Baby worries, boob edition
Thursday, December 3, 2009 at 7:30AM I keep debating whether to start this entry with, "I knew I could be a mom" or "I never thought I could be a mom." Both are true, simultaneously... so, basically, I'm a walking oxymoron conundrum right about now.
("You're an ox AND a moron!" Anyone, anyone? One of my fave films due to who plays the linguist.)
Suddenly I'm feeling anxiety over all the impending choices I'll have to make and all the new things I'm going to have to learn how to do.
The worry for today: breastfeeding.
First: I don't actually know many people who have breastfed and I'm not sure I will be able to do it myself.
I mostly know people who opted not to. I know I would like to try, though, and so I find myself without any real-life models for what to expect and how to handle the oddities of it (like pumping at work?). I had a breast reduction four years ago and it is possible I will have difficulty breastfeeding or possibly not be able to, but I think that possibility is really remote. I was told that if you don't have decreased sensation after the surgery, it's a good sign. I, oddly, had increased sensation after the surgery. Go figure. But I'm taking this as a very good sign.
So there's the wondering if I'll physically be able to. But then...
Second: There's the idea of actually doing it and not thinking "ew."
I kind of hate to admit it, but I gag a little when I come across a breastfeeding picture. I just think it looks gross. I know, I know, it's natural and wonderful and a great bonding experience. I get that - and I believe it, mentally - but my gut reaction is, "Yechh, eww." This'll pass but right now makes it kind of hard to think about all of this.
Third: Then there are the mechanics of the whole thing.
Sure, it'll be (hopefully) easy to feed on demand when I'm home on maternity leave. But then when I go back to work . . . where do I pump? I work in a school with college students and share a bathroom with them. I don't want to pump in the bathroom with them coming in and out (even if I seclude myself in a stall). I don't have an office and I don't know of one I'd be able to use, either. Do I go pump in the back seat of my car out in the parking lot?
And if the baby is in daycare (which we haven't decided yet), do I have to send him/her there with formula? Does breast milk travel? Will daycare workers feed a baby with bottled breast milk?
Fourth: Then there are other people. There are always other people and they all have ideas.
There is this minor issue of people I know being dismissive of the practice. I foresee a lot of, "Oh, just give him/her formula; it would be so much easier for you!" I understand where they'd be coming from and don't fault them for their line of thinking, but it'd be so much easier if I could count on at least passive support instead of active questioning or doubting. I know my friends would all be supportive and/or not even think twice about it (including those who chose not to bf) so, thankfully, I'm not worried about that.
One of my fellow grad students was going to lead the class a couple of weeks ago and said to me in passing beforehand, "It figures that the one day I'm leading the class, the lactation room here is locked. It's never been locked before. Now I'm just going to be thinking about my boobs the whole time I'm up there." I found out she has a seven month old, works full time, and is in grad school . . . and she's breastfeeding. Ooookay, so that's possible?? (And she always looks beautiful and really well put-together, I'll add... I'm in total admiration of her, all around.) I didn't even know the school had a lactation room. I need to start thinking about this stuff.
Fifth: And then... these are my boobs. Mine. (As the hubby goes, "No, mine.")
Up until now I only shared my dear boobs with very well-deserving others. Now I basically have to entirely donate them to someone else and will never look at them the same way again. I'm uncomfortable with this idea, but I recognize it's kind of shallow. Our bodies evolve; mine already has several times over. I just feel like this one will be different and, for lack of a better word, weirder.
What I know now is that I'm not setting hard rules for myself. I'm going to make a concerted effort to breastfeed, for a multitude of reasons that are all just so hypothetical to me right now but feel like they're important. If for some reason I can't, I won't hate myself and I won't let myself feel like a failure. However, I also won't let myself become discouraged from bf by outside influences.
I did a little research and learned that New Jersey has a law that "entitles a mother to breastfeed her baby in any location of a place of public accommodation, resort or amusement wherein the mother is otherwise permitted. Failure to comply with the law may result in a fine." So that's pretty awesome. Other states (like NY) have even better laws exempting breastfeeding from public indecency laws. I don't think I would ever not cover up a bit while breastfeeding and I actually don't foresee breastfeeding in public, like in a park, but you never know. I don't know what I'll think about all of this a year from now (when I have a 6 1/2 mth old, gah!) so it's nice to know that I'll have options and some protection.
