Poor hubby.  He was off from work on Wednesday, so that means it was his responsibility to get up in the middle of the night.  The problem (aside from 4:30am just stinking overall) was that he was unable to sleep until 3:30am due to the terribly long (11 hour!) and stressful (i.e. crappy) work day he had on Tuesday.  Nate usually gets up around 8:15/8:30am, so at 3:30am the hubby is thinking he'll get five hours sleep, totally enough to function.

Except Nate had other plans.  You know that joke about how to make God laugh? (Answer: Make plans.)  I think the same goes for babies.  Want to entertain a baby?  Try to make plans around what you expect them to do.  (This is why taking Nate for his three month pictures and planning his baptism party terrified me.  I knew that "planning" was really just a relative term we adults use to make ourselves feel like we have any iota of control over what a three month old being wants or needs.  Ha, as if.)

But back to the hubby yesterday.  Nate did go back to sleep, but he doesn't sleep long or much during the day so the hubby had about three hours of sleep.  No one was around to come over and help and he didn't feel safe getting in the car and driving anywhere with Nate.  I had those days during my maternity leave and the best you can do is work to keep Nate busy and entertained throughout the day so, if nothing else, he's happy.

So let's be honest: playtime with an infant is more about keeping them busy between naps, diapers, and bottles than it is about much else.  Sure, they're learning motor skills and communication skills and their brain is constantly creating maps about the world around them.  They've got all that going on.  But you, as the central play partner, are basically just keeping busy.

So here's what keeps Nate busy these days, in case you were interested in what a 16 week old boy does with his time (or, more accurately, what we do with a 16 week old boy's time).

The first and still often useful item was/is his Infantino Twist and Fold Activity Mat:

I love everything about this playmat, especially how it's designed.  (And it's designated as a playmat for boys, but really I think it's totally perfect for boys or girls.)  Early on, this became an easy, safe place to put Nate down where I knew he wouldn't fall (like if he wriggled off the couch or a bed) and he would be at least somewhat entertained.  It's also where I would do tummy time with him.  It does "twist and fold" easily so I also take it with me to my parents' house when I go do laundry there on Friday.  The domed parts make me feel even better about leaving him on there because it's like no one can accidentally not realize he's there and step on him.  (Am I the only cuckoo mother that worries about that?)  The domed parts are also good for hanging other things up.

Like... this LeapFrog Caterpillar:

My cousin Linda gave this to me for Nate when he was not even a month old, I think.  And, truth be told, it overwhelmed me at first.  Every button I pushed did something different.  And then when I pushed these other buttons, all the first buttons did something else. (Truth be told, taking a shower and getting dressed overwhelmed me that first month.)  But once I figured it out and Nate started actually enjoying toys (which was after he was already two months old), this became a favorite.  And I have to admit, the songs are really catchy.  You know, the kind of catchy that gets stuck in your head until you want to bang your head on something to get the song out?

Five little ladybugs meet for lunch.  Five little ladybugs munch and crunch.  One! Two! Three! Four! Five!
Four little flowers blowing in the breeze, four little flowers, pretty as you please. One! Two! Three!  Four!

You get the idea.  (Note: doesn't the bluebird look like the Twitter bird??)  Well, Nate loves this toy - and what I've discovered is that he loves things that have voices that talk or sing.  He's not so much into plain music as he is into singing.  (I find this very interesting.)  The caterpillar has velcro straps on it, so it can attach to the dome, stroller, or crib.

Side note: one of his favorite songs to have sung to him is "Do Re Mi" from The Sound of Music, one of my very, very, very favorite movies/musicals of all time (favorite like I can recite every single line of the movie, including all the songs, so you don't want to watch this with me).  Well, he was fussing on my lap a bit Tuesday night when a commercial for a television broadcast of The Sound of Music came on.  He instantly became still and utterly transfixed by the television and the songs.  When I tell you I squee'd with joy, I kid you not.  If he quite possibly loves that movie, I will be the happiest mommy on the block.  (I'll add that I do not want him watching television yet, so I'm actually just hoping he enjoys the music.)

I always knew I wanted Nate to sit at dinner with us, even before he would be eating with us, because I think it's good to have family time at the table and for Nate to see us sitting together, talking, and eating.  It's a key way children become interested in food and begin to learn how eating happens: by seeing others eat.  So how to keep him at the table with us before he's big enough for his high chair?

