A Photographic Memory
Sunday, January 9, 2011 at 7:16PM "Do you have a picture for every day of your childhood?" ~my brother-in-law to my sister one day as he saw the albums upon albums upon boxes upon boxes of pictures of us my parents have in their basement
I have a terrible memory. I have few solid memories before the age of seven and, even then, I'm honestly not sure if they're memories or just events I know happened because we have pictures of them.
I don't remember my sixth birthday, but clearly it happened.
(Aw, look at my summer tan - that never happens now.)
When my sister was a baby, she had crazy, dark brown/almost black hair that stuck out in every direction.
Do I remember that directly? No. Do I remember my sister as a baby at all? Actually, no. And I was four years old when she was born.
Do I remember doing the dishes as a child?
Yes, that I remember. But that happened repeatedly and I have to be about eight years old in this picture. (And, I would like to note, please notice who is actually doing the chore, thank you very much. This is still my life. Thankfully those high-waisted husky jeans are not still a part of my life, yikes.)
It's hard, sometimes, having a bad memory. I wish I remembered more of what it was like to be a child. One of my earliest solid memories, which I know is a true memory because there are no photos, is when I fell off the top bunk bed when I was seven. I banged my face on the ladder on the way down and ended up with a black eye. This got me excused from gym for the week and what this meant in elementary school was that I got to sit on the piano bench on the side while my class took gym. (Gym class happened in the all-purpose auditorium where we also had music class.) My mom bought me two new dresses so I could feel pretty despite my black eye.
Unfortunately, one of my classmates didn't feel the same way and told me I looked like a fat lollipop in my new dress. 1 - Nice seven year old, right? 2 - What is a fat lollipop? Lollipops are already round; aren't fat and round kind of synonymous, at least to seven year olds? But the phrase "fat lollipop" sticks out in my head so strongly, I have no doubt in my mind that that's exactly what he said.
I also remember exactly who said it. Not long ago, I ignored his friend request on Facebook. Is it wrong that the comment still stings nearly thirty years later? Probably. But he and I were never friends anyway. In the fourth grade, we had a history project to complete and one of the options was to make a puzzle map of the original thirteen colonies. My dad helped me make one out of cardboard, carving out the states individually, coloring them in, writing their names, labeling the Atlantic Ocean. My dad helped with the carving, but I did most of it myself.
This other kid, he also came in with a map - a wood one that was clearly carved out with wood tools, the type a parent would have AND have to use. And the handwriting? Not a nine year old's. I remember being annoyed that it appeared he had nothing to do at all with his entire project. Of course, I have no idea what grade he earned.
So there are two memories, I suppose, both fairly negative. That's the problem sometimes; my early memories are few and far between and so many of them are unhappy. I wouldn't say I had an unhappy childhood; I did get picked on a lot, but I've learned that most people seemed to. It's just that those moments always stung so much that they stayed with me and I have a hard time remembering joyous moments that resonated with the same power.
In adulthood, there are many, thankfully. Good times in college, good times going out in my 20s, making new friends through my husband in my 30s - and now, all the memories we're building with Nate. I still find myself clinging to the negative moments, though; I sometimes think about sad or aggravating moments that happened years ago. What for? Why?
But I take pictures of the good moments, the happy ones, the things I want to remember, big and small. We have a ton of pictures of Nate's first Christmas, but I also take pictures like this one - Nate's first time having toast, today at brunch.
It's a small, seemingly insignificant moment, but it's one I know now I'll never forget. I don't think I'll ever become someone who shrugs off negative moments easily, but I can be someone who actively counterbalances them with positive memories.
This post is an entry for the Living Out Loud project. This month’s theme was “Total Recall”. If you’d like to take part in future projects, click here!
Reader Comments (1)
You've described some personal, not so happy events in such detail, I almost felt like I was there. I have some of those moments too and they do tend to swallow the good memories. I don't know why that is. I find that if I try to forget the bad memories, it takes some of the good with them like a black hole. But, here's to making more good ones.