Too Pale for Twilight

I recently went to see my doctor to check on my thyroid. Turns out I'm low in Vitamin D (hello, I never go outside) so I'm taking a Vitamin D prescription (in addition to my thyroid and iron prescriptions) and will go for follow-up bloodwork later this week to see if my thyroid, iron, and Vitamin D levels are behaving themselves.

But what do those three issues have in common? Tiredness. And paleness. So even when I'm content, I look like this:

I would try out for Twilight, but I don't sparkle. At least I have color in my cheeks. And I'm getting my hair cut and highlighted soon, which should help me not look like a member of the living dead.

And poor little Nate has my skin tone, I think. I'm looking forward to summer - fun in the sun (with sunscreen, of course). I'm really grateful for the mild winter we've had, mostly because it means our heating bills haven't been a nightmare, but I'm also just not in the mood for winter this year. I want spring. For the first time in a long time (or possibly ever), I want summer. I'll still be pale, but maybe my sunscreen can be sparkly.

Detoxing from hormones

"Love as distinct from 'being in love' is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will."
~C.S. Lewis
(as tweeted by Alton Brown)

The hubby and I recently made the somewhat large decision that I would go off hormonal birth control.

No, breathe, we are NOT trying for another baby. Quite the opposite, in fact - we do not want to have a second child at this time. Financially, it would doom us. I would, though, like to have a second child at some point so any permanent birth control options are off the table right now.

This decision wasn't easy and took months to make - well, months and a year, really, if we look at it a certain way. And while it solves some problems, it opens others. But for us, the quality of the problems this decision is solving far outweighs the new problems it presents.

What it comes down to is this: I cannot find a hormonal birth control option that works for me. Due to my gastric bypass, I do not trust taking the pill. I've read the results of several studies that indicated that the pill isn't metabolized in a consistent way in patients who had gastric bypass and I'd rather not play that game of roulette, thinking I'm covered when I'm not. I don't want to do injections or an IUD (hormonal or not).

I was on the Nuvaring, which worked well for years, but something changed in the past few years and especially since I had Nate. Basically, it was making me crazy. I'm actually not even really ready to fully disclose just how bad I was feeling, but I will share some.

The most ironic part of the Nuvaring is that its purpose is to prevent pregnancy, but the hormones from the birth control made me not want to have anything to do with my husband. I was cranky. Not just moody, because that implies up AND down. No, I was mostly just down. I would wake up and be fuming angry within minutes and nothing would help that. If you have emotional PMS, imagine the cranky/angry part of that, but all month long - and THEN, during PMS? It was that times ten. I just felt rage coursing through my veins. It took serious, exhausting effort not to snap at some comments and requests - and some times, I didn't succeed. And the person who got the worst of it, continually? The hubby. It is truly, solely to his credit that I even still have a husband after how awful it was sometimes.

So, yeah - the birth control really worked two ways over. It prevented ovulation and it prevented me really wanting to even... you know, spend time with my husband.

When I went off the birth control right before I got pregnant, I felt amazing. I remember thinking at the time that I never wanted to go back on hormonal birth control again. But after Nate was born, I did anyway because we really, really didn't want to take any chances.

And I remember having more emotional PMS on birth control before (as in, throughout my 20s) but it's been different since Nate was born, which I can imagine makes sense considering the hormonal flux a woman's body goes through during and after pregnancy. It makes sense to me that my body may react to things differently now, especially hormones.

It simply became unbearable, though - for both me and the hubby. And I really believe that our marriage was on the fast track to disintegration because of it. The change between how things were two months ago and how they are now is palpable. The whole household feels lighter. There are more smiles, much more laughing, much more together time, much more talking. Much more of all that is good and worthwhile and healthy to a marriage and a family.

So we are, of course, still "being safe" as the ever-present instruction goes and that takes more concerted effort than hormonal birth control requires. But our marriage is taking significantly less effort. In fact, it's really feeling like no effort at all at this point. And the effort required, as all marriages do require work, is enjoyable now and worth far more than the energy required. I've been feeling like I did when we first started dating, something I haven't felt in a long time. And it's wonderful.

And then it dawned on me...