This Fisher Price bouncy seat was a gift "from" his cousins, TJ and Brooke (my sister's kids).  It's one of the items we use where I can really see how big he's gotten because in the beginning not only couldn't he reach the characters dangling on the bar, he didn't even care they were there.  Now not only does he laugh at them, but he grabs them - with his hands AND his feet!  And on my birthday, he actually dozed off in there while my friends and I ate cupcakes (I don't remember him actually falling asleep in the bouncer ever before or since - must've been a birthday gift for me!).

Nate doesn't sleep in his crib yet (he still sleeps in his Fisher-Price Rock & Play Sleeper in our bedroom).  We have put him in the crib for a few naps recently, but those last about fifteen minutes if we're lucky.  He does hang out in there, though, and "talk to his friends" sometimes while we prepare bottles or dash to the bathroom.  Who are these chatty friends of his?

His Tree Top mobile friends, of course!  He loves this and I've used it so much that I actually know that if you wind it up to the fullest, it runs for two minutes, nearly exactly.  Imagine making dinner in two minute segments while you run back and forth to keep winding up the mobile.  Welcome to some of my evenings.

But this brings us to Nate's room, which also includes his changing table, which he loves.  I take a long time to change his diapers because he loves to lay there and babble to me and practice sitting up (if I let him hold my index fingers, he basically will draw himself up, nearly into a straight standing position).  While he's on the changing table, this often comes into use:

Yes, his American Red Cross Healthcare and Grooming Kit.  He likes the rattle it came with (you can see it here with the yellow, orange, and green balls in it) and he loves having his hair brushed.  (Uh oh, what kind of trouble does that portend?  Or should I be happy he loves his hair being brushed??)  I love the time with him on the changing table; it always feels like special Mommy/Nate time.

But mentioning Nate's love of standing on the changing table brings us to the latest addition to our brood of busy-keeping toys - this Evenflo Exersaucer:

I don't have a link to provide for this, though, because it was voluntarily recalled in 2009 (my sister had it and handed it down to us).  Why are we using a recalled Exersaucer? Well, the recall was only for Stage 3, when you use it open like the lower of the two pictures above.  We don't and won't use it for Stage 3.

We use it as a place where Nate can stand and our arms don't get tired - and (bonus!) we can get stuff done!  The day after we picked up the Exersaucer from my sister's house, I texted her, "The saucer is great! I was able to refill my RX online, empty AND reload the dishwasher, go pee, and change my clothes!"  You don't realize how hard it can get to do those things until you have a little someone who only wants to stand, but isn't capable of standing yet and, thus, requires your arms for assistance all day long.

(I just realized that text makes it sound like I had to change because I peed.  I trust you believe that wasn't the case.  Thank you.)

Now, of course he gets tired in there, but being able to put him in there for even fifteen minutes at a time is a huge, huge help - much better than the two minute increments of the crib mobile.  And he LOVES the Exersaucer.  He spins around with it and pushes the buttons so the music plays and stretches, trying to grab for the various toys.  Sometimes he flings himself around in it in a way that reminds me of early-to-mid 90s moshing.  This teen/20something of the 90s is so very proud of her little moshing baby.

Nate loves to look at letters (like shirts or boxes with words on them), but he isn't interested in books yet unless they play music and sing.  So we don't spend a lot of time looking at books right now, but I hope my next list of "What Keeps Nate Busy" includes some great kids' books.  He already clearly loves The Sound of Music and has a penchant for moshing.  Mommy's little boy has got to love books next, right?

Squarespace's spell check doesn't recognize the word "moshing" and suggests mashing, joshing, and noshing as alternatives - all of which are activities that also keep Nate happy, go figure!  Oh wait, joshing and noshing sounds like something that would come out of that caterpillar toy.  Oh no.  The ladybugs.  They munch and crunch.  Help.  Send help.

But back to the cookbook.  I wanted it almost like I'd want a souvenir.  But once I took it home and had a chance to go through it page by page (which took two or three days, thanks to little Nate), I realized something else.

I want to cook every single thing in this book.

No, really.  I thought that off-handedly and then I thought, "Well, why not?"  It's sort of like Julie & Julia, except without the scary French recipes, the somewhat unlikeable author (I hope, eep), and the extra-marital affair (I really hope).  (Side note - did you know that Julie had an affair that was detailed in the book but left out of the film?  And people already thought the "character" of Julie was unlikeable in the film; no wonder they left out the affair.)

But anyway, this is really nothing like that other than this being another woman (me) hoping to go through an entire cookbook.  I'm sure many others have done it since any time there's a good blog idea, a bunch of copycats appear.

