New Year, Old Clothes

As I drove to work this morning and was thinking about what I'd face when I got there (the start of the new academic quarter, new students, coworkers I haven't seen in two weeks because either I or they were on vacation, etc) and how I was wearing (again) one of my go-to outfits for work: grey plaid pants (very subtle plaid - definitely a neutral per Clinton and Stacy's rules), blue buttondown shirt (which is a little snug with the holiday weight I've gained) and grey flowy sweater (which is decidedly less flowy than it was in the fall, also due to holiday weight gain) - I thought, "Well, nothing's changed except the year."

And that's kind of where I am. I like to be a big proponent of perpetual self renewal and exploration and improvement, even when it's wrapped in the New Year days, but this year I just haven't been able to muster up the get-up-and-go for it. There is too much of the struggle of 2011 that isn't subsiding simply because there's a new calendar on the wall and that is making it hard for me to feel any of the drive and hope that resolutions and ideas and wishes need to have behind them.

I usually love winter. I love the chill and bundling up and snow. But ever since last winter's disastrous utility bills, I've been fearing this winter because if we have bills like that again, we're sunk. Every week, instead of wondering excitedly when I'll be able to introduce Nate to playing in the snow (which I'm guessing he probably won't actually like), I fear a snowy forecast because it means a higher heating bill.

Everything - simply everything - in my life right now is tied down with concerns about money. It's hard to find renewal and inspiration when you are basically homebound due to financial constraints. As I think that out loud to myself, though, I immediately think of people who are homebound due to physical or mental disability and how I would fully believe this does not force them to live a "lesser than" life - so why should it for me?

There are things I can do, things I plan to do. For example, I need to finish my incomplete course from last spring. It's a required course, so if I don't finish it by May, I'll have to retake it. That would be seriously stupid on my part. So I just need to buckle down and do it and stop griping internally that I don't have a workspace, that I can't concentrate at home. I just have to. Period.

Maybe completing some big as well as some small things I need to get done will help me feel better. Not having stuff hanging over me always helps. We still won't be any closer to paying the rent without difficulty, but any lessening of concerns should be helpful. (I think. Can't hurt to try.)

2011 had some truly stellar moments, but it also had a million small (and some big) difficult moments. For 2012, all I wish is that the ratio flips. Life will have difficult moments; it's how we grow. But I really could do with the universe's stellar moments tipping in my favor a bit more this year. I'm not looking for favors or handouts. I will work hard as hell to deserve more; I just feel like 2011 was a lot of work without the rewards and opportunities.

I have a cautious feeling in my gut that great things are coming. I said as much to a friend a few weeks ago and really, truly meant it. I fear that 2012 will be 2011 all over again, but it can't be. It already was; it cannot be again. What comes can only be new and what is new is still yet to be determined, so I have to reason I can still affect change.

So onward we trudge. Upwards, 2012, here we go.

Susie Sunshine

I was talking to a classmate yesterday about the other class she's taking, the topic of which is giftedness. I was telling her about my sister's son and how he's clearly gifted, but it's such a delicate line to heed, recognizing that while not putting pressure on a three year old to do more than he's ready for.

She was telling me about the different theories about where giftedness comes from - how it's genetic, but not hereditary, and how nurture plays such a significant role. In particular, we discussed how much of an effect one's parents' talking, vocabulary, and attitude had.

"Oh, well," I said, "My sister is both a Chatty Kathy and a Susie Sunshine so I'm sure that has a big part to do with why her kids are so bright."

(On a side note, where do I get these terms from and why do I put them together? Chatty Kathy and Susie Sunshine? I sound like I'm 65.)

Yesterday also happened to be my sister's birthday so my dad sent out an email with photos of my sister as a baby, including a couple from the hospital on the day she was born - actual birth day photos for her birthday. Included was this photo:

My sister - smiling ON THE DAY SHE WAS BORN. And this wasn't a fleeting smile, there are others from the same day.  (Aw, and that's my dad holding her. Love it.)

SMILING ON THE DAY SHE WAS BORN. I think that justifies my use of the Chatty Kathy/Susie Sunshine combo. 

