The Mommy Brain: they don't explain
Friday, July 23, 2010 at 6:30AM As my pregnancy progressed, I got progressively more forgetful. I was told and read that this is because the baby is taking all of your energy and/or you're so preoccupied with the baby that everything else seems less important. (For what it's worth, I think it's both.) What I was also continually told, though, was that it got worse once the baby was born.
Now, I took this to mean that my memory would get worse - that I would get more forgetful. But, no, this is not what they mean by mommy brain. No one actually tells you what the truth behind mommy brain is. But I'm a good friend like that so I'm going to share.
Mommy brain is the complete inability to focus on anything 100%. I feel as though never again will I be able to focus on something without Nate being somewhere on my mind. If he's near me, I have one eye and one ear on him at all times (unfortunately for my conversation partners). If for some reason he's not near me (I went out and left him home with the hubby), my mind is half on him the entire time I'm out and I probably have my phone in my hand just in case the hubby texts or calls with a question or emergency.
I am no longer ever fully in the moment except, of course, when I'm entirely focused on Nate, like when I'm holding him and we're "talking" (I talk to him and he coos and oohs and ahhs back - he's quite the conversationalist!). In those moments, I'm 100% in the moment with Nate. But beyond that, he's always got half of me.
We were attached and so I truly feel like he's a part of me that has been separated from my being. A year ago, I would have thought that statement was utterly ridiculous and completely over-emotional. Now? I think it every day. Every time I change his diaper and look at his belly button and tell him that's where he and mommy were connected, tears come to my eyes.
(I really need to cut this out because 1 - I don't want his subconscious baby memories of me to be me always crying and 2 - if I keep telling him this, he's going to ask sooner than later where babies come from, which I won't be ready to discuss for another, oh, gazillion years. Well, okay, maybe a little less than a gazillion.)
Two weeks from today I'm attending the BlogHer '10 conference. (Yes, lil ol' me with my tiny little blog is going to BlogHer. What can I say - it's 10 miles from my house and I was able to pay the student rate to go. How could I not resist? And then I won a guest ticket so Danielle of Delightfully Sweet could also go!)
The first day of the conference, there's a BlogHer Newbie Breakfast at 8am, which means getting on a bus to NYC by at least 7am. Then there are sessions all day long, books and swag to investigate, and the Keynote, which ends at 6pm. Then there's a reception, which may be interesting. But basically, I'm going to be away from Nate for over 12 hours.
I haven't done that yet. In fact, I haven't been away for more than three hours, I believe (three hours I spent running errands and grocery shopping). And the hubby is working from 10:30am to 9pm that day, so my best friend, favorite photog, and Nate's soon-to-be godmother, Kate, will be babysitting for Nate. I have zero worries about leaving Nate in Kate's more than capable hands. In fact, it's Kate who taught me everything I ever learned about babysitting, so Nate probably owes quite a lot of his care to the things Kate helped me learn 15+ years ago.
Kate's not the issue. My mommy brain is. I want to LOVE BlogHer. I want to have the BEST time. I need the break. I want to be completely in the moment. But I know I won't be able to, so now I have to figure out how to live in the balance, how to live in two minds at once.
I've been struggling lately with reconciling my new life with my old life. It's hard to handle not being able to do certain things (like a spur of the moment bookstore run - or a spur of the moment anything, for that matter). It's hard to know you'll probably never sleep in again for years. It's hard to want a break SO badly but then spend the entire break worrying something is going wrong with the little one you want the break from. I feel like a broken puzzle.
But parents have been managing this for as long as time has marched on, so I know I'll get the hang of it somehow, some day. Back when I was 16, my driving instructor took me on the highway during my first driving lesson. It was scary, but not unlike ripping a bandage off quickly. Once it's done, it's done.
So the BlogHer conference is my highway, my bandage. And I'm going to grit my teeth, smile, and just go for it.
Nate, baby, blogging, it's not easy, life, parenting, things that make me worry, women's issues in Baby, Blogging, Parenting, family, life 
Reader Comments (3)
I am so excited for your BlogHer adventure! Please take lots of photos and don't spare any details for I will be living vicariously through your experience!
Mommy Brain hit me so hard--especially when I went back to work. Somehow the combination of sleep deprivation, old life vs. new life and taking care of a tiny helpless being turned my brain to mush. I couldn't focus on anything. It was awful. Totally didn't help my PPD that's for sure.
Oh hooray! I'm looking forward to meeting you in person at BlogHer. :)
I am so very much jealous of your BlogHer trip...but greatly appreciate the insight into Mommy Brain! I've always wondered about that...