So far I've made four of the recipes in the book, so I've got a few posts to catch up on here, now!  The first one up will be PW's Chicken Spaghetti.  Stay tuned!

He rolled over and I missed it because I was in NYC with a bunch of other women who like to type things and post them on the intarwebs.

Then today, it happened again.  The difference now is that the hubby understands the significance of such things and properly punctuated his text:

"Nate's rolling from back to tummy! He did it twice!"

I.e. I MISSED SOMETHING ELSE.

Gah.  Is this the heart of being a working mom?  Missing milestones?  Being allowed to stay home for six/eight/twelve/fifteen/however many weeks, only to have the big stuff happen in the one day you do something else or during your first/second/whatever week back at work?  Does it mean writing yourself a sticky note so that you remember to add it to the baby book when you get home - and then remembering that you probably didn't write down the front to back rollover from earlier in the month? 

Then thinking, "I hope the sticky note doesn't fall off my dayplanner in my purse" and then thinking, "Well, at least I wrote this blog post; that'll help me remember."

My blog post will help me remember to parent.  Sonofa&*$%&T@$.

No.  My son reminds me to parent.  When I wake up on a day "off" and I see his face, I don't need reminding that I'm a parent (NB: being a parent means not having a day off without "off" being in quotes).  When I get home from work and see his little-but-getting-bigger-every-day face, I am reminded just how much I'm a parent.

And I know there'll be moments I'm there for while the hubby is at work.  Or moments we're both there.  And it feels selfish in a way since I did get to carry Nate for forty weeks and feel the flutters and kicks and talk to him when the hubby couldn't.  So it really only seems fair that Nate now bestows some special moments on his daddy, like there's catching up to be done.

But it still sucks to miss stuff... although I can't imagine there's a way to miss nothing.  You're bound to miss something at some time, so I should get used to it.

I just don't want to miss the first steps.  Crawling, I could deal.  But walking?  I hope I'm there.  I hope the hubby is there, too.  But this kid has his own agenda.

So, Dear Nate: Please do not take your first steps until Mommy AND Daddy are both there to see it.  And until we've moved the coffee table with deadly corners out of the living room.  Thank you.

Other times "I'm going to go hop in the shower" which must indicate a cheerier day than the ones in which I say I'm going "to go grab a shower" which kind of sounds like assault.

So how do you verb your shower? (Or bath. Don't want to be exclusionary here.)

Oh, no wait, that wasn't a bus.  That was my job.

I was happy to go back to work.  I AM happy to go back to work.  I will continue to be happy that I work.  (Can you tell I've been teaching developmental reading and writing all week?  I'm stuck in verb tense conjugation.)

So anyway, work = happy.  But, phew, work = BUSY!  Back in the spring, I was simply doing my job every day (the main function of my job is to supervise a tutoring center).  This job also includes teaching a class sometimes.  Right now it includes teaching two classes.  Two, intensive, "put 12 weeks of material into 4 weeks" classes.  And I do not work on Fridays now so I can be home with Nate (using vacation time and occasional flex time to cover those Fridays).  So now I teach every morning from 8am to 11:30am.  Then I have until 5pm to do the job I used to have all day to do plus I have to complete my teacher prep for the upcoming class session and grade any assignments I've collected.

I'm feeling a bit in over my head.  Just a bit.  Like maybe not over my head, but halfway up it, like my eyes and nose are free, so I can breathe and see what's ahead but I can't open my mouth and go, "Heelllpppp..."  But this isn't entirely because I haven't been at work (although it took a couple of days to start to feel my work rhythm again, and I don't only mean dancing to the copy machine), but also because of this new work load.

I realized, while I've taught two classes previously, I've never actually taught two different courses at once.  I always had two English 101 classes or two English 102, etc.   But now I have a Developmental Reading course and a Developmental Writing course - and the Writing course includes mostly students who are also in the Reading class, so I can't double up any of the work.  Everything must be unique.

Truth be told, it's exactly the kind of work challenge I adore, so I've been having fun putting these courses together.  I just wish I had more time.

But I don't.  I don't have fully free evenings and weekends.  I can't stay late at work.  I can't spend all day Sunday on my sofa in front of America's Next Top Model reruns planning out the next week's lessons.  So I think being a mother has an interesting additional aspect to it: it's going to force me to become a more efficient worker.  I still have to get all my work done (and then some these days), but I have to do it in less time and with more distractions.

