21 Months

Dear Nate,

Today you are 21 months old. In just three months you'll be two years old! But right now you are so much fun that there's no need to look forward.

The most exciting thing right now is seeing what words you're learning. It seems like you have new words every day. Just this week alone, you started saying soon, milk, coffee, sleeves, Gamma (grandma), color, night-night, and off. You roar when you see a lion in a book and say cock-a-doodle-doo when you see a rooster. And you're learning how to express yourself better, too. You negate things by adding "no." When you can't find or see something, it's "no see." When it's something you're not supposed to eat (like crayons, ahem), it's "no eat." When you didn't want me to go to work the other day, it was, "Mama, no go away." (Broke my heart.) It's so exciting to see you put together new words, to see the look in your eyes as you put together what they mean and realize you're effectively communicating something to us.

You also still love to give hugs and kisses. You still love Curious George and Thomas the Tank Engine. But Grammy and Pop-Pop bought you a little Percy train, and he is your new love. When you misplaced him that same day, you whined, "Percy! Percy! Percy!" for half an hour until we found him - and we didn't even know you knew Percy's name or how to say it! You have always surprised us and continue to do so.

What's no surprise but a continual source of entertainment and delight is how you love to be physically active. Every night you run laps around the kitchen island after dinner. You love to hide, although when I ask you if you're hiding, you peek out and say, "No" so there's a bit of learning still to do there, but I laugh every time. You love to crash things together, so you often run your shopping cart around and slam it into other toys, chairs, walls - or even us... basically whatever's in your way. I think the day we can finally take you on some real bumper cars is going to be the highlight of your early life.

You are giving us a little preview - well, okay, a substantial preview - of the infamous Terrible Twos. When you aren't happy about having to do something, you immediately throw yourself on the floor, roll on your back and say, "Owww." But you haven't really hurt yourself because you actually lay yourself down quite gingerly, which is hysterical. You also throw things when you're angry, which is extra difficult at dinnertime as your dinner hits the floor. But dinnertime is already difficult because, man, are you a strange, picky eater right now. You often refuse some of your favorite foods, or you'll love a food one day and then not the next. Or you'll refuse it at lunchtime but then eat it at dinnertime. I know the picky eating won't last forever, but right now it is the hardest thing we have to deal with because it's so hard to plan meals, never knowing if you'll eat it or fling it on the floor. But I've found that if I just sit back calmly and ignore your antics while you refuse to eat, eventually (at least half the time) you'll taste the food and then end up eating most of it. Tonight you threw a huge handful of noodles on the floor before going on to eat the rest of them as well as a whole pork chop. So maybe you're just trying to exercise portion control? But you're eating enough and you get good nutrients every day, so I'm not stressing about it.

And you're not struggling to grow, so that's not a worry. You're still in 2T shirts and pants, although a few of those 2T shirts are starting to get a little small. You're wearing size 6 diapers and show very few signs of interest in potty training. You're still in size 7 sneakers, though they're getting small. Size 8 might be on the horizon.

Every day with you is so exciting. Every day I am so anxious to come home and spend time with you, running around the kitchen, hiding behind chairs, and trying to get you to help clean up (work in progress). Regardless of what we're doing, you are a delight and every day is more joyful than the last.

We love you, Peanut!

Love,
Mommy

Bapple

Nate's vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds lately. He's never been the most verbal child. He literally runs laps around the kitchen every night, has been climbing since he could pull himself up to a standing position, and seems to have been born with a pre-programmed sports chip. Give him a ball of any type and he seems to know what to do with it. Soccer ball? Dribbled it with his feet down the hallway. Basketball? Put it through the toddler hoop. Swiffer? Used to slapshot toys across the dining room. I can't wait to see what he does with a t-ball set.

But words? They've been less important. Nate's had enough to get by and, as an only child, he rarely has to indicate more than once what he wants before we either get it for him or explain why he can't have it. It's like the legend about Einstein, who supposedly didn't speak until he was 4 years old because, as he put it, everything was satisfactory until then.

But lately? We get a new word - or words - every day. Sun, moon, soon, gamma (grandma), a much more insistent "night night" than before... his words are ramping up like crazy, and it's awesome. The other day he said, "Mama, no go way" which is Nate-speak for don't go away - i.e. don't leave for work. I could have cried. (Okay, maybe I did once or twice that day.) When we get in the car, he says, "Go go go!" which makes me laugh every time.

But my favorite word is bapple, which is Nate's current form of "apple." It's quite possibly the cutest word I've ever heard.

I just adore toddler-speak; I really do. It's definitely one of those phases I'm in no rush to get past. And I can't wait to see what else Nate has to say. This is easily one of the most fun parts of parenting thus far.