7 Quick Tuesday Takes - faux post-tryptophan

Faux post-tryptophan because I ended up actually not eating much turkey (or much of anything) on Thanksgiving. I crammed five minutes of food in my face and then spent the rest of dinner chasing Nate off everything dangerous (mostly the stairs) in my BIL and SIL's house. But to honor the holiday none-the-less, I spent the next four days being as lazy as Nate would let me be (which isn't much).

So here are Tuesday's musings:

1 - I had two weeks to do my homework for tonight. When did I start it? Last night at 8pm. Some things never change, even when you're a teacher.

2 - It's not a good sign when you get an email saying the final project due date was extended to next week and you think, "Wait, that's an extension? So it was due this week???" and it's a total shock because you just have not been paying attention to the details this semester. Content, yes - I am all over my course content this semester... but the details contributing to my grade? Not as much.

3 - Nate has become a major hugger. He hugs everyone all the time now and says, "Awwww!" and pats you on the back as he hugs you. I melt every time... and I have tucked this memory away in my mental file box to pull out when he's 15 and doesn't want to hug me.

4 - I told my sister the other day not to turn 36 because there's just something about 36 that aches. I have regular aches and stiffness that I never had before and they really feel like they came on all of a sudden in the past few months. Is there something about 36?

5 - I was reading a blog post where someone said something about 40 not being scary at all and how women need to embrace it. My first thought was, "Eff. 40? Crap. That's less than four years away. Eff." Better start working on embracing that idea now. (And in my head I don't say "eff." I say the f-word. A lot. Just too prudish to type it out for all of intarwebs posterity.)

6 - I'm starting to put together the menu for Christmas Eve; we're hosting my family again this year and my goal is to have a simple but scrumptious meal. I may have stolen the phrase "simple but scrumptious" from The Pioneer Woman's Food Network show intro... but it works. Basically, I don't want to make anything complicated. As Carla Hall says in her intro on The Chew:when I cook I want my food to hug you. Simple, scrumptious, huggy food. And I'll stop stealing TV intro quotes now.

7 - Life needs to slow down. I need a week to just sit in my living room and stare at our Christmas tree and think. Do you ever sit in the dark with a lit Christmas tree and just think? I find it to be one of the most valuable meditative experiences in life.

And with that, on goes Tuesday. What's your quick 7 today?

Gratitude

This year I am thankful for so many things.

source 

I'm grateful for my amazing son. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't marvel at the joy he brings into my life. Just the other day I spent some time wondering what I did in a past life to deserve such a wonderful child in this one. The idea then occurred to me that maybe I didn't do much but am now supposed to because he is here and leading with joy by example.

I'm grateful for my husband, who - and I know it's remarkably cliche to say this but it's true - may be the most patient man on the planet. I wouldn't want to live with me, that's for sure. And our life isn't easy right now but I can always count on him to be a place of consistency for me. I know who I'm going home to and the comfort in that certainty is immeasurable. And it's not just plain consistency, but constant love and support. He's in this for good and, as someone who overthinks everything (*cough cough*), I definitely have the right spouse for me.

I'm grateful for my family who, even though I spend hours looking at beautiful places on Pinterest and watching House Hunters International, reminds me through their support and love why we continue to live close to them.

I'm grateful for in-laws who never make me feel like an in-law, but simply as family (and have since the first day I met them).

I'm grateful for friends who are still my friends despite the fact that I haven't seen most of them very much this year, if at all. I can see, call, write, or IM them and it's like time has barely passed. Even though we are not part of each other's active daily lives, we are still always in each other's hearts and minds and that keeps these friendships nourished.

I'm grateful that, despite a hurricane and flood, several summer blackouts, and an extremely damaging fall snow storm, our home seems to sit on a good piece of land and keeps us safe from calamities causing severe damage only two or three blocks away.

I'm grateful for Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and blogs. I have friends I have never met but who I never hesitate to refer to as friends. On any given day, I can logi n somewhere and check on my friends' lives - both those I've met and those I haven't - and celebrate their victories, share their worries, try to comfort them through sorrows, and relish shared moments of joy.

