Dear R.E.M.: Thank you.

Today, R.E.M. announced they are ending their time as a band.

Look to the left. That little "Follow me, don't follow me" above my Twitter updates? An R.E.M. lyric. Down to the right, that "Jefferson, I think we're lost" - also an R.E.M. lyric.

R.E.M. has meant immense things to me and has had huge, far-reaching effects on my life. In the days of the old AOL message boards, I made friends through the R.E.M. board - friends I ended up traveling to Athens, GA to meet. (Athens, GA is where R.E.M. originated, for those without proper R.E.M. schooling.) I traveled to Ohio and Seattle to hang out with them again. They came to NYC and we saw R.E.M. in concert together and made fools of ourselves on an MTV concert, standing in the front row, singing and jumping up and down like we thought we were in the band. I, living outside NYC, had won tickets to that concert through a local radio station. My friends from Seattle won tickets through their local radio station. It was kismet. One time, I travelled to Boston for an R.E.M. concert and ran into my friends from Seattle outside the restrooms. None of us knew the other had planned to attend and stumbled upon each other in a crowd of thousands (resulting in the only time in my life that I've done that girly, squealing, "Oh my god!!!" run and greet).

Even before that, I sat in dorm rooms and analyzed R.E.M. videos with new college friends, talking about them in the way that only nerdy English majors would. I sat with the video of "It's the End of the World as We Know It" on VHS and played it a hundred times, pausing, rewinding, playing, pausing, playing until I had written down what I thought were the exact lyrics (I was close). I then went on to memorize those lyrics because, well, it's simply awesome to be able to sing that song.

(Note for young folks: this was pre-internet so I couldn't just Google the lyrics. If they weren't in the liner notes, you weren't getting them unless you caught a lyric sheet thrown by Michael at a concert.)

When I saw R.E.M. with friends, I told them that if they didn't absolutely scream, "I feel fine!" during the chorus to that song, we couldn't be friends anymore. I once screamed it so hard that I nearly blacked out (and was, therefore, not fine in that moment, but I didn't care).

I've seen R.E.M in concert somewhere around 25 times. I've met all of the band members in person, except for Bill. I've seriously embarrassed myself in front of Michael Stipe exactly twice. I have one tattoo and I got it during that first trip to Athens GA (and it's R.E.M. related, though not blatantly). I have cringed every time some band gets called "the new R.E.M.".

As the news about R.E.M. slowly sinks in, my brain is flooding with scattered memories of all the people I met because of R.E.M., all the road trips I took, all the laughs, all the time figuring out how I wanted to live my life.

When I met Peter Buck, I had him sign my booklet for Automatic for the People and told him that album saved my life. He stopped, stared off for a couple of seconds, then looked back at me and said, "Yeah, me too. Me too."

R.E.M. helped me find myself in my teens and 20s. They're an essential piece of the fabric that is me. When most people I know hear something about R.E.M., they think of me (and tell me so) - and I love that. I love that when people I know hear something about the band, they think, "Ooh, I've got to tell her I heard this." R.E.M. continues to connect me to people.

So, today's news brought me to tears. The end of R.E.M. is the end to a part of my life. But the music and the memories will continue to exist, to be called upon whenever I wish or need.

One of the songs that has defined me above every other:

River poet search naivete

So, thank you, R.E.M. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Sing, sing a song

Nate loves music. This comes as no surprise since 1 - most babies and kids love music (it's really innate), 2 - I love music, 3 - the hubby loves music and can play the guitar, 4 - my brother also plays guitar - and the list goes on. Everyone in both our families love music and several people play various instruments.

Nate loves to play his stand-up keyboard, shake his tambourine, and drum on every available surface. So I would love to sign Nate up for a baby/toddler music group. I think he'd love the music and the interaction with other babies his age would be great.

The problem? The class near us either meets when I'm at work, the one night I work late every week, or on Saturday at 9am. Are we home on Saturday at 9am? Sure. Are we awake? Not so much. Even Nate is just barely waking up at 9. So to get us all up, showered, dressed, fed, and out the door by 8:45 is not going to happen.

I'm really frustrated by this because this is something reasonably priced that I would really, really love for Nate to be able to take part of AND for the hubby and I to do with him.

This is when I hate working. If I was home, Nate would be going to this music class, story time at the local bookstore, play time at the park. There'd be so much I'd be able to do with him. I wouldn't have to try and squeeze it all in on the weekends and try to balance being a good mom with getting my homework done.

The Spring music classes go for 10 weeks from April to June. Maybe the next season of classes for Summer will have a session that better suits our schedule. I've looked for other music groups, but this is one of the best and one of the few around, surprisingly. I always thought there were tons of little groups around for parents to take babies/toddlers to, but maybe there's not? Or maybe I'm just not looking the right places?