All day today I've been thinking, "March 9th... three nine... three nine... Why is this date standing out to me? Did I forget someone's birthday? Anniversary? Television show premiere?"

Then it dawned on me: today is my 7 year surgiversary. It's been seven years since my gastric bypass surgery.

Seven years ago today I woke up in surgery recovery and first thought, "Okay, I didn't die." And then immediately thought, "Shit. I really did this."  (Those literally are the first two thoughts I had after waking up from my first ever medical procedure.)

That is why today's date kept ringing a bell in my head. I used to think of today as my re-birthday. I don't anymore because it isn't the huge before/after marker it was for a while. So much of the weight came back on. Then more. Then I got pregnant and barely gained weight. Then I gave birth and easily lost a bunch of weight due to thyroid medication (oh, and my 8 lb little man, of course).

And now - now I'm at a plateau, 40 lbs above my lowest adult weight and not really interested in getting all the way back down there because of the time and dedication to exercise it would take. But if I could get halfway there (so down another 20 lbs), I think I'd be quite pleased with myself.

Earlier today I wrote about how I'm giving up diet soda. Maybe that will help. However, I've found that all day long I've been craving (and eating) chocolate. Sooooo, yeah. That certainly will not help.

One thing I learned from my gastric bypass is that I was a food addict and an emotional eater. I was in complete denial about it; I really had no idea until one day, about a week after my surgery, I broke down crying because all I wanted was a chicken parm sub and I was completely certain I would never eat one again, not fully understanding yet that, yes, maybe I would never eat another full six inch one, but I could certainly have part of one and that I would indeed be satisfied by it. I've learned a lot since then and I'm still learning. One reason I hadn't attempted the soda sobriety yet was because I didn't want to slide into some other behavior, pick up some other habit... like, say, eating chocolate. (Truth is, I don't even love chocolate all that much. Sure, I like it - I'm not crazy - but most days I can take it or leave it.)

But the point is, I still have work to do. Gastric bypass didn't solve all of my problems. It didn't create any either, though. (And it doesn't - the procedure does not create something that wasn't already there - it can - and will - only shed light on it and perhaps intensify it.)

The procedure did shed light on some of my problems and helped me help myself solve some. I see my lifelong health as a journey that I'm not going to quit or give up on. As each year passes, I become more and more aware of the value of good health. It will probably always be a bit of a struggle and it will probably always involve some effort (possibly even significant effort) but I'm happy to comply.

Goodbye, my lovely bubbles

Consider yourself warned: I have decided to give up diet soda for Lent.

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Run! Run while you can!

Last night:

Me: Oh, and just so you know, I'm giving up soda for Lent.

Hubby: Um, are you going to be able to do that?

Me: Well, I'm going to try my hardest. I'll probably be pretty cranky and angry.

Hubby: So... you'll be more cranky and angry than you've already been, then, is what you're saying?

So, yeah. Join the hubby as he runs, runs while he can.

I've given up soda twice before. Once, post gastric-bypass because I literally couldn't drink it.  The carbonation filled me up painfully after one sip. If I drank soda, I felt uncomfortable AND I couldn't eat a single bite of food. Did I miss soda? Absolutely, but eventually I kicked the habit.  But then, as with any habit I have, I went back.

The last time I (mostly) gave up soda was when I was pregnant. I can't drink regular soda (too much sugar) and I didn't want to drink artificial sweeteners while I was pregnant (or much caffeine) so I gave it up then, mostly. I would buy the little mini cans (they're the size of half a regular can, I think) and would allow myself one a day in the 2nd and 3rd trimesters.

But then Nate was born. And he would wake up at 5:30am and I would be dead tired, but he would be crying so I didn't want to make him wait for his bottle while I made some coffee and I feared spilling hot coffee on him, so I started drinking caffeinated diet soda. All day. Starting at 5:30am.

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I remember panicking one day because I finished my last can of Coke Zero. It was a zillion degrees outside but I packed up Nate in the car and headed to the drug store for some soda. I wasn't going to make it through the day. It had honestly become an addiction - I needed it to calm my frayed, early motherhood nerves. Plus the caffeine. My battery basically was running on caffeine.

