The Frustrations of Secret Rehab
Thursday, February 18, 2010 at 11:47AM Thank you to everyone who commented or messaged me yesterday about my post. The support and good thoughts really mean a lot. There are only a few people in my life who I can speak to about this with all the details, so it's helpful to have an outlet where I can speak about it at least just a little more, even if it's without many of the main points.
But that's one of my biggest frustrations with this - the shame behind the process. If this person had cancer, there'd be prayer request emails being sent, Facebook messages being posted, and open blog posts discussing diagnosis and treatment. But because this is addiction, because this still holds the old remnants of the idea that "it's that person's personal weakness that did this," we're mute. Not even mute, but muted. Stifled. Shushed. And not necessarily because the family and closest friends to this person feel this way, but because others just outside the circle would use this information, this situation, to their own mean-spirited advantageous.
Which is beyond frustrating. It's infuriating. There is one person in particular to whom this information must never be given, and it's causing a whole trickle-out effect of people who can't know. It feels so remarkably unfair. I know there are meetings like Al-Anon, but I don't want to go to a meeting. I just want to talk with the people I know. I want to express the mix of relief and grief and anger I feel with people I know.
When someone has a disease, like cancer or ALS, people rally around them. The troops are called in, so to speak; the wagons circle. The person is told how strong they are, how brave they are, how they can fight this - and how they're not fighting it alone.
But addiction? Shhhhhh. I understand that part of the treatment involves the patient having no contact with loved ones for stretches of time (and it makes sense). But where are the troops? Where are the messages of support? Yes, they're coming in droves from those of us allowed into the inner circle - but beyond that? Shhhhh, what problem?
This wasn't this person's fault. This wasn't their family's fault. It doesn't make them less of a person, nor should it have any bearing on their future responsibilities as long as they have a positive recovery and stick to whatever plan they have in place to manage these issues for the rest of their life.
We should be able to be open about these things and I hate that we're not. And I'm tired of using the plural "they" pronoun so as to avoid any "he/she" gender markers. (I know, minor concern - but, hey, I'm a writing teacher and using "they" instead of a singular pronoun is one of my biggest pet peeves - and now I'm forced to do it continually. And, sometimes, focusing on a small annoyance is a relief after dwelling on the big one.)
So I'm left with grammar concerns because I can't talk about my theories as to why this addiction happened or the ways it has specifically affected me because I am so close to this person. And that's just purely frustrating.
Reader Comments (5)
I wish that I some encouraging words for you. Unfortunately, I don't think I have been in a situation quite like yours. However, I do know what it is like when you want to write about something but can't for fear of saying too much. That's a hard one for me. I am sending you and those close to you lots of positivity!
I completely agree with you that it is so very sad that we feel like we have to hide family member's addiction problems. I'm sorry you have to go through this and cannot talk about it. The fact that they are getting help is fantastic! I hope everything work out for the best.
I agree that it's unfortunate that there is shame associated with addiction, but I disagree that other diseases (cancer, for instance) are immune to discrimination and judgment. I help facilitate a lung cancer support group and people often disregard the feelings of patients diagnosed with lung cancer (and other cancers) because, as you mentioned with addictions, people feel the patient is responsible for their diagnosis. "You smoked therefore it is your fault and you deserve this." Granted, smoking increases your risks -- and so on -- but most of my group members have never smoked a day in their lives. They often feel like they need to hide their disease because it is "shameful" or they feel angry at the system.
I could go on about this for hours, but my point is simply that people face stigma and criticism any where you turn. I think it applies to addictions, cancer, mental illness, HIV/AIDS, etc. It's extremely unfortunate and downright heartbreaking. It may be the result of several factors such as fear, a lack of understanding, and a need to explain why one person "deserves what they got." Does that make sense? (I'm not quite as articulate as you are!) I think it is highly respectable to protect the identity of the person you were talking about, but you are still sharing a personal experience with addictions. I think that is a huge step! It is important to promote awareness and educate the community on issues which may be misunderstood or taboo. I think you are doing this by writing this post and the one before.
@Sara: thank you for that really insightful comment. I guess because I don't ever think of cancer or HIV or AIDS as "deserved" I forgot that other people do. :( You're completely right - it's extremely unfortunate and totally heartbreaking.
I still wish I could share more because each incident of addiction has its own complicating factors that I think could be helpful to people in similar situations, but maybe just talking about it at all is helpful, as you suggest. I hope so, anyway.
Again, thanks for the great comment.
That's good that you don't automatically think cancer is deserved! Whoo! Patients love people like you.
Thanks for the posts. They have been really insightful. I also dislike insurance companies (just saw your latest post).