I used to volunteer for the literary magazine Epiphany.  I started out as Assistant Poetry Editor, and when the Poetry Editor resigned she suggested me as the new Poetry Editor, which I think the Editor-in-Chief agreed to only because I'd work for free.  I hadn't yet finished my B.A. while the rest of the editorial staff all had their MFAs or MAs (or both), so I felt pretty proud of holding my own with them.  I had to quit the role when I moved to south Jersey for grad school, which I hated to do because I absolutely adored reading all the poetry submissions that came in and deciding which five or six made the issue.  Here's one of the poems I selected back in the day:

The Way of Drinking Water
By Daniel John

I surround you
like a lake
I do not
flood you
I lap
at your
gates
and
wait

Amazing, right?  Such beauty in such a short space.  The poems I chose have stayed with me through the years; when I read them, it's like I just chose them last week.

Shortly after I worked there, one of the founding editors, Douglas Light, published a novel, East Fifth Bliss:

As my tagline goes, I own the book but haven't read it yet.  I know, I know, bad former co-staff member.  I have to get around to it now, though . . . because it's being made into an independent film!  And this isn't one of those little independent films, no.  This film is starring Michael C. Hall and Lucy Liu.  This is the big time.

I'm so very happy for Doug, but so very, incredibly jealous.  To have a novel published?  So awesome.  To then have that novel made into a film??  Wow.  Beyond awesome.

I want to do that.  That's been my dream for a really long time - to not only write a book, but to then have it made into a film.  It's a dream I don't think or talk about much because I don't see how I can fit it in to my life.  No, that's a lie - I can see how it would fit in; I just don't see myself getting up early just to write, as truly good and dedicated writers do.

But maybe it'll still happen some day.  The Pioneer Woman wrote the story of how she and her husband, Marlboro Man, met and fell in love - Black Heels to Tractor Wheels - and posted it to her blog - and now it's going to be published as a novel and Columbia Pictures has acquired the film rights (and Reese Witherspoon is interested in the film!).  Another blogger I read, Katie at Confessions of a Young Married Couple, has a book agent and is writing a book as well.

Augh.  Okay, truthfully, I am happy for these folks.  They work hard for what they achieve.  But, really, I am so green with envy that you can just call me Kermit.  I'm envious that they had the motivation to achieve what they wanted.  I hate that I'm going to be 35 in two months and I haven't become the writer I wanted to be five years ago.

So now I'm blue, as well as green.  I guess that's better than being black and blue.  (Buh-dum-dum, I'll be here all week.)

But I recognize this is one of those things where I have the complete power to change this.  All I have to do is get writing.  Writing is like building muscle - the more you do it, the stronger you get.  This blog helps me continue to feel like a writer, but I think I need to also do some writing for myself.  I often think about it (and have thought about it often for years) but never do it.  Something always gets in the way.  The last time I wrote privately regularly was five years ago when I finished my B.A.

Then there was grad school, and moving, and the wedding, and being married, and new jobs, grad school again, pregnancy, and now Nate.  There will always be something.  If I wait for there to be nothing, not only will the writing never happen, I won't have anything to write about - and that would be the truly sad time.  I'm glad I have so much going on; I love life that way - now I just need to channel that onto pages.