Who I am at 36

Last weekend, the film of Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing was on HBO. This is one of my all-time favorite films, so of course I had to stop channel surfing and watch. And when Nate got up from his nap, he joined me and watched for a bit, too.

You're never too young for Shakespeare.

If you haven't seen this film, you should. It's hysterical. (Yes, Shakespeare, hysterical.) One of the plot lines involves the characters Benedick and Beatrice (played by then-married Kenneth Branagh and Emma Thompson, sigh) and how they are tricked into revealing they love each other.

Benedick, unaware that he has been tricked into this, upon warming up to tell his friends that despite railing against love for years, he is now in love, says, "Gallants. I am not... as I have been."

You have to see this to get the full affect of Branagh's full-on toothy "beeeeen." It's awesome. But, of course, he is indeed who he has been, he's just evolved and can admit to more aspects of himself than he was previously comfortable confessing.

In the spirit of that, today - four days after my 36th birthday - I am also not as I have beeeen. But in some ways, I am still very much who I always remember being.

I still love:

reading

watching television (more than I should)

going to the movies

cheese

reading about fashion and style (starting reading fashion mags when I was 10)

sitting and thinking

R.E.M., Morrissey, The Cure, and Tori Amos

Converse

being a student

quiet

alone time

autumn

Christmas

I also now love:

my son, more than anything in the world and more than I ever dreamed possible

myself, more than I ever thought I'd be capable of

my husband, who at times I thought I'd never find

teaching

feeling happy (for a long time I preferred feeling depressed)

cooking and baking

I still don't like:

Being told what to do

Feeling like I should like something because "everyone else" does

Rice pudding

Mayonnaise

Sour cream

Being sweaty

Public displays of affection

Hugging

New Years Eve

I still:

Refuse to like things because they're popular (yeah, I'm 15 still sometimes)

Like to buy pretty things I won't then use (like lots of makeup and shoes with heels)

Have to work at being a good listener

Get irrationally aggravated at people who can't properly navigate a four-way stop (I severely hate the people who roll right through their stop sign when I was there first - you'll see me yelling after them, "Stop sign! Stop sign!"... I don't know why this gets on my nerves so much, but it does)