I'm grateful for my job, which is not just a job but a career that I truly enjoy. Someone recently suggested to me that if I ever wanted to look for more opportunity, I might consider switching fields. But I'm an educator at heart, in my soul, and I can't imagine not being one in some capacity.

I'm grateful for the library because, really, they let us read books for free. Do we ever stop and appreciate that anymore? Books for free, nearly any book I want to read - I can request it and borrow it for some time. I think that's pretty amazing.

I'm grateful for my education and for the amazing professors I come in contact with every semester. I have learned more about being a dedicated, caring educator in the past few years than I ever thought I would. My professors lead and teach by example and I feel lucky to know them.

And last, but not least (because there is no least in gratitude), I'm thankful for this space, this little blip of the blogosphere where I get to write and share my thoughts and my life with friends near and far. I'm especially thankful for the friends and readers who have commented or sent me emails to let me know when a post connected with them. Thank you for being here today and any other day.

I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving!

 source 

An odd one

Today is an odd day. The hubby took Nate to his mom's house early this morning, but I didn't have to be at work until noon so I basically had four hours to myself this morning. I don't even know when the last time was that I had four hours to myself. It could quite literally be two years ago.

So what did I do? I wondered what I could do. I could clean the bathroom, vacuum my bedroom carpet, clean the kitchen and dining room floors, go to the library and read. But in the end I decided I actually didn't want to do anything that resembled work or was out of the ordinary. I wanted to take this out of the ordinary time and do something very ordinary with it. I made myself breakfast, watched TV, took my time getting ready, and ran an errand before work. That's it. Didn't clean, didn't prep dinner, didn't even finish the laundry that was already in the dryer. Just kind of existed in the eeriest quiet I've felt in my home since we've lived there.

I've had plenty of relative alone time there, time when the hubby was out, Nate was asleep, and my brother was in his room. But even then, there's this energy of other people being home. On those nights I kind of trick myself into thinking I have the time to myself, but I don't really. Nate could wake up at any moment and need comforting (this almost never happens, but the possibility is there). My brother could come out into the kitchen for some water and strike up a conversation (this almost always happens).

Today it was just me... well, and the two dogs, who also seemed to relish being home and uncaged. They simply napped in their favorite cushy spots until it was time for me to leave, when they then dutifully entered their crates.

And now today, a day that many people experience as one in which they get out early from work, I have to work late. As with most Wednesdays, I have to proctor an exam, but unlike most Wednesdays, today's may be packed. I usually only have three to five students testing. Today there are twelve scheduled. I may, in fact, work later today than I usually do, depending on how quickly the students move through the exam.

And then there's the matter of tomorrow: Thanksgiving (here in the U.S.). I don't have anything to do in preparation. I was told we don't need to bring anything (and, truthfully, can't afford the excess groceries making something special would require) so... we're just showing up to eat. And.... that's it. It's been years since I've done that.

It's truly an odd day. Here are these things that set me free, from a certain perspective. Nothing to do this morning, nothing to prepare for tomorrow. Yet I am sort of not liking either experience. Well, or it's taking me a while to warm up to liking them. I did actually like lying on the couch watching television this morning and eating English muffins. But I didn't like getting out of the shower to an empty, quiet house. Sure, it made getting ready a lot easier since I didn't have to sneak around hoping a certain toddler wouldn't come barreling into my room and start wrecking things... but it still just didn't feel right. And not baking something like a pie or appetizer tonight doesn't feel right either.

It seems clear that I have a new normal, one that involves a rambunctious toddler and lots of time in the kitchen. Both of these renew me and provide invaluable perspective on life, even if they both involve the occasional bouts of frustration, and even disaster. An outing to the movies last week (which I'll have to write about another time) started me thinking seriously this week about my personal time - what I do with it, how I feel about it. Today I felt progress; even though my new normal is a bit crazy, running in circles, covered in flour, I love it - and now I'm slowly beginning to take back a tiny bit of me and remembering how to enjoy that, too.