So while I'm tired, while I have moments during the day where my head feels swampy - I'm feeling good.  I come home happy that I spent the day at work and, today, I'm looking forward to being with Nate all day (and I'm super excited to sleep in since Nate wakes up about two hours later than I get up for work).  Then tonight my parents are babysitting while I go out to a dinner with friends (it's a no babies allowed thing), but tomorrow he's coming with us as a bunch of us go out to dinner to celebrate my and Danielle's birthdays (which are just ten days apart).  Sunday, I have to do work so the hubby will be on primary Nate duty for a few hours.

It's a lot to juggle, but I feel like we're getting the hang of it.  I know it'll be two steps forward and one step back sometimes, but right now it's feeling like things are at least creeping forward.  And you've got to creep before you crawl before you walk before you run, right?

Last Sunday (a week and a half ago now), Nate was baptized.  He was perfect during church and the party was also perfect.  The rain held out just until my sister thought it was an appropriate time for it to rain so people would go home (ha).

my little angel at church

same angel, ready to party

Last Tuesday, I turned 35 and the hubby bought me these really cute earrings:

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And this totally fantastic necklace:

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I wore the necklace to work yesterday and love every moment of wearing it.  I absolutely adore the asymetry; it really, really appeals to me.

My friends surprised me by stopping by and giving me a gift: a Keurig coffee maker!

I've used it daily since getting it.  So in love.  They also brought over cupcakes from my favorite local cupcake place (which makes the best vegan cupcakes I could imagine - and I'm not vegan but I'm addicted to these cupcakes).  Kate also brought me a cupcake from them - strawberry, my new favorite!

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So I was swimming in delicious cupcakeness.  (And I didn't gain weight.  The cupcakes are magic, I swear.)

My parents gave me a Barnes and Noble gift card, which I used to buy a Lyra Light for my nook and ... THIS:

Oh the heaven that is this cookbook.  It deserves its own post at some point... possibly many posts as I hope to make many of the recipes in it.  I am in love with this book.

I'll also be buying the digital version of:

I'm fairly obsessed with the Flatiron building and NYC history overall so I can't wait to dig into this book!  It's going to have to wait a few weeks, though, since the intensive courses I'm teaching are taking up too much of my time to afford me a full lunch break for reading.

The second half of last week flew.  It was a flurry of time with my sister and her kids, time at my parents' house doing seven loads of laundry, and other marvelous pursuits.  (I'd post a picture of the laundry but, ew, gross.)

So I finished my birthday week/final week of maternity leave sugared up, fully caffeinated, and cleanly dressed.  Not bad.

1. They have new vending machines in the student center.  These include a Blue Bunny ice cream vending machine.  YUM, not that I plan to utilize the machine since I am trying to lose some weight. (Yes, that's a new development; I'll have to go into it another time.)  In addition, all of the machines now take debit/credit cards.  For someone who plans to try and kick her Coke Zero addiction, this is a dangerous machine upgrade.

2. Two of the main programs I use for my job got complete makeovers.  So not only did I have to remember my passwords, I had to learn how to navigate new systems.

3. There's a new librarian (I work in a room in the library).  I like her, though, so that's simply a positive change.

4. I had to make a list on a sticky note and put it on my desk reminding me what I'm actually supposed to be doing at work because I had so totally forgotten my routine.

And 3 Things That Did Not Change

5. It's cold.  I wore a dress yesterday with a short sleeve sweater over it and I was cold, even in my area, which runs warmer than the rest of the campus.  Must remember this (must remember to bring tea to work, as well).

6. Students are not concerned with flushing properly.  I don't know why this is, but it is.  It really isn't that hard to push a handle down and make sure a flush is complete, but it seems to escape them.

7. I like the people that I work with and I especially like the tutors that work for me.  I hadn't realized that I missed them while I was out until I felt happy to see them when they came in yesterday afternoon.

I cried leaving the house.  Thankfully, I was the only one awake, which actually made that much easier.  I touched Nate's knee really lightly before I left, but that was it - I didn't want to wake him up early.  It wouldn't have been good for either of us.

I brought three pictures of him to work, but I knew I'd have trouble putting them out, so I put them in a bag under my desk until I was ready.  I had to teach from 8am to 11:30am, so I wasn't going to be at my desk anyway and wouldn't even have to think about him or the pictures or anything.  In fact, teaching at 8am is probably the best thing about returning.  If you've never taught, you've probably never thought about the energy it takes.  It can take a lot of energy to bring up a classroom of students - especially 18 year old, first time college students taking a non-credit summer course.  Trust me, they're not thrilled to be there.  So I have to harness up my energy and then some to make it look like I really, really, really want to be there and also make that energy contagious.  (It actually works.)   In the meantime, I don't have a moment to feel down or sad or let my thoughts wander.  After three hours of this, the whole issue of being sad getting in the way of work had passed.  I was doing okay and actually really enjoyed my class (looks like they'll be great students to have).

