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Entries in it's not easy (16)

Monday
28Dec2009

Baba-gram

Oh, hai blog, how's it going?  Say hi to your mother for me.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday weekend, whether you celebrate Christmas or not.  Something about it this year was just off for me (the hubby expressed this, too) and we both woke up a bit sad Christmas morning because we didn't have gifts to exchange with each other.  We both know that's not the point and not really a big deal, but it was our first Christmas living together on our own (last year we were living at my parents' house) and gifts would have been a sweet addition - but we just love having those days where we get to wake up together because they're rare, so that was quite a gift in itself.  (I usually leave for work before he's even awake.)

We spent Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Day with his family.  Then yesterday we went to NY state to visit my grandmother, Baba, so she could meet my sister's newborn, Brooke, Baba's great-grandaughter.

happy Brooke (will be two months old this Wednesday)

Here's the thing you have to know about Baba: she is a fountain of folk wisdom.  She grew up in the Ukraine and never went to school a day in her life (because at that time, in that place, girls were raised to work the farm, get married, and have babies - what would you need any schooling for).  But she turns out to be really, really - like uncannily - right at times.  She theorized once that "everyone has cancer" and that it just depends on who it "comes out" in.  Years later, I read a NY Times article about a group of research scientists who had just concluded the same thing.  Because things like this happen all the time, no one in the family was surprised - just amused.

There are several people in my family who I think could have done amazing things had they had the proper education and motivating influences.  I think part of the reason I push myself to keep working and learning and achieving is so I can honor these family members who worked so hard so I can live the life I do - so I can give credit to all they may have done.

Four generations: Mom, Baba, my sister (with TJ), me (with Brooke)

So when Baba asked me when we find out what we're having and I said probably this Wednesday (if the baby cooperates) and she said my mom told her I felt the baby move (which is true - I think I have a little) and wanted to know what side I felt it on, I knew why.  Left side movement: girl.  Right side movement: boy.  (By the way, it's left . . . so we'll see.  My sister also did the "necklace test" and it came out as two girls - meaning I'll have this girl and then another - so, again, we'll see!)

But that was it.  Everyone was like, "Okay, we thought it's probably going to be a girl and Baba says it will be so, yeah, it's probably a girl."  The hubby said we didn't need a sonogram because we had a Baba-gram.

We'll see if she's right but I wonder why I'm even wondering.  From the beginning I've had a hunch toward girl.  Whenever I talk about the baby, I automatically use female pronouns and have to stop myself to say "he or she."  And now we've had the Baba-gram, so what more do we need?

Okay, so we do have that official 20 week sonogram on Wednesday since they have to check out many other things besides the sex (and, besides, it could be a boy - and I'll be 100% thrilled either way).  I'm looking forward to the rest of the tests, too, because I just worry . . . daily . . . even though Baba told me I look great so that means everything is perfect.

How can you not totally love and trust a grandmother that lets her one year old great-grandson jump on the bed with his boots on?  (With a little assist from my brother)

Families can be frustrating.  They can get to you in ways that no one else can . . . but they can also just simply get you better than anyone else.  A day without presents can bring the holiday home in ways that a mountain of beautifully wrapped packages can't.

Monday
07Dec2009

Money Misery

I find it really difficult to be cheerful and lighthearted when I'm having money issues.  Put these money issues smack dab in the middle of the holiday season and it's just even worse.

What really gets me this time around is that the recent loss of funds was unforeseen and, on one account, entirely someone else's fault.

Because I'm in school at least half-time, my student loan payments are deferred until graduation.  I recently transfered a number of loans with Sallie Mae over to the Direct Loan Servicing Center (government lender) so as to make things much easier in regards to payments and for future loan payment arrangements.  (When one lender owns all your government loans, it makes it easier for them to see how that payment affects your income.)

In doing that, however, it opened a "new" consolidation loan in my account and turned off my in-school deferment.  I saw this, called them, and pointed it out.  They told me it wouldn't be a problem because the deferment would be back in place before the next payment would be due.

Four days after we bought the new car, the student loan folks took $720 out of my account.  $720 might not be a lot of money to some people, but it is for us.  I've filed an appeal to get the money back, but don't have great hopes of this being approved.  Even if for some random reason it is approved, I was told it would take 4-6 weeks to receive the refund.  Happy New Year.