However, NJ doesn't have a law like NY's that states "employers must allow breastfeeding mothers reasonable, unpaid break times to express milk and make a reasonable attempt to provide a private location for her to do so. Prohibits discrimination against breastfeeding mothers." That would be nice. Not that I'm worried about my job in particular, but it would just be nice if that was a nationwide law.
I have five and a half more months to think about all of this. So, good, five and a half WHOLE months... or is that: oh my goodness, ONLY FIVE AND A HALF MONTHS???
baby, breastfeeding, health, pregnancy, women's issues in Health, life 
Reader Comments (8)
excellent reference of the movie :) (i won't give it away just in case there are some who didn't get it immediately, but you know i know it, and that's all that counts)
if you ever have any questions about the whole process or how to do pumping at work my friend summer would be a good person to ask.
@k8 - Thanks! I may just take you/Summer up on that when the whole reality of it is closer.
And, yes, I knew you'd know the quote in a nanosecond. :)
I'll let you know how it goes! I sometimes find myself unsure of the logistics and I think it'll probably be really weird at first, or, who knows, maybe it will just be the most natural thing in the world. I'm lucky that I live in a town (small city?) that is super into breastfeeding and natural parenting and all of that fun stuff. I digress. I'll keep you posted. 3 months!
Ok, so I tried to breastfeed Colin, he didn't take I wanted him to eat anything so we did formula. I say give it a try, but don't go into it thinking that if it doesn't happen you're a failure. Both breastfeeding and formula have perks, formula is way easier to push off on the hubs at 2 am when you just NEED to sleep. Breastfeeding is always there, you don't have to get up and make a bottle. And of course there are the perks of breast milk over formula. Your boobs will once again belong to only you and your husband after a while, but honestly if it's something you're not comfortable doing then the baby will feel that and it might make it more difficult. As far as work goes, you also have the option to breastfeed during your maternity leave and then move the baby to formula when you return to work, there is no law about how long you need to breastfeed. Sorry this is so long :)
@Kyra - Yeah, you know NJ isn't really a BF hotspot. LOL Everything here is about convenience and daycare. I dream of living somewhere like NC or MN where these lifestyle choices are more common.
@Stacey - Thanks for the input (and it's not too long!). I know some kids don't take to it and some women get blood blisters and all that stuff. There are hurdles, for sure, but I would really like to try. But you're right, if it doesn't work out,it doesn't. I figure I won't know what I think about it until I try.
Ignore everyone, but the hubby and your doctor. People will give you tons of advice now that your pregnant and you just want to go with what feels right for you.
I was similar concerned about breast feeding. I thought it would just be really wierd, but when the baby was actually here it just felt pretty natural. You can always give it a try and if it isn't for you, you can stop.
My only piece of advice (I know...I just told you to ignore everybody so feel free to ignore this if you want) is to a breast feeding class prior to your baby being born. I found it really helpful to "learn" how to breastfeed before I actually tried it.
Good luck!
You should talk to Jacque! She didn't breast feed Abby, but did breast feed Zach. She would have lots to share/tell about the whole experience. She isn't shy about sharing details!
jacqueellis@yahoo.com
I had lots of difficulties with breastfeeding, mostly due to my son's prematurity. Once he got the hang of it, it wasn't too bad. It just took practice and time to get everything right. I was able to pump so my husband and I could split feeding responsibilities and therefore get more sleep. I did, however, had problems with pumping once I returned to work. I had the space and the time, but due to the physical nature of my work and the excessive heat, I was often dehydrated and it affected my milk and milk production.
Being a food source is hard! My milk supply was really affected by how much sleep I was getting, what I was eating and drinking--it was a really delicate operation.
I, too, suggest a breastfeeding class. I never made it to mine because Porter arrived early, but I did have several meetings with my lactation consultant. I also don't know a lot of people who breastfed and my mom didn't (and made me feel terrible for doing it but that is a whole other story) so I had to seek out my own support system. Perhaps there is a La Leche League in your area that you could talk to before your little one gets here?