And so it still is. I realized recently that I pretty much do not consume a non-caffeinated beverage ALL DAY. I go from coffee to soda to more soda to much more soda to maybe a cup of tea to soda. For someone who is fairly well educated in regards to health, this is quite stupid and I know it.

Diet soda is bad for the body for so many (alleged) reasons. (I say "alleged" because I'm pretty sure none of these are proven 100% but I've read them all in several places and, really, when it comes to one's health, better safe than sorry, I say.) So, from what I've read, the artificial sweeteners trick your body into thinking it's getting something satisfyingly sweet, but then it doesn't and so you crave snacks. The carbonation robs calcium from your bones. The caramel coloring is carcinogenic. The caffeine... well, I don't know anything about what too much caffeine does, I just assume it can't be fantastic.

So I'm going cold turkey for Lent with the goal of allowing some soda into my life, on occasion, after Easter. I've been thinking about this for a while (a month or two) so I've mentally prepared myself. I actually feel really ready to do this, although I will admit that my first thought upon waking this morning was, "Soda." Nothing in particular about soda, just, "Soda."

To help with the caffeine so I don't fall asleep at work, I have stocked up on coffee and tea. I have my travel mug with Newman's Own Extra Bold (pow!) and I have some Stash mojito mint green tea and some fusion green and white tea with me for later. (Have you had Stash tea? It is heavenly. And it's hard to find caffeinated mint tea. This one is incredible.)

The drink machine at work does have diet iced tea in it as well as water. I also have a liter bottle of water with me since it's time to become reacquainted with my friend water again. I've been thinking maybe I'll start putting some slices of lemon and lime in my bottled water for daytime, just to perk it up a bit.

Have you ever quit a food or beverage you loved because you felt better off without it? Do you give up anything for Lent (even if, like me, you're not exactly religious)?

A Sober Year

One year ago today, someone very close to me did an incredibly brave thing and entered rehab for substance abuse.

On this day last year, I was so grateful that they took this step but I was worried - very, very worried - that rehab wouldn't work, that it wouldn't "stick."  And when the insurance company made them leave rehab after only a week, I was sick with worry.  I hoped with all the hope my body and mind could muster that the help they received in-patient and the help they would continue to receive out-patient would be enough, but I wasn't convinced.

Today, I'm thrilled to say that it was enough.  We've made it a year - and even though it was this one particular person's journey, I say "we" because it was a group effort, involving family and friends.  We've gone a full year, which means we've gone through every holiday - some where people were aware of the situation and some where they were not and so they did not alter their behavior around this person and this person had to confront living with other people who can still partake in activities that they no longer can.

I thought that would be the hard part because I know it would be for me.  Just being pregnant and choosing not to drink alcohol at all during the pregnancy was difficult.  I was cranky on holidays and New Years and St. Patrick's Day because I felt left out.  This person, however, faced similar situations and you would never know they had a problem and you would never notice they weren't partaking.  It's been amazing to witness.

I'm still frustrated that something like this has shame attached to it when, really, it's far braver to face your problems, admit them, and work hard to solve them.  It's much easier to deny and run and yet we don't give enough value to facing these problems, in my opinion.

At every turn, I expected to see struggle... but I didn't.  For a long time I thought it was more of a brave face than anything else, but it actually was just true bravery and strength.  Eventually, I stopped worrying, which I never thought would happen before a year passed.

But then one recent day happened.  One day that I can't get into detail about because, you know, we can't talk about details, but on a day that I was very directly involved with, this person faced the hardest moment of the year and very, very nearly broke their sobriety.

But they didn't.  They kept their faith and believed in their own strength and decided not to throw away what at that point was nearly a year's sobriety.  Until they told me later in the day that they thought about breaking their sobriety, it hadn't occurred to me to worry about that.  I had spent the day dwelling in my own reactions to what had happened (again, I wish I could go into detail, but I can't) and hadn't thought to worry.

But that was because my faith has grown now, too.  Because of this person's recovery, I see them completely differently now.  Certainly very differently than I did a year ago, but also very differently than five or ten years ago, as well.

The wisdom I come out of this with is this: remember that we all falter sometimes, stick by the people who need your help, and have faith that they can do incredible things.