My body of work
Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 11:03AM Some things just feel too difficult. Two-thirds of the way through my thesis, I seriously contemplated giving up on it, maybe taking a second comprehensive exam in the fall instead or writing the thesis over the summer. But I have a terrible amount of pride about some things and would never EVER have wanted to admit to a living human being that I gave up on something or put it aside.
As mentioned previously, Imagine Today has declared August Self-Esteem Awareness Month and is doing a month of "exercises" about self-esteem. I've been following along and doing the exercises in my own way, even if I didn't mention them here.
Until this Monday. This Monday the "assignment" was:
Set aside some time and write about your relationship with your body & the life experiences that have come to shape that relationship. Push yourself to really be honest and think about the cause & effect of things – sometimes knowing why you feel bad is all you need to stop feeling bad (and sometimes its just a fantastic first step!)
Sure. Let me get right on that.
Is she kidding?? No, of course she's not - and that's the point: I should be able to do this. Ideally, one day I'll be able to do it without crying.
Lately I've been exploring the Fat Acceptance (FA) world a bit. I haven't started reading Kate Harding's book yet - I will soon (want to finish another book first) - but I've been reading stuff in the "Fat-O-Sphere" (a collection of blogs that discuss FA, positive body image, and related issues) and forcing myself to keep reading, even when I find myself feeling uncomfortable. (I have a hard time with the people who are really militant about it because I am uncomfortable with people who are really militant about anything - I'm fairly non-confrontational - and I have a hard time with the people who have no patience for those of us who are new to this and still learning. But I try not to take those attitudes personally and keep reading.)
Yesterday provided a small break-through - an epiphany, if you will. (Epiphany, by the way, is one of my favorite words. I even used to work for something by the name.) Through the Fatosphere, I was introduced to "The Adipositivity Project." (Note: NSFW.) Their mission statement:
"The Adipositivity Project aims to promote size acceptance, not by listing the merits of big people, or detailing examples of excellence (these things are easily seen all around us), but rather, through a visual display of fat physicality. The sort that's normally unseen.
The hope is to widen definitions of physical beauty. Literally."
I clicked through the site for nearly an hour last night, viewing all these bodies that were at once familiar (because they look like mine does look/has looked) and unfamiliar (because we don't normally see bodies this size unless they're being used as bad examples or sources of humor).
Wait . . . so this body that I've inhabited . . . I've been trained to see it as a bad example or something to poke fun at? Right. Of course.
But that wasn't the epiphany. A lot of the pictures show women entirely naked or in lingerie or their underwear. It's hard to describe the thought process that went through my mind when I came across one particular picture because the thoughts all hit at once (all voices are mine):
"Oh, I always wanted that bra."
"She looks really beautiful . . . pretty hot, actually."
"She's like my size, I think."
"Hm, she's my size so that might be what I'd look like in that bra and panty set?"
"Wait . . . so I might be beautiful in it?"
". . ."
"So all those times I'm getting dressed or undressed and my husband says I'm hot, he's not just being nice?"
*Still looking at the picture*
"He sees this when he sees me in my underwear? This . . . hotness? . . . Really?"
"And I think she's hot so . . . somewhere inside I think I'm hot?"
Enter the crying.
I spent more time looking at the pictures and on the way home, thought about what life would be like if it were saturated with a variety of body images, not just ones size six and under. It's almost unimaginable to me.
The assignment is really to talk about the cause and effect about the relationship with your body, but I'm not ready to do that here. I think about it a lot, though.
While I know that I have to rely on myself for my self-esteem, I'm so glad that I have a supportive and loving husband who I'm finally beginning to think might not be crazy for loving me as I am.
Reader Comments (8)
This is a really great post - I'm sorry the task was too much, I totally understand that feeling, there are days when the last thing I want to do is think about my body. I'm really glad you found the Adipositivity Project though, and that you have such a supportive husband. Anyway, I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say other than thank you for participating so much and I hope it's been/is being at least a little bit helpful :)
- JIll
Honestly think all body types are beautiful. As somebody who might kindly be described as "athletetic" (and often mocked for being totally flat chested) I'm a bit jealous of a women with a lot of lush curves.
And good luck with the thesis. You can totally do it. I bet everybody things about giving it up at some point in the procrss (I never had to write anything worse than a masters thesis myself).
Welcome to SITS!
Wow - I just reread my comment. Sorry for spelling. I think I'm trying to do too many things at once.
Thanks! The thesis was done last year, actually - it's just one of the few times I can think of where I honestly thought about giving up on something, even temporarily. :)
Wow, my first visit here & your rocked my world. As a former size 0 who has just crossed the 200 lb. mark my self esteem about my body image is crap.
I'll be checkin' back, I like it here.
Oh and I'm dropping by from SITS to welcome you to the family!
I'm an Adiposer and I'm so glad you found The Adipositivity Project. I love hearing how the pictures affect people and I am so happy for the realization you have come to regarding yourself and your husband. I hope you go out and buy a beautiful bra and panty set to wear. Never underestimate how what you wear underneath your clothes can effect your self esteem and confidence.
"I...thought about what life would be like if it were saturated with a variety of body images, not just ones size six and under. It's almost unimaginable to me"
It would be about a million times saner, that's for damn sure and it's one of the things I would most like to see happen in my lifetime. I don''t know why advertisers are so convinced women won't spend money if we ever learn to feel good about ourselves. If anything, self-acceptance and self-love would surely make us feel we deserve frivolities, fine foods and fabulous clothes even more? Consumerism would be a celebratory activity instead of something we do to fill the inner void because the unrepresentative images we're exposed to every day of our lives make us feel so bloody ghastly about ourselves.
I'm another adiposer and when I read feedback from one woman who said seeing my picture had made her love her body and, by extension, all the other adiposers' bodies, I was thrilled to pieces. I'm 50 now and live in an extremely fat-phobic country. I pretty much had to get where I am in FA on my own and would got there way quicker had the internet and the fatosphere been there for me in my 20s.
I guess I'm pretty militant, but only in the face of obnoxious concern-trolling or flat out verbal abuse. The down-side of the internet is learning just how much seething ugly hatred there is for fat people out there.
Another adiposer here. I think your line about 'what life would be like' is a very interesting one to ponder. Perhaps we can, in some small way, make that life reality for ourselves, even for a few fleeting moments. And in doing so, we can give others 'permission' to do the same. Baby steps...