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Entries in marriage (31)

Thursday

Aug122010

Taking One for the Team

Thursday, August 12, 2010 at 6:00AM

The hubby hugged me. "Don't worry honey, when we're done, I'll take one for the team."

This after I was a crabass all weekend and snapped, "What do you WANT?" when he came to say hi while I was washing the dishes. "What's the matter?" "UGH. I just HATE doing dishes." I do hate doing dishes, but what I really hated was everything. else. in. our. life. Our apartment, our schedule, what the hubby watches on TV, how he holds Nate's bottle. Ev.ery.thing.

This, my friends, is the effect of hormonal birth control. Sigh. When I went off it last summer, it was like coming out of a fog; I felt so good. I wasn't irrationally angry during PMS. I felt spirited and happy and very connected to the hubby.

Now it's sort of like how I feel about being thin. I remember it well, but it's a bit hazy. I know it was great. I know I was happy. I know it was easier. I know I didn't want to go back.

But it's hard to have other options. Sure, I could try hormonal birth control methods other than the ring, but I really don't feel like fiddling around. In addition, I don't fully trust the pill because I've read that it's absorbed less effectively if you've had gastric bypass - and that's a chance I don't want to take. There are barrier methods (condom, sponge, etc) but I don't like those for long term use.

So I'm stuck. Maybe if it gets too unbearably miserable, I'll reconsider my position about the pill. But I have to say, I am continually annoyed that there aren't easy, convenient, comfortable options that don't mess with one's hormones. I know there are the barrier methods, but they're not exactly romantic. And, really, I feel like being married means not having to deal with those inconveniences. Is it unfair to theorize that if men had to deal with these raging moods and constant pregnancy fears that there would be an easier birth control method by now?

Oh wait, my husband does have to deal with these raging moods and fears - mine. And there are female scientists. So what's the deal?

The one my husband said he'll take for the team is the vasectomy he's volunteered to have once we're done having children. I appreciate the sentiment, but that decision has its own host of issues. How do we know when we're done? What if we think we're done and a few years later, regret that decision?

It's not something I really have to worry about right now since we know we want at least one more child but definitely not yet (my doctor advised us to wait 18 months before getting pregnant again, which is okay by me). I just hate these moods. But for now, it's my turn to take one for the team so our team doesn't end up with another player too soon.

Candice |

This Little Mommy Stayed Home: a novel

Wednesday, June 23, 2010 at 4:11PM

16. Read 30 books I haven’t read before and blog about them. (24/30)

This Little Mommy Stayed Home

I heard about this book on The Feminist Breeder's radio show (which I listen to as podcasts in my car). Back in March, she had the author, Samantha Wilde, on her show and I was intrigued to hear that TFB related to much of the book. Since I consider her a smart woman, I was curious to read this piece of fiction (though clearly based on real life) that the two women discussed as very relatable.

Reading the novel was an interesting experience. I related to some of it, but I would say that I actually don't relate to enough of it. In fact, the novel made me angry. During her radio show, TFB said she particularly related to how the narrator describes her husband and his behavior. I've been mostly happy with the hubby's behavior since Nate was born, but reading this made me feel like I should be more irritated about it. Weird, right? That said, the hubby is a WAY better husband than the one in the book so it's really not relatable at all.

I did relate to the ongoing sleep deprivation and feelings of going slightly crazy as a (albeit temporary) stay-at-home-mom. The narrator is breastfeeding, so she is getting less sleep than I am since we're bottle feeding but, oddly, that actually just made me feel a mixture of jealous and relieved. I'm glad for the sleep but still sad about not breastfeeding.

To someone who isn't a mom, I'm not sure how interesting this book would be - and I'm glad I didn't read it before Nate was born because I definitely got more out of it now than I would have then. But for someone who is a mom, especially a new one, I would definitely recommend this as a light, fun read. The plot is definitely a page-turner and the ending is really satisfying. It makes for great bedtime reading.

Candice |

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Monday

Jun072010

Apologies, I've made a few

Monday, June 7, 2010 at 7:37PM

Today's NaBloPoMo prompt: Do you owe an apology to anyone? Why?

