People who have WLS (weight loss surgery) often refer to it as "a tool" - as in, it's a tool to help you eat better, not a magical solution that works on its own.  And sometimes it's possible to get out of touch with the surgery.  You get so comfortable eating that you forget you have limitations.

source

My surgery was nearly six and a half years ago, so I definitely lose touch with my tool.  I eat chocolates and they have no effect on me.  I eat things that used to bother me that no longer do - often forgetting they ever bothered me.  The restrictions are never far from my mind since unless I'm eating something I eat all the time, I have to think about how it'll sit with me - especially when we eat at/from a restaurant.

This past week, though, my tool made a tool of me.  Twice this week I ate something that made me throw up (known as "dumping syndrome" in the wls world - not because your body tries to dump the contents ASAP, but because the fat "dumps" into your body too fast and you feel sick).  I won't mention the restaurants because it's not their fault, it's mine (although it kind of is their fault for making food that is SO high in fat that it makes me sick when a Snickers bar doesn't - that'll tell you something).

The first time, I really had no idea I was possibly in trouble.  I ate a great chicken wrap... but it had avocado on it.  Too much avocado, I think, and while avocado is healthy, it's high in fat - even if it's good fat - and it did a number on me.  Up it came after first feeling like I swallowed a sparkler.  (That feeling always lets me know it's time to excuse myself for some private washroom time.)

Then tonight I ate fried chicken.  I've been craving it for ages and haven't eaten it in a year... and before that, it was probably four years.  But I ate it, even though looking at it, I knew it looked greasy and dangerous.  And I was right.  Damn sparkler feeling, into the washroom.

Sigh.  Talk about a learning curve.

I wonder sometimes when this will become fully second nature.  And then I realize it just won't for me.  Eating well has to be a conscious thing for me.  It's not second nature.  I fully believe I can get to a point where it is, but it's going to take a long time because I'm surrounded by people and things that tempt me and I'm not good at resisting.  The resisting is going to have to become second nature.  I'm going to have to watch my husband eat fast food and not feel like I'm missing out.  I'm going to have to watch a chocolate commercial and not spend the next few days thinking about that chocolate until I buy it.

I've come far.  I have no doubt I physically and mentally feel better when I eat healthfully.  I love how it feels to be energized after a meal instead of sluggish.  What I have to do is really connect the knowledge and experience of those feelings with the part of me that just wants to give in all the time.  I'm fine with giving in sometimes.  Strict dieting is a sure recipe for binging for me.  I know my food tendencies, weaknesses, and strengths so well.

So why is this all still so hard?

But I have faith it won't be one day.  I know it.  I feel it in my soul.  That person who's happy when healthy is in there.  And she's not unhappy now, but it could be significantly better.  We'll get there.

Somehow I'm now referring to myself as two distinct people.  Um... I should probably go check what was in that decaf tea I just drank.

Crossposted to WeAreTheRealDeal