After Tuesday's post about how pregnancy has brought on "manly" behavior, I thought about how one behavior got left out: that ability most men seem to have to just go with the flow and not get caught up in details.  Simply, the ability to enjoy life for what it is and relax about planning.  Be in a good mood.

I was going to write about that . . . and then, for the first time in nearly my entire pregnancy so far (29 weeks now), my mood tanked.  TANKED.

I've been amazed thus far by how happy I've been throughout the pregnancy.  It's been like that whole "pregnancy glow" thing isn't a joke.  At times, it's been like I could feel it emanating from me.  I've even found myself being remarkably more patient with usually frustrating students.

But Tuesday, that all hit a wall.  Not so big as to say it hit a brick wall, maybe just enough to say it hit a padded wall... but there's been a change.

I felt anxious on and off throughout Tuesday, like I was nervous and couldn't catch my breath at times.  Then in class, as the professor was just beginning to start class, I was skimming my email and Twitter on my netbook.  A classmate - a woman in her 50s, if I had to guess - said, "Could you please shut down your email?"  I was so aggravated by this that I couldn't even focus on the class discussion for the next twenty minutes.  Who was she to tell me to shut down my email?  We're in damn grad school and if I want to skim Twitter before I start taking notes, I am damn well free to do so.

I sat there, plotting out just how rude I planned to be to her when we had to do our small group discussions - but of course, I wasn't rude to her at all.  I regret not saying something, though - not asking if it was distracting her or something, just to see if that was the case or if she was just feeling condescending and judging me for not being 100% into the opening discussion.

In short, I spent way too much time being upset about her request (even if I still think it was condescending and rude).  I couldn't shake it when I went home, either.  It was like something was teetering all day and that just pushed it off the edge.  And I hadn't gotten much sleep Monday night (five hours) so I figured that was contributing.

But then yesterday wasn't much better.  I felt the same sadness and general funk.  I moped my way to the lab to get blood drawn before work and then, as I was leaving, a woman stopped to ask me directions to a particular street.  I pointed the way and she then asked specifically if a certain pharmacy was there - the pharmacy that my grandparents used to go to when they lived in the nursing home on the same block.  For some reason, having her ask that and then thinking about them made me burst into tears when I got in my car.  I wasn't particularly close to my grandparents (they didn't speak any English, so that makes it hard to build a relationship) but I loved them and do miss them sometimes.  However, I don't think that's what this was about.

What it is about, though, I'm still not sure.  I was fine throughout most of the day.  Not necessarily perky, but occasionally cheery and functional overall.  But after work, I felt sad again - and I do this morning, again.  It seems to be a morning/night thing.

If I had to guess, I'd vote hormones and nerves.  I'm starting to get nervous about actually having a baby.  Not the birth itself, but the actual responsibility... the LIFE-LONG RESPONSIBILITY THAT OMG NEVER ENDS that comes with having a baby.  I keep worrying about how we have nothing set up for The Force, even though he's due in 11 weeks - and, you know, babies can come early and OMG WHAT IF HE'S BORN AND HE HAS NO WHERE TO SLEEP.  Those are the thoughts racing through my head.

These are the times I'm a bit jealous of the hubby for actually being the man and not having to carry around The Force all day.  He has the option to actually forget about all of that now and again.  I can't because either I'm getting kicked or having to adjust my clothing at all points of the day.  I don't get to stop thinking about what we're entering into and I think I'm starting to feel overwhelmed.

I'm really not sure how to calm down, either.  I don't have much available quiet time, especially with Buster around, and I can't cozy up to a glass of wine.  I'm not sure what else there is.

I still feel the general good mood, though.  It's there; it pops up when I smile at an extremely annoying student - and actually mean the smile.  It's there when I look at our baby registry and can't wait to have our little boy use all those things.  So I think there's still plenty of up mood to come.  I don't want The Force to feel this sadness - I feel like that will contribute negative things to how he's forming right now.  He deserves to feel happiness and excitement and joy.  So, for one of the few times in my life, I'm actually working at being cheery.  At focusing on the positive.  At NOT wallowing in a sour mood, but instead working to kick it to the curb.