Monday 5!

If you're new to the Monday Five Countdown, it started one day when I got tired of starting every work week feeling annoyed at or dreading something. I decided instead to focus on the things I'm grateful for and to simply mention and (hopefully) move on from the things needling away at me. I have found that it honestly helps so I highly suggest giving it a try. :)

Five Things I'm Grateful For

1. Apparently places not all that far from us got more snow today? SOOOO grateful we didn't!!

2. After months (MONTHS!!!) without a working dryer, we have one! I have never been so happy to do laundry, seriously.

3. We finally bought new bath mats. They are midnight blue and plush and fluffy. My feet felt happy and warm getting out of the shower this morning.

4. Nate has had a bit of a cold for a week; he's been coughing and sneezing -  basically shooting boogers all over the place - and hasn't been very interested in eating. However, he's getting better which means fewer boogers and more food. Good signs!

5. Our friend Mickey (the mouse) has not reappeared since yesterday afternoon. Hopefully we never see him again.

Bonus item of gratitude: the hubby ate strawberries in a salad on Saturday! He hates strawberries but somehow these were acceptable (in this very yummy salad from Scary Mommy). Hurrah! Bring on more fruit this summer!

Four Things I Can't Stop Thinking About

1. My teeth. I need to make an appointment for the dentist because I'm pretty sure I have a cavity and the tooth is starting to bother me regularly.

2. Wednesday is the start of Lent and while I am not really religious, I do like to partake in the practice of giving something up for Lent as a way to strengthen my resolve and test myself a bit as a person. This year I'm giving up something kind of huge, for me. Tune in Wednesday for the meltdown.

3. Mushrooms. I hate them. The hubby hates them. However, so many recipes I'd want to make include them. I want to know what I can use as a substitute so the proportions of the recipe aren't thrown off (i.e. I don't end up with too much broth in a soup or too much sauce in a pasta dinner). Any suggestions?

4. Sectionals. We still don't have a sofa in the living room (just a loveseat, an armchair, and the glider). Nate's first birthday and party will be in two months (two months??) and we probably should have some more seating by then.

Three Things I Want To Accomplish This Week

1. Finish half of the two research projects I have to work on for school.

2. Clean the kitchen floor. Really, really well.

3. Find the bottom of my hamper. It's been months since we've had a single day with a completely empty hamper. Now that we have a working dryer, it's time!

Two Things I Am Working To Be Positive About

1. Buster. He's back in stabbing-danger territory again. As per Liza's suggestion (thank you Liza!!!), we bought Buster a smaller crate and removed his blanket/towel from it. This way he will be reluctant to pee in there since he'd have to lay in it. And it worked - two mornings in a row now! However... he peed on the kitchen floor THREE TIMES yesterday. He hasn't done that even once in at least over a month.  WTF dog?? *sigh* I don't know if the new crate made him angry or it was the downpouring rain that made him not want to pee outside. I just don't know. I just know that the hubby hasn't been that angry at Buster in quite a while. But today is really beautiful out (if a bit chilly) and he didn't pee in the crate this morning so maybe, hopefully, it was the rain and we can have our first pee-free day in ages.

2. That really might be it. Buster is draining all of my "working to be positive" energy right now. Please, Buster, get on track and be a good dog so I can go back to worrying about things like chipped manicures.

One Random Thing

1. According to the hubby, Nate said, "Thank you" at the story the other day, repeating it after the hubby said it to the cashier. Considering Nate doesn't say any words (just babbles a lot), I find this incredibly hard to believe but apparently the cashier heard it and said, "You're welcome, little man." So, really, were Nate's first words, "Thank you"?? Do babies have first phrases instead of words? We're pretty sure he tries to say "Buster" sometimes and he was saying something that sounded like "bug" when I was saying "books" to him yesterday, so I don't know... but I think some words are on their way!

Bonus random thing: new R.E.M. album comes out tomorrow! Yay!!!!!

 Do you do the Monday Five Countdown?  Link up below!  I want to read them :-)



The Sounds of a Break

This week is break week at my job (the school runs on the quarter system, so the winter quarter just ended and the spring quarter starts next week).

What this means practically is that I don't have to be around any students this week.  Lest you misunderstand me, let me say for certain that it's not that I dislike students.  I wouldn't have put in this much time and academic study (past and ongoing) if I didn't really, really, really like college students.

But that said, sometimes one needs a break.  It's great to have a week where I don't have to overhear the current relationship dramas or odd theories on life or watch them all greet each other hello with kisses on the cheek (that totally grosses me out - I'm just not that kind of greeter).  No having to explain that the stapler isn't broken, it just needs staples.  And, no, the printer isn't broken either - it just needs paper.  Yes, that paper right there - the one you can reach with your own fingers and put in the printer all by yourself.  Yay, so big!  Clap hands!

