Of course as I'm thinking about breastfeeding all week (particularly the past two days) and the trials and tribulations (and rewards??) of it, there is a BabyCenter post with women talking about how their colostrum has already started to come in and express once in a while.

My reaction to this was two-sided:

1: "Phew!  I am SO glad I have not had to deal with anything coming out of my boobs yet!  Ew!"

2: "Uh oh, does this mean mine don't work?  Crap."

*sigh*  Is this what parenting involves?  Constantly having two opposing ideas about what you're supposed to do/think/feel?

Thankfully, I read some comments that this hasn't happened for first time moms whose boobs haven't grown at all yet, which mine haven't, which I am totally thankful for.  I get that for some women this is the first and maybe only time in their lives in which they'll have a full, supple rack... but for those of us who have had to remind people that conversations are *up here* for the past 20+ years (yes, since my early teens), I don't think having the gals get bigger is that joyous.  I, for one, paid good money to have them taken down a few notches and lifted back up to where they might have been.  I know they won't stay where they are now and I've made peace with that idea . . . but I haven't yet been able to deal with the idea that they're going to be bigger.  I don't want that attention again.

Yes, yes, it's all in the service of providing nourishment for the baby. I get it; I understand.  But while that's going on, I have to deal with carrying them around.

Then I came across this post by BreederBrain, "What I Love About Pumping," where she talks about her PumpEase pumping support.  Happily, she provided a link for those of us not sure what she was talking about.  Naturally, I clicked on that link . . . and then I winced.  Seriously.

Source

Yowch!  Are they serious?  That looks like some kind of S&M device - and that is the most modest of the sample pictures.  Some of the other pictures show the nipples being pulled through those openings in a way that made mine hurt just looking at them.  I don't mind a playful swat at my behind, but I've never seen the pleasure in nipple tweaking . . . and now?  When they've hurt every single day since I got pregnant?  (Yes, every day.)  I can't fathom attaching something to them. They hurt when I take my bra off at night and now I'm supposed to hang something from them like they're party favors?

And the differently patterned fabrics seem like they're there solely to trick us into thinking this is fashionable, like it's just another version of the Gaulthier cone bra Madonna used to wear.

I am happy that BreederBrain's next post is going to be about why she hates pumping.  It seems that even the most dedicated breastfeeders (is that the term?) dislike, or even hate, pumping.  Phew.  I feel better knowing that I don't have to enjoy feeling like a cow connected to a milking machine.  Yech.

(That all said, I am very grateful that these pumping mechanisms exist. I wouldn't even be able to consider being a working, breastfeeding mom without one.)

And just so you know, the nips are currently aching with pain solely due to the composition of this blog post.  And probably because it's cold in here.  And because I'm pregnant.

I keep debating whether to start this entry with, "I knew I could be a mom" or "I never thought I could be a mom." Both are true, simultaneously... so, basically, I'm a walking oxymoron conundrum right about now.

("You're an ox AND a moron!"  Anyone, anyone?  One of my fave films due to who plays the linguist.)

Suddenly I'm feeling anxiety over all the impending choices I'll have to make and all the new things I'm going to have to learn how to do.

The worry for today: breastfeeding. 

First: I don't actually know many people who have breastfed and I'm not sure I will be able to do it myself.

I mostly know people who opted not to.  I know I would like to try, though, and so I find myself without any real-life models for what to expect and how to handle the oddities of it (like pumping at work?).  I had a breast reduction four years ago and it is possible I will have difficulty breastfeeding or possibly not be able to, but I think that possibility is really remote.  I was told that if you don't have decreased sensation after the surgery, it's a good sign.  I, oddly, had increased sensation after the surgery.  Go figure.  But I'm taking this as a very good sign.

So there's the wondering if I'll physically be able to.  But then...

Second: There's the idea of actually doing it and not thinking "ew."

I kind of hate to admit it, but I gag a little when I come across a breastfeeding picture.  I just think it looks gross.  I know, I know, it's natural and wonderful and a great bonding experience.  I get that - and I believe it, mentally - but my gut reaction is, "Yechh, eww."  This'll pass but right now makes it kind of hard to think about all of this.

Third: Then there are the mechanics of the whole thing. 

Sure, it'll be (hopefully) easy to feed on demand when I'm home on maternity leave.  But then when I go back to work . . . where do I pump?  I work in a school with college students and share a bathroom with them.  I don't want to pump in the bathroom with them coming in and out (even if I seclude myself in a stall).  I don't have an office and I don't know of one I'd be able to use, either.  Do I go pump in the back seat of my car out in the parking lot?

And if the baby is in daycare (which we haven't decided yet), do I have to send him/her there with formula?  Does breast milk travel?  Will daycare workers feed a baby with bottled breast milk?

Fourth: Then there are other people.  There are always other people and they all have ideas.

There is this minor issue of people I know being dismissive of the practice.  I foresee a lot of, "Oh, just give him/her formula; it would be so much easier for you!"  I understand where they'd be coming from and don't fault them for their line of thinking, but it'd be so much easier if I could count on at least passive support instead of active questioning or doubting.  I know my friends would all be supportive and/or not even think twice about it (including those who chose not to bf) so, thankfully, I'm not worried about that.

One of my fellow grad students was going to lead the class a couple of weeks ago and said to me in passing beforehand, "It figures that the one day I'm leading the class, the lactation room here is locked.  It's never been locked before.  Now I'm just going to be thinking about my boobs the whole time I'm up there."  I found out she has a seven month old, works full time, and is in grad school . . . and she's breastfeeding.  Ooookay, so that's possible??  (And she always looks beautiful and really well put-together, I'll add... I'm in total admiration of her, all around.)  I didn't even know the school had a lactation room.  I need to start thinking about this stuff.

Fifth:  And then... these are my boobs.  Mine. (As the hubby goes, "No, mine.")

Up until now I only shared my dear boobs with very well-deserving others.  Now I basically have to entirely donate them to someone else and will never look at them the same way again.  I'm uncomfortable with this idea, but I recognize it's kind of shallow.  Our bodies evolve; mine already has several times over.  I just feel like this one will be different and, for lack of a better word, weirder.

What I know now is that I'm not setting hard rules for myself.  I'm going to make a concerted effort to breastfeed, for a multitude of reasons that are all just so hypothetical to me right now but feel like they're important.  If for some reason I can't, I won't hate myself and I won't let myself feel like a failure.  However, I also won't let myself become discouraged from bf by outside influences.

I did a little research and learned that New Jersey has a law that "entitles a mother to breastfeed her baby in any location of a place of public accommodation, resort or amusement wherein the mother is otherwise permitted. Failure to comply with the law may result in a fine."  So that's pretty awesome.  Other states (like NY) have even better laws exempting breastfeeding from public indecency laws.  I don't think I would ever not cover up a bit while breastfeeding and I actually don't foresee breastfeeding in public, like in a park, but you never know.  I don't know what I'll think about all of this a year from now (when I have a 6 1/2 mth old, gah!) so it's nice to know that I'll have options and some protection.

However, NJ doesn't have a law like NY's that states "employers must allow breastfeeding mothers reasonable, unpaid break times to express milk and make a reasonable attempt to provide a private location for her to do so.  Prohibits discrimination against breastfeeding mothers."  That would be nice.  Not that I'm worried about my job in particular, but it would just be nice if that was a nationwide law.

I have five and a half more months to think about all of this.  So, good, five and a half WHOLE months... or is that: oh my goodness, ONLY FIVE AND A HALF MONTHS???