Being a Student of Fear

The only time I have been more scared of grad school than I am this semester was during my first semester of my M.A. program six years ago.

(Aside: Holy crap, that was SIX YEARS ago???)

That first semester was a jolt to my core, as it is for many people who enter graduate school. I felt the "grad school fraud" for sure - i.e. I was convinced it was a mistake they let me in. Surely I didn't belong there because I didn't know everything these other students knew. I didn't even know the meanings of some of the words they used.

But it was just a learning curve - a steeper one than I had encountered before. By my second semester, I got the hang of it - but that was also when I started teaching and felt like a fraud all over again. It was then that I was introduced to the concept, "Fake it til ya make it." The students wouldn't know how scared or unprepared I felt unless I showed it. If I acted on top of everything, they would believe I was. So that's what I did until one day I realized I didn't know when I had stopped faking it. You never fully "make it" as a teacher; you never know everything and should always keep reading the current research on teaching and your subject... but you can at least have confidence.

But now, again, I am scared. I'm nearing the end of my EdM program, quite close to the transition to the PhD program. However, my research is a mess (literally unorganized) and I'm realizing I don't have as clear a picture of what it will take to finish my PhD as I thought I did:

two certification exams
foreign language translation ability
the dissertation

What am I thinking? I barely have time to buy groceries. I never fully finish my homework. I'm always faking it to some extent. I can't fake it any more!

I'm good at being a student. It's probably what I do best. (Too bad you pay to do it, not get paid to do it.) I know I'm fully capable of getting all that done; it's just that now time is an issue. I don't have the free time I used to and I don't want to take any time away from my time with Nate.

But this is my dream - to finish that degree. It's a dream I would never forgive myself for abandoning. I'm not doing it for anyone other than me, which I think is key to the success of a huge dream. You have to be doing it for yourself - not your spouse, not your children, not your parents, not your employer.

I have it in me. I just have to get organized and stay focused. Well, or get a bit more focused is probably more accurate.

Do you have big dreams? Have you achieved any of them? I have others, but this is the probably the most immediate. A summer in Paris will come later.

7 Quick Tuesday Takes

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1. Do I have the only destructo-toddler? I read about people who give their iPads to their toddlers to watch videos and play games and my heart lurches because if I did that, my iPad would be dropped or flung across the room within a few minutes, no doubt. Who are you people with these non-destructive toddlers?

2. Yes, there is a huge celebration today for a bunch of guys who won a big football game. Yes, we should have an even bigger celebration for the troops who have returned home. No, these ideas don't need to be oppositional. We can (and should) have them both.

3. Freezer burritos are such an awesome thing. No lunch ideas? Too tired to pack lunch? Boom! Freezer burrito, at the ready.

4. I don't understand why everyone goes bonkers over red velvet (even outside Valentine's Day, it's always one of the best selling cupcakes according to a lot of vendors). But it's just cake. Red cake. But still just cake. (And I can take or leave cake.)

5. I'm hoping to get approval to take a day off next week to get my hair cut and highlighted. It will be my first haircut in 6 1/2 months and first highlights in nine months. Here's hoping my 2012 finances and time management are better than 2011's.

6. There's a restaurant in my town that's had a "Re-Grand Opening" sign up for months. Every time I drive past it, I want to go in and yell at them, "Grand RE-OPENING! Grand RE-OPENING! You can't re-grand something!" But I haven't done it yet. I think this confirms that I'm doing a fair job of keeping myself in check.

7. I have a good feeling about February. I think it's going to be a better month than the past few have been. Ever just have a good feeling about a chunk of time?

Too Pale for Twilight

I recently went to see my doctor to check on my thyroid. Turns out I'm low in Vitamin D (hello, I never go outside) so I'm taking a Vitamin D prescription (in addition to my thyroid and iron prescriptions) and will go for follow-up bloodwork later this week to see if my thyroid, iron, and Vitamin D levels are behaving themselves.

But what do those three issues have in common? Tiredness. And paleness. So even when I'm content, I look like this:

I would try out for Twilight, but I don't sparkle. At least I have color in my cheeks. And I'm getting my hair cut and highlighted soon, which should help me not look like a member of the living dead.

And poor little Nate has my skin tone, I think. I'm looking forward to summer - fun in the sun (with sunscreen, of course). I'm really grateful for the mild winter we've had, mostly because it means our heating bills haven't been a nightmare, but I'm also just not in the mood for winter this year. I want spring. For the first time in a long time (or possibly ever), I want summer. I'll still be pale, but maybe my sunscreen can be sparkly.