The final week of daycare (for now)

Today begins Nate's final week at daycare. With our earnings what they are right now, we can't afford to keep him in any longer.

I haven't mentioned it before today because it's breaking my heart, daily, and if I mentioned it too early, I'd be crying about it on here every day (because I'm crying about it every day in real life). I've cried myself to sleep, I've cried in the bathroom at work, I've cried in the car after dropping Nate off at daycare, after picking him up, while rocking him before bed. I cried terribly when I had to write the official email giving the daycare owner our 30 days notice. I couldn't even speak through my tears when I saw her in person and she let me know she got the email and was sorry to see us go. 

Some of the irony in this is not lost on me. I read enough parenting blogs to realize how many parents feel awful because they put their kids in daycare and here I feel awful that Nate's going to have to stay home every day. He was going to daycare three days a week; two of those days my mother-in-law is going to watch him and Kate will be watching him once a week (either the hubby or I am home the other days). They are godsends, for sure, and I'm beyond glad that they're available to help us right now otherwise I have no idea what we would do.

But I keep thinking back to that first day of daycare, when I cried because I felt so terrible that Nate was starting daycare at an age where he was old enough to understand that he was being left with people he didn't know, but wasn't old enough to understand if I explained why to him. It broke my heart to think that he felt confused and abandoned that first day. 

And now, as we have to pull him from daycare, he's just started to not cry when I drop him off. He loves his teachers and he has little friendships building. My niece is out of daycare for the summer (since my sister is a teacher and home for the summer) but when she returns to daycare next month, Nate won't be there. And now, after this week, just as I worried he was going to be confused that first day, now I wonder if he's going to wonder why he doesn't get to go to that fun place with the nice teachers and his friends every day.

I feel awful. I feel like a terrible, terrible parent. I feel like I have completely, utterly let Nate down. You know how when you were little and did something bad, the worst feeling you had was when your parents said, "You disappointed us. We expect more of you. We know you're a better person than this."

That's how I feel now. I've disappointed Nate. By starting him daycare, I feel like I made a promise to him: "Hey, buddy, you get acclimated to this and I promise I won't rip the rug out from under you." And I broke that promise.

And this arrangement isn't without sacrifice on the part of my mother-in-law and Kate, either. They have lives and things going on. And if they get sick or something happens, we're going to have to scramble for what to do.

My main goal now, regardless of what else I have going on, is to get Nate back into daycare. We're cutting every expense where possible, but that's still just going to get us keeping even, I think. We need more income, but with our alternating schedules, neither of us has the free time for a second job. With grad school starting up again in a few weeks, I won't even have time for freelance work or teaching online (two options that had crossed my mind).

But this withdrawal will be temporary. I don't know how, exactly, we're going to find our way out of this, but we will. I've conquered a lot of projects and academic programs and goals in my life, but the dedication I feel to this goal is so far beyond what I've felt toward any of those. This is for Nate, and everything about him matters more than anything that's come before. We have to do better for him.

Monday Five Countdown - Slurpee Edition

It's 7-11! Do you go for a free Slurpee today? Where I live (North Jersey, yo), it's going to be 91 degrees today so it's quite possibly a very good idea. Let's be cool and do the Monday Five Countdown for now (Slurpee later).

Five Things I'm Grateful For

1. Nate. I know, I repeat myself weekly on this one - AND I recently read that people who simply repeat the same things they're grateful for don't actually get any benefits from acknowledging that gratitude because they're not really feeling it. But for this, I am. There is not a day that goes by that I am not utterly, truly grateful to the very bottom of my heart that we have Nate.

2. The hubby. If I were married to me, I'd have divorced myself by now. The man has the patience of a saint. (I know a lot of people say this about their spouses, but I really mean it. I would have stabbed myself with a kitchen knife by now if I was married to myself.)

3. The dogs have been really good lately. *knock on wood* We're even integrating them into the rest of the house more, sort of by force since Nate figured out how to move the gate in the dining room and let the dogs into the rest of the house. I figure why fight it. I hate that gate and can't wait for the day that it's no longer necessary at all so I'm happy to work on it now.

