Some things just feel too difficult.  Two-thirds of the way through my thesis, I seriously contemplated giving up on it, maybe taking a second comprehensive exam in the fall instead or writing the thesis over the summer.  But I have a terrible amount of pride about some things and would never EVER have wanted to admit to a living human being that I gave up on something or put it aside.

As mentioned previously, Imagine Today has declared August Self-Esteem Awareness Month and is doing a month of "exercises" about self-esteem.  I've been following along and doing the exercises in my own way, even if I didn't mention them here.

Until this Monday.  This Monday the "assignment" was:

Set aside some time and write about your relationship with your body & the life experiences that have come to shape that relationship. Push yourself to really be honest and think about the cause & effect of things – sometimes knowing why you feel bad is all you need to stop feeling bad (and sometimes its just a fantastic first step!)

Sure.  Let me get right on that.

Is she kidding??  No, of course she's not - and that's the point: I should be able to do this.  Ideally, one day I'll be able to do it without crying.

Lately I've been exploring the Fat Acceptance (FA) world a bit.  I haven't started reading Kate Harding's book yet - I will soon (want to finish another book first) - but I've been reading stuff in the "Fat-O-Sphere" (a collection of blogs that discuss FA, positive body image, and related issues) and forcing myself to keep reading, even when I find myself feeling uncomfortable.  (I have a hard time with the people who are really militant about it because I am uncomfortable with people who are really militant about anything - I'm fairly non-confrontational - and I have a hard time with the people who have no patience for those of us who are new to this and still learning.  But I try not to take those attitudes personally and keep reading.)

Yesterday provided a small break-through - an epiphany, if you will.  (Epiphany, by the way, is one of my favorite words.  I even used to work for something by the name.)  Through the Fatosphere, I was introduced to "The Adipositivity Project."  (Note: NSFW.)  Their mission statement:

"The Adipositivity Project aims to promote size acceptance, not by listing the merits of big people, or detailing examples of excellence (these things are easily seen all around us), but rather, through a visual display of fat physicality. The sort that's normally unseen.

The hope is to widen definitions of physical beauty. Literally."

I clicked through the site for nearly an hour last night, viewing all these bodies that were at once familiar (because they look like mine does look/has looked) and unfamiliar (because we don't normally see bodies this size unless they're being used as bad examples or sources of humor).

Wait . . . so this body that I've inhabited . . . I've been trained to see it as a bad example or something to poke fun at?  Right.  Of course.

But that wasn't the epiphany.  A lot of the pictures show women entirely naked or in lingerie or their underwear.  It's hard to describe the thought process that went through my mind when I came across one particular picture because the thoughts all hit at once (all voices are mine):

"Oh, I always wanted that bra."
"She looks really beautiful . . . pretty hot, actually."
"She's like my size, I think."
"Hm, she's my size so that might be what I'd look like in that bra and panty set?"
"Wait . . . so I might be beautiful in it?"
". . ."
"So all those times I'm getting dressed or undressed and my husband says I'm hot, he's not just being nice?"
*Still looking at the picture*
"He sees this when he sees me in my underwear?  This . . . hotness? . . . Really?"
"And I think she's hot so . . . somewhere inside I think I'm hot?"

Enter the crying.

I spent more time looking at the pictures and on the way home, thought about what life would be like if it were saturated with a variety of body images, not just ones size six and under.  It's almost unimaginable to me.

The assignment is really to talk about the cause and effect about the relationship with your body, but I'm not ready to do that here.  I think about it a lot, though.

While I know that I have to rely on myself for my self-esteem, I'm so glad that I have a supportive and loving husband who I'm finally beginning to think might not be crazy for loving me as I am.