The universe's balancing act
Wednesday, November 24, 2010 at 6:30AM I may not have a strict belief in a higher power, but I do believe there are forces and actions that equal things out. I know this viewpoint comes from a place of privilege, but it is how I've experienced the world.
So when I found myself recently bitter about all of the hoopla over a coworker's baby shower, I sat and tried to think about why this inequality occurred. My family threw me a fantastic baby shower that I loved every minute of. And I did have two small baby showers at work - one at the campus I work at and one with my base department (the members of which are spread out over several campuses). Both showers had about five people at them. The one at the campus I work at was very clearly thrown together at the last minute and involved no planning. There was a cake and a baby store gift card (which, don't get me wrong, I greatly appreciated) - but there wasn't a reserved room on campus, there were no decorations, diaper towers, huge gifts, ballooons, or baby shower plates and cups, and the entire campus administrative staff certainly did not receive an email from the campus chief operating officer about a fake mandatory meeting that would be the cover for the shower, much less three other reminder emails.
I can only guess this was because most of my coworkers didn't realize I was pregnant unless I told them. At the staff meeting two weeks before my last day, I mentioned it'd be my last meeting until September and was met with half a room of, "Why???" "Uh, because I'm pregnant?" "Oh, congratulations! When are you due?" "Two weeks, roughly." "What?! Where is that baby?" as I mumbled for what felt like the hundredth time, "Yeah, I know, I haven't gained much weight, but he's in there!"
It's not like I feel cheated, really (because that would seem unattractively materialistic to me) and it's not that I'm such good friends with my coworkers that my feelings are hurt (although I am feeling a little undervalued). It's just that it was another episode where having a pregnancy that didn't fit "the norm" had me feeling left out of this universal experience.
No one would mistake my coworker for anything but 8 or 9 months pregnant. Turns out she is 8 months pregnant but she does look near term, so I heard a few, "So, how many you got in there? Two? Three?" comments - which, really, are no better than my, "Wait, you're pregnant? Where is he?" comments as my belly got stared at.
If there's anything I learned in pregnancy, it's that it's a unique experience. No two pregnancies (even in the same woman) are the same. And we're all different, so why shouldn't our gestations be different?
In the end, I'm still happy to have had the pregnancy I did. Sure, I missed out on some very typical, standard pregnancy experiences, but in the end I benefited by having a "small" pregnancy. I lost my pregnancy weight by the time I came home from the hospital. Since then I've lost an additional 25 pounds. I didn't have to deal with people telling me to watch my weight during my pregnancy, like I had been told my whole life. Basically, I had the pregnancy that was best for me. It might not have been made for inducing people into throwing huge baby showers because I was waddling around for months, but it made me happy. It was my pregnancy. I don't do much in the same way that everyone else does, so why would I do this the same way as someone else?
We have to cherish our bodies and the amazing things they do - and honor other people's bodies, as well. I attended that baby shower and wished my coworker well and pointed out how useful certain things were that she received. And I'm glad she has all that support and good cheer from our coworkers. I always have to remind myself that we don't know other people's stories. Who knows how much this meant to her? Maybe it meant nothing, who knows - but she seemed genuinely happy and grateful. And the more happy pregnant women there are, the better.
Reader Comments (3)
I'm really glad you blogged about this experience and how it made you feel. I think sometimes putting it on paper helps us come to terms with things that feel off or weird to us, and then in retrospect, we feel better. You had, as you said, the best pregnancy FOR YOU. And for Nate. And in the end, that is what matters most. It's hard not to get caught up in society's expectations ... but you're an amazing mom and your pregnancy did not dictate that--YOU do.
You know, I worry about people not recognizing that I'm pregnant. I'm overweight and could pass for a few months pregnant after eating a big meal, so I'm afraid no one will ever think I'm pregnant. And yet I'm not sure why? Probably just because I'll look fatter than what I currently am, not because it will make me any less pregnant. Totally irrational and stupid though...
I'm still really bummed that I didn't get a baby shower. Our families didn't throw one because we live so far away from them and our co-workers/students cancelled ours without asking us what we wanted after P was born. I just wanted to celebrate this new life coming into the world, ya know? I wanted to play silly shower games. I wanted people to guess if I was having a boy or a girl. But we didn't have any of that :(
However, we got a great kid anyway :)