I don't want to pop.

Sometimes I think I shouldn't read BabyCenter at all, but I can't help myself.  I get an email every morning with the updated posts for the groups I belong to (May 2010 Moms and Plus-Size Moms).  Six to eight weeks ago it was tough because everyone was talking about morning sickness and some members would write good-bye posts after having a miscarriage.  I wasn't feeling ill, so I was convinced something wasn't right.  I'm glad for all the information I have from reading these pages, but a lot of it just doesn't fit me.

Like now everyone is concerned about popping - you know, when you go from not looking pregnant or just looking like you put weight on to looking actually pregnant because your belly is now "popped" out.

Yeah.  Reading the word "popped" makes me gag a little; I don't know why.  It probably goes back to my whole thing about being grossed out by pregnant bellies.  So far I can't tell if my belly has changed at all.  My pants still all fit, so I'm going to guess no (unless somehow my ass is shrinking, lol).  I like that right now my pregnancy is still my news and that only people "in the know" - well, know.  Eventually it'll become everyone's business, in a way, and I think I'm nervous about that.

When you're fat growing up, your body already feels like everyone's business.  Everyone in your life (teachers, parents, doctors, strangers) feel like they have the authority to tell you what you could do to lose weight.  As you get older, peers and strangers feel the authority to yell mean things at you on the street or from their cars.  I know that not only fat people have to deal with this, but I feel like it's harder to know that a wolf whistle is sarcastic, not complimentary and that having people fling Jenny Craig brochures at you from a car is different than having someone ask you for your number.  I know we all deal with unwanted advances or comments, but... there's just something about it being a critique on who you are every day.

So, partly, I feel a bit removed from the pregnancy experience.  I'm not concerned about stretch marks - I've had them for as long as I can remember.  I'm not concerned about sagging skin; I already have it and have dealt with worse, too.  I'm not looking forward to a belly pop because I've never seen an expanding belly as a good thing; it was always a sign of failure before. 

But then there's this: I'm not petrified of gaining weight because I've seen the scale go up before (and certainly recently) and now I feel like for the first time in my life, I don't have to care if it goes up because it needs to.  I'm obviously paying attention to how much it goes up (no weight gained yet) and I'm mindful of what I eat, but I don't feel this dread or, alternately, an exhilaration about finally "being allowed" to gain weight that I see other women seemingly revel in.  I think I can write more in depth on that another time, though, because I see a lot of layers to this particular aspect of the experience.

I like my not-so-secret secret pregnancy right now.  I can think about all of these things and not actually be asked to answer for them yet.

Comments

[Stacey]

Ok I totally understand how you feel, as you know I'm working on losing a great deal of weight (sadly only 30 of it was gained during pregnancy) the nice thing is that you're supposed to gain weight, and I promise you the way your belly grows with a baby in there is totally different then when you're gaining weight. And also I did lose weight in other places my back thinned out a lot it was like all of my fat and skin moved to my tummy. It's normal I think to be a little grossed out by pregnancy some very gross stuff happens, try and think more about the baby then you're belly. I said this in one of my posts right before I had Colin and I hope it doesn't sound dumb, but remember that pregnancy is a totally selfish thing this is the only time in you're babies life that he or she is all yours and no one elses. You don't have to share you just get to enjoy the things he or she is doing in there. You're superwomen you can grow a person!!