4. I have a very busy week at work, but it's the kind of busy that looks good - the kind that looks like, "Hey, she's doing a good job" while also laying the groundwork for the rest of the quarter to go well.

5. Even though it's summer and we're using air conditioners daily now, our PSE&G bill was only a blip higher than last month. Thank heavens.

Four Things I Can't Stop Thinking About

1. An extremely difficult financial decision the hubby and I have made. I don't want to talk about it today, but it is weighing heavy on my heart and mind today.

2. Tonight's dinner. I made a vat of chili yesterday for the hubby and I to eat for the week. Nate didn't like it too much (I think it was a smidge too spicy for him) so I have to figure out something else for him to eat for dinner.

3. Grad school. I have to finish that incomplete from the spring semester (UGH!) and register for classes for the fall. I already missed out on a few classes (they closed) and the days I can take classes are limited due to the hubby's work schedule so this is going to get a little difficult... Well, or, more difficult than it already was. Ack.

4. Friday. I only have to work two hours. Hallelujah.

Three Things I Want To Accomplish This Week

1. Finish the Jay-Z book. I started it but I really just want to get through it so I can return it to the student I borrowed it from.

2. Create the new workshop I'm giving in a class at work next week.

3. Avoid grocery shopping unless Nate needs something or we need a basic staple (milk, eggs, etc).

Two Things I Am Working To Be Positive About

1. Money. We are in a hole. A deep hole. Our basic expenses exceed our income right now and we are having to make some terribly difficult decisions. I can't even be positive about it - right now I'm just trying to hold it together, really.

2. My mood. I haven't been feeling tops, mentally. The money stress is the biggest part of it but I have to find a way to keep my head above water even if that continues to be a struggle.

One Random Thing

1. The final Harry Potter movie comes out this week. I can't wait to see it, but in another way, it's going to break my heart because I can't believe the film side of the series is over. I adore the Harry Potter series (I wrote my master's thesis on it) and could talk about it for hours on end. I'm going to miss having new films to look forward to.

So, what about you? Got a Monday Five going on? Linking up would cheer me up! (No pressure, though.) :)

Monday Five Countdown

Last June 2011 Monday Five Countdown! Let's get this thing rollin'...

Five Things I'm Grateful For

1. My weekends with Nate. The hubby works every Saturday and Sunday (roughly 9-5) so I have two full days with Nate by myself. I thought it might be hard having my only two days off every week spent being the sole parent at home, but I am LOVING it every weekend.

2. Buster did not get sick this weekend. See my "1 random thing" below for details, but for here, just SO grateful he was not sick this weekend.

3. It's break week at work (the week between quarters) so there are no students here, only some co-workers and so it's quiet and I can put my iPod on speakers and listen to whatever I want.

4. My parents went down the shore for the day yesterday and the weather was absolute perfection. I'm glad they had such a great day.

5. This Friday starts "Summer Fridays" at work - meaning I get out at 1pm every Friday until the end of August. Hooray!

Four Things I Can't Stop Thinking About

1. The water park that's one town over from us. There's a park with a playground that also has a little sprinkler park that kids can play in and I'm thinking about taking Nate there this upcoming weekend. I took him there yesterday to try out the baby swing again. Surprisingly, he didn't immediately freak out in it like he always did before so I think we're making some headway. Mostly, though, he just wanted to walk through the park, following the path and chasing his own shadow.

2. Money/budget/bills. Ugh. Don't even want to talk about it.

3. My major project at work. This is a do-or-die week for it and I just want to go lie down and stop thinking about it.

4. The Jay-Z book I borrowed from a student months ago. I really should read it this week and finally give it back to him.