In addition, I took my car in for some repairs, expecting it to cost about $650, which I was ready to cover.  Unfortunately, there were many, many things wrong with my car and the most urgent repairs cost $1500.  (There are additional repairs costing about $2500 that will have to wait a few months.)  This is the part that is partly my fault since it's been a long time since I had any work done on the car, so these are all things that probably needed to be done over time and I just wasn't a good car owner about it all (i.e. I was a distracted grad student not really thinking about car maintenance, but I should have been).

So we went from feeling comfortable and ready for the holidays to being short $2250.  (Well, we haven't paid the $1500 car repair bill yet but it's coming due in a few weeks and we have to save up for it.)  Now we have to manage our new car payment this month, the new car insurance payment (it went up just a little), and all the necessary holiday expenses plus daily expenses . . . but are short $2250 for the past two months.

So, there went the outdoor decorations I wanted to buy.  I know what I want to buy the hubby for Christmas and now I don't know if I'll be able to.  There went all the spoiling of my nephews and niece I wanted to do.  There went a new pair of boots and some new scarves for winter.  There went any new supplies I wanted for Christmas cookie baking (new rolling pin and pastry mat).

Is it a crisis?  No.  We paid our rent, we just bought some groceries, I have gas in my car, and so on.  We're even right now.  Even, but I'm not feeling the holiday cheer because I don't have a nickel to spare.  I hate how having money to spend is so linked to what I enjoy about the holiday season.  I have so much to be thankful for and I want to spread the happiness I feel overall, but particularly in the holiday season.  December makes me happy - the chill in the air, the snow, the lights and decorations, the coats, scarves, and gloves.  I love all of it.

But I love buying gifts and I love sending holiday cards . . . but I haven't even started on either one and I don't know when I'll be able to . . . and it's bringing me down.  I'm trying to stay cheerful, but it's not easy.

I just keep reminding myself that I have everything I need.  I have love, family, and friends.  I'm just hoping I can pull enough nickels together so I can share the love via some holiday cards to those family and friends.

Thursday
19Nov2009

Mornin' Sunshine

I've never been a morning person, exactly.  I'm not a night person either, though - so I guess I'm just a regular day person?  But that said, I do actually like mornings.  I like how quiet it is and how it feels like you have so much of the day ahead of you.

source

But I always say, "Fine, I'll rise, but I refuse to shine."  I like to be left to myself in the morning and I can be a bit grumpy if I'm not allowed to go through my routine, which requires three things: coffee, a shower, and breakfast (in any order, I'm not really picky).  Take one of those out of the equation and you have a very grumpy penguin.

(Have you seen Little Miss Sunshine?  If you haven't, you must.)

The hubby actually refers to coffee as "anti-divorce beans" so I'm not kidding about the grumpiness.  Thankfully he's very understanding.  Even if it's a small cup of half-decaf (which is what I've been having during the pregnancy, one a day), it still does the job.

Now, as far as I can tell, the most ironic part of pregnancy is in the first trimester when you're more exhausted than you've possibly ever been before, but 1) can't have caffeine (or not a lot, anyway, and probably not the amount you're used to), 2) can't tell anyone why you're so tired, especially at work, and 3) want to be overjoyed about your happy news but are just too tired to even contemplate caring for another person.

I mean, really?  Who designed this crazy plan?

But for weeks I kept getting BabyCenter and Parenting email updates saying, "Just wait!  No really, just wait!  The 2nd trimester is the honeymoon period!  You'll feel great!"  Now, I really wasn't feeling bad, just tired, so I didn't expect too much of a difference.  After all, I have two jobs and am taking two graduate classes.  I was pretty sure I'd be this tired, regardless - or near to it.  Maybe not as much as the night I got home from grad school at 9:45pm and was asleep in bed by 10:15pm, skipping dinner, but that was one night.

