A Resolve to Evolve

One thing I know for certain: I lost myself a bit in 2010.

Part of this wasn't so much a loss of self as much as it was a turning over of myself to motherhood.  I give it my all, but at times I didn't make sure I had enough of me left for myself.

As I've mentioned a bunch of times, my car is unreliable.  We put over $8,000 of repairs into it last year and there are still dashboard lights that won't go off and a slow brake line leak.  Every day when I get in my car, I hold my breath while I turn the key, hoping the car starts.

I realized today that I have been my car in the past half year.  I've been holding my breath, just hoping I can keep going - wake up with Nate at night, take the dog out for a walk in the morning, stay awake all day long to take care of Nate (on days I'm home alone), get the cooking, cleaning, and laundry done, not just do my job at work, but excel at it - and, now, this month, pick up graduate classes again. There were many days that I was my engine - unsure if I could turn it all on and get where I needed to go, yet again.

But in the midst of keeping all these parts of the engine running, I want to be a good mother and a good wife - not just fulfill the roles, but enjoy them, get joy from them.

So far I have spent 2011 doing three main things:

1. Spending time with Nate and the hubby.

2. Watching OWN (the new Oprah Winfrey channel).

3. Reading Karen Waldron's The Beauty of Different.

The combination of these activities has made me realize that I don't need to be wistful for who I used to be and the life I used to live.  I can be my authentic self and live more of the life I want without sacrificing parts of the engine.

Part of this resolve involves taking a leap of faith - that certain parts of life will be easier to manage as Nate gets older.  He's already easier to care for than he was as a newborn.  It's already easier for me to find time for certain things, like thinking or reading, than it was when he was an infant.

And the hubby won't be working 60+ hours a week forever.  In fact, he might even have a couple of days off next week.  I won't always have to do all the cleaning, all the cooking, all the laundry on top of my job.

I used to live a creative life.  I looked at the world with a writer's eye, wrote in a journal regularly, and wrote poetry.  I do very little of that now - and I miss that part of myself.  That kind of mindfulness enriched my life by slowing it down - or slowing my mind down, more specifically.

So how to do that now, when the time to even complete a thought not related to work, childcare, or home is minimal?

I still plan to make a vision board for 2011.  I should probably try to do that sooner than later so it can do its work.

And I think I want to start journaling again, but not in the way I used to where I just wrote and wrote and wrote.  Not to take too much inspiration from one place/person, but I really like Karen Walrond's approach to journaling.  Between my hectic mornings, hectic workdays, lunch hours spent on errands, and evenings spent tending to child and home, I don't know how much time I'll have for this but I'm going to give it a go.  I feel like I just need to, like this one thing is going to help me in so many other areas of my life by helping me find and have a creative, mindful center.

Hopefully this blog will reflect a renewed focus, too.  Blogging has felt a bit obligatory once in a while and I absolutely hate that feeling.  What happens is that there's a post or series of posts I want to write, but I can't find the time to write it/them, so I post something else instead.  No more.  I expect better of myself.  Not more - better.

I've really enjoyed reading all of the resolutions and anti-resolutions posts over the past few days.  I hope everyone has taken some time over the past few days to look around and think about where they want their lives to go this year and in years to come - or even not necessarily where they want them to go, but how they want their lives to be.

How do you want your life to be?  Are you doing anything about it?