Hate admitting when I was wrong

~~~

Do you remember being a teenager and feeling like there's no way you'll ever truly know who you are? I remember thinking, "I change EVERY DAY. How will I ever just 'know' who I am because I'll never be steady in any way." If I dug around, I'm willing to bet I'd find a high school journal that actually said as much. Even though that was probably 20 years ago, that feeling is still so fresh in my mind. I can feel the essence of how it felt to believe that. But yet, now, I do know who I am. In fact, I don't spend much time really thinking about the essence of me. Sure, I think about things I want to achieve or qualities about myself I'd like to work on, but I don't feel lost in myself like I used to. There are a lot of things I do miss about my late teens and 20s but that isn't one of them. I enjoy the feeling of relief I get when I think about knowing who I am.

That said, I don't want to rest on that relief. There's still so much I want to do and achieve. Being happy with me doesn't mean I don't keep moving forward.

Charmed by a wish list

Ever find an old Christmas or birthday wish list of yours and smile and laugh, remembering what was important to you then? I remember stumbling upon a middle school Christmas list that included New Kids on the Block bedding, the New Kids dolls, the New Kids stage, the New Kids VHS tapes... you get the idea. I think the only other item on the list was a denim jacket. Clearly my priorities had tunnel vision.

I don't make wish lists now because I honestly think I'll get any of the items as a gift. That doesn't happen anymore. What does happen, though, is that I keep track of things I want to get and I also have something to look back at and see what I was interested in then.

And, to be clear, this list isn't going to include things like world peace and a government that actually seems to have any remote interest in the well-being of its citizens. That would just be silly. I'm talking about fun stuff, like things that start with a lower-case "i." Things that are just about me and only me, because if we can't think about ourselves in advance of our birthdays, then when can we?

iPad

The hubby strongly dislikes any of those products beginning with an "i" so this isn't happening until we're in the super financial clear and I get some kind of bonus at work that allows me to buy myself a crazy treat. But all the cool kids at school use them during class and I sooooo want one.

iPhone

Want. Will get with next cell phone contract. Must join Instagram.

Nook Color

My coworker got one of these over the weekend and let me play with it yesterday and today. I already loved it (have played with it at the store and currently have an original nook) but now I just love it more. It's second best to an iPad but still an incredible device that mirrors a lot of what I would use the iPad for.

initial necklace

I've wanted one of these with an "N" (for Nate) for over a year now. One of these days I'll get it.

Toms - shoes and shades

TOMS shoes are ugly/cute, you know? I want them in fifty different colors/patterns. And did you know they have sunglasses now? I want the top style; I'm totally in love with them. (And the hubby's name is Tom so I feel like it would be silly fun to wear shoes with his name on them.)

This poster

Because getting this tattooed on my arm would take up too much space.

Pictures from Little Brown Pen

Just click that link and browse beautiful pictures of Paris. I want the market collection for my kitchen, the green collection for my bedroom, and the red collection for my living room... and all the rest, just because I want to go back to Paris so much it aches sometimes. (The feeling, that is, not Paris. I hope Paris itself isn't aching. It deserves better than that.)

I know it seems silly, but it's actually fun to just talk about things you want that you know you won't get any time soon. I did always find having goals fun (nerd alert! nerd alert!) and I guess this is kind of like that.

What completely unnecessary items are you crushing on these days?

Early birthday fun

Day 26

For my birthday, my brother bought tickets for us (he and I) to go see a play in NYC. It wasn't just any play, though - it was a play, Bella and the Pool Boy, written by his former college roommate and being shown as a part of the NYC Fringe Festival. HOW FUN, right?

And, not only did we go to the play, but we went to dinner at a favorite restaurant first: Republic.

oh heavenly beef skewers with peanuts, noodles, and veggies...

I took my brother to Republic years ago. Or maybe he wanted a Thai restaurant recommendation and I just directed him to it? I don't even remember anymore. For both of us, though, it's our default go-to restaurant in NYC. The food is incredibly delicious, the service is amazingly fast, the location is great (Union Square), the prices are surprisingly reasonable, the decor is super fun (huge photos of people covered with noodles), the waitstaff is always fantastic, and it has communal seating. If you show up with fewer than six or eight people, you will undoubtedly end up sharing a long table and benches with people you've never met before (which I love).

Following dinner, we made our way over to the theater. The cast wasn't allowed in until a certain time, so we actually got to see them outside - which means my brother got to hang out with his former roommate and some other college friends for a bit. It was their opening night, so most of the people in the audience were friends and family (and the show was sold out).

The play itself was great - highly enjoyable. I found the directing to be particularly superb. There's one scene that happens in slow motion that was really incredible. I'm laughing to myself right now just picturing it.

And, coincidence of all coincidences? One of the guys in the play is good friends with my brother-in-law (the hubby's brother). He went to the same Rutgers school as my brother's friends, just a few years later, and they run in the same work circles, basically. So here I was, going to see my brother's friends, and there was someone else that I've seen at parties at my brother-in-law's a bunch of times. I love a small world.

The play was not just enjoyable, but good. You know my barometer for that? I was still thinking about it today - about the themes, the ideas, the jokes, the way it was staged. It was all so good. I really hope - and expect! - to see my brother's former roommate become a big star one day.

I'm a fun copycat.

Life kind of sucks a little bit right now. We're so broke that we can't do anything. Even spending money on gas to get to work is killing us right now. (And really, that's for going to work. We both like our jobs but we'd also like to go elsewhere at some point.)

And my birthday is coming up. I've reached an interesting (at least to me) point with my birthday. I'm not all excited about it, like I might have been ten or more years ago (25 probably remains my favorite birthday, although 30 runs a close second). I'm not depressed about it either since, as far as I can tell, there isn't too much difference between being 35 and being 36. I know motherhood is a big chunk of this, but I'm far less interested in myself than I used to be. At times I do ache for the sort of introspection I used to have the time and energy for, and I do miss it, but I'm okay as I am right now.

But as much as I'm fairly okay with myself right now, I'm not okay with my life. As stated above, it kind of sucks right now. Every day I wake up with Nate. Every day I deal with having a dog I don't want to have. Every day involves meal planning on an invisible budget. Every day involves barely seeing or speaking to the hubby. Every day involves being too tired to focus on much reading. It's monotony and restriction.

So what's the prescription for that? FUN!

Yes, this is still me. Yes, I just used the word fun. I know, not something I discuss much. To be honest, I am completely and totally copying this idea from Maggie Mason. (Oh, and be sure to watch the TED video there. Can I just express how much I want to go to a TED event? So, so very much.)

So here's the plan. I'm going to do at least one fun thing every day for the next 30 days; day 30 will be my birthday (automatic fun!). I thought about doing a different 30 day project - you know, to actually be unique and not a complete copycat but - 1) my brain is too tired to come up with something great that also offers the possibility of being completely free and 2) I could use the fun, really. And having to keep it free is going to force me to be a little inventive on some days and to also look at some things a new way and see the fun where I may not be seeing it right now.

Oh - and I plan to take photos of this fun. We'll see how that goes since I'm not really a good photographer and I don't have Instagram to help me out.

But there it is. Fun. 30 whole days of fun. Well, 30 whole days in which something fun will happen each day. 30 days that are all fun, wholly - well, that's just not happening. This is still me.

Have you ever embarked on a 30 day project?

Happy Birthday Hubby!

Happy 31st Birthday to my hubby today!

(You youngin'!)

source

We might not have enough money to go out to eat tonight

and I might not be able to afford a gift for you this week

but I love you

and we can have Mexican pizzas for dinner tonight

even though we just had tacos last night.

Yes, this is love.

Happy Birthday, honey.