Tweet Tweet

What I'm currently reading
Grab my Button!
Sunshine and Bubblegum
Awards (You like me; you really like me!)

Friday
12Mar2010

Measure by measure, a load off my mind

Wednesday night was the follow-up sonogram to Saturday's "your amniotic fluid is low" sonogram.  I found out on Wednesday that your fluid should be at a 10 and mine was at 7 on Saturday.  As of Wednesday, it was up to 9!  So still not optimal, but definitely improved!  I have to continue my "sit and sip" routine for another week and go for another sonogram on Wednesday of next week.  They're also going to check the baby's growth then.

This is good because today was my monthly appointment with my OB - you know, when you pee in a cup, get weighed, have your blood pressure checked, etc.  In the past month I have gained... nothing!  Unbelievable, right?  Nothing!  So, at 30 weeks, I have still gained a total of four pounds this pregnancy.  I was like, "Are you sure?  Last time I was here I could still close my pants - and now I'm wearing maternity pants!"  But, yeah, it's fine.  My OB just wants to have the baby's growth checked to make sure my lack of weight gain doesn't indicate he's not growing at a good rate.  But the sonogram on Saturday indicated he's still a week big in size, so no one is worried about his growth - it's just all about double-checking and being as certain as possible.  My OB said that he wants to make sure that I'm taking in enough calories.  This might be the first time in my life - no, it is definitely the first time in my life - that someone is concerned that I might not be eating enough.  I almost chuckled at him right in the office.

All my other bloodwork came back perfect, as well - thyroid, blood sugar, etc.  So other than this blip with the low fluid, which everyone is chalking up to me not getting enough sleep and fluids, everything is continuing to progress perfectly.

This, I'm sure I don't have to say, is a HUGE load off my mind.  Yes, I still feel bad that I let myself get run down last week, but I guess I needed that reality check.  I can't just live as if I'm not pregnant.  The pregnancy has been so remarkably easy, but I still have to make sure I'm doing everything as best as I can - sleeping, drinking, eating, etc.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some water chugging to get to.

Wednesday
10Mar2010

An Anniversary Journey

I forgot my anniversary.

No, not that one - although I wouldn't be surprised if I did forget my wedding anniversary one year.  The hubby is much better at remembering those types of dates than I am.  (He always remembers it's our dating anniversary before I do.)

All day yesterday I was thinking, "3/9.  3/9.  Why does that sound so significant?  What's March 9th?"  Finally, around 5pm as I headed into class I remembered - it's my surgiversary.

Surgi-wah?  Surgiversary - the anniversary of my gastric bypass surgery.  Aren't we WLS (weight loss surgery) people funny?  Usually I hate made up/combined words like that (like recessionista or shoppurtunistic) but surgiversary has stuck with me.

I had my gastric bypass on March 9, 2004 - so this year was my 6th anniversary - and I suppose the reason it slipped my mind is that 1 - I am not a post-surgery success so I don't count those milestones anymore and 2 - it's really not the same daily part of my life that it was before.  I can pretty much eat 90% of foods with only minor repercussions for some of them (and I've found that while pregnant, I actually have increased food tolerance - must be some biological directive for that).

Ordinarily, a WLS patient posts something that looks like this: 350/250/150.  350 being their pre-surgery weight, 250 being current, and 150 being goal (those are just made-up numbers, by the way).  I hate discussing weight in terms of numbers, though.  Visual representations always seem to be much better.

This is me, 5 1/2 months pre-surgery:

That's me and my dad at my sister's wedding in September 2003.  I was my sister's maid of honor; her bridesmaids were three of the thinnest girls I've ever known.  (Seriously - they were all a size 2.)  It was a joyous day, but a tough one.  I pretty much felt bad about myself the entire day.

This is me at my thinnest, Fall 2005, post plastic surgery.  I'm posting this picture even though the style of it is controversial:

Even though most of us are used to the "look how big I used to be because my pants were huge!" photos, they're really frowned upon because it's very judgmental of the people who wear that size currently.  For me, though, it really represented what I had lost.  I actually fit in one leg of those shorts.  By the pounds, I wasn't half my size - but by the size on my pants, I was actually less than that.

I still have those shorts.

