The Post I Can't Write
Wednesday, February 17, 2010 at 11:49AM Note: all identifying details (gender, etc) are purposefully absent from this post so as to protect the identity of the subject.
Someone I care about deeply took a great, brave step yesterday and checked into a substance abuse treatment center.
I want to write about it here, but I can't. As much as I have my story to tell and as much as my process through this belongs to me, the identification of the person and problem does not.
So I will say this much: don't give up on the people who are struggling with a problem or addiction. I'm sorry to admit I have walked away from people in the midst of their struggles before. I couldn't see what was going on with them; I could only see how it was all affecting me. Me, me, me. If there's anything I've learned in the amorphous shift one makes from an adult in her twenties to an adult in her thirties, it's that I need to stick it out and stand by people a bit longer. There isn't as much harm in having your life disrupted as there could be in walking away from someone who needs you.
I'm not the sort to pray in the traditional sense, meaning that I don't say words assuming that there is a being out there who has the ability to change anything about my life (or anyone else's) based on what I ask or say. I don't have that faith. The hubby does, my parents do, and many of my friends do. And right now, I know those prayers are in action - and I find that comforting. And I have found myself sending questions and requests out into the ether, with no idea why I was doing so - but just feeling like at least it was something I could do. I don't know how to reconcile my belief in the power of prayer when I don't believe in the whole act of praying, but I think there's good that comes from thinking hopeful and positive thoughts about people you love, people who are in need, people for whom your heart is aching.
So, that's what I'm doing. It feels like a nightmare has come to an end - but it's the sort of nightmare you're not sure won't return when you go back to sleep. Rehab doesn't always work. People struggle and relapse; it is often just a part of the process. I can't imagine having to do all of this again with this person, but I will if I have to they need me to. In the meantime, while I wait until they are released, I'm supporting those who are also awaiting the person's return. It's not just the addict who needs help; those around are often left feeling helpless, thinking, "I could have done more. I should have done more" when, really, they did all they could.
Lots of tears. Lots of deep breaths. Lots of work to keep me busy. Lots of positive and hopeful thoughts for the process ahead.
Reader Comments (7)
I am sending lots of positivity to you and yours. Good luck.
One of our very good friend was actually admitted into the rehab for substance abuse less than a month ago. I can totally sympathize with your pain and guilt. But please don't blame yourself. We had no idea it was going on. Most people don't. You can only pray and thinking positive. I'm here if you want to talk.
You know I'm not a prayer either, but I'm keeping good thoughts for you and your loved one. It's a hard struggle I know that very well...stay strong they will need to borrow your strength at some point.
Thanks everyone. Truly.
I wish I could say we didn't know, but we did... every day... for years. I don't blame myself, but others I know are doing so. I'm doing all I can to help them.
going into rehab is a huge step. i'm still in the closet myself about my eating disorder. i reveal all in my anonymous blog, but not to all friends and loved ones. i'm just not ready to tell everyone in my life about it yet as i've only known i've had a disorder for over two years. (the three decades of compulsive overeating, i thought i just had a 'sweet tooth'.) i guess i still feel some shame. what i'm trying to say is that i know what it's like from that side of the coin.
it sounds like you are being a great friend. you can only do so much. it is your friend that needs to come to grips with their emotional problems and find a healthier way of dealing with them. you already seem ready to get on the support train once they are out. that is all you can do. hang in there!
What a beautiful, eloquent post.
Your beliefs (or lack thereof) sound a lot like mine. So know that I will be "praying" for you and your loved one. I will say this: I think they've already got good energy on their side if they've got someone like you in their life. :)
@Kristan - thank you so much for your kind words.