Who I want to be

It's complicated, being an adult (for quite a while now, admittedly) and really kind of already being who you are but still feeling like a teenager or twenty-something who's still trying to figure out who she wants to be, what kind of life she wants to live.

Today is the official end of my 101 in 1001 project. Many of the items on my 101 in 1001 list, particularly the incomplete items, indicate the person I wish I was.

For example, I did not complete this:

47. Learn how to use my camera better

As much as I adore photography, surround myself with excellent photographers, and truly admire the photo bloggers I read, I just cannot get myself to get started with photography - or, really, re-started since I did take a class back in high school and another in college. It remains a goal, though. I feel like when the time is right, when I have the mental space to devote to it, photography - good photography - will find its place in my life.

I didn't complete a lot of items about decorating my home and taking time for myself - two things I simply have not been able to create the balanced time for with work, school, and motherhood. I wish I was someone who preferred yoga over television as a means of relaxation, but that's not me right now. 

A lot of the items reflect me at the beginning of my marriage, thinking ahead about what kind of marriage I want to have. What I didn't understand is that I can't just simply wish that marriage into being. Just because I want us to be a couple that takes sweet road trips, prizes weekends away together and loves to sit and watch movies together doesn't mean that's who we are. It doesn't mean I don't think we can change and become more of what I want my marriage to be; it just means it's not innately who we are and having only half of us thinking about it won't change it. As they say, wishing it doesn't make it so.

Many items involve two key things we've been lacking the entire time we've been married: stable employment (for the hubby) and financial security. We're actually significantly worse off now than we were when I started this project. (This month, in particular, is quite trying.)  Without time and money, you can't take a road trip or a weekend away or a lengthier vacation - much less with an infant/baby/toddler, who demands his own concerns in regards to a vacation. My goal now is that next year we'll have our finances in order enough to actually take our first family vacation, which will be the first vacation for the two of us since our honeymoon in 2008 and, of course, Nate's first trip anywhere outside the local area and possibly his first overnight trip.

(For the record, my secondary goal is a trip to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter when Nate's old enough to enjoy it.)

The biggest change from the start of my list to now is that the things I thought would be easy, just simply weren't. Getting a promotion or a new job? Trust me, I've tried. It's just not easy these days. But I've done everything I can to make myself as attractive as possible if either option presents itself. Finding the time, money, and attendees to host a dinner party? Not as easy as it sounds (but a goal I am not giving up on).

There was just so much I didn't take into account. The things I want in life haven't changed - I want to find my truer self, build a better marriage and family, and make time to enjoy life and the opportunities it offers. The main thing this project has given me is a better understanding of the effort needed to achieve the things I want.