I need this break, you see.

The other great thing is that I get to listen to music.  I have little speakers for my iPod, which I set up and just let go for the week.  In my previous jobs, I could always listen to music because I had my own office or a cubicle that blocked the music from anyone else.  But here, I can't play any music because the room is so small and it's a study center.  I can't wear headphones because, well, I need to be ready to answer a the-printer-is-out-of-paper-emergency (!!!) at a moment's notice.

So far today I've heard The Cure, Keane, the B-52s, Coldplay, Morrissey, Britney Spears (shut up), The Bangles (who doesn't love "Hazy Shade of Winter"??) and a slew of others.  Oddly, no R.E.M. yet - odd because R.E.M. probably occuplies 1/3 of my iPod. 

But I have a whole week.  I'll get to them... and then some.  Ahhh....

Walking through the woods I have faced it
Looking for something to learn
30,000 thoughts have replaced it,
Never in my time to return.

I would give my life to find it;
I would give it all.
~R.E.M. "Texarkana"

Feeling Lucky, Which Makes Me Cry

I always feel like Friday posts should be upbeat.  So while I have 3/4 of a finished post in the can about my current political concerns, I think I'll save that for the weekend (when no one reads anyway, ha).

But my upbeat-ness today isn't forced; it's amazingly true.

Last night was my 32 week (!!) OB appointment.  Since we're at the point where it's not impossible for something to happen (ex. early labor), I wanted to ask a few questions: If something were to happen (like labor starting), what do I do?  Where do I go?  Who do I call first?

You'd think that's easy - you go to the hospital... ah, yes, but which one?  My natural instinct would be to go to the one we plan to birth at - except it doesn't have a NICU, so if I go into labor before 35 weeks, I should head to a different hospital.  Good to know, right?

This lead to a discussion of how I hope for the birth to go and how my OB generally runs these things.  If you follow women's health news, you know that C-sections are on the rise but ongoing research shows many of them are unnecessary and, in fact, potentially more harmful than vaginal birth (if there were no baby-endangering complications).

I don't want a c-section.  At all.  Thankfully, my doctor is 100% on board with that.  He said they're overdone, often unnecessary, and cause a more difficult recovery for the mother.  He also talked about ongoing research about believed possible benefits to the baby due to a vaginal birth - something about the bodily chemicals they pick up or create during the process.  In addition, because I've had abdominal surgery previously, that adds an additional - and significant - potential complication.

So basically, unless it's a dire emergency, no c-section.

I next asked when I should go to the hospital.  He said, "Well, basically, you don't want to rush it."  I told him I wanted to labor at home for as long as possible (as long as is healthy) and he supported that.  Hurrah!  I explained that I also didn't want to be induced and he nodded and again stated information about the complications that follow induction, which is yet another reason not to go to the hospital early (the earlier you get there, the antsier people get, the more likely you are to be induced).  Hurrah again!

I left his office feeling like I was walking on a cloud. The only two things we haven't discussed yet are pain management and episiotomies.  I do NOT (NOT!) want an episiotomy.  Period.  I didn't feel like bringing that up just yet, though.

As for pain management... I think about it a lot.  Here's my dilemma: the use of an epidural increases ALL of the things I don't want: use of Pitocin, strained pushing which "necessitates" an episiotomy, and possible c-section.

But here's what else I don't want: massive, unbearable, omg-I'm-not-going-to-make-it pain.  I'm not good with pain.  I become unbearable to be near if I have a headache.  A *headache*.  As much as I would honestly love to try to have a fully natural birth, I really do not believe that I could - and a huge part of it is being able to believe that you can do it.

I have friends who had an epidural and then needed a small amount of Pitocin to get things moving along and then had very positive delivery experiences and their babies are fine.  It is possible . . . but so are a lot of other outcomes.

But yesterday's conversation with my OB makes me believe that whenever I do discuss this with him, I will be happy about the outcome.

I read a lot about women struggling, fighting for the birth experience they want.  I feel so, so, so very lucky that my doctor is on the same page as me.  There are so many things I'm thinking about and worrying about now that it's nice to know I don't have to worry that I'll have to fight for what I want once labor starts.

It's a dreary, rainy day here in northeastern NJ, which always brings to mind a specific Simon & Garfunkel lyric from Kathy's Song.  I love this lyric and have often thought of it in terms of a romantic relationship, but today it struck me differently and as I listened to it in the car on my way to work (twice), I found myself crying and thinking about this new relationship I'm kind of already in with the baby and just how lucky I am to have had this wonderful journey so far and how, despite my fears and worries, I am really looking forward to meeting him and being his mom.

And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true.
I stand alone without beliefs;
The only truth I know is you.

And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die,
I know that I am like the rain;
There but for the grace of you go I.