But this week, as I crossed the 2nd trimester threshold, I actually started to feel a bit more rested.  I was able to hold a coherent conversation after 11pm!  (That hasn't happened in two months.)  My first thought the past three mornings hasn't been, "I can't wait to go to bed tonight."  (That was my first thought every morning for the past two months.)  Tuesday night, I was actually up until 1am (!!) with the hubby, catching up on last week's CSI trilogy because I didn't have to get up until 8:30am on Wednesday, which is serious sleeping in.  Two weeks ago, it wouldn't have mattered - I would have been dead to the world by 11:30pm.

It feels good - especially since I'm rolling into the last four weeks of the semester and have a ton of work to do, both as a teacher and as a student.  I have to create and grade a final exam, grade quizzes and papers, and write my own papers and projects.  Oh, and then there's Christmas shopping and those DIY holiday cards I said I'd do on my 101 in 1001 list.

If you don't get a holiday card from me this year, it's because I only had time to get five done.  Apologies in advance.

But today?  Today I feel like I do have a bit of shine to go with my rise. 

 

Monday
19Oct2009

Mondays stink (but less with deodorant)

This morning I almost forgot to put deodorant on because I was standing in the bathroom, feeling sorry for myself because I had (have) such a long day ahead.  Even as I type this, the notebook with my to-do list is serving as my wrist rest.

When I planned out this semester/quarter, I thought taking my two grad classes on the same day would be a great saver because I'd only have to travel into the city one night a week.  Makes sense, right?  Except I didn't allot for how early I'd have to get to work several days a week to account for the hour I leave work early on Mondays in order to allow for traffic or random road congestion.

But if I take two classes on separate nights, I probably won't be able to adjunct because I won't have enough available nights for the campus location I prefer unless they institute classes that meet once a week or on Saturdays - and I'd really rather not teach on Saturdays right now because I need those days to do homework.

I think it would all be a smidge more manageable if I wasn't teaching a class at my full-time job this quarter.  I'm very grateful to be teaching the class (I'm learning a lot from the experience) but it requires a significant amount of prep time because I've never taught a developmental reading course before.  If this were an ensuing semester, I'd have lesson plans and quizzes ready to go and it would be less time-consuming.

But it is what it is.  I'm mostly keeping my head above water at this point.  The one thing that keeps ending up on the losing side is grad school; I'm having a hard time completing all the readings every week, but so far it hasn't affected me.  I skim effectively and gather a lot of information from the course discussions, so I'm hanging on.  I know how to do the grad school thing, so that helps.  I just have to keep an eye on when I start having projects and presentations due.  Those weeks are going to require some serious time management and a lot of, "No, I'm sorry, I can't hang out this week."

I was disturbed by the fully decorated Christmas trees and display I saw at Lord & Taylor this weekend because I'm a firm believe that you don't decorate for Christmas until Thanksgiving, but at the same time I'm already really looking forward to the last third of December when all of my classes (teaching and grad) will be over.  I adore school - both teaching and being a student - and can't imagine working as happily in any other environment.  I just need some breathing time.

Wednesday
16Sep2009

I never get sick. No, really. But my car does.

Whenever I tell someone, "No, really, I never get sick," they put their hand over their mouth and back away from me, like a storm of locusts carrying the most-recent flu epidemic (bird, swine, etc) is about to descend upon me and infect me so seriously that my hair will be sneezing.

But I don't get sick.  Sure, every now and then I have a day where I have the sniffles, but really, it only lasts a day.  I've never even had the flu, ever.

But what I do have?  Days where everything else possible stands in the way of having a great day, all before 9am.

1. Woke up this morning to discover the dog left several "presents" in the hallway.

2. My car wouldn't start.

Sigh.

We had plans to go pick out our new bed tonight (101 item 31: Buy a bigger bed) and I think we're still going to do that, but we're also going to have to get me a new starter (I think) and a carpet shampoo-er.  (Hubby finally agrees with me that we need one.  Finally.  I think mostly because I made him clean the carpet this morning and our little SpotBot was out of soap so he had to scrub by hand.)

After that indignity, he drove me to work and will pick me up later, at which point we shall commence our errands.  At least it all happened during a week where we actually have the money to fix things.

And for dinner, there's chicken tortilla soup in the slow cooker, so that's a great thing to look forward to.  The day will go up from here.  Well, it has to - what would be down from picking up poop and a dealing with a non-starting car?  (Wait, don't answer that.)

At least I have my health.