Three Things I Want To Accomplish This Week

1. Read that Jay-Z book!

2. Take Nate to the water park and take pictures.

3. Relax.

Two Things I Am Working To Be Positive About

1. Money. I am worried, hard-core, about paying all our bills - the type of worried where you'd rather just not think about all of it and let it all just happen. (Anyone else do that?) It's like the bill paying version of not studying for a test you're worried about. But in the past day or two, I've made myself feel more positive about it all. We WILL be okay. We WILL get through.

2. Summer. So far the weather has been great. I'm dreading the 90+ degree days but so far we've had beautiful summer weather.

One Random Thing

1. So, yeah, Buster. Friday night we were going to have hot dogs for dinner. I had the water on the stove almost boiling and the hot dogs were lined up, ready to go. I decided to run to the bathroom for a minute and then come back. I come back and I hear plastic crinkling and don't see Buster, so I know he's behind the counter with something. I look at the counter... and the hot dogs are gone. I run around the kitchen island and find Buster with the empty hot dog wrapper.

HE ATE ALL SIX HOT DOGS. In, like, literally a minute. Now, mind you, he's a massive pain in my ass but he's never taken food off the counter before.

I just stood there going, "Oh my god. OH MY GOD.  Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!"

Then I began to worry about the weekend. As mentioned above, the hubby would be working so it'd just be me and Nate . . . and . . . a lot of mess in the kitchen??? Oh god, I hoped not!

And, thankfully - very, very, VERY thankfully - Buster did not get sick in any way over the weekend. No puking, no anything else. He was perfectly fine.

Stupid dog.

So that's my Monday Five! If you do the Monday Five, let me know. Link up! :)

Monday Five Countdown, sadness and gratitude

It's rarely good news when the phone rings at 5am. The hubby's brother called at that time this morning to let us know that the hubby's grandmother, Nana, passed away last night/this morning. So obviously she has been on my mind for most of the day and a lot of what I feel grateful for and am thinking about today is inspired by her.

Five Things I'm Grateful For

1. Nana lived long enough to not only meet Nate, but to see him feeding himself, walking, and saying a few words. She absolutely adored him so I'm glad she had that time with him, even if he's not going to remember her.

2. Baba, my maternal grandmother. She is now the only grandparent between the hubby and I (the only great-grandparent Nate has left). She's a kick-ass eighty-six years old, but those years are catching up with her and I know our time is limited. I am grateful she has lived this long and I have learned so much from her.

3. The day after our first date, I went to the hubby's house (he was then still living with his parents and Nana) and ended up hanging out in the kitchen with his mother and Nana. I immediately felt like family, like they had been welcoming me into their kitchen all my life. To this day, almost six years later, I remember exactly what that felt like and I will forever be grateful for that feeling.

4. Nate continues to acclimate well to daycare. Dropping him off today was almost tear free, almost. For a Monday, that's incredible.

5. The hubby's job is going really well. He's enjoying himself, doing well, and seems to be fitting in. I am a worrier by nature, so I probably won't even fully relax when he's past the three-month probationary period, but all signs point to this job being a good development in our lives.

Four Things I Can't Stop Thinking About

1. Nana. I don't have any details yet on how her last days were or what happened, but I hope she went peacefully. (To be somewhat light about it, though, Nana never went peacefully about anything, so the peace I hope for her is relative, in a way.)

2. Money. We are near the bottom of our reserves and need to get some money coming in just to make ends meet. It's getting very tight because of that lag time between the hubby's last unemployment check and his first paycheck.

3. I want to bake something. I have all sorts of random things around my kitchen - blueberries, apricots, two types of chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, pecans - and I don't know what I want to do with them.

4. Did I mention money?

Three Things I Want To Accomplish This Week

1. Finish a book. Right now I'm reading NurtureShock (and looooving it - I'm even getting my sister to read it) and a student lent me Jay-Z's book, Decoded. The Jay-Z book is definitely outside what I'd normally read, but Oprah said it made her understand the world of hip-hop and rap and that intrigued me. But either way, I want to finish one book this week, at least.