But back at my desk, I wasn't ready for the pictures.  Every time I thought about them, I pictured them and my eyes would well with tears.  So I set myself a goal: put the pictures out by the end of the workday.  This way, I'd have accomplished it today and they'd be out when I got here the next day, not turning this into a two day issue.

At 3pm, I was ready.  I put out the smallest picture first.  Gave it a few minutes.  Then I put out the framed 2x3.  That was okay.  Then I put out the framed 3x5.  Then my eyes welled up, but I held it together.  (I work in a communal space so I can't just sit and cry behind a closed door.  In fact, I sit behind a glass wall; it's like being in a fishbowl.)  But I did okay.  I didn't look at the pictures too much, but they're there and I'm glad they are.

It was strange being at work today.  Every thing I did, I kept thinking, "The last time I did that here, I was pregnant."  "The last time I did that, I wasn't a mom yet."  It honestly felt so strange - a true lifetime passed in the time I was off.  The life I had on my last day at work in May is not the life I have now and will never again be the life I have.  Through and through, I am a different Candice than the one who said, "See you in August!" to everyone at work in May.

The part I feel is most interesting is the lack of guilt that I feel.  I did not feel guilty being at work today.  Not at all.  Whenever I left the house to get a few minutes alone or spent a few hours doing work at a coffeeshop, I felt guilty.  I could have been home but I chose to go out and do work.  I felt like I should have been able to manage planning my syllabi at home.  I always felt (as wrong as it was) that I shouldn't have needed a few hours out of the house and away from my baby.

But I have to be at work.  I can't just up and leave and I certainly can't quit.  And we couldn't afford for me to extend my maternity leave any more (that 2/3 pay is painful, especially when they don't send the checks in a timely manner).  I have to be at work - and that felt completely freeing.  I didn't feel guilty about finishing not just a thought, but many, many strings of thoughts.  I didn't feel guilty being able to read a few blog posts on my lunch break.  Maybe I feel a bit guilty about how not guilty I feel, but that will pass.

Financially, I need to go to work.  For health insurance for my family, I need to go to work.  Personally, I need to be there.  I can't not work.  I can't not have somewhere to go several days a week where I get to push my brain and feel good about all the things I've worked for up until now.  I love to teach.  There were several moments in class today where I felt I was really connecting to the students and that maybe, just maybe, they'll leave this course enjoying reading more than they did when they entered my class today.  (Today's class was a reading skills course.)  Hopefully they'll have more confidence in themselves and their abilities.  Tomorrow I teach writing skills and I strongly suspect I'll feel the same way after that class. 

I don't often boast about what I do (in fact, when pressed, I have a hard time thinking of things I do well), but I remembered today that I am a good teacher.  After months of feeling like I might not be as good of a mom as I'd like to be 100% of the time, I was reminded that I'm never as good of anything as I'd like to be 100% of the time - and that's one of my strengths.  I always want to be more, do more, do better.  Working reminds me of who I am in my core, of things about myself that don't change simply because I've had a baby.

In every aspect I can imagine, today was a success.  Well, okay, getting a surprise raise would have been nice (okay, more than nice) but let's not get crazy.  My sister told me last night that the anticipation of going back to work is far worse than actually going back - and she was completely right.  It might not be that way for other parents - I recognize that - but it is for me.  The various aspects of parenting we all have to decide based on our personal beliefs (breastfeeding vs formula, cloth diapers vs disposable, sleep training, co-sleeping, and so on), we have to take those beliefs and remember who we are as individuals, too.

I'm sure it's hard for men, but I can only speak from the perspective of a woman and I feel as though viewing myself as an individual has been a challenge simply because, for nearly a year, I wasn't an individual.  I carried Nate.  We were two in one.  Just because I'm no longer carrying him doesn't mean he doesn't still feel like a part of my being.

But he's his own person and, little by little, that personality is starting to come through and, as his mom, I need to recognize that we are both individuals with our own needs.  Sure, those needs overlap (especially now) but parenting is a lifelong process, with lessons every step of the way and I feel like I learned a huge one today.

