

What I want (intend!!) to make: this book wreath.  I already know what book I'm going to use and have it set aside (it's a favorite book that I have several copies of - the one I'm going to sacrifice is a cheapie $5 version).  Now I just need a few bucks for the craft supplies and to borrow my sister's glue gun... oh, and maybe an afternoon of free time.  I even already know where I'm going to hang it when it's done (our dining room).

Do you feel the reverb?

"Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next. The end of the year is an opportunity to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

I've been debating whether or not to participate in Reverb10, but I've decided to go for it because I'm a bit of a reflection addict - but also because I believe reflection and looking forward is very important (and one of my favorite parts of this time of year).

Today's prompt:

December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

It's cliche, but I would choose change.  One year ago today, I was pregnant and not yet a mother.  Someone close to me was suffering from addiction and deep in denial.  We were living in a small apartment.

This year I became a mother: I gave birth. I had a son. I met Nate.  All the ways I can put this, it is simply the biggest change ever in my life.  I have changed in so many ways because of him - my heart is more open, my patience has grown, my sympathy for others has grown.  And my life has changed - everything has become more difficult, yet so much is significantly more meaningful now.  And we've moved.  And my family dynamic, on both sides, has changed significantly this year (although mostly in ways I can't/won't talk about online).  My job has changed too (but is also something I generally won't talk about).

For 2011, I choose peace.  At this time next year, I want to look back and think, "I felt really at peace this year."  Things can be challenging while you still feel at peace about them - and that is what I'm striving for next year.

December 2 Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

Well, first there's that gosh darn job - and, well, I really just can't do much about that.  And then there's my little peanut.

Who, at this point, I already spend enough time away from due to said aforementioned job, so I'm not really looking to eliminate any of the time I spend with him.

So what I have to do is steal time from other things.  I can't eliminate anything these days.  Well, I'm sure I could eliminate some television, but I don't even watch so much of that - or at least less than I used to.  So, okay, I could probably eliminate some, but I feel like that's the time I use to decompress.  It lets my brain function without having to be overly active.  Writing could do that too, though.  I guess I'm just not willing to let that one hour of television go (I watch about one hour before I go to bed).

I have found wonderful thinking time during my walks with the dog in the morning.  I would probably also find that at night, but I don't like walking the dog at night - I spend too much energy being freaked out and not calm.  I'm okay if I walk him around 7pm, but he needs a late walk (10:30 - 11:00pm) and I'm just too scared at that point.  Needlessly scared, probably, but it doesn't change the fact that it freaks me out.

So I take my moments in the morning walks and sometimes in the car.  But really, I think the way my life is right now, it just doesn't lend itself to focused thinking and writing - and it won't for a while.  'Tis the nature of a baby and a puppy, and I have to accept that for what it is at this time.  I will have more time again... just not in the immediate future.