This is me six months later, attending a friend's wedding (February 2006):

The dress is a size 14 (I think) from White House/Black Market.  Even though I can no longer fit into it, I still have it.  I'm not usually one to save clothing, thinking, "One day..." but that dress is the exception.  At that point I had gained about 10-15 lbs from my lowest weight.  I felt remarkably self-conscious about it, sure everyone would be able to tell I was failing at my weight loss.   Obviously, I looked great and should have felt great.

This is me the following summer (July 2006):

I hated this picture when I first saw it because I looked huge compared to how I had looked just a year prior.  Now?  Now I wish those capris fit.

This is me this past October:

Am I happy with that?  No, clearly not.  In that photo, I am about 60 lbs heavier than I am in the White House/Black Market lace dress photo above.  I'm pregnant in the photo, but only about two months, so I hadn't gained any pregnancy weight yet.

I don't have any really recent photos, including no pregnancy photos, actually.  I thought about doing the weekly photo thing but by the time I thought about it, we had missed so many weeks... and then I was nearly 25 weeks before I could see a difference and 28 weeks before other people could, so I've just been a bit "eh" about the whole idea.

This is actually the first week I feel like I look pregnant - like, if someone were to look at me, they'd think I was pregnant and not just carrying extra weight.  It's an extremely odd (and I have to admit, uncomfortable) feeling; one I haven't quite reconciled with yet.

It's not really a weight loss journey I'm on.  I thought it was, but it's not.  It's a body journey, a self journey - and it's never going to end.  There's this baby and maybe (hopefully?) there'll be another in a few years.  There's pregnancy recovery, aging... all sorts of life factors.  I don't plan on having any further surgical procedures to alter my body, but I guess I can't really know about that now.  If money is no object, perhaps I would have some nipping and tucking done post-kids.  Who knows.

Right now I'm working on owning this journey - and it's not easy.  It's not easy for me to look at these photos, much less post them.  But it's a part of the process.  I can't hide what I've looked like, what I've done and not done - least of all from myself.  I'd like to think I won't ever inhabit either one of the extremes posted in the photos above.  I hope not to ever reach my heaviest weight again, but I'm also fairly certain I won't ever reach my lowest again.  But I'm okay with somewhere in the middle.  If my journey ends up just middle-of-the-road, I'll happily rest there.

(cross-posted to WeAreTheRealDeal)

Tuesday
09Mar2010

7 Quick Tuesday Takes

Welcome to yet another Tuesday, longest day of the week.  Last semester I had school on Mondays, though, and swore to myself I would never again take Monday night classes because having Monday be your longest day of the week is just beyond stupid.  So Tuesday it is.

1. It's been months since I had a nightmare.  (Before I got pregnant, I couldn't even tell you how long it had been - years, probably.)  But last night I dreamt that my parents thought Buster was more than we could handle and so one day, when we asked them to dog-sit him, they decided to drop him off at a local shelter instead.

:(

I woke up really heartbroken at 4am, trying not to cry.  Finally I just let myself cry, figuring that might get it out of my system, and I think it did because I must have dozed off not long after that.

Buster is a handful, for sure.  But he's just a puppy.  He'll get older and better... and he's just so darn cute.  He's not going anywhere.

Sleeping on the ottoman at my parents' house.

2. Tomorrow is 30 weeks.  THIRTY WEEKS.  I feel a bit like I did when I turned 30 - sort of ready for it, sort of ready to be done with the 20s, but also a bit anxious and unsure.

3. Operation Sit and Sip continues today.  I think I've been doing pretty well drinking lots of fluids and trying to stay relaxed.  I haven't over-exerted myself, although I haven't done less than I normally do, either.  I told the hubby that I feel like my belly has grown noticeably in just the past two days.  He pointed out that hydrating might have something to do with that.  Oh yeah, duh.  So maybe it's working.  We'll see tomorrow (sonogram at 7pm tomorrow night).

4. Today at school we get to talk to the author of one of the books we're reading for class.  This means, of course, that we need to have the book finished for today which, of course, I don't.  When do I ever?  But today, really.  You can't go in to class like, "Hi, great book - well, what I read of it." Sigh.  I'm just not a good student this semester - really having a hard time juggling work, the puppy, and all the pregnancy related doctors visits.  I'll have the summer to relax (well, from school anyway) but hopefully I can work out a better schedule for the fall.  I'm thinking I might actually have to "book" schoolwork time - block time off that's just for that.  Give The Force to someone else to watch for a few hours or something.  Of course, I'd be tempted to use that time to do laundry, grocery shop, clean the house, or anything else... but I have to keep up my schoolwork so I need to figure this out.

5. I now own two pairs of maternity pants - one pair of jeans and one pair of black corduroys.  I think I might live in these for the next ten weeks.  They are far more comfortable than I imagined - and they don't look as ridiculous as I expected them to.  Go figure - pregnancy continues to be a surprise.

6. Buster has a play date today!  The hubby's mom is going to watch him today since Tuesday is our mutually longest day.  Buster has free reign of the kitchen when we're not home (there's a baby gate blocking him from the rest of the house) and the kitchen is the biggest room in the house, but it's not enough exercise for him on a daily basis.  So today he's going to the in-law's and gets to run around with their dog, Skylar, a Cairn terrier (Buster is half Cairn).  They have a great time running around and it's really good exercise for Buster.  He's a much happier and better behaved dog when he's exercised so we're trying to figure out ways to make that happen.

7. I think I've entered the phase of pregnancy where everything is a bit less great - a bit less happy glow-y than the second trimester.  Maybe it's just the worry about the low amniotic fluid from Saturday, but I just worry because now if something happens, we get a preemie.  He'll live and chances are he'll thrive, but it won't be easy and there'll always be a lot of concerns.  Plus my belly is getting bigger and every now and then I don't breathe as easily as I was.  My left outer thigh goes numb sometimes.  One of my arms always falls asleep overnight.  These concerns are minimal, but they indicate to me that they're just going to keep popping up.  My back hasn't ached for no reason for a long time, but I'm sure that'll come back.

In the end, all I really care about is that The Force is okay.  As long as he's healthy, I really don't want to complain all too much about what I have to endure to get to the end of this pregnancy.  And I know I've been lucky.  I keep getting emails about how to deal with the heartburn and hemorrhoids - but I don't have any of that.  Didn't have morning sickness, don't have people grabbing my belly or making comments all the time.  All in all, it's been pretty easy.  So if my left leg decides it wants to fall asleep once in a while, so be it.  Maybe it's just bored.

Monday
08Mar2010

Worries, I have a few - okay, one.

I've tried really hard over the past seven months to simply be grateful for all the good test results The Force and I have had.  There were so many worries (on the doctors' side) about having a baby post gastric bypass, seeing him clearly in sonograms due to the tummy tuck scarring... and yet it always worked out.  Not only didn't he have restricted growth, he continuously measured a week big.  Not only did I pass my glucose test, I passed it with "excellent" results.

The streak had to end sometime, I suppose - and that was this Saturday.

The hubby and I went in for my monthly sonogram (monthly because of all the aforementioned concerns).  Of course, this one time, we're late AND the check-in desk has a back-up, so when we get to maternal medicine they're rushing us in and out because they're technically closed.

But then the tech pauses.  "Have you been leaking fluid?"  "No."  "Have you be extra busy this week?  Extra active?"  "Uh, no, not really - I mean, it's been a stressful week..."

"I'm asking because your fluid is... well... it's not optimal.  It's not where it should be."

This is the first piece of bad news in this entire pregnancy and of course it comes when I've been fighting a headache all morning and am assuming this sonogram will be our usual routine, in and out so we can go grab lunch and run errands.  This first piece of bad news comes when I'm less ready for it than I ordinarily would be.

They have to turn their computers back on to squeeze me in for an appointment with the high-risk specialist on Wednesday (I've seen him before) so they can do another sonogram and he can look at both.  Until then I'm supposed to relax and drink a lot of fluids.

Admittedly - last week was a tough week.  I'm pretty sure I was partly dehydrated Saturday morning (leading to the headache) and I definitely was not drinking enough water last week.  I also wasn't sleeping enough and I was getting spurts of anxiousness throughout the week.

So, really, I'm actually hoping this was my fault, even though it makes me feel like I'm already a bad mom - because the alternatives are worse.  I made the mistake of Googling "low amniotic fluid pregnancy" during a spare moment Saturday afternoon.  Okay, so it wasn't really a mistake; I have to be informed... but there's a lot of worrisome possibilities, things I really don't want to consider.  For now I'm just hoping this was a fluke - a bad day at the end of a bad week.  I've been sipping fluids continuously, not doing too much around the house, slept in on Sunday (10:30!), made an easy dinner*, and even went for a pedicure.

The hard part comes this week as I have to keep this up while going to work, going to school (I have FOUR written assignments due Tuesday night), and simply managing daily life.  I already had to back out of a fairly significant workshop I was going to lead Wednesday night because I have to go to the sonogram instead.

But The Force is a priority.  So I shall continue to sip and sit.  ("Sip and Sit" sounds like a good name for a fast food place, right?)  Hopefully, by Wednesday, everything is back to normal and it really was all just a bad week.

*For a dose of comfort food, I made Delightfully Sweet's Slow Cooker Lasagna for dinner (I used ground chicken instead of beef and skipped the cherry tomatoes). It was super, super delicious with a side of garlic roasted asparagus.  Excellent Oscar watching comfort food.  I'm looking forward to the leftovers for lunch!  I highly recommend this lasagna.  It really did make me feel relaxed and happy. :)

Friday
05Mar2010

Scram Thursday, and take Friday with you

So, I was in a mood.  Already.  And really trying to fight it.  Having been diagnosed with depression in my late teens/early 20s, this is something I knew I wanted to keep an eye on when I got pregnant and post-partum.  In no way do I think I'm getting depressed, but I'm just being careful and so this mood had to go.

And then Thursday happened.  But let's back up to Wednesday.

Wednesday I get a picture message from the hubby: Buster has puked up something bright lime green.  Neither of us can figure out what he ingested that is causing him to puke up this color, but he seems fine - his normal happy, puppy self, so we weren't not too worried.  (We finally figure out it was the stuffing from one of his dog beds.  Mmm, yummy.)

But then he puked more.  And again.  And just tiny bit more Thursday morning.  Great.  So lots of cleaning up there.

Work on Thursday was annoying as well, but in ways that aren't worth going into because they're only annoying to me.  In addition, I tried to get new remote entry key fobs for my car because mine wasn't working and the hubby misplaced his... yeah, but I couldn't because the transponder seems to be broken.  So tack that on to the necessary repairs for my car.  We're going to end up paying half of what a semester at Columbia costs.

So after work I head home, ready to quick change and grab Buster and head over to puppy class (agenda: leash walking!).  Instead, I come home to a hallway full of diarrhea.  (Sorry, but there's just no good way to lead into that.)  Now it was Oreo's turn to be sick.  So the hubby and I scramble to clean up and get to puppy class (only five minutes late).  Buster does a wonderful job of appearing only semi-incorrigible and we head home... to face more diarrhea.  We clean up, go out to dinner, make a quick trip to Target, and come home... to puke.  Now Oreo is puking.  Repeatedly.  And continues to gag and dry-heave and spit up white foam until around 11pm.  Every time the hubby cleaned up, she would puke somewhere else.

I Googled the hell out of "dog diarrhea puking white foam" and called the vet's emergency number.  They said it sounded like she got into something she shouldn't have and that we could bring her in if we wanted to.  We opted not to, so instead I sat and just watched her to make sure she was breathing and not seizing.

Eventually we went to bed but after an hour, Oreo woke us up to go out - so the hubby took her out.  After that, she seemed fine but we were beyond beat.

This morning both Oreo and Buster were happy, cheery, tail wagging, treat-eating puppers.  Buster was scampering around the kitchen with a rawhide and toy in his mouth (at once) while he also batted around a tennis ball.  (What can I say, he's a multi-tasking genius pupper.)  Oreo went out, had her morning treat, and happily retreated for her first nap of the morning.

It was like someone said, "Oh, are you worried about managing a baby?  Here, let's give you a little test run so you can see how you make it through."  Yeah, thanks, you can take your test run and shove it.

And Friday?  Well, Friday was going to be better, right?  And I suppose it was since I haven't cleaned up puke or diarrhea.  It's a pretty low bar for what makes a good day, but I guess it's something.  I suppose I'd rather deal with students asking inane questions and a chair that makes my ass go numb than clean up puke.

And if you want a bit more of what annoyed me this week, check out my latest at WeAreTheRealDeal: I'm Pregnant, I'm Fat - and I'm Okay

For now, I'm looking forward to Saturday.  It's sonogram time, time to pick up the framed pictures from our wedding, and time to get some work done around the apartment (baby prep!) - all very good things, all happy-making things.  So let's hang on to that.  And the Oscars are on Sunday; can't wait to see what everyone is wearing.  (It's honestly what I care about most about the awards these days since the awards themselves are mostly meaningless.)

So baby stuff, more baby stuff, and fashion stuff.  That will make for two good days as Thursday and Friday fade away...