2. Clean the bathroom. (Yes, this is nearly always on the list. Such is the life of a bathroom.)

3. Bake/cook something to bring over to the hubby's family. Cookies? Casserole? Both?

Two Things I Am Working To Be Positive About

1. Hey, did I mention money yet? Daycare ain't cheap, y'all. Seriously. (And the one we go to is actually relatively inexpensive while still being excellent in the care it provides.)

2. This one is more something - well, someone - I am being positive for. Nana was the hubby's maternal grandmother and so his mother is taking this very hard (and this is just after his paternal grandmother passed away just a few months ago). I really love my mother-in-law and I know this time is going to be very hard for her so I am going to do everything I can to bring positive energy.

One Random Thing

1. And by random, I really do mean kind of random for today. It's summer time, so people are wearing lots of wedges and slides (shoes). I can't wear shoes that don't really hug my feet because my feet just slide right out - and if they don't, they end up cramping because I'm scrunching my foot up to hold my shoe on. Anyone else out there with this silly issue?  (I felt like ending on a note of slightly silly.)

So, anyone out there doing the Monday Five today? Let me know. :)

Monday, err, Tuesday Five Countdown

This weekend and yesterday were so busy that I did not get to do this countdown or any of the other blog posts I've got floating in my head.  But it's my countdown so if I want to post it on Tuesday, I shall do so.

Five Things I'm Grateful For

1. My mom had knee replacement surgery yesterday and everything went perfectly.  She's in a lot of pain today, but that's to be expected.  I'm just glad the surgery went well.

2. My student loan check came last Monday so I was able to pay off some creditors, pay the rent, and make sure we're all caught up on bills.  It won't last forever, but it's a tremendous help right now.

3. The hubby was away Sunday night and all day Monday and the dogs were actually good the whole time (read: no "accidents" in the house).  This constitutes a minor miracle and I was incredibly grateful for their behavior.

4. Nate. Being home alone overnight with Nate and the dogs was hard, but it helped having Nate there.  He's small company, but he's the best company.

5. I love having friends who have known me for years and can laugh with me at how different I am now from how I was ten years ago.

Four Things I Can't Stop Thinking About

1. Job hunting.  The hubby needs a FT job and that's a tall order these days.  I just keep looking, looking, looking for him.

2. Tonight's dinner.  I'm making The Pioneer Woman's Beef Stew with Beer and Paprika, but minus the beer.  I'm so in the mood to cook something yummy.

3. Pants.  Stacy and Clinton (you know, What Not To Wear) actually said something on their show last week about pants held together at the waist with a safety pin and how terrible that is.  Probably 3/4 of my work pants are held together with safety pins at the waist (AND need a belt AND are saggy in the butt).  I need new pants.

4. Cooking.  I feel like I'm between cooking phases; I've mastered following recipes and even adapting them a little to my own preferences and experimental wants, but I cannot think abstractly about what to make for dinner or look at a store full of really good ingredients and think about what I could put together without still missing a component.

Three Things I Want To Accomplish This Week

1. Write and post the three blog posts I have on my mind that I want to do.

2. Finish my damn homework.  I'm going to do poorly in my classes at this point.

3. Buy pants.

Two Things I Am Working To Be Positive About

1. Job hunting.  I know a few people who have been out of work for years.  YEARS.  The idea of the hubby being out of work for years makes my heart lurch with nervousness.

2. The dogs.  They were so good yesterday and now today they're bad again - and Oreo is being bad now, too, not just Buster.  It's a major inconvenience.

One Random Thing

1. I went to Trader Joe's to pick up bread to go with tonight's stew and saw they have this:

As I am currently obsessed with all things mint-flavored, I was super psyched to try it.  It's only okay, but I think that's because I was hoping it would taste like a liquid stick of gum and it's much milder than that.  Also, I think it would be better cold (I'm drinking it room temperature).  I bought two so I'll stick the second one in the fridge and see how it goes.

Did you do a Monday Five?  Let me know :)  (Or do a Tuesday or, heck, even a Wednesday Five if you want!  Live boldly!)  ;)