I am myself.  I am a mother.  I am a wife.  I am a teacher.  In many different orders, I am all of those things, all of the time.  And I absolutely love it that way.

Tomorrow, Nate turns 15 weeks old.

Tomorrow, I have to get up two hours earlier than I have been so that I can start teaching a class that starts a half hour before I've been getting up with Nate.  This means he'll be sleeping when I leave.

Tomorrow, I have to either do my makeup in the dark or another room.  (Smart vote: another room.)

Tomorrow, I have to remember what it means to be a working person.  It's amazing what 15 weeks away from your job can do.  It's like my brain is trying to piece together the memory of what it takes to go to work in the morning.

Tomorrow, I have to take my coffee to go.

Tomorrow, I have to pack a lunch.

Tomorrow, the hubby will spend his second full day with Nate ever.

Tomorrow, I have to spend my third full day not with Nate ever.

Tomorrow, I have to decide if I can handle having pictures of Nate on my desk or if they'll make me cry. (My guess is that it's both - I will have to have them there, but they'll make me cry.)

Tomorrow, I'm going to miss watching Charmed reruns, House Hunters, and Income Property.

Tomorrow, I'm going to be happy to have more than 30 seconds to think.  I'm going to enjoy being able to complete a full thought and many full sentences with other adults.

Tomorrow, I have to wear something other than sweatpants or jeans.

Tomorrow, I have to go nearly the whole day without calling someone Peanut.

Tomorrow, I have to teach. I have to lead a classroom.  I have to supervise the tutoring center again. I have to answer emails.

Tomorrow, I have to hold it together.

Trente-cinq.  Thirty-five.

How did I get here?  Yesterday morning I was thinking, "Wow, that's halfway to forty.  No, wait, it's halfway through my thirties to forty.  It's actually halfway to seventy.  Uh.  Whoa."  That certainly put it in perspective.

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I hate when women lie about their age.  I will never be one of those women because I believe in fully owning your age.  Sometimes, however, I do complain about my age.  There isn't enough money in the world to make me agree to be a teenager again.  I really liked being twenty-five.  I liked being twenty-nine.  Thirty was okay.  Since then, though, I haven't found much to like about my age.  My life, yes, but not my age - so I wonder if the secret of your thirties is that they're really not about being in your thirties.

Since turning thirty-four, I celebrated my first wedding anniversary and had a baby.  Pretty big things.  Things that are far bigger than the number that marks my years.  Before my next year marker, I'll have a son who's walking and talking.  That is certainly bigger than increasing a number.  And he'll have his first birthday.  That number matters.

So I'm halfway to seventy today.  I'm tempted to tell people that when they ask how old I am.  Last year I probably wrote my birthday post sitting at a desk, uninterrupted.  This year I wrote it while sitting on the floor next to my son, who was playing on his activity mat, and I interrupted this post sentence by sentence to look at him, interact with him, laugh at him, and with him.

This year, that is what my life became about - creating his life and shaping it.

That said, I've been feeling a sense of renewal since attending BlogHer a week and a half ago.  I streamlined my Twitter and Google Reader feeds and am loving the free time I've found by doing that.  I've started looking discerningly at my wardrobe, trying to figure out how I can liven it up and make it feel more like "me" again.  I've been looking for a new home - one that will suit our needs and allow us the space we need, space to play and breathe, the two biggest things I feel like we are (I am) missing right now.  I get to teach at work for the rest of the year, something that always helps me feel like me.

So I feel like my journey is starting a new chapter this year in several significant ways.  I'm figuring out what it means for me to be a mother.  I'm still learning in my marriage, sometimes every day.  I'm still developing my career.  I'm still a student - and I love it that way.  I don't ever want to stop learning or stop trying to improve my life.

And none of that will ever have anything to do with the number of candles on my cake.  In fact, I'm not even having a birthday cake this year - and that's not on purpose, but it's fitting.  It's just what my life is now.  The hubby won't be home from work until 10pm and we have a busy week beyond that.  My life is no longer about wondering about presents (or even expecting any) and getting people together for a day about me.  Today is just a day like any other this month.  It sounds melancholy but it's not.  It does, though, feel more grown up than I feel.

Are we not supposed to care about our birthdays as we age?  Are we not supposed to still want that day - or at least a little of that day - to just be about us?  I'm not that grown up yet.

So maybe I'll go buy myself a cupcake later and stick a candle in it.  Nate can't sing "Happy Birthday" but he'll give me a big smile and that will do just fine.