What I initially find intriguing about this prompt is that there is no "or why not" attached to the question. Shouldn't it be just as interesting if someone doesn't owe anyone an apology?

Let's hope so - because that's where I'm about to go.

Some people have trouble apologizing. I don't. Some women apologize profusely, especially when something isn't their fault. I don't. If you get an apology from me, it is heartfelt and indicates that I truly am sorry for whatever it is I specifically mention in the apology.

For example, I might say you're a worthless driver. Later, I will apologize for being so blunt or short-tempered earlier - but I probably won't apologize for calling you a worthless driver, specifically, because it's probably how I truly feel - something I probably shield from you and use nicer words for.

This art was learned in the world of the call center I worked in during my early-to-mid twenties. You see, people get very angry with customer service reps. Very. Especially when there's nothing you can do about it. And I, for one, hate to (and therefore refuse to) apologize for something that's not my fault. If your insurance company denied your claim, I'm sorry it happened but I won't apologize for it because I don't work for your insurance company. It's a fine line, but it's important. It keeps me from feeling like everything is my fault and it also keeps the other person from feeling like they got something over on me by "getting" me to admit this was my fault in any way, shape, or form.

Arguing is tough. It's one of the biggest things I've had to work on since meeting the hubby - and I think I've gotten much better at it. But I believe one of the reasons we never have something escalate beyond a few sharp words is because we both value honest apologies and never hold off on saying we're sorry for something - even seconds after it happens. It's rare that I say something to the hubby that I'll feel sorry for that I don't feel sorry for nearly immediately... and I figure, why waste time not apologizing when I know I want to? Life is too short and love is too precious for that.

There have been a few apologies that took me years, and always because the other person reached out to me first - and there isn't a single one of those that I don't regret resolving sooner. And that's the lesson I learned from each of those situations - even if I wasn't primarily the person in the wrong, if I want that person back in my life and have any part to play in the split, I need to reach out and apologize. If nothing else, I could have not given up on that person so easily. I could have fought more for our friendship.

Thankfully - very, very thankfully - I don't have any of those unresolved friendships left. They've been picked up, often as though no time has passed. And for that, I know I'm very, very lucky - and maybe should only apologize to myself and those friends for the time in those friendships that I robbed us of by being either too proud or scared to reach out first.

Candice |

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Friday

May282010

A Mustang, A Mustang, my kingdom for a Mustang

Friday, May 28, 2010 at 12:56PM

Yesterday I did something amazing. I drove our car. By myself.

(NB: Yes, that is "our car" singular. My car is dead. After spending $5k on it a couple of months ago and another $2k on it back in the fall, now the transmission crapped out. More on that particularly frustrating situation at another time.)

So now our only car is the hubby's Mustang convertible, which we just bought in November because his car needed daily repairs. It's "our" car, but the hubby drives it primarily.

Except last night. Last night, I drove a whopping six blocks to the supermarket. To understand the joy of this excursion, ponder this: it was the fourth time I've been outside - literally outside - in nearly three weeks, and two of those other times were for doctor's appointments (one for Nate, one for me) and the third was a trip to the hospital to see my grandmother. I suppose there was a fifth outing if you count coming home from the hospital. But, really, if that's what we're counting, you can imagine the desperation.

I've always loved my independence and, in particular, having my own car and being able to take off at a moment's notice. But now? Not only do I not have a car at my disposal, if I did have one, I would have to pack up Nate with me unless the hubby was home to stay with him. Since I don't have a car right now, I haven't yet experienced the whole "pack up the baby by myself and try to accomplish something at a store" thing. I'm a bit nervous about it, honestly, but it's not even a question until we solve my car problem.

But last night the hubby was home and I needed groceries - specifically, baking supplies, which the hubby gets nervous buying since he knows they need to be very specific. So while he stayed with Nate, I got behind the wheel of our car and drove to the supermarket. I hadn't been behind the wheel in over two weeks (you can't drive for two weeks after a c-section). Getting in the Mustang and buckling up made me feel like Thelma . . . or Louise (whoever was driving). Except instead of driving off a cliff, I was buying produce.

FREEDOM! Fruit and eggs and sugar, oh my - freedom!

It felt thrilling . . . but weird. In addition to it being the first solo car excursion in what feels like a lifetime, it was also the first time I wasn't in the same place as Nate . . . EVER. Since he was born, we've been together. Even when he was in the nursery at the hospital, it was right across the hall from my hospital room, a mere eight feet away.

In retrospect, I'm glad the supermarket is so close. I'm not sure I'm ready to go any farther from Nate.

single but not so ready to mingle

actually, not allowed to mingle at all until he's 35, thankyouverymuch

(and, yes, that's glitter on his eye - no idea how it got there)

Candice |

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Wednesday

May262010

To sleep, perchance to snuggle

Wednesday, May 26, 2010 at 4:46PM

As I mentioned yesterday, one of the best things about feeling like myself in my body again is the ability to snuggle with the hubby again.

This really can't be overstated. When you're pregnant, you're only supposed to sleep on your left side. I would sleep on my right side at least a third of the time, though, because various body parts on my left side would fall asleep (and not in the way I intended/hoped to fall asleep). Plus, sleeping on my left side meant I was always facing away from the hubby. You can't sleep on your stomach while pregnant (obviously) and you can't sleep on your back. Eventually, sleeping on my side was uncomfortable, but my friend Tracy gave me her body pillow:

It helped me sleep SO much . . . but as you can imagine, it pretty much created a boundary between me and the hubby. I tried to go without the body pillow one weekend, but got such terrible sleep that I had to go back to using it. In the scheme of things, it was more important - both for me and The Force - to be rested. The lack of snuggling didn't take an obvious toll on us, but we both missed it and spoke about it often.

When I came home from the hospital, one of the first things I did was take the body pillow off the bed and shove it in the closet. However, after the c-section, I could only sleep on my back. Ironically, after months of being so sick and tired of sleeping on my side, all I wanted to do was sleep on my side - but I couldn't sleep on my sides because it felt like my insides were sliding and everything was pushing and pulling on my scar. And even now, two and a half weeks later, I can't yet sleep on my stomach.

But at least I could lay up against the hubby without the body pillow acting like a moat between us. And now, I can sleep on my side and we can snuggle up together. There's an amazing depth of feeling to this simple physicality.

The love we have in our marriage has definitely shifted and grown since Nate's arrival. There hasn't been a day that's gone by where one of us hasn't asked, "How did we create something so adorable/amazing/beautiful?"

I always thought it was remarkably cheesy when someone explained that babies come from "when a mommy and daddy love each other very much" because, honestly, plenty of people who don't love each other create beautiful children. But I can't think of that line as cheesy anymore because when I look at Nate, I am filled not just with the love I feel for him, but the love I feel for the hubby. I feel like the answer to how did we create something so beautiful is that Nate is the embodiment of the love we have for each other.

During my pregnancy, I read a lot about the first year of parenthood being one of the unhappiest times in many marriages and it's something I've feared quite a bit. And, obviously, only two and a half weeks into that first year, I can't make any assumptions about us avoiding that pitfall. I think it's easier now, while I'm still home and it's all still brand new, than it will be six months from now when we're both working and dealing with a child care schedule and fretting about baby proofing as Nate begins to be mobile - especially if we haven't moved and are still in our postage stamp-sized apartment.

But things right now are so amazing, so wonderful, so better than ever, that I'm no longer worried about that. From the very beginning of our relationship - from our very first date - I marveled at how the hubby and I physically fit together like two puzzle pieces. When I curl up in bed with him, it feels more natural than sleeping alone does - and that's something I never dreamed I would find with someone. I always thought I'd need separate beds when I got married because I could never sleep well with someone else in the bed. But the hubby and I have got comfortable nights' sleep on a twin bed - and once we fell asleep on my parents' sofa, entangled in a way that 1 - I can't even describe and 2 - makes me wonder just how incredibly tired we were to fall asleep that way.

So part of me feeling like myself again after having Nate involves feeling like a wife again - even better than the wife I was before I got pregnant, the wife I am in my heart - the half of the puzzle.

Candice |

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