Last night was the premiere of Fox's plus-sized reality dating show, More To Love.  Basically take The Bachelor but make everyone (the bachelor and the contestants) plus-sized, or fat - whatever term you prefer.  I'm actually going to stick with "fat" since plus-sized sounds like there's a "normal" size and then everyone who's above it is "plus" or has excess.

{the More To Love "cast"}
{Note: I WANT that swirly blue dress in the front row!}

This show has been quite smartly reviewed here, here, and here by people who are far more versed in fat acceptance than I am (big ups and bow down to Kate Harding - I have learned a lifetime from her).  However, since my own thoughts on this seem to be somewhat between many of the things I've read (what else is new), here's my $.02.

I missed the first couple of minutes of the show, so I turned it on in medias res.  Instantly, I was struck - and I mean struck, like someone was knocking the wind out of me, at how familiar the women's behavior was.  I knew them.  I was them.  I AM them.  Having watched many seasons of The Bachelor, I immediately made comparisons and was drawn to how many of the women had insecurity seemingly seeping from their pores.  I can name that tune in one note, George.  My heart ached for them as it ached for my 20something self.

In one of the review pieces, the writer states how the women's pick-up lines sound like they came from a website for Dating 101.  And the hubby commented several times at how the women were either noticeably insecure or oddly unsocialized in a way, to which I answered, "Duh."  Well, no, I was nicer - but in my head I heard, "DUUUUHHHHH!"

I've had several people say to me, "But I knew plenty of fat women in high school or my 20s who had boyfriends.  There has to be something wrong with these women if they haven't."  No, I'm sorry - one or two, or even your "plenty" do not represent the universal.  If I was on this show at 25, I would have been one of those women - tearing up, insecure, proclaiming my lack of love and boyfriends.  It is possible to be a decent, kind, smart, and pretty fat woman and not find anyone who's interested in you.

I provided the hubby this theory: part of it is that in my 20s, I found that the men just simply wanted to date thinner women, period.  I might go on and say that they figured they could settle down with whatever size woman they loved later, but while they "sowed their wild oats", why not go for the most publicly admirable dates?  The other part of it is that many fat women will be less secure (after a lifetime of being made fun of) and not know how to put themselves out there because whenever they put even the smallest toe over the flirting line, they were probably immediately (and possibly cruelly) rebuffed.

Rebuff me cruelly once, shame on you.  Rebuff me cruelly twice, shame on me - I'll be over here in the corner, waiting until someone chooses to talk to me.

There are easily a hundred things to comment upon in regards to this show - the fact that they included the women's heights and weights (not done on The Bachelor), the weirdo who jumped in the pool, the appearance of food at the party (there's no party food on The Bachelor), how awesome the rocker chick with the tattoos and fishnets seemed, and the abundance of cleavage - both well-hoisted and sadly flopping (the hubby and I have named one of the bustier, prettier contestants Boobs McGhee - and it's meant as a compliment). 

But my heart lies with these women, who I think are so brave to put themselves out there like this and don't deserve to be told that they should be more secure and they should know better than to think fat people don't deserve love.  That's been their experience - and it was mine, as well.  It takes a long time and some very loving people to bring you around from that.

In the end, I think it is a good thing that this show is out there and getting press.  Perhaps it will open some people up to what the fat female experience is like and create some understanding.  I'm not saying fat women deserve pity - that would be entirely counterproductive.  You can't ignore the effects of someone's fat experiences (even if they have lost weight and are now considered "thin") but it's not a disability either.

Being fat is an experience, just as being a certain gender or race is an experience.  It never hurts to try and expand understanding and compassion.