Things I Miss Friday: my body
Friday, April 9, 2010 at 11:01AM I always thought I wouldn't be one of those women who bemoaned "losing" their body during pregnancy because I never really found mine. I've been a size 26 and I've been a size 12 and everything in-between, all in the past six years. I don't really know what "my" body is, shape and size-wise. So, really, I'm not about to complain about size so much. I guess the best way to put it is that I miss having some peace and quiet within myself.
It's great to know The Force is doing well by feeling him kicking and squirming around, but honestly? At times it's kind of annoying. That is probably one of the most un-PC things I could say right now and some swarm of people is probably going to come take him away from me in the hospital for saying that, but it's the truth. Sometimes I just want to sit at work without the squirming interrupting my thoughts every few minutes.
I want to be able to sit at my desk and not feel pressure in my right ribs if I hunch over a little. I don't know what's over there, but he's storing something there and it feels like a small suitcase.
I want to go back to normal bathroom behavior. Feeling like I have to pee like crazy and then going to the bathroom and just peeing a tiny bit is getting old. And I won't even mention the rest of the bathroom issues. Nothing serious, just... well, something I prefer to have reliable and regular, let's say.
I want to go back to waking up without my left leg and my right ear aching. Yes, left leg and right ear. I flip from side to side as I sleep (more on that in a second) because you're only supposed to sleep on your side (preferably left side) when pregnant (sleeping on my back is uncomfortable now anyway and sleeping on my stomach is completely impossible). When I lay on my left side for too long, my outer left thigh gets achy and a bit numb (this also happens if I stand too long or sit in an uncomfortable chair for long). When I sleep on my right side, my right ear aches. It's a no-win. Thankfully, it's not really disrupting my sleep much (or I'm tired enough to sleep through most of it).
I want to be able to turn over in my sleep without feeling like I'm trying to steer the Death Star through a k-turn.
I want to get out of bed at night without feeling like I need a pulley system (for some reason, it's much easier to get up in the morning).
I want to be able to lift and move things without everyone going, "Should you be doing that?"
I want to bend over without seeing stars (this only happens late in the day, after dinnertime).
I want to eat and drink without having to think about its effects on The Force.
I want a damn mojito. Or several. With extra lime (mmm lime). And then in the morning I want a Bloody Mary and a cup of regular coffee.
I wonder if I'll miss having people ask how I'm feeling. While it got a bit tedious for a while, I understand people are just interested and being nice. I wonder if I'll be like, "Wah, no one cares anymore how I'm doing."
I'm tired of wondering if I'll be able to breastfeed. I wish my breasts would give me SOME signal or sign.
I'm tired of everyone talking about my weight. I've had a lifetime of that already.
I just want to wake up and feel like I own my body again. I know it'll never fully be the same, especially if I am able to breastfeed, but I want to sleep on my stomach and not feel like a walking incubator with an alien inhabitant.
I don't want to sound like an ingrate, though. I'm very grateful this pregnancy has progressed as easily and as smoothly as it has. Immensely grateful. And I marvel at what the human body is able to accomplish. And I'm not ready for this little boy to be born yet, but I'm near ready to feel like myself again. I actually have this odd feeling that I'm going to feel better than ever after I recover from giving birth - like I'll feel better than I did before I got pregnant. I don't know why I have this gut (har har) feeling... overly cheery pregnancy hormones? Maybe. But it feels real and I'm looking forward to feeling super great.
Reader Comments (7)
I just had a baby 4 months ago. and your "gut" feeling about feeling so incredibly great after giving birth might be right! I felt AMAZING about 5 days after my c-section. I was so relieved not to be pregnant anymore. At first, I couldn't even figure out why I felt so amazing. Then I remembered - I had felt lousy for 9 months straight and all of a sudden I had my body back! even 4 months later, it still feels SO good not to be pregnant.
Oh, a mojito sounds AWESOME! mmm....
A friend of mine had her baby two months ago and one of the things she said that I never thought of before and never really heard anyone say before is that it was weird to not feel her little girl kicking around anymore. I bet that's kind of bizarre. You have this little body kicking around for months and months and then you don't. I mean, I know you have your baby, but then your insides are all empty again.
Although, that means you're back to "normal" and feel all the good things that the lady above just listed. And my friend said the same thing. She said practically instantly the backache was gone, the heartburn, everything. Definitely looking forward to that.
Oh, and I know what you mean about trying to turn over at night. I don't even care if I slam into my husband. And I could definitely use the pulley system you're talking about.
This post sounds as if I could have written it! I feel the exact same way...and a little guilty about it too. Like it makes me a bad mother or something.
Thanks ladies. I'm lucky in that I haven't been feeling sick or too achy at all; I guess I'm just kind of inconvenienced - which, yeah, makes me feel like I'm already being a bad mom. :-/ But I have to think that it's normal to feel a bit out of step with yourself through this process.
I was late in feeling the baby kick and I don't know if I feel it as much as other women seem to (maybe b/c I'm at work all day and not sitting there paying attention to it). So I wonder if I'll miss it - that's a really interesting point. Right now when he kicks it's like, "Oh yeah, I'm pregnant." It still leaves my mind sometime. LOL
I hate being pregnant. Hate it. I love babies, I love being a mom, but I just do not enjoy pregnancy. I felt sooooooo good after my daughter was born. Even with a broken tailbone, I STILL felt a zillion times better than I did the last maybe six weeks of pregnancy. I think it's mainly the sleep issues that get me. I'm a person who doesn't function well at all without enough sleep, and I literally cannot sleep for more than 3-4 hours a night the last couple of months of a pregnancy. I'm sleeping much better with a newborn than I was when pregnant. I also don't do well when I'm not eating enough, and I get reflux so bad the last trimester that eating is pretty much torture.
I'm generally not a drinker, but for maybe the last month I was pregnant I wanted a beer so bad. Of course, as soon as I gave birth, I didn't want it anymore, but I was definitely missing being able to drink if I wanted.
I mainly wanted to comment on your breastfeeding concerns, though. If it's any consolation, I've had no sign, in either of my pregnancies, that my body was getting ready to produce milk. I never leaked anything, I never had much soreness, nothing. I did get bigger, but that was it. But I haven't had any problems with breastfeeding, and I actually tend to overproduce milk. (The first few weeks after I give birth, before I get my supply straightened out, I can hand express a full bottle in maybe 10 minutes. I make tons of milk.) So I wouldn't worry at all that not having any signs now means anything about your ability to breastfeed.
Confidence is so important with breastfeeding. I have very large breasts (which only get bigger when I'm pregnant and nursing--I currently weigh 10 pounds less than I did before I got pregnant but am up 2 cup sizes) and felt really un-confident about being able to breastfeed. I was sure I wouldn't be able to get the hang of it and the size of my breasts would be a problem. With my first, I think my lack of confidence got me discouraged really quickly. I was able to get the hang of it before we left the hospital, but it was slow-going.
This time around, knowing that I had breastfed successfully before and having some idea of what to do, I had my daughter nursing maybe 15 minutes after she was born. She just latched on like a champ and went to it. Some of it, I think, is her (she's a champion eater), but a lot of it was my feeling more confident.
So I'd say keep the attitude that you will be able to nurse successfully. Most women can. If you can't, that's okay, and your baby will be just fine, but I'd say expect it to work out and keep the attitude that your body can do it, and it will make the process a whole lot easier.
@Lori - Thank you SO much for your comment. I'm sorry you hate being pregnant, but I'm glad you really enjoy your babies and have such a great experience breastfeeding. You've given me some good hope. :)
Wow! Interesting. I've never been pregnant, but this is a very eye